someweirdmoments

[someweirdmoments]

hey hey, been a long time. I have been thinking about writing my memories down, then I suddenly remembered - I had here! what a fucking horrible end of summer and so fucking beautiful at the same time.

finally, in the end, I cut all the ties. no more men left in the family that I feel connected anymore, or I have to call in times of need. I am all alone now and that is fine.

and for the first time in my life, I don't feel the need to have someone in my life. I got sick, I threw up, I fell asleep, I woke up, I started eating again and I got better - all by myself and now I am even more sure that I do not fucking need an idiotic creature in my life that lacks all means of respect towards me or other women.

what is next? probably living my life in peace without having to explain anything to anyone.

[someweirdmoments]

I don’t know how I’ll get better, but it feels like eternity at the moment. I can choose to give up now, or I can simply choose to give no fuck now.

I want him to make the effort for me, I want him to make me feel loved and cared and worth fighting for. I know that if he doesn’t, he will simply feed my lack of self-worth and I will fall into that trap once again. I know very well that I should not set my value based on his actions but I just cannot help it. I don’t know how to heal this and I feel stuck.

I just wish he did just the right things at the right time. I wish it worked this time.

[someweirdmoments]

It takes time and effort and patience to rebuild trust. I don’t think it’s impossible, but you have to give all you got to make it work. And if it does, then you will never regret trying.

[someweirdmoments]

It feels like I’m tied to a rope and I’m climbing some intense couple of rocks, very high and scary but I know I will not die if I fall because there’s water below and I can swim forever.

And the rope got stuck.

I can’t go up, I can’t go down. The only visible way out of this is to cut the rope and fall into the sea. But I don’t do it yet, because I still believe that somebody will come to pull me up and rescue me.

[someweirdmoments]

I choose to trust the process.

[someweirdmoments]

It’s not about whether he has commitment issues or not. It’s about how much effort he puts in for the sake of healing - how much he’s willing to work on himself and also support my healing journey while doing that.

Until he starts doing the work, I’m out.

And I hope he does.

[someweirdmoments]

And it’s fucking weird that the moment I wished he would send me a reel once, he really did send it!?

He also says things that I think sometimes.

I don’t know, these kind of things just keep me away from letting him go. Really weird.

[someweirdmoments]

I don’t like liars and their unreliability. I don’t like when he says something just to have said it. And I am gonna say something about this for sure. I think it’s time.

[someweirdmoments]

Waiting for one to call or text is the most painful of all, especially when you know in your heart that you are being a backup. What if he does call? Do I swallow my pride and see him anyway or just show him the door? I did like him, but I don’t like the way he makes me feel. I guess that’s all I should know.

[someweirdmoments]

I had recently started antidepressants. The highs were the highest and the lows were the lowest those days. I was by the Danube river, lying on the grass, watching the sky. I could see the sky bluer than ever, leaves of a big tree greener than ever and the clouds whiter, puffier and homier than ever. I thought, this is the happiest moment of my life. For real. Then I though, shit, I will never live a moment that is happier than this. A tear of happiness and sadness left itself free of my right eye at the very same moment. A moment I will never forget.

[someweirdmoments]

The hardest part is you want to write to him so fucking bad that you feel way too tense to write because you know it will suck to your very core because of all this stress.

You need to relax first and once you do that, you won’t even have to write because he will do that first for sure.

[someweirdmoments]

The biggest challenge in life is finding the balance in between I might die any minute and I might live forever.

[someweirdmoments]

So whichever way I chose, I would still be ending up at this very point today, looking for a job and maybe even visiting my hometown. Maybe meeting him anyway or maybe not, in either case it feels like I’m at the very point where I’m supposed to be. And I really like his company.

[someweirdmoments]

Can a person that writes hurt someone else? Why am I so scared of being hurt again? Haven’t I been there before?

[someweirdmoments]

Years and years of trauma collected in one body. Isn’t that too much for such a simple human being?

Where are you? Can you please find me now? I can’t chase anymore, I’m too tired. Why don’t you come find me while I’m sipping at my ice cold lemonade under the sun?

[someweirdmoments]

Bof. Learning to let go. Practicing it. Missing human interaction. Trying to be ok in general. Missing the sun. Why so much rain lately? It’s as if the rain is stealing my tears, which is good.

There are people I miss too. Where are they? Why am I so alone lately?

I don’t feel lonely though. This is good. I feel ok.

I love eating good food by the way.

[someweirdmoments]

It is possible to do your job with happiness instead of stress.

It is possible to spread happiness and comfort instead of stress and tension.

It is possible to love your job instead of hate your manager.

I’m more productive when I’m not stressed. I can come up with solutions instead of complaints. I’m capable of that.