sohardboiled

[sohardboiled]

this may come from a place of privilege, and i don't intend for it to be that way—this is solely coming from a place of frustration.

i know it has its own pros, but working under your parents can be so frustrating and exhausting. the mental toll it takes, the exhaustion, the overwhelming guilt for even feeling this way, or just thinking about quitting because that would mean leaving them behind at some point. but goodness, how mentally draining it can be. to internally absorb the hurtful words, to sit with the weight of things they say—sometimes unfiltered—because they believe being a parent excuses them. i know they only say and do things at times out of emotions, but sometimes it can feel personal. and it hurts in a different kind of way when it comes from them.

i know i should be grateful for the opportunity to work with them, to not have to constantly search for jobs or worry about unemployment. i don’t know how to fully explain it. but it can be insanely frustrating.

[sohardboiled]

last year, i binge-watched why women kill with my sister and finished the entire series in about three days. i still think about karl and simone’s relationship. it wasn’t the conventional kind of love story, certainly not a traditional marriage. but what they had was beautiful. they became each other’s best friend and in many ways, they fulfilled the kind of partnership most people long for <3

some might say it wasn’t true love because it began with secrets. but as the series went on, it became clear to me that love can take many forms. their bond reminded me of angie and her wife actually! the love between them is just as real, just as profound.

i also remember a video i saw last year. it was a woman filming her divorced parents. her mom was sick, i think with cancer, and her dad was still by her side. he kept making her laugh, cared for her, and stayed with her through it all. that, to me, was love too.

it made me realize that love isn’t just romantic, and it doesn’t always look the way we expect. it can be found in friendship, in forgiveness, in constant care. we tend to underestimate what love really is but it’s deeper and far more complex than we think.

there’s so much beauty in loving someone fully. accepting them for who they are, forgiving their flaws, and showing up even when you no longer have to. that kind of love is truly profound. wholehearted. irrevocable. the kind that goes beyond words and maybe, even beyond this world! may we all experience that kind of deep love and care in our lifetime and the next :’)

[sohardboiled]

The people who go "well who's going to look after you when you're old?" when you say you're not having kids are breathtakingly naive. Our next-door neighbour, somewhere in her mid-80s, has a son, grandkids, and a grear-granddaughter, and who's the one she calls when she needs help, and checks that she's not spending christmas alone? Me and my boyfriend.

Having kids is irrelevant if the answer to that question is still going to be "the mentally ill faggots next door."

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pleasure. i miss feeling pleasure. i miss feeling wanted—yearned for. i wonder how it feels when everything becomes more than just sex. for once, i want to feel that. i want to feel someone being crazed over me—so desperate, so eager, so aggressive with want.

nakakainis because why do men suck in bed? why are they always so selfish? why do they never prioritize their partner’s pleasure?

[sohardboiled]

OK. i’m so sexually frustrated. i don’t know what it is with some men not understanding how a woman’s body works, but it’s incredibly frustrating when you end up being the one left unsatisfied. and by frustrated, i mean left hanging. it’s infuriating because it seems so easy for men to finish, but for women, it’s not always that simple. i’m not saying this applies to every man, but generally and statistically speaking, men tend to have it easier in bed than women. what frustrates me the most is how some guys act like it takes so much effort to actually try to please you.

i’m so sexually frustrated it’s making me want to cry, especially because i don’t have any toys anymore. i haven’t bought a single one since all of mine broke, and i honestly don’t know what to do. well, i do know what to do but right now, i just need to rant because i’m overwhelmed with frustration. nakakainis. i don’t know if i’m annoyed because of the entire situation, or if i’m just more annoyed with myself for actually putting up with this for years. so stupid.

it’s just so crazy. this is coming from someone who’s been under so much stress for months and just wants to feel relaxed, to feel something good. i’m tired of feeling like this. tired, annoyed, PISSED off. tired of feeling used.

so please, men: be kind enough to prioritize your partner. and if they’re not your partner, then whoever you’re doing it with, please, prioritize them. if you know you can get off easily or faster, then all the more reason to focus on your partner first.

[sohardboiled]

[sohardboiled]

📌

will it matter tomorrow? will the energy of what i am carrying right now help me create something tomorrow? or will it destroy? will my sadness create a moment of self reflection or will it destroy my peace? will my anger create a new path for transmutation or will it burn me?

Viriyaakaruna

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shinobi reminds me of someone. i wasn't expecting this. so weird and awkward!!

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30 minutes of my life i’ll never get back

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ano bang iniiyak ko eh ang ganda ganda ko 🙂‍↔️

as much as i want to stay humble all the time, sometimes i need to say these things as a huge slap in the face because i tend to get insanely insecure and drown in this overwhelming sea of self-doubt and darkness. like girl, CHILL OUT. I know u have ur bad days but damn, you’re freaking gorgeous and sexy. calm down.

focus and work on yourself. read more books, love!

[sohardboiled]

i grew up in a family that wasn’t affectionate. “i love yous” and small reassuring gestures weren’t a thing. i got used to it tbh so when i see families who are naturally close, it always catches me off guard. it feels foreign kasi like something i was never meant to experience.

i think i was in my early 20s when i started trying to show affection toward my parents. i still don’t know how to open up to them, but i try to tell them i love them. lately, i’ve been doing the same with my ates and kuyas, though it still doesn’t come naturally.

my parents didn’t have a healthy childhood so they never really learned how to handle emotions. and somehow, we all ended up carrying that too. they dismiss me a lot when i try to show affection. most of the time i brush it off, but sometimes it stings. right now is one of those times. i feel drained.

i think, for the most part, i still feel unseen. there’s so much my family doesn’t know about me. it’s the same with b. it’s like they only ever see the worst parts of me. and maybe that’s all there is to see. maybe i’ve spent so much time trying to prove otherwise that i’ve convinced myself i’m more than that, when in reality, i don’t know if i am.

i need to sleep this off. i have to fight the urge to cry. the weight of it is too much.

night x

[sohardboiled]

i’m the type of person who rarely opens up to others. meeting someone doesn’t immediately make me feel like they’re my friend or someone i can truly trust. i need time to warm up to people. i admit i’m overly sensitive. even at my age, i still get hurt easily. but i try my best to work on it. to do something about it. that’s why at times, i choose to be distant and avoid certain things before they escalate into something worse.

sometimes i wonder what it’s like to have a person. someone who just gets you. your humor, your mess, your entire personality. someone who doesn’t need explanations, who doesn’t make you feel like you’re too much or too little. someone who stays not because they have to but because they want to. i think that’s rare. i think that’s something not everyone gets to have.

i’m saying all this because even now, i feel like i’m still in denial about how much i care about what others think of me especially the friends i made during college. i’ve grown really fond of them, and i talk to them way more than i do with my high school best friends. if i’m being honest, we’ve completely outgrown each other na nga. i used to think distance was the main reason for the fallout but the truth is, it started back in high school. i was just in denial because they were the only friends i had since freshman year. i think i held on too tightly to the idea that they were my people even when the connection had already faded. i doubt it even existed from the get go. the disrespect was making its presence felt na rin.

anyway, it just sucks. i want to have my own person too. i wish i had that. i know i don’t necessarily need it, but it would be nice. maybe it’s just wishful thinking. maybe some people are just meant to go through life without ever really being understood.

on another note. never opening up to others again. not even my messy and most comfortable side. i’ll just leave it somewhere no one can witness it. honestly it’s better that way. to be perceived as someone you’re actually not. maybe that’s the safest way to exist.

5:18 AM. morning and sleep soundly (to me, hopefully)

[sohardboiled]

when i was still very young i remember seeing my grandfather or sometimes even my father, sitting outside early in the morning while sipping hot coffee. back then, i never understood why they seemed so at peace just sitting there doing nothing. no rush, no noise. just them and their coffee. but now that i’ve grown older, i get it na. i crave it too.

when i was a teenager, i fell in love with sunrises more than sunsets. i would always mention it like it was a secret i wanted the world to know. there’s something about waking up early and watching the world come alive. there’s beauty in sunrise, in hearing the birds start to chirp, in feeling the cold air on your skin. the peaceful surroundings, the earthy smell of grass and soil, the beauty of it all. it’s like the world is offering you a brief moment of silence and rest before everything becomes loud again.

[sohardboiled]

one of the greatest lessons i’ve truly learned this year (so far) despite knowing it for years, is that we all change. and no, this doesn’t involve my current relationship. i mean us as individuals.

we grow, we evolve, and sometimes we outgrow the things, mindsets, or behaviors we once thought defined us. holding someone hostage to their past self robs them of the space to become better. and honestly, it robs us too when we do it to ourselves.

i realized that part of truly understanding change is accepting that the people we meet today are not the same people from years ago, not even the same people from last month. we’re all in a constant state of changing and the best thing we can do is allow grace for that both for ourselves and for others.

[sohardboiled]

i think you can be 40 and have a coming of age narrative

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sometimes, i like to imagine myself in another universe living a peaceful, healthy life. somewhere quiet—a small, warm countryside home with my four cats. i picture myself sitting on the grass in the soft afternoon light, a gentle breeze brushing against my skin as i lose myself in the pages of a good book. my cats are playing nearby, their laughter-like purrs filling the air :’)

i like to think that one day, i’ll have that kind of life. a place to finally call home. a place where the mornings are calm, the nights are quiet, and the days feel like they’re truly mine. i like to believe that, at some point, i’ll find that peace. a life where i can simply exist, without the weight of the world pressing down on me. a life where i can love everything around me as it is and feel, for the first time, like i’m exactly where i’m meant to be.

[sohardboiled]

for a moment, i felt myself slipping, teetering on the edge of that dark path again. i was ready to be vulnerable, to show love once more. for just a second, i was about to let my loving side resurface—foolishly hoping he’d treat it differently this time.

but i don’t want to go back. as much as it hurts, i know i can’t keep handing pieces of myself to someone who doesn’t know how to hold them. as much as possible, i want to stay away from him now. i want to unlove him, to finally let go and forget. not because i don’t love him anymore, but because i need to love myself more. i want to give myself this chance. this time, it’s for me.