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ohh what a nice blog to have kept <3

I'd forgotten how difficult it was for me to find the astrology path, and it's reassuring to know that things eventually did fall into place. I wanted to become an astrologer since 2018, then I did it in 2021 and I've been doing what I love since then.

I wish I could tell my younger self this. I am, through this post. You've made it! And you keep growing and getting used to the fact that it's all a journey, a work in progress, something constantly shifting. And it's beautiful.

I wish my future self could tell me the same about love. Last year I felt like I finally left Nico behind, let her go, and then met Alexandra, and I've been grieving for her since May last year. It's a complicated grief, to no one's surprise. I'm trying to remember that things do fall into place and that it's possible for me to meet someone nice, and emotionally available, and connected. That I deserve a good relationship. To be loved. Feels miles away right now. But I'm writing this in appreciation of how things fell into place professionally and with hope that in a while I'll come back writing about love in the same way I'm writing about work now.

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Forest morning

satunkuva

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OK but the thing about the Marie Kondo thing, is that when I’m thinking about everything in my house in terms of whether it makes me happy, I remember that me being happy is important and good? 

Like, so often I’ve framed my messiness and lack of organization as me being a failure, falling short of some abstract ideal.  And the idea behind so many of those cleaning shows, like Hoarders and whatever, is that you can’t live like this because it’s disgusting and you should be ashamed.  But if you’re depressed and anxious, being shamed doesn’t motivate you to be better; it just reinforces the idea that your life is a nightmare you can’t escape because you’re too [lazy/stupid/worthless/ugly/unloved/unlovable] to do the things good, normal people do to make it OK. 

(And this is a number my mom did on me too, or exacerbated at least, because this is how she treated cleaning– still does, sadly– in that “get rid of the couches, we can’t let people know we sit” way, where when people are coming over, or when a fit of bad mental weather is coming on, you suddenly put the shame glasses on and things that were OK a minute ago are suddenly filthy and disgusting and how can we live like this, it’s because we’re bad people, quick make it look like we don’t live like this so no one will know how bad we truly are.)

I’ve literally never thought of cleaning/organization as something to do for myself.  Making my house a place that makes me happy, a place full of things that make me happy, where I don’t have to panic when I need or want something, because it’s not buried under a pile of random crap I hate but can’t deal with.

But it seems so simple, once you start to think about it this way: This is my house.  Nothing belongs here that doesn’t serve the purpose of my joy. And the things that do bring me joy, belong where I can find them, clean and cared for, when I need them next. For me, because they’re mine, and it’s hard enough in this world, and I will cling to and fight for and look after what sparks joy.

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Feel the pain - Walking through by Pierre-Alexandre Schuller

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2020 was a year for

- connecting to roots: spent 4 months at home, gardened, did the generational trauma healing program w/ Florina, did family constellations w/ Paul and Carmen, processed a lot a looot of emotions linked to mom (recently discovered) and dad (more of the same but deeper), talked with sis about childhood wounds, bonded with her

- learning about trauma. Reading Body keeps the score, listening to Gabor Mate lectures, reading about the polyvagal theory

- learning not to be so nice anymore. Expecting and allowing guilt when I don't always please others.

- reconnecting to my strength (Mars return) after challenges linked to work and authority. Trusting who I am and where I am, realizing how my issues with dad projected on my relationship with Andreea from work. Learning to not take responsibility for other people's emotions and healing.

- finally accepting the circumstances of my life instead of keeping a constant inner struggle

- therapy, therapy, therapy

- starting to give live astro readings!!

- raising money!

- deciding almost surely that I'm gonna do the child psych master's starting from next year

- overworking, tiring myself out, being pushed to take care of myself more... finally realizing where this incredibly bothersome pressure pattern comes from

- reading tons of Sherlock fic. Rewatching Sherlock. Writing fic. Posting on tumblr. Connecting to this beautiful piece of fiction

- changing my OTP. Aziraphale and Crowley from Good Omens ♡ healthier ship. Magical ship. Overflowing with love. Soothing my nervous system thru beautiful fiction.

- discovering incredible medieval/pagan music: Heilung, Skald, Wardruna, Runfell, and others in-between. Felt like another kind of connecting to my roots.

- reconnecting with Shane and exploring what went wrong in our connection. Exploring desire, attraction, and boundaries

- reconnecting to my inner feminine side - receptivity, the vulnerability I was always afraid of and in denial of and covering with my impulse to dominate. Embracing both tendencies.

- exploring kink thru self-play and fiction. Finding more of what I like

- sending voice messages to everyoooone

- having Covid and surviving it

- going @the Sinca Veche temple and setting the intention of living life in constant pleasure

- overeating... and keeping a strange relationship with food. Finding out more about the roots of addiction. Still suffering, still addicted.

- reconnecting with Cris, then disconnecting again; finding a healthier stance in rship with her, recognizing the intermittent reinforcement/emotional unavailability patterns, trusting my needs and respecting her boundaries

- chatting with friends mostly online. Rediscovering how important they are to me (Mada, Ale, Tatiana, Shane, Andreea)

- exercising almost daily!

- working on setting a daily meditation routine. Managing then relapsing then... so on and so on

A painful year, all in all, but very helpful. Went back to the roots. Exploring, trusting, allowing more and more. Trusting myself step by step. Feeling more free from my conditioning and more ready to explore what kind of life I really want :)

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Milky Way at Irishtown, Western Australia

Nikon d5500 - 50mm - ISO 4000 - f/2.2 - Foreground: 11 x 20 seconds - Sky: 16 x 25 seconds - iOptron SkyTracker - Hoya Red Intensifier filter

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Did you know that modern C sections were invented by African women— centuries before they were standard elsewhere?

Midwives and surgeons living around Lake Tanganyika and Lake Victoria perfected the procedure hundreds of years ago. When a baby couldn’t be delivered vaginally, these healers sedated the laboring mother using large amounts of banana wine. They tied the mother to the bed for safety, sterilized a knife using heat, and made the incision, acting quickly as a team to prevent excessive blood loss or the accidental cutting of other organs. The combination of sterile, sharp equipment and sedation made the procedure surprisingly calm and comfortable for the mother.

After the baby was delivered, antiseptic tinctures and salves were used to clean the area and stitches were applied. Women rarely developed infections, shock, or excessive blood loss after a cesarean section and the most common problem reported was that it took longer for the mother’s milk to come in (an issue that was solved with friends and relatives who would nurse the baby instead).

In Uganda, C sections were normally performed by a team of male healers, but in Tanzania and DRC, they were typically done by female midwives.

The majority of women and babies survived this, and when questioned about it by European colonists in the mid-1800s, many people in Uganda and Tanzania indicated that the procedure had been performed routinely since time immemorial.

This was at a time when Europeans had only barely started to figure out that they should wash their hands before performing surgery, when nearly half of European and US women died in childbirth, and when nearly 100% of European women died if a C section was performed.

Detailed explanations of Ugandan C-sections were published globally in scholarly journals by the 1880s and helped the rest of the world learn how to save mothers and babies with minimal complications.

So if you’re one of the people who wouldn’t be alive today without a C-section, you have Ugandan surgeons and Tanzanian and Congolese midwives to thank for their contributions to medical science.

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“The practice of assertiveness means acting. Act as if you are already the healthiest person you can be. Do not wait until you feel better about yourself or until you believe you have what it takes. Act as if you are self-actualised and your beliefs will follow suit. Act while you fear rather than waiting until you feel unafraid. “Acting as if” is a form of playfulness. Play successfully combines contrasts and opposites. When we act as if we are already more advanced than we imagine ourselves to be, we are creatively playing with an old, habitual self-image and welcoming a new self that wants to emerge. This new self is encouraged into existence by the image we are displaying when we “act as if.””

— David Richo, How to Be an Adult (via oaluz)

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Gregory Colbert

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Happily Ever After (2019) for Steven Universe