softandsadbean-blog

[softandsadbean-blog]

i hate myself yet again

gah, today wasnt even super bad, i have no idea why i even have these kinds of sentiments. what even like here's what we did

pracres: crushed peels and then delayed it since it takes too much time and we couldnt use the magnetic stirrer

lunch: stayed a lil bit with charpao, then some friends came dustin raul jordan ysa and i felt included naman, but i kinda pushed them away i guess

debate: my speech wasnt so bad naman the problem was just the case cuz i didnt know what hr instis were the motion was thbt nations should invest in regionl human rights institutions at the expense of global institutions (eg. ICC) like we all didnt really know what to do except kaye tonie, but my speech wasnt so bad naman like i had a case

post debate: kwentuhan about archetypes cuz someone brought up the issue of softbois vs fuckbois so we kinda just broke it down there's also performative people who just display the characteristics of those archetypes because prollu they see it as advantageous but then those people are the most dangerous cuz its also a form of emotional manipulation but idk.

maybe i felt sad that people were still calling me a hoe. like its weird cuz i alwaus say i advocate that its ok to be a hoe and like theres nothing wrong with it but i get sad when people outright assume i am. it's just my coping mechanism to make myself more interesting i guess or more unique, but now people dont see beyond that aspect of me and i dont like it. maybe its cuz i really dont put much effort into the debate people anyway. ugh

im still so confused as to where im goijg for college like what ateneo or lasalle what even. i havent made the pros cons list, but i have no leans. if i go lasalle i can still debate and ill like the people better but do i really wanna keep debating? it gives me something to be interested in but like im not sure i wanna pursue it. i feel like i just stayed ij debate because it's the only thing that ever remained stable in my life, because i always drop hobbies. but sometimes i also stay because i genuinely enjoy debating. this passion is often thwarted by my insecurities about it tho, because im not as good as tonie or charpao, and ate mikee doesn't seem to be interested in trying to recruit me so that prolly means im not interesting enough anyway or im not good enough or she doesnt see any potential in me or smth idk. It's like i devoted so much time and effort into debate but when i try to break into the new world like college level i just always feel inadequate. and this branches into me just feeling like im not outstanding in anything and this makes me just a loser who's not good at anything. im bad at art, digital or physical, im bad at layout, im bad at math and science, i have no interest in literature, i lose interest when i read a book. i try debating but i feel like im never enough, the breaks aren't enough for people to consider me good yet. It's frustrating but i also feel empty. like these past few weeks i guess i just feel nothing when i do things, idk. like the same shit i been feeling when i tried to explain it to jordan, moments where im supposed to be happy i act that way but deep inside i feel nothing. like when i got to quarter finals i just felt, ok cool, but i didnt feel achieved or anything. all i feel is regret that i didnt advance to semis, when it was right in front of me. i was so stupid to not have remembered that somatic cells werent equal to stem cells. that was my time to really shine but i just brought down my partner. as if my entire life in stem was a waste. why am i like this i dedicate so much effort into something but it doesnt affect me enough or i dont learn enough am i just wasting money and time ugh. why am i so wasteful, my dad bought a cello for me for 20k but i barely used it for 4 months. he buys me medicine but i keep forgetting to take it. i dont even feel the need tk give back it's like im ungrateful and sppiled and everything I've ever hated. im writing this now and my heard feels cold and tight but i still dont care. there's so much going through my mind but i guess this is a p good summary.

i hope im not depresssed lol

[softandsadbean-blog]

things i will do better than my parents

punctuality

planning (for all occasions; gift giving, trips abroad, outings, events, family gatherings)

organization (the house is so fucking messy)

getting people to like you (i strongly dislike both of them)

i sincerely hope i dont become my mom. although she is successful in terms of money, her life is so disorganized and she is so emotionally detached yet clingy as fuck she is the epitome of everything i dont want to be as a person in the future.

am i an ungrateful child for saying these things? oops.

[softandsadbean-blog]

i feel ugly today

seriously the pimple marks on my face are bothering the fuck out of me. i tried putting on makeup and wearing contact lenses to see how I'd look without glasses, and im so ugly. my eyes are sloped downwards and my skin is so dull. my nose is too big and my lips look disproportionate. the makeup makes me feel like im trying too hard, and i am. i hate wearing red

[softandsadbean-blog]

im not entirely sure if im pretty here btw. i sometimes think im pretty in mirrors, but i can never seem to be satisfied with any photo. im satisfied with it for a while, but when i look back at it, all i can see are flaws and that im stupid for thinking im in any way attractive. haha

[softandsadbean-blog]

i am depressed today

i think im going to stop actively looking forr love, because it takes too much time and i dont seem to be satisfied with anyone. i also think that im going through things that i should deal with first before relying on another human being for happiness and validation.

[softandsadbean-blog]

My last chance

i hate myself. not because of my appearance, but because i am a truly despicable person. does anyone even like me. my friends all tease about how much they hate me, and my family has just revealed the same. my dad thinks i dont deserve to study abroad because he knows i have completely selfish intentions, that i have no tie back to the family. mom says she knows it too, the first thing that always comes to my mind is my personal wellbeing, and not of my family's. my brother doesn't ask for help from me anymore because he no longer relies on me. what the fuck even am i. why am i like this. even as i reflect now the only concern i have is that i might have a hard time succeeding in the future if i dont have their economic help. i barely have any concern for our relationship. as i was being scolded i kept thinking "i dont want to be in a family anyway". i dont know how to change. right now im going to make a daily reminder, every 3 hours to be nicer. that entails a lot of things. i dont know how i feel about myself anymore. never have i ever thought of so many ways to try to kill myself, and i kept trying to justify that it'd be worth it if i die. my mom clearly says that im the least contributive family member, yet i incur the most costs. now she's threatening to leave. if i end upp to be one of the reasons, ken will never forgive me. i hope he still loves me, because if even he doesnt then im basically worthless as a human being. i dont deserve anything, and even as i type this i feel entitled. im supposed to feel regretful but all i feel is inconvenience. why dont i love my family. everything i do feels like a burden. maybe i should try to consult a mental health specialist. but i also feel that if the worst is confirmed, i might not feel the need to try and improve myself anymore. i dont know what to do, and i have no one to talk to. I dont enjoy these conversations, and i know that they happen to help me improve, but why do i always feel nothing but resentment. hatred. anger. why cant i change. i know im supposed to. im going to try and make efforts to improve everything in my life. but i need time to do that. i want to stop talking to people, because everything i say just hurts.

[softandsadbean-blog]

I am a horrible person

Apparently i once said "fuck off" to one of my class mates, Jaycee. I don't even remember, but he told some people that ever since then he's been avoiding me. What the actually heck is wrong with me. I been so caught up with myself i dont even think twice about the things i do anymore. I'm not even feeling sad rn, it's just a realization.

[softandsadbean-blog]

What

I'm not supposed to feel great, but i feel great. It's making my confidence skyrocket, but I'm supposed to feel terrible. I'm causing pain to people but I only feel good about it, im even indirectly using it to brag and saying that it's a problem. What the fuck is wrong with me, I'm not supposed to feel pride that both desher and joey confesse that they liked me. I'm causing problems for them, probably idk. It could be nothing. I could be justified in feeling this way if their original intentions were to play with my emotions. idk. I'm hella confused. I wanna be close friends with them but why do they wanna like me. I sound like such a fucking bitch, complaining that people have a crush on me. And it's weird, because i feel dissappointed when they talk about the other people that they like. It's most likely a stab at my pride though. Because it feeds my ego that multiple people like me, and my subconscious is inclined to keep it that way. I'm supposed to be happy for people, but im only ever jealous or skeptical. why am i like this

[softandsadbean-blog]

Kind of inspiring

So i remember a tweet by shotaro the thomasian debater and it was something like "im gonna be as good as all the debaters and adjes that i look up to" and when i thought about it today it really kind of spoke to me. my problem is that i often resort to hating myself and ultimately becoming unproductive when i feel incompetent, or when i compare myself with other people and of course I'm the worse person there. maybe i should adopt this mentality, use my insecurities as a slingshot for improvement.

my biggest fear about this is that i might look for validation by comparing myself with other people and concluding that im better, therefore proving how I've "improved". i think i have an idea as to why my entire being always relies on comparisons, whether to love or hate myself, but that's a story for another day.

[softandsadbean-blog]

List (off the top of my head) of all the things I hate about myself

My nose is too big

My hairline is fucked

My eyes are uneven

I have yellowing teeth

I have so much acne

I’m too thin and malnourished, my ribs and spine show, my fingers are crooked

I’m narcissistic

I assume that i’m the best 

I can’t explain anything well, even if I try to tell people that I can

I’m not good at anything

I’m an average cook, an average student (literally at the 50% mark), a below average debater, a bad friend, a bad child, a bad sister, a horrible person. 

My handwriting is ugly

I’m ugly

I have too many insecurities

I’m a bother

I’m annoying

I constantly talk about myself

I live off validation

I use people to brag about myself

I’m emotionally detached

I lead people on

I crave attention

I don’t trust in my abilities

I manipulate people

I am a liar.

I’m over reactive

I’m fake

I blame my own faults on other things

I have a hard time learning

I’m lazy

I’m abusive as a friend, daughter, sister

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Hopefully this works as an outlet and not as a reflection of my future. I love you, and I hate you.