somewhereanywherethere-blog

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The past few months have been very difficult. I left tumblr for awhile to focus on what I needed to focus on and at that time it was a mix of many painful and complicated issues. I wish it was easy to explain and I wish it was an easy list of issues but most of them are mental and some of them are well beyond my control.

I used tumblr as a way to cope with what was happening in my real life and after I made a terrible few mistakes and a terrible few things happened to me back in December I had to do some sobering and promised myself that in the new year I would seek out to fix what hurt and once I found what hurt I would learn to reverse it or deal with that pain in a healthier way.

I don't know if I would be the same person I am right now in May of 2014 if I hadn't sought help in December 2013. In fact, I probably wouldn't even be typing this. I wouldn't be.

And keep in mind this is still one huge work in progress. I'm still just digging myself out of my hole.

I've always been an honest person. I'm an artist who uses writing and other mediums to express my emotions. I stopped writing my fanfiction in December for two reasons. One, was that I couldn't find the light I once had for it, the one thing I lived for became the one thing that made me dread looking into a blank notebook. I wasn't just not writing fanfiction, I wasn't writing period. I wasn't painting. I wasn't sketching. Second, my macbook finally decided it was time for me to bury it. Which I've figured must have been a sign from some external force that it was time to put an end to my old life and time to start fresh.

My documents (stories, diet logs, Over compulsive lists, anxiety lists, letters to friends I wrote but never sent), my pictures of people who've hurt me, pictures of children I once nannied but never got to say goodbye to, pictures of bodies I wish I had that kept me from eating weeks at a time, recovery calorie intake logs, emails from family members who destroyed me emotionally...everything...I just let it go.

I saved one fanfiction one shot  (I had it on a flash drive before my mac died) and I will be posting it either tonight or tomorrow morning.

At the suggestion of a good friend who had been through something quite similar I made a new tumblr. I can not avoid something and still expect to progress forward. I just have to return to it in a better way.

I didn't come back to this tumblr because I didn't know quite yet if I felt safe coming back to something I knew had the ability to suck me in. I also didn't think I deserved you, that I was worthy to know such amazing beautiful people. And part of me has struggled and still struggles posting this here because it's not that I've abandoned this fandom or abandoned my friends, it was always that I felt you all could live happier without my existence.

I still am snobby about most social media. I have a complex about telling the world about my private shit. In fact, by the time you read this I have deleted and re-wrote this 3 4 times.

I also know that this mid-twenties-crisis isn't something I'm alone in. Most of the internet is full of young people who wake up in the morning and don't love themselves. There is also that idea that we have been raised in a generation where we default our emotions into false realities and it's considered normal. Sometimes it's hard to describe what causes depression or anxiety or emotional breakdowns and calling it a mid twenties crisis is a little pretentious when people younger than fifteen are suffering with them to.

So if there is anyone out there struggling right now and you need help getting yourself out of a hole and my being honest can help you do the same, then I've done something good.

And please keep in mind, there is nothing unhealthy about fandoms. Nothing unhealthy about fanfiction. However there is a connection when you use it to avoid doing things in real life that you need to do to function as a healthy individual. Your interests and passions are not unhealthy, they are what you live for, but there is unhealthy destructive behaviors that can stem from ignorance about the reality outside your tumblr.

Don't forget to live your own life while living through the lives of others because yours is just as beautiful and can be just as brilliant if your willing to go after what you want.

I'm still me just a stronger and healither me on my way to the rest of my life. If you haven't left me or fallen asleep or still feel like I'm someone you want in your life, you can find me here.

[somewhereanywherethere-blog]

This is where I leave you

Nick Drake, Rain

‘Thoughts of springtime rainfall, touching flowers that bend; thoughts of wind in willows, days that never end…’

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My people believe that in the beginning the Big Booty clapped and its sensual reverberations created the heavens and the earth.

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Instruct your blind date to meet you in the woods then emerge from the foliage riding piggyback on a Sasquatch.

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Sqquuuuueeee! I'm only 10 away from 600 followers :)

Follow and read this amazing fanfic!

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Thinking of creating a second blog, one more personal and about being happy and my other writing. we'll see.

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I just asked my roommate if all fish lay eggs or if they have blowhole vaginas.

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Watching BBC Planet Earth.

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Watching a documentary on presidential photographers and loving it.

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Barbour 1987 Catalogue

Via Archival Clothing

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Are we still on baby Tindall countdown or no?

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the Dowager Duchess of Devonshire

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I was tagged by this cool kitten and her seriously awesome mittens

You can find her ten books here.

Ten books that have moved me.

1. The house on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

2. Stick Figure by Lori Gottlieb

3. Look me in the eye by John Elder Robinson

4. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

5. Dispatches from the Edge by Anderson Cooper

6. The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls

7. The girl in the Italian Bakery by Kenneth Tingle

8. Beautiful boy by David Sheff

9. Notes on a life by Eleanor Coppola

10. The Patchwork quilt by Valerie Flournoy

I tag Jo, Crystal, Hilary Clinton, Cloudy, Dina, Toot Toot, Autumn, Sunny, Tea, and Boots.

[somewhereanywherethere-blog]

I just want potatoes.

Making dad jokes when your friend texts you in Elvish.

[somewhereanywherethere-blog]

Making dad jokes when your friend texts you in Elvish.