solitalien

[solitalien]

We try Once More

I'm back again and worse than ever. My depression has reached an all-time high and I'm struggling to pull through. I have the help I need but I can't stand being stuck in this loop.

I don't smile, I don't talk and I don't care. I don't want to be this way, but I've tried almost everything to get out this funk. I don't want to do it anymore.

I've gotten a new medication and was seen by a doctor who was very sweet to me and made me feel a bit better. I'll be fine, I always am. All pain is temporary, and I can't handle it. especially after all this time.

[solitalien]

Almost Made me Cry

Recently me and my family got a baby Husky whom we named Jeter. (The name coming from the famous football player, the weed brand and the fact she was born on 04/20.)

I was coming out from the shower when I found her at the end of the hall and called her for a hug. Happily, she ran towards me, and I held and gave her some kisses and that's when I caught a whif of her scent. I buried my face in her fur, and she smelt like my mom.

My mother had left me and my family when I was thirteen and had passed two years ago. I hadn't had any physical contact with her in years, so you can imagen the surprise I had when I was rushed with a strong nostalgic smell. I breathed her in a little more and let Jeter be on her merry way.

I soon had realized though that the scent could have been from my father's girlfriend, as she wears perfume for whenever she leaves the house. She had just left for work though, so I had asked my siblings around if they had seen her hold Jeter before she left and they said yes.

Their answers left me disappointed. I wish Jeter just had that scent naturally, so that it felt like my mother was still with me. Can't do much now though.

Still love that girl.

[solitalien]

Only for a Minute

Hello Stranger,

It’s your local internet nobody, not to be degrading. As in my classic fashion I come back without really knowing what to say or why I’m talking. More than likely, and actually truly because of my mental health.

I’m pretty sure that I have diagnosed insomnia as I was given medication for it. Been struggling to take my med but I'm getting better at it. Slowly but surely.

I still feel like shit. Don't know what to necessarily do about it though. I want to get better, but I don't know what to do anymore to feel that way. I've sort of given up on the idea of it at all that my days are blurring and I'm waiting for something to pull me out of it.

I don't even know what I'm saying. Just know I'll probably disappear again, so don't wait up. Enjoy life.

[solitalien]

One of My Favorite Quotes

"Good vibrations." –Pegasus.

[solitalien]

Trying Not to Care at All

"I don't agree, but I'll let it be." —Solitalien.

[solitalien]

How's It Going?

Life has been feeling like this image. Now I wish I could write more eloquently.

[solitalien]

I’m Not Asking

I’ve been struggling to sleep as of lately. I went to my psychiatrist about it and he gave me medication to help, but I haven’t put the prescription in for it yet. So now I’m dealing with the consequences.

[solitalien]

This Deeply Saddens Me

Content Warning: Spoilers

As said this post contains spoilers for the Netflix series Weak Hero. Going on the possible struggles characters may face within the much-desired next season of the story.

Sorry to sound so serious :)))

I think most of us should have noticed this the moment Su-ho was put into a coma. Frankly, and although I was blind to it myself, it’s quite obvious of how likely the two are going to have their struggles in this new chapter of their lives.

Both Si-eun and Su-ho both are completely different people now, and it breaks my heart the very likely possibility that we’re going to see them struggle to rebuild that bond that they cherished so deeply. It’ll be tough, but I don’t doubt that they’ll make it out on the other side together.

Similar in Beom-seok and Su-ho’s fall out, I truly believe Su-ho will lash out and try to push Si-eun away out of frustrations to his now "disabled" self. With Si-eun continuing to move towards him, simply because of the natural care he has towards his friend.

I saw in a small analysis video about Su-ho’s character that when it came to him and Beom-seok’s fallout, he sorts of just accepted that they were just no longer friends. He gave him a chance and tried to help him but Boem-seok gave no appreciation to it. Once receiving that loud and clear, he didn’t pay any mind to him after. Simply left him alone unless Boem-seok provoked him, which was always by threatening Si-eun or Yeong-I.

Throughout the first shots of season one we see Si-eun sort of literally in Su-ho’s point of view. In the back of the class where he would be seated. I'm quite fond of this little detail as this goes to show how even before actually speaking to each other, Su-ho was always curious of who Si-eun was. Always watching over him till he needed to step in (like a “guardian angel”). Example of this was when they first ate lunch together and Su-ho asked Si-eun why he always has his earphones on.

Su-ho wasn’t someone Si-eun was looking for. He was “content” with his life till he met him, and now having been with him, Su-ho means everything to him. I don’t mean to say that to sound dramatic. I know he has new friends who he cherishes very deeply in class 2, and others who aren’t in his life anymore. But when he was asleep with Boem-seok in his dreams, he says he has to go back to his friends, and to Su-ho. Separating his name because even Boem-seok knows how important he is to the both of them, even in just a Si-eun's subconscious.

I don’t doubt we’re going to see the two struggle, and I don’t doubt that they’ll make passed it. They clearly mean so much to each other and as much as I want to wish they won’t fight. What show are we watching?

I think that we’ll see them grow in more beautiful ways then we already have seen them, and in a way from how their roles are now switched. With Si-eun being able to run far and Su-ho having to build back that stamina.

A good portion of the examples I used in this post were from Jennie Lee's videos on YouTube. Feel free to go and check her out and all that, her video's center mainly around Weak Hero so if you like this little post you'll like her videos.

Also, I referenced suhosieun's Tumblr post for this little "essay" as well. They also post Weak Hero related content too so go and check them out. They're the reason I'm posting this anyway.

Links:

Jennie Lee's YouTube Channel

Ahn Su-ho's UNTOLD Story: Script Book Secrets & Hidden Symbolism in Weak Hero

Ahn Su-ho's Untold Story Part 2

suhosieun's Tumblr Blog

i don't think we're ready to talk about the reality of suho's life after waking up, by suhosieun

[solitalien]

We Meet Again

I saw my ex in my dreams.

It wasn’t anything that I would say re-sparked any feelings but I felt sad. I remember we were at a park where we went on a date once and I could barely see anything or him, but I could see him smiling. I know I could because he had braces. At least in my dream as I remembered last I saw him.

We were talking about whatever when had had asked me a question I don’t know the context to. All I could remember was that I looked up to him and said that I wish I didn’t take him for granted.

In reality I had broken up with him because I couldn’t handle the amount of effort it would take to make a relationship work. Not that I didn’t love him or anything, but I wasn’t ready. I’m the type of person who needs time to themselves to recharge, and with him wanting to talk every day. It felt overwhelming. I couldn’t give him what he needed and I didn’t want that to fester up anymore then it did in me.

I hated it, because I loved him so much and he was so good to me. Now I crave love like I never had before and I think of him. To the point where I can’t tell if I miss him or what he gave me. I think it’s both.

[solitalien]

Weak Hero, Based on the Naver Webtoon

Content Warning: Spoilers

I binged this whole series in the span of three days and now I want more. These boys all have me in a choke hold and I refuse to read the Manhwa because I'm obsessed with the actors. I NEED SEASON 3 NOW!!!

I've loved many series and only wished good things for the characters within it. But never have I fallen so deeply in love with one that it made me want to become a better person.

The plot follows our main protagonist Yeon Si-eun who wants nothing more than to just be left alone. Focusing on his studies and not caring about the world around him. That is, until he's dragged into it by those who can't stand his peace. It's then we're introduced to the rest of the cast and as said. I fell in love.

I think the one thing that I liked about each of the characters was how you could easily see what type of moral code they all had. I read that when discussing the difference between Su-ho and Baku as they seem to have similar personalities. That the difference was that Baku wanted to protect the whole school. Su-ho wanted to protect Si-eun.

It made me happy because I would say both care about Si-eun just as equally, but it's who they are as people that drive them and their personal lives. Example of Baku with his father and their relationship. Him not wanting anyone to be like either of them. And Su-ho who only really had himself to look after till he gains those he wants to protect.

It's with that I can't really blame any character for their actions. At least till I understood the reasoning behind it. This is in example of Beom-seok, a feeble young man who can't help but feel belittled by everyone around him, as that's all he'd received growing up. It disappoints me the decisions he made throughout the series, but I understand why. He wanted to feel equal. He wanted to be those who hurt him because for him as a boy it's who he needs to be if he wants to survive and gain respect.

It could be a stretch to bring up the topic of masculinity and how toxic it can be with other things. But I find it to be a fair point to bring up within this series as it's mainly composed of young impressionable teenage boys.

From stories I've heard from my father, he and his friends many times when they were younger would fight each other. Whether that was to settle an argument or just how they met. It was just a natural thing he and the boys around him did. And the simple reason they did it was either for pride, or respect.

A lot of the time after my father would fight with other kids, they would become friends as they had nothing personal against each other to hold grudges. Other times it was because other kids would mess with his friends, and he couldn't let that slide. I wouldn't either, but when it comes to the world of "Weak Hero" that's all they know.

Each character's pride and connections lead them to violence, and they refuse to back down till it's over. Whatever "over" means to them.

What really got me attached to the show and what I believe many others as well. Was Si-eun and Su-ho's relationship.

If you've read any of my previous blogs, you should know that I have a huge thing for love that goes deeper than that. That being with Tori and Micheal from Solitaire, or even all the kids in The Breakfast Club. A deep care for someone that it doesn't matter why this person draws you in so. Just the fact that they're there, and they understand you as a person that they want you to be happy. I see that in Si-eun and Su-ho.

I think a sad thing that I have to point out in this series is how I've yet again found another sad person who I relate to on a very deep level. The desire to be alone and away from everyone else but feeling just as miserable when you are.

I love Si-eun so much because of the comfort he's brought me, but he reminds me so much of how angry I was in high school. How much of how I let people walk all over me and just do whatever. How much I craved for someone like Su-ho to come into my life. Not that Si-eun was. I find it quite obvious how much he appreciates him though. Infact, I feel that because of how much I can relate to him I can understand what he's thinking. Not trying to be special or anything.

I see it in his eyes every time. The same way I would see it in Tori's. And just as the two of them, they've found someone who brings them peace.

I hope to find that person too, but I feel I've rambled on long enough that my laptop thinks so as well. (It's at 8%.)

Needless to say, I love this series. I want season three now and I will now see to invest in Twinkling Watermelon because a lot of the actors are in a lot of other shows together as well. Good day.

5/5

[solitalien]

The Work Life

"You can give it a hundred percent and still receive the last zero."

—Solitalien.

[solitalien]

Giving a Hundred and Receiving the Last Zero

I remember last night when switching over my laundry I had been stressing the thought that I hadn't written anything here for about a month. Within that month I had quit my job, looked for jobs, and discovered what I actually wanted to do with my life. I won't go into detail onto how those things happened but know that I hated my job and am doing fine now.

I had thought about how in my life I was never seen as something exceptional. From at least my point of view. Since as it's well known, an artist looking at its own work, is its worst critic. Especially in the work force. You're never going to really going to be praised for the ten things you do right, but for the one thing you do wrong.

I should have never expected that kind of praise but it's stupid that you won't look anywhere deeper into my character to understand why I did what was wrong. I will never instinctually to do wrong. Not when it comes to the things I take pride in.

I guess that's just how work is though sadly, and how I came up with the title of this post. I gave a hundred and received the last zero, because it didn't really matter. That's just how it is though when you work for shitty people though. I don't like to think that.

Lucky though I've found a new job, and the manager seems nice. Hopefully all goes well.

[solitalien]

I, The Unfair Artist

"Go ahead, put anything," Tumblr has told me. I haven't written anything here for months yet here I am, and I can't even come up with a concept of what to tell you. It's always the same as when I feel it on paper. Wanting to create a picture and yet my hand does not. I'm over thinking it. I don't want to anymore still here I am doing that. It's annoying, making my wrists become aware of themselves.

If you wonder, why I've been gone for long It's due to the simple fact that I had no reason nor motivation to be here. I had thoughts to write but no drive to put them on paper, or type. I was lacking the push to do anything other than dream of fulling the hole it left in me.

I'm here now though. Not sure for how long but it's enough that I'll be okay. I have a plan in my reality that if it works, I won't be stressing about what to do with my life. Maybe I'll be enjoying the things I like just a little more, and that's why I'm here.

[solitalien]

Birthday Blues

I turn twenty this year. I don't feel that old. I still feel as if I'm dreading the end of the weekend. Having to stress about homework for classes I no longer have.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday not caring and getting everything I've ever wanted. Not to sound selfish. But today and ever since the beginning of this year I've felt as if I haven't been able to enjoy anything. My art, my writing, my bed. It's all weighted on me like, "Duh. You should be enjoying this." It hasn't felt like I that for one second. So here I am. Poorly writing in my blog out to no one that I didn't have a good feeling about this anyway, and I think that's what my dreams have been alluding to all this time.

Filled with romance and comfort. All towards me. I want to feel like I was thought of. Of course you can ask me what I want for my birthday, but you can still surprise me.

Last Christmas was one of the best Christmas's for me and my family. Everyone was surprised and got things that made them happy. Even on their wish lists. Except when I opened all of my gifts it was everything I had listed out. Not something I figured my family would have taken noticed of within my interest. Pencils, art equipment, a new bag. It sorts of felt half assed to me. not that I don't appreciate them. I use them like every day.

I'm sorry if this sound like complaining, but I feel I'm the only one who really takes notes on things my family and friends smile at. I don't even think I'm getting a proper party this time. Happy birthday to me.

[solitalien]

Being Cared For

I had another weird “boyfriend” dream last night. This dream involved Min Yoongi and Jung Hoseok. Both from BTS. To give some background on me and my relationship with BTS. I am a huge fan of Jung Hoseok or more known as J-Hope. He is my favorite, and I am completely in love with him. And in my dream, I remember feeling this way and wanting to pursue him.

I believe I was at some gathering sort of like a party, and I saw there Yoongi. We were talking and whatever but then it turned into flirting. The flirting was about how if I knew how to dance, and if anyone had ever taught me. It was sort of like a sexual innuendo considering the scenario.

We were both vibing to it but then during the party I was pulled away and then there was some sort of altercation. I can’t remember what, but I remember seeing these people fighting and then I saw Yoongi show up and he looked happy that he found me, but it quickly disappeared when he saw how unhappy I looked. And as soon as I sort of became involved in the altercation, he jumped in. Being scared of the whole thing I ran away.

I believe the fight was me and J-Hope, but he wasn’t the J-Hope I knew in the awake world. He was angry and jealous and all-around kind of a dick. And I knew that that wasn’t the Hobi I loved. He was yelling at me on why I didn’t act the same with him as Yoongi. It scared me that when I saw Yoongi I didn’t know what to do.

The J-Hope in my dream was a bad boy and just wasn’t as kind and silly as he actually is. He was a brute, and I knew in my dream I had come with the party with him only to be left alone the entire time. Hence why I met Yoongi, I guess.

As I was running, Yoongi went after me and went to stop me. I remember him being so much taller than me and he grabbed me by the shoulders he had to bend down a little to look at me from eye level. I think I was crying, and he looked so concerned and worried. I felt awful. He was asking me what was wrong, and I said that I couldn’t do this with him. That I was in love with someone else. This only made him more upset and confused. It wasn’t the kind where he got upset because I was being “stubborn" or he found it unreasonable. He seemed confused and upset because he didn’t understand. And it only made me cry more. I just remember him looking at me with such caring concerned that he just didn’t want to leave me alone like that. Crouched down to my level, and wiping my tears away. So soft and gently where in my dream I knew I was in love with him. I felt like I was lying to myself. I didn’t know what to do.

I can’t remember much about the end, but I’d like to think that- because this is what I feel happened. We went out and got some frozen yogurt. I’m pretty positive we hugged. It was nice. I hope to find someone like that in my future.

(And just for clarification. Hobi is still my absolute fav. I’ll post later on what I think the dream meant but yeah. Whatever.)

[solitalien]

New Crush

Had a dream Kit Connor was my boyfriend.

I was having a really hard day, and he came over to comfort me and he was just so sweet. Holding me while I was trying not to cry.

the dream turned scary though, so feel kind of awkward saying that.

[solitalien]

A Cute Boy

I had a dream about you cute boy I met in an ice cream shop. I couldn’t describe it well to you but he was just so charming. I could tell he was trying to flirt with me. Although I didn’t look like myself in the dream I hope he’s real and we meet. He was really nice.