softdailies

[softdailies]

1. In retrospect

Well, hello. This "new year's post" is obviously late — two weeks late to be exact — but I'm going to post it anyway LOL

Just a little (vague) retrospect...

2021 was just a year-long roller-coaster ride for me, legit. The first half was just terrible and tough for me. There were a lot of shedding tears, uncomfortable situations and painful realizations. To be honest, during those rough months, I felt like there will be no redemption in sight at the end of the year but surprise, surprise the second half was just something I didn't see coming.

I've always dreaded starting anew (it's actually twice of the dread for someone who has a lot of self-doubts) but I'm glad that I'm still somehow self-aware (ha!). I knew for a fact that I won't go anywhere if I don't take a step forward and so I prayed, told myself that it's okay to do things afraid & just did what I have to do to push myself out of my comfort zone — and I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe things could get better from what felt like the lowest & darkest point of my life. I guess this is what they mean when they say when you hit rock bottom, there's no other way but up.

2021 was a year of pains, learnings and graces... lots of graces. And I owe it a lot to my people because I wouldn't be able to get through the whole ordeal of last year without them. So big big big thanks to my family (especially my sister) who supported me in their silences & their laughs, my closest friends who saw me in my most vulnerable yet held no judgment, and my journal where I was able to channel my idling thoughts to creating the kind of art I'm proud of. Couldn't bravely say that I would like to go through 2021 all over again but surviving the past year "unscathed" just felt more right for me more than anything.

So, I guess it is a good bye to you, 2021! You were a tough year that I believe I needed to go through. You were a year of refinement and recovery — definitely remarkable.

I don't know what 2022 has in store for me & I don't think I'll be ready for it but nobody's really going to be fully prepared for anything (the first two weeks already proved that LOL that's for another story). One of the things I learned last year is that sometimes you just have to face life head on & just wing it. Do it afraid. Do it messy. Do it spontaneously. Just do it because, trust me, you'll surprise yourself of the things you could do when you don't let your fears weigh you down.

And despite what's happening in the world, I can say that I'm still looking forward to whatever the future has in store for me. I genuinely hope you guys can also say the same for yourselves. ✳︎

[softdailies]

But the surest way to success over the long haul is by learning what failure is made of. Failing and being rejected are so good for you.

This is your moment to learn to say it out loud, "I don't know what comes next but I'm going to do my best with what's in front of me."

Learn to be an imperfect, uncertain person who embraces reality even when it's scary, who lives out in the open, who recognizes the enormous power of owning up to her own flaws. —Heather Havrilesky

[softdailies]

Doing things afraid

So... today I finally did something I've been dreading: apply for new work.

I've been out of work since mid-February. Although I did apply once (thanks to my friend who pushed & referred me), I felt like I wasn't ready then, so I declined the job offer. There were a lot of things going on in my life and I knew it will be unfair for me and the company if I pushed through when I was still trying to figure things out.

One of the factors (-I have a lot-) why I was hesitant to take up new work was because I have a lot of self-doubts.

I feel like I'm not good enough with what I do. How can I possibly apply for a new job when I feel like I don't even know anything? Can I be good at my work? Will someone actually hire me? Will I be able to carry out the tasks of the position I'll be hired for? What if I'm not cut out for any of these? What if I fail? These thoughts helped me to propel myself into self-sabotage mode — every. single. time. And it was very difficult because it's a battle with myself. No matter how many times I open up to my sibling or my closest friends, no matter how many encouraging words they tell me, I slip right back into the dark pit of my pessimistic thoughts.

Then one day, as I was skimming through my twitter timeline, I found a quote that struck me. It was Morgan Harper Nichol's words that gave me a nudge amidst all the turmoil that was happening in my head:

"You do not always have to be fearless. Doing it afraid is just as brave."

It resonated with me, especially since I was telling myself that once I feel that I'm brave enough to step out of the boat, I'll dive right into the ocean. I was waiting for my bravest moment. But the thing is I was always afraid. I never really felt brave, and so I was stuck in the same spot — never moving forward, just because I was waiting for that one thing will never come unless I just go for it regardless of what I'm feeling.

From these words I understood that you do not have to be brave before you start doing something. I may have conditioned my mind of what brave looks like but doing it afraid is also an act of being brave. Doing things afraid is also courage. Now I'm just at the first step, there's still a long way to go & a lot of "doing things afraid" moments before I get to where I want to be at this point in my life. But at least I've taken the first step in picking myself up.

Good job, self :)

[softdailies]

Currently #2

Reading — Object-oriented Design. I'm giving myself a refresher since I'll be applying for jobs this month & I've been kinda MIA in my industry lol. Next reading: refresher in cloud applications ;u;

Writing — My resume? Lol I actually finished writing it up, I'm just having a few edits and proofreading before sending it out. Wish me luck! xo

Listening — Acoustic Covers of Popular Songs in Spotify

Watching — Law School ended last week & what a ride that was! Also can I just say that I wish I had a solhwi closure but pd-nim decided to stick with the "this is not a romance drama" plan ;_; Anyway, I've been living off multiple fmvs from clip crumbs just to satisfy my need for a romantic solhwi closure. Tragic, I know.

Right now, I'm watching the latest talk of the town: Trese. I just finished Ep. 3 and I'm liking the story line so far. The animation definitely looks like western animes (idk the right term but it's definitely not anime, so gomen) — not a bad thing btw, at least for me. The way it was drawn gives a certain Filipino touch. The main issue I have is (like everyone has already pointed out) the Filipino dubbing for the main character, Alexandra Trese. I have yet to immerse myself fully in the fil dub since I've been watching it using different dubs just to try things. So far, the nihongo dub sits at the top.

Thinking — Of where I want to go from here

Smelling — Turon since it's just at arm's length from me lol

Wishing — For a more fruitful & productive 192 days! (That's the rest of the year, btw ;u;) I just want to be productive in all aspect and kickstart whatever it is I need to start to gain momentum for next year. I still haven't figured everything out but I am reminding myself to take it one day at a time, with a hope for the future in mind.

Right now, I want to start a new job, apply for masters, slowly make way for a sort of career shift (by learning via online courses) and try building a business. I know it's a lot to put in my plate but I think it's important to keep challenging myself into discovering what I can do & give my best to while I still can :)

Hoping — I'll land a job this month!!!! #claimingit!

Wearing — A white tank top and blue floral border shorts (typical)

Loving — My new meow illustration washi tapes! Super loved the neutrals + brown tones, couldn't get enough of it tbh. I feel like I will use it all the time (which is actually a good thing) hahaha

Wanting — More stamps, washi tapes and stickers (deco + transfer ones) ;_; I promised myself that I'll checkout my journal pages cart once I land a job #reward

Needing — JAPANESE FOOD omg I've been craving for a few days now!!!! My sister and I ate at Yayoi last week but it's still not enough! I want more Japanese food, particularly sukiyaki & sashimi UGHHHhhHhHhelp

Clicking — Still looking for online courses I could purchase (but still hoping there's a free one) for studying :)

[softdailies]

Favorite things while living in Japan

spring

train stations & train rides

vendo machines

clear (sunset) skies

parks & alleys

kids / babies

walking & crossing the street

ramen, ofc

snowboarding

donki & konbinis

festivals

conveyor belt sushi

claygo + segregation of wastes

bus rides

living in japan

[softdailies]

Before the Mid-year

Two weeks ago, my family & I went to Batangas to celebrate my sibling's birthday and get a break from the city life. It was just a brief stay — a weekend escapade. The whole resort was rented for our group only, in consideration of the pandemic & for everyone's privacy since we held a small party. (As extra pre-caution, people from the same household stayed at the same room & ate together.)

It was a surprise, so we intentionally left Manila late to avoid spoiling the event (TMI: We got a little lost along the way while looking for the resort. We lost almost an hour trying to locate it lol). We had our very late lunch at the resort since we decided not to dine at the expressway then after resting, we decorated the resort's gazebo, watched the sunset & had a quick sunset dip.

Anyway, the party was a success! The fam left my sibling with the rest of their group of friends to celebrate. We decided not to mingle as respect also to their space — baka kasi maging party pooper ang parents or ma-conscious sila masyado :) Woke up early the next morning, just in time to watch the sunrise. We decided to have an early-breakfast (buffet!), so we can enjoy the rest of the day swimming & snorkeling (& freediving on the side, even though we left our "sea bag" full of fins, goggles & snorkels at home LOL that's on me) 'til our checkout time.

And that's about it for our one night weekend escapade in Mabini, Batangas! We will be coming back next weekend as a celebration of my birthday & father's day. Hopefully, I won't forget our sea bag, get to see better reefs & get to duck dive lots of times (≧∇≦)ﾉ xx

[softdailies]

Hohol after a long time

Met one of my closest friends after more than a year of not seeing each other (thank you, lockdown! ;_;) to catch up about life and get a break from being cooped inside each other's homes. It's been awhile since we both saw other friends face-to-face — the pandemic made everyone really cautious about interacting with people and the strict restrictions per locality didn't also allow it. But it felt nice to just hangout + see people other than my family and go to a place other than our house haha!

Anyway, it was a rather chill day. We just had lunch, walked around the mall (there wasn't much anything to do lol), and talked about whatever's up with our lives over coffee. Daming tawanan, dami din seryosong usapan. Literally just catching up & hanging out. Funny thing is, it's been so long that I've actually forgotten how it felt like to connect with people. I hope others get to hang out with their people too; in these trying times, being able to actually connect to our dearest friends/families helps a lot to get through things.

Aaah, thank God for friendships where I can feel comfortable, and just let myself be vulnerable. Cheers to friendships! :)

[softdailies]

Thinking of 35mm

I have this private twitter account that I've been using since early this year. I have 0 followers there and I'm only following people/accounts that provide contents that are more likable than the ones I've been seeing on my main. Honestly, it gives a different kind of comfort having that private space all to myself, since I feel like I can be honest without the judgment of the world except for myself.

I've been following a lot of Japanese who are into filmography and visual arts/design in that account & I constantly receive a lot of inspiration from them (little did they know haha). I've been thinking of getting my very own 35mm since two years ago, back when I was still living in Japan. I searched for places where to buy a good film camera for beginners in Tokyo but ended up not buying any, not even trying to look for it. (Most camera stores are in Shinjuku area btw, based on the vlogs I watched.)

I guess I wasn't really into it back then... although I did buy a few disposable film cameras I could use when I get back to Manila. Actually, I still have one with 12 shots remaining and another unused. They are bound to expire this year (one this June and another on August). I'm planning to finish the used camera when we go to the beach next weekend :)

As for buying an actual 35mm, I would have to re-assess everything since getting a film camera means spending a whole lot on films & developing the pictures in either hard or soft copies. (Throwback to when I printed my first disposable camera in Japan. I didn't expect I'd spent another thousand++ yen just for printing my photos lol)

Anyway, this is just a random brain-fart lol. Ciao! xx

[softdailies]

Currently #1

Reading — Nothing... been awhile since I last held a book in my hands. My attention span seems to be decreasing as I grow older ._.

Writing — Haven't written in my journal since May. Too lazy + creative burnout, I guess? But I'm going to catch up this June, I promise!

Listening — A lot of good stuff dropped this week! One of my faves is Rose by Taeyong and Seulgi. I've been listening to it non-stop since the day they dropped it because I really love the beats and the lyrics. Very easy to listen and also very perfect for the current weather in Manila. Give it a listen here: TY X Seulgi - Rose

Also, Exo's newest album dropped two days ago! It's been awhile since I last listened to any of their songs + they haven't had a comeback in 2 years given the members' enlistment, so I was really expecting a lot from this album & man, they just never disappoint! I particularly love DFTF & literally screamed when I saw Yixing in the MV lol. Anyway, the album is a certified bop & Runaway is officially my favorite b-side.

Watching — I currently have a lot of ongoing dramas/series: 1. Law School (last episode will drop today!!!!), 2. The Tale of the Nine-Tailed (I just want to see Kim Kibum act like a villain heh), 3. Jujutsu Kaisen (watching it for the second time lol, I've been waiting for Season 2!)

Thinking — Let's go there some other time, yeah? :<

Smelling — Hmmmm nothing at the moment lol. The flowers I received last time are all dried up and their smell no longer lingers in the house.

Wishing — I wasn't very afraid about a lot of things.

Hoping — For a fruitful month of June!!!!!! #claimingit

Wearing — Just the usual pambahay: white shirt + board shorts. The pandemic left everyone always wearing either comfy clothes or none at all lol

Loving — I did a few edits last night in Photoshop and I loved how the posters turned out! Exploring my knack for visual arts give me a different kind of joy tbvh. It's so relaxing and fun to do (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Wanting — A lot of stamps from Journal Pages. My cart is full of stamps + labels & I was so ready to check out already but I found I need at least 600 MYR to do so... I backed away ever so slowly huhuhuhuhu

I also have a cart filled with stationery stuff from Smida & Sumthings of Mine arghhhh why are my hobbies so expensive!!

Needing — Money, jowa and direction in life LOL but seriously, I feel like I'm the only one in the world who haven't got their life figured/planned out & a lot of people (myself included) is making me feel like I'm supposed to, else I'm a failure ╯︿╰

Clicking — NATM (none at the moment)

[softdailies]

Hello.

It's me again haha. I'm giving (micro)blogging another try, although blogging in itself is already "dying". Anyway, I overhauled my previous posts in this blog since I wanted things to be simpler — probably more of just lists and unedited photos rather than long texts. Hoping I could at least keep this up for at least 3 months with weekly posts, just to practice my level of commitment & consistency hah ;_; xx