sonderabcomm3e

[sonderabcomm3e]

Though I had peace and content, that doesn’t mean that I must not go far away to the place I used to live in.

[sonderabcomm3e]

“I Am You”

Statistics display the rate of dissociative identity disorder as .01% to 1% of the overall populace. Some of them say that they experience it as if they are watching themselves in a movie at times. Will you believe if I tell you that I'm part of that small percentage of people with undiagnosed dissociative identity disorder? Or you'll think that I'm just a typical weirdo in the neighborhood just like what others think? But I'll tell you they are true, and they exist in me. My name is Terry. I'm a scarred highschool student. Kids at my age used to make fun of me because I stutter every time I speak. Is it a bad thing? I can't understand them though. I didn't do anything wrong for them to hate me this much. Today, someone threw my bag into the trash bin when I was away from my seat to buy some snacks in the canteen. That made Sam furious. Sam is my other self. He is a 20 years old teenager with an anger management issue. Weeks ago I was sent to the Guidance Office because he beat someone for accidentally stepping on his foot. That time my classmates were so flustered because I used to be the one who received that kind of treatment from my bullies. At this moment, Sam is taking the spot over me, so he can avenge on my behalf. Honestly, I'm glad that he exists because without him, I'm just a wimpy kid who cannot fight back. I'm so sick of that. But before he punched that guy straight on his face I stopped Sam. Yes, we can coexist at the same time. Amazing, right? I saw how scared that idiot is when I started talking to Sam. I know he thinks I'm crazy, but I have no other choice. I don't want Sam to get into trouble. I know him, he turns into a monster when he's angry, so I decided to cut my class and went home straight before Sam's emotion exploded. There, Loida suddenly appears. She is my third identity. Loida is a full-time housewife, and she always takes good care of me and Sam. You know, I used to be alone in this house. I have no one by my side because my parents passed away in a car accident when I was thirteen. I was lonely but not until my two identities came. I still remember it vividly, when I'm alone walking in a dark alley after a tiring day at school, I heard an unusual noise. Out of my curiosity I tried to find where is that noise coming from, as I come closer and closer to it, the noise becomes more loud and clear. It was a girl desperately crying for help, and around her is a bunch of male students feasting on her body. I was too scared, I was too coward. I ran and left that girl behind, then the next day, I saw her face in a news article. She's dead, she committed suicide that night, after that horrible incident. That's when my other two identities came to life. In the middle of a calm and sunny day a strong wind blows into my life, yet I wasn't so sure if this will give me comfort or will leave me more devastated at the end. But now I'm sure that it's not the latter. I enjoyed their company. Actually no one wants to be my friend, good thing I have the both of them, so I'm feeling less lonely these days. I'm just afraid of one thing. I haven't seen my fourth identity. I just heard things about him from Sam and Loida. According to them, he exists to protect young girls, but he's quite dangerous because he has a tendency to kill. My life is already complicated as it is, I don't think I need more. Bang! I heard the sound of a gun near my place, so I rushed outside to check where the noise was coming from. I saw a man probably in his 30s pointing a gun to a half naked girl trembling in fear. The next thing I knew is that my hands are covered in blood while holding a gun, and in front of me is a lifeless man and a girl crying out of shock. Minutes later I'm still staring blankly out of nowhere when the cops came and arrested me. “It was not me”, I uttered between my tears. But will they actually believe me or they'll just think that I'm crazy? Well, it doesn't matter anymore. Everything is all messed up, but none of these is my fault. If only the world became less cruel to me, I think everything would have

flowed differently. None of these would happen, and no one needs to suffer. “Shall we put an end to this?”, I whispered to the cop next to me in the passenger's seat. I quickly grab his gun and pull the trigger, then jump out of the car. Why would I kill myself if I can just kill them all? Afterall, it is the world who turns me into who I am. Run, run, run, all my life all I do is to run like a coward, but not anymore. From this day forward, I will deliver every sinner to hell. That's how my fourth identity dominates me. My other identities are no longer able to take the spot, all I can do is to watch him as if I'm watching myself in a movie. Under the moonlight when everyone was asleep, he goes around every dark alleys slashing his knife to everyone he saw committing inhumane acts: rape, robbery, murder, all of them. He doesn't miss any. I can feel how satisfied he is while mutilating the bodies of his targets, he even collected some of their belongings as his remembrance. Each day passing by, people's fear of going outside in the middle of the night increases after seeing those mortified bodies purposely left in the street to serve as a warning. The busy street in the morning looks like an abandoned place every night. Though the criminality rate reaches the bottom rock, yet no one dares to go outside. “Is this the world that you want?”, I asked myself hoping that this will be heard by my fourth personality. At once, he let me take over the spot, now we are coexisting in my body. “Oh, my dear Terry, only evil can defeat evil. A sacrifice should be made to end this war, you should be proud of our contribution to achieve this peace. Why are you being like that? Every man has a darkness buried deeply within them, and you are not an exemption. Come on, don't fool yourself. You're not better than me. Did you not enjoy watching me stab those garbages ruthlessly? Did you not enjoy hearing them scream and plead for their lives? Did you not feel like a god even for a moment just like I am? Don't you know that I exist to do what you are too scared to do? No matter how hard you deny me, I am you.” A sound of a gun cut our conversation, the police surrounded me, and now I am cornered. “Let's just surrender!”, I angrily shouted to my fourth personality, but he never listened to me. Instead he reached the cop nearest to him, stole his gun and took him as a hostage. I don't know what to do, he became stronger than me. In fact, he has more control of my own body than I do. While I am still confused on what to do, one of the officers shoots me in my left arm making me lose my hold on the hostage. When they already ensured the safety of the hostage, they shot my left arm once again which made me lose my balance. I fell hard and became unconscious for a few seconds. When I woke up, my fourth personality was no longer with me. I take the opportunity and grab the gun that I fell a while ago. “I'm sorry but I refuse to be a part of your evil scheme; I refuse to be you.”, I uttered before letting the bullet enter my head. I clearly saw the blood dripping down my head, then everything around me turned black. “This must be the end.”, I whispered as my strength slowly left my body. But I was wrong. When I opened my eyes all I could see was a room covered with white paint, a white bed, and a white dress. I shout and shout hoping that someone will hear me, but no one responded to my desperate cry. That moment I was suddenly reminded of the people who died on my own hands. They actually do the same, they desperately plead for their lives, but at the end it was all useless. I never felt even a small amount of sympathy towards them. All I could think about is their sins — I was too busy justifying all the heinous crimes I committed. Is this the price I have to pay for the blood in my hands?

[sonderabcomm3e]

“Things I keep so I Can Remember”

The day started with a strong gust of wind, a cool breeze that rushed underneath the realm of dreams. His body shuddered in protest, startling him up from his sorrow. The tiny carelessly constructed ventilation filled the humid space with bitter damp air. All of the heat from a night and today's long embrace vanished in a matter of seconds. He blinked open his eyes. Uncontrollably, a stream of light exploded into his eyes. He frowned twice. Waking up reminding him of being something, but he couldn't place it. There was even an unbreakable silence that surrounded him. The clanging of the city was unsettling to his blind eyes. The day had yet to take shape. Because once his perceptions converged into practice, he had an epiphany. The morning routine had been completed. On his bunk, he stood up. He was unconcerned about the sagging ceiling or the filthy carpet. The color of the fluorescent lighting told him that there was something wrong. Failure to clean the walls of mangled comments left in engraved black was unimportant. He was a muddled mess. As he lifted his line of vision to the threshold, his groggy thoughts dispersed. Its rusted gold hinges and peeling orange paint reminded him of his daily worries. That is, the variety of nature he committed to satire between day and night throughout his life. He was well aware that it was not a burden to bear. He arose from his mattress with a whisper and a minor effort. He placed on his usual dress, a distressed white tee and sweatpants. Running away from your teenage issues will take a toll on your clothing. There was a palpable sense of dread in the room, as though the door would not really function. John was unconcerned about it at all. The possibilities! He wandered in his thoughts, oblivious to the fine print. He contemplated who he would be on this incomprehensible day. He might be John, the man still trapped inside his shit room on another perpetual winter afternoon, waiting for that one opportunity, or maybe he's John, a man of action dedicated to his internal struggles. He really wanted to please others, but you can't win if the guarantee you want comes from others. For a few minutes, he stood solemnly over his bunk, then composed himself and walked to the entrance.

He stepped into his living room with a firm swing of the door, casually glancing at the normal suspects of interest. He had stickers on his walls and a dirty kitchen that he had made no effort to scrub. The clean door that isolated him from the rest of society stuck out. John was grateful for the fact that his Monday newspaper was waiting for him outside. It was a warm reminder because these were the moments to be grateful for. He put on his scuffed shoes and gazed out the window across from his door at passing traffic. So early in the morning, it was an unusual sight nearby his flat. As he laced his shoes, he gazed serenely at the saccharine skies filled with glowing clouds floating over the sea. That day has just just begun, and that there was no space for wrath. Each hour wore away at the certainty of some odd meaning this morning has. John was unconcerned with the lack of highways or the bare sidewalks. It was a mundane occurrence to walk from his crumbling brick building onto the battered and deceived lane. After he saw the most stunning orange Mustang retreat through the intersections and into the crazy downtown streets that day, there was no one around. In his whole life, he hasn't seen one. The structure was isolated from its environment, and there was little noteworthy or noticeable in the immediate vicinity. The items that fail to suit are also discarded by society. He crossed the street to the "Starlight Place" store. It was John's dawn pilgrimage, the joy of wandering under the clear skies with no pesky eyes deliberating his conundrums on a trip to a spot where he felt at ease. Uncertain as to why he was feeling uneasy, he forged on with no reservations. He couldn't believe that the ambiguously recognizable lethargy could crush this one flickering happy moment for thousands that would not have been the same. John almost walked on by the store's door, but he came to a halt when he saw the neon borders on the huge tinted glass windows. He pulled open the dark door, ostensibly to hide the store's disorderly appearance. Few people may have gone into the unappealing store, but those who did showed no restraint. Containers were smashed and packages were upheaved. The walls were splattered with bright maroon and contrasting green colors. There isn't much leverage in this situation. There was no sense of community here, just delusional sanity throwing itself off the cliff. Only nostalgic thoughts and romantic inclinations of lofts and soft creamy air gripping in any path were permitted in the moonlit shop from dusk to dawn. Only nostalgic thoughts and romantic feelings of lofts and soft creamy air gripping in any way were permitted in the moonlit shop from dusk to dawn. When you have a warm afternoon sun to look forward more to, there isn't much space for anything at all. Standing down a side street with a hideous pile of caps, tops, shoes, sweaters, and glasses tossed vigorously from end to end on one side and delightful apple cider on the other did not seem to bother John in the least, and he thought of how fair it was to quench his hunger with wonderful pineapple juice and put on a thrashed jumper to keep him warm for the rest of the day. It was totally impenetrable to logic. He took a step forward to get a jumper when he saw a mirror on the wall behind him. The square frame had a haunting quality to it. Chills raced down his back as he put on the jumper. He liked the warmth it provided, despite the fact that it was a gnarled piece of cloth. It was a beautiful shade of colour, a rich burgundy that calmed John's tired eyes. It all reminded him of the primal, of a layer of survival he didn't understand. Perhaps it was family, but it was family he didn't recognize. He approached the mirror and examined himself. He had an obscenely sallow, short body. He didn't know or identify with the shape he saw. He didn't sound like his head was shrouded in matted black hair or that his skin was unshaved. His emotions were free of depravity, but the look in his own blue eyes revealed a lost spirit. The more John looked in the mirror, the further away he felt from this place. He couldn't keep track of what he was doing. The reflection no more reflected the ruined shop, but only a black background. A flash of light appeared, illuminating an individual. A light fluorescent hall was unveiled behind the opening. The shapes were hardly discernible, but John locked his gaze on him. Black hair stared back, messy, abrupt, and unforeseen. The man was rabid, a shadow of his former self. 

John cocked his head in the direction of the onlooker. Anything drew his attention. A recollection flashed in his mind, unrelated to the worries he had created for himself for the day. There was a man, a silhouette that was indistinguishable from the previous white noise. Irrelevant events were drawn together through irrational circumstance to form a remote bridge on the shores of his doubt. It wasn't a coincidence that he was having troubling thoughts; there was a real, uncompromising solution to the questions that had brought him here. He could only gape nervously and unsurely at the cathartic release of his life in response to the expression. John's eyes pierced the guy, but he saw right through him at that moment. The synapse was a crescendo that let out a flood of new ideas. He was overwhelmed with unwavering certainty. He blinked twice. He let out a gasp. He seemed to be struggling to keep his breath. It was difficult to think about taking a breath. The rich light faded rapidly behind the figure, and the door quietly closed behind her. There was nothing but night. There was no one in the mirror, and no shop in the vicinity. It was pitch dark, and he was drenched in a dreadful cold sweat. The person's soul raced like he'd run a marathon, but the atmosphere around him made no warm gestures of empathy, no token gratitude for the perplexing situation he'd found himself in. It was already late at night, but if he got up, the tiles would be freezing. No one else would be around, no one else would be able to appreciate the blessing of being awake at this strange hour of the night. The transient sanity drained as he became aware of nobody and nothing, and his feeble and distant feelings became few and far between. It was quiet, and he recalled something. We had his collapse after an adulthood spent under the stars with friends who drank and died. There has been some hazy place, some hazy remembrance, that made him happy. He came alive at the sight of being outdoors. But the idea expired in a split second, and there was no way out. The bed was offensive, and the room was comfortable yet sterile. He drifted into his own thoughts. He had a dream. Throughout the night, he became disoriented. You will have freedom to fulfill your needs. - Rome

[sonderabcomm3e]

“YOU”

After a long stormy day, who would’ve thought that a sunny day would come and so as You in my life. Everyday, I’m thinking that windy days will be good, but there you are smiling at me brighter just like the sun, it feels great as it seems.

One day at work, Callie shooks her head, pinching her nose to fight the urging lazy and sleepy feeling.

“You should be productive self” Callie calmly said to herself.

“Coffee?” Someone offered her out of nowhere.. She felt nervous to the point that her cheeks starting to gets red, she then realized and said to herself.. “I knew this voice” a smile plastered on her face.

Callie lifts her head up and only utter the phrase “Hey! It’s You...”

Callie loves coffee before someone handed it to her that day, but days passed by, it’s not just a coffee. “It’s you that I need every morning, more than coffee more than anyone and everyone else” Callie said then pulls herself up and started the another day.

I enjoy watching You over these big craft messy world, as if you were a rain.. then it’s me willing to then drizzle because it’s you – you my beloved hurricane. And if you could be a sun, I will and still stepped down, that even If I’m trying not to look at you, I just can’t. You were my sun that even without looking and took a glance at you the way other can, I’ll still saw you shining from a far.

You came into my life and effortlessly crushing down the wall I build off, you made everything else feels like a rehearsal. I couldn’t figure out why love was different with you until I realized I hadn’t been inlove with anyone else before.

I’d asked myself, “Do I love you?” Then I close my eyes and still saw how your lips form into a U shape with a half close eyes, prominent cheekbones, tiny pointed nose and a clapping ears – Who else can’t resist You? You were like an expensive portrait, so mesmerizing and too fabolous not to cherish – cherish the chance on free starring. But there I was, never been look nice before and will never be. I’m just an art, an art to make you feel something.. because hey YOU, you’re just so good to be true, who would’ve thought that someday I might get you? You’re an ocean, and here I am slowly drowning, and willing to drown deeper than no one could ever imagine.

I always questioned what love is, but with you, it felt like an answer. You found and brought me out of the darkness, I’m wishing that you won’t put me back there again.

Sometimes it feels weird that my mind never stop thinking at you. You are so dear to me and I deserve your image in my head together with your memories inside my chest.

“Uhh yes, it’s Me” you answered then you look at me straight to the eye. I still hearing that husky voice of yours, it’s feels like a music in my ears, it’s addicting and I couldn’t get enough of it. That day my knees were trembling and felt all the butterflies inside my stomach was celebrating. Oh you.. yes you –my water when I stuck on a dessert, my tylenol I take when my head hurts. I’m longing for your most vital organ, I want it to be mine. Would you give yourself to me now?

You are the last thought in my mind before I drift off to sleep and the first thought when I wake in each morning. My reality is finally better than my dreams now, I knew it and I’m hoping that part of you feels it.

It’s easy to fall inlove with you, like losing myself in the middle of nowhere and then retracing myself back with the help of your love, a love that’s like a compass, that I always knew, I can find you.

I know sometimes I’m a bit apart from You, yet I still smell your hair, imagining the taste of your mouth, the vague feeling that your skin touches mine.. it seems that inside of me were all of You, then I knew, you had become my physical necessity, what a great feeling.

“Callie” you called me, would you call me for the rest of our life?

“Yes?” I answered and smiled sweetly. I can’t stand it, I can’t stare at you this long, I feel nervous. At the back of my head, I asked myself, is this normal?

“I’m sorry to interrupt, uhmm, are you busy?” He asked as if he’s kind of scared for what I will answer.

“Uhh, No. Why?” This is frustrating yet pleasing. I laughed at my own thought. How can I manage talking to you?

“Can you come with me? Uhhh, Coffee? Uhhmm, I mean at the cafe? If you’re just free?” He asked with shuttering voice. Were you feel the same way? Tense as I am right now. I really don’t know, maybe it’s just me who overthinks.

“Sure, Deeuce” I answered with shy voice of mine. Is this really happening? I just called you with your name. How lovely this feeling. I have admired you for a long time, from a far.. then there you are, asking me for a coffee.

I want you to wrote a line about me, as I wrote a line about you. And if that thing will happen, it could never be false, never. Haven’t you see? I’m writing you into existence, and I know you’ll the same, so please be careful with your words.

You’re my sun and I’m willing to be your moon – sometimes I’m half, sometimes I’m whole and sometimes I’m unable to see but I want you to know that I’m still your moon.. promising to never leave you alone. I’ll always be there for you watching, steadfast and will give you light in dark moments. We’re attached together my sun, you’ll let me breath and I’ll make you breathe.

“Did you find your ever after?” I asked out of nowhere while sipping this medium-dark, hot, bitter and expensive coffee of yours. I asked you blankly as if I’m just asking it to the air, and then I realized.. I asked you with my whole voice, you really heard it right? I stiffened in shame.

“Why? Is there somewhere you belong?” You response immediately, asking me too straight to my face while deeply looking into my eyes. Oh God, I didn’t expect this.

“Yes.” I answered slowly while looking at you closely. You blink your eyes twice as your response, are you shocked in disappointment my dear?

“Can you be my somewhere?” I asked you again, but this time with all my courage. This is it, I wait for it for too long. I don’t wanna missed this chance of mine.

I know we’re young and there’s so much life left in us. But I can’t take it, I know for me that you’re the one. This world is a great big place, and I’m not yet done exploring every inch of it, neither you. My dear, can we explore this big craft messy world together?

“Callie..” You called me again with your husky voice, your eyes gets widened while leaving your mouth gasping.

I’ll just look into your eyes deeply, waiting for something that will came out to your mouth.

“Is this really happening? Yes Callie, Yes. I want to be your somewhere. Can you be my someone? Someone where your truly belong.” You answered without hesitation. My heart, I can hear my own heartbeat. I stiffened again, but this time my tears were dripping down. It’s a tears of joy right?

“Yes, Deeuce. Yes” I answered half crying while widely smiling. Finally, I feel like I’m floating in joy, finally. I got you.

The thing I knew is my father was a house, my mother was home, can you be my both? Can you be my shelter?

I know you’re too good for me, but you makes me think all the goods in this world, whenever I look into your eyes, I can see the best version of myself reflected back, so why would I hesitate?

And in this life, if we’re really meant to be, nothing could ever make you leave, and if weren’t, nothing in this world could make you stay.

You were my North, my South, my East, my West, my working week and my Sunday rest. The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking at YOU.. but I will not tell you our love story because like all real love stories – it will die with us, as it should. And if one day that our hair turns into white, skin gets saggy, wrinkles seen on our eyes.. I’ll asked you if you’ll still remember me, and if you remember me then I don’t care if everyone else forgets me.

-L

[sonderabcomm3e]

Tattoo

Loving her was the best decision I made in my life, and the hardest heart break. She is not only my world, she used to be my whole universe the reason of my existence. I am the better version of myself when I’m with her, still she chose to leave me. I don't know where, when, or what I did wrong? For her to conclude that my love, our love is not enough reason to stay.

"Why do you really want to get a tattoo?"

"I don’t know" "Is that tattoo have a meaning?"

"I don’t know"

Aeiou look at me with disbelief, he doesn't really a fun of tattoo as an art. My twin brother and my best friend. Aeiou is the smart one while I am the joker, the shy type while I am the party goer, his so serious in every details of his life while I enjoy everything.

"C'mon Ab-cd mother will never forgive us if you do that"

"No, she will forgive us trust me" I said and give him a smile I really want to get a tattoo after graduation but I didn't expect to have it this summer. I don't know I just feel that I deserve to get a tattoo right now.

When we enter the tattoo shop everyone stops in what they’re doing and start to stare at us like were lost. The place is covered in smoke because most of the customers are smoking and drinking while getting tattoo. Someone approach us, he looks like his in mid thirty his arms are full of amazing tattoo.

"What are you doing here? The computer shop is on the other door." He said that makes everyone laugh a little.

"I want to get a tattoo" I said and stand straight until I hear everyone laughing again and this time they laugh like there is no tomorrow.

"Did I say a joke?" I ask my brother that seriously talking someone on his phone.

"They think that you're just a ridiculous teenager who think that getting an ink is what makes you cool" he said in cold voice.

"Hey kid tattoo is not a joke okay, once I draw it into your skin there is no erasure" he said and start walking.

"I know that's why I want to get a tattoo" I said and follow him. I want something that can never be erased or leave me, I want something permanent in my life that no one can ever get away from me.

"Okay what design do you like?" "I give him the drawing of two circles" and then I sit comfortable on the chair.

"Thank you for your wonderful piece" he said with sarcasm in his voice.

"Hey Ab-cd I need to make a call okay? I'll be right back brother" he walk out before I say something, if I know he is just scared seeing blood. The artist start doing my ink, I am really excited to have this tattoo.

"Do you know what tattoo means? In Tahitian it means to leave a mark, so sometimes it doesn’t really need to be a name or a picture. But what makes you feel at the moment was the important thing." He said before the sessions end. After getting the tattoo Aeiou still uncomfortable while I can’t erased the smile in my face.

“You’re so weird, stop smiling okay you look like an idiot” he said while driving

“Idiot huh, I am happy okay and I can’t stop smiling, do you know what the word tattoo means? I ask him.

“To leave a mark”

“Yeah in Tahitian but in Samoan tattoo means open wound, so to answer your question earlier this tattoo has a meaning it’s a reminder of my open wound”

“A reminder of her” he said and look at me while driving.

“Eyes on the road brother, I am fine no need to worry”

Yeah that’s what I want to be, I want to be okay and accept the fact that she and I will never be together. That everything we build was gone; our future together is not going to happen. We finally arrive at home, the first thing I smell was the smell of my favorite food,  but the first person I look is my mom.

“Mom where home” Aeiou said

“I’m cooking wait for me okay”

I run to the kitchen and hug my mom from the back. She is still the best woman I have the one that know everything about me, even if I didn’t say a word I know that she knows that I am hurting inside that’s why she always cooks my favorite foods.

“I love you mom”

“I love you baby, but please stay away from me I stink because I cook every food you want” she said and start pushing me.

“Unfair, how about me” Aeiou said before kissing mom’s forehead.

“I love you too baby, that’s why I buy you books so go upstairs and check it.”

“You’re the best mom! I love you!” he run upstairs so excited.

“I follow him mom”

“Okay, but five more minutes the dinner is ready okay.”

“Okay”

I walk upstairs and the flashback start to begin our memories flooded in my head that made me cry a little. I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t process everything. I didn’t notice that Aeiou is facing me now.

“You don’t need to pretend that you’re fine Ab-cd we can understand if you become weak or vulnerable, your hurting to much so don’t make us a burden too, talk to us brother anytime you want.

His words are all true I am pretending to be okay but deep inside the pain is too much, to the point that I can’t eat, I can’t do my work without spacing out and I can’t sleep.

“Thank you, brother, but I know I can do it alone.” I start walking again before he says something that make me stop again.

“You don’t need to do it alone, I am here” he said and go to his room.

I open the door and still see her in every sides of it, still vivid in my mind her smile, her throwing all the corny jokes she had, her hugs, her kiss, her genuine love I still felt it. I go to the bed and hug the pillow I can smell her perfume. I get my phone and saw our picture together before the accident happen. If I can only go back to that time, I will not be letting her go. I will stay by her side and support her all the way. If only I can go back time.

“Ab-cd honey dinners ready”

“Coming mom”

I open the door and see that everyone is waiting for me.

“Sorry, I got a call from work” I lied.

“Work huh” Aeiou said in low voice

“It’s okay baby, go take a sit so we can eat together again”

After dinner I go to the balcony with a bucket of beer. I drink bottle after bottle before I notice that Aeiou is staring at me.

“Moms crying after you left, I just want you to know that were all hurting because you are hurting and you didn’t even say a thing.” He said and get a bottle of beer.

“I don’t know where to start bro, everything’s fine everything is so perfect, so why us? Why her and not me? If I just hold her tight even for a little longer maybe she still with me, she’s still alive.” I said continuously and start crying again like a baby.

“Four months and still hurts”

“Like an open wound”

“Yeah like an open wound, you know what she says before I let her go? She said that it’s not hurt because if she died, she died in my arms in the arms of his greatest love. This tattoo is my reward for not go after her even if sometimes I want too, because everything in my life is not enough for me because she is not here.” I finally said something about the accident.

“Do you think she can be happy if you’re like that? Let her go bro, don’t waste your life for someone that will never coming back, she love you until the end of her life but it doesn’t mean that you need to love her for the rest of yours. You are still young and there is so many possibilities in life that can make you feel alive again.”

“I can’t be happy knowing that she is gone because of me” I breakdown and continue crying until I felt a warm hug.”

“It’s okay baby, everything will be fine mommy’s here I will never let you down okay, it’s not your fault that she’s gone, you did everything you can, you did everything baby” she said while hugging me and crying too.

“I don’t know mom, I wish I am strong enough to pull her up that night, maybe she still alive she still with me”

“Don’t do that to yourself baby I know Joy can understand what happen, your both hurt because of the accident you are in pain and still you hold her hand until she decided to let go, for you to survive and make a call for help.”

“I wish I hold her hand a little longer mom I can’t handle the pain anymore”

“Let us help you, help yourself, because we are always here but for you to be okay but baby you need to own it.”

After that day I decided to live my life again, not just for myself but for the people that giving me a chance to be better again, I owe my life to Joy because she sacrifices her own life for me. But everything happen after the accident I can say that I survive because I own it, I face my reality that she will never coming back, I embrace the fact that it will always hurt like open wound.

-       Jam

[sonderabcomm3e]

“The One That Will Never Be Mine”

They said if you saw the right woman for you everything was slow motion. Some says you will see the future, but for me the moment I realize I love you everything stop except me and you.

“Hey you! stop smiling like an idiot you’re scaring me love.” She said while looking at me like the only man she fell in love with. Who will not fall in love into this woman? Her dimples are so cute, her jawlines are perfect, her brown eyes are full of emotions.

“Sorry I just realize how lucky I am to be with you” I said, still wearing the best smile I can.

“You know what I don’t know if it’s sweet or it’s you that making your words lovable.” Allison said, while giving me a bottle of beer.

I feel it, and I know it I just can’t accept that we were never going to make it till the end. I keep on fighting the battle I can't win; I keep on searching the words that fade away to be someone you want to stay. I said to myself looking at the person I least expect to leave me.

“Your doing it again Scott, your staring at me like I’m going somewhere far away from you.” She said after drinking into the bottle of beer like a water. Even her smallest actions make her perfect. That lips sipping to the bottle of beer still gives butterflies into my stomach.

“Can I tell you what I want to say on our wedding day?” I said while looking at the beauty of Agbalala Falls and embracing the cold breeze giving my body shivers.

“Why do you want to say your wedding vows now? Is something wrong? Don’t you want to marry me anymore?” She said like it is me who don’t want to get married. Who will not want to get married to the person you build your entire future? To the person you expect to be with you in every morning making you the best cup of coffee, a decent lunch and dinner with more alcoholic beverages than foods on the table?

“No, I just want tell you my vows while there is no person to judge us” I said it like I didn’t have a plan on leaving her. I don’t want too, but it is what best for the both of us, I do love her but she deserves the love she always gives to someone but I am not that person not anymore.

“Okay”

“Loving you is like a one-way road, there's no need for U turn. Because I have no intentions of turning back.” I still have a vivid memory of how I met her, her graceful voice that giving everyone a good night at the bar. Its astonishing how she can manage to sing a song while strumming her ukulele and looks gorgeous at same time perfect.

“Sometimes it looks like a rail road Driving so fast with so many Stops, but only one direction.” Our beginning is so fast I didn’t even notice that we begin our middle part of the story. All I know is I started to memorize every little thing about her. The smell of her favorite perfume, like a vanilla with a hidden scent of cherry blossoms, her hair and body that smells like strawberries. I even know how many moles she had in her whole body.

“Having you in my life is road trip I will not be ready to go to the Final destination” therefor I didn’t see it coming me leaving her or her leaving me. I look at her and hold her hand.

“You love me when nothing is sure, you hold me when everything feels wrong, your love is so pure, you are where I belong.” She started crying, those tears making it impossible for me to leave.

“We kiss, we talk, we fight, we fuck up sometimes but the important thing is we do it together.” I drink again then look at her still crying, I really want to hug her to ease her pain to take away all the problems she has. She holds my hand and for the last time I let her.

“I remember you saying that you are nothing, but for me you are the definition of my everything” My heart hurts like its tearing into pieces that it will never be heal again. I start crying too even if I don’t want her to see me weak. The pain I can’t stop it, I press her hand, I don’t want to let it go but I can’t, I need to do it because it’s the right thing to do.

I saw her wedding ring; I stare at it before touching it. “I always wanted to be someone that put a ring into your hand, there is no days even a second that I never hope and wish to be me your marrying and not my best friend.”

I stand up and look at her still crying. God knows how much I love her genuine smile. It clears every worry I have. Her hugs make me warm; her existence keep me away from harm a little did I know she is the harm I can’t get over with. I smile at her before walking away and never look back. - Jam

[sonderabcomm3e]

“The Voices Inside Me”

The darkness enveloped the whole room, the voices kept whispering unknown language, but no one could hear it aside from me. They've been my companion ever since; I am them, they are me. I remember there was a day when the voices inside me told me to push a child crossing by the street. That day the voices took over my senses. I can't do anything in my own accord. It was like my body had betrayed me. That day is the day the voices become a part of me — I am their home so as I. The next day after that, they told me to kill a dog in our neighborhood. I was shaking just by the thought of it. Never in my entire life I imagine myself killing an innocent animal, but I do it anyway. No, that's not me, it's the voices inside me. Actually I am so confused, did I do it? Did the voices do it? Or should I say that the voices just gave me the courage to do the things residing in my subconscious mind, but it was really me who did those things. Honestly it was quite fun. I would lie if I say I didn't had a blast. Today, here I am, in front of my sister's room holding my favorite knife my mother brought home when I was eighteen. This is Mom's favorite among the knives in our kitchen, this is also the same knife my mother used to stab Dad when she caught her with another woman in the master's bedroom. That scene keeps playing on my head even in an ordinary day when the sun is at its brightest, when the wind blows in my window pane. This knife indeed had a lot of stories and I wouldn't mind adding more to it. Oh, I got lost in my thoughts, where am I again? Right, I am in front of my sister's room. Well, I just want to play with her. She loves playing hide-and-seek when we are young, so I thought she would love it if I ask her to play. But her face turned pale when she saw me in front of the door, it's quite annoying. Should I just suck some blood on her body and put it on her lips? I don't like her looking sick. Will that be too much? Mom would definitely be angry if she sees her at this moment, so I decided to do what the voices told me to do. I cut her wrist and the blood oozed, what a sight! I put some to her lips and then there she is, she looks stunning with those red lips. But she was too shocked and lost her consciousness. I bet she got tired, so I let her sleep in my lap, caressing her hair gently so that I would never wake her up. I stare at every detail in her face, my sister has changed a lot. Probably it started after we lost Dad. It's like her soul departed her body and the agony feeds that empty shell. Her garden had withered away that even the ray of sunshine couldn't make it any better. She always looks like a woman on her deathbed that is too tired to blink. But today is different, she looks at peace. She reminds me of my Mom's innocent look in her sleep. I miss Mom a lot, although I always see her in their bedroom quietly hanging in the ceiling. I even saw her in my dreams when my eyes were shut but the voices inside me were not. This weight is too much to bear, I just want to rest forever in a burning pit with worms that never die. In the count of three I plunge my favorite knife in my chest. I saw the blood flowing, my white shirt turned red and it was so satisfying. And in the last minute of my life, all the happy memories suddenly flashback. I can't believe there was a time when I was actually so in love with life. In the last minute of my life, I no longer hear the voices inside me — they're finally gone. Alas! This is me atoning for my sins, promise I will gladly rot in hell.

Photo by: Rome

— Angela

[sonderabcomm3e]

Untitled

“Untitled”

There's a story, but I can't share it because I'm at a loss for words. The story is almost forgotten, but I recall it now and then. The story revolves around three men who live in a house on a lane. I'd sing the story if I could speak the words. I'd whisper it into the ears of women, particularly mothers. I'd sprint down the streets chanting that to myself. My tongue will be pulled free, rattling against my teeth. One is youthful and dashing. He never stops smiling. There is another man with a long white beard. He is overwhelmed by doubt, but every now and then his doubt disappears and he falls asleep. There is a third guy with evil eyes who walks nervously about the room rubbing his palms together. The three men are waiting & hoping. Upstairs in the tower, a woman stands with her back to a wall, in half-light by a curtain. That is the basis of my story, and it contains everything I will ever remember. A fourth man, a white silent man, came to the door, I recall. All was as still as the nighttime sea. His foot made no impact on the stone floor of the space where the three men were.The guy with the evil eyes turned into a molten pool, running back and forth like a caged beast. The old grey man's nervousness had infected him, and he kept pulling at his beard. The white one, the fourth man, went upstairs to the lady. She was standing there, waiting. How quiet the house was compared to how noisy all the clocks in the neighborhood ticked. The lady upstairs yearned for love. That had to be the story. 

She yearned for love for every element of her being. She desired to produce out of passion. 

She jumped forward as the white silent man entered her presence. 

Her lips were partially parted. Her lips were bent in a grin.

The white one was silent. There was no rebuke, no doubt in his eyes. 

His eyes were as cold as stars. 

Downstairs, the evil one whined and dashed back and forth like a lost starving puppy. The grey one attempted to chase him around but eventually gave up and fell asleep on the floor. He never regained consciousness.

The dandified gentleman was still on the floor. He smiled and twirled his tiny black mustache. 

I'm at a loss for words to describe what happened in my novel. I can't tell you the story. 

Death may have been the white quiet one. 

Life should have been the eagerly awaited lady. 

I'm perplexed by both the old grey-bearded one and the wicked one. I believe and

think but are unable to comprehend them Much of the time, though, I am not aware of them. I can't stop thinking about the dapper gentleman who smiled the whole time I was telling him my story. 

If I could only understand him, I'd be able to understand anything. I might run around the globe sharing amazing stories. I'd no doubt be a moron. 

Why wasn't I given words? Why am I so stupid?

I have a fantastic story to share but have no idea how to tell it.

-Rome

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