sonlagrasrees

[sonlagrasrees]

No love to seek, no one to seek it from. 

High, empty ceilings. Square and cold. Ginagapang ng langitngit ng mga kalawanging electric fan ang buong seldang ito. Sumasabay sa chorus nito ang hilik ng mga kasama kong nahimbing nang anino’t kaluluwang umiiling-iling lamang kanina.

Maalinsangan ang nanlalamig kong pag-iisa dito sa selda naming ang tanging silbi ay ang maging dormitoryo ng aming mga pagdurusa. Lunes na naman at walang pasok. Walang maka-usap kundi ang apat na sulok ng parisukat kong bintana. Wala pang pasok kaya’t heto ako sa kama, nakatanga at nag-aabang ng tawag at kaway na susulpot sana’y sa bintana. Mula sa iyo, mula kanino.

Tanghali na kaya’t ang bukangliwayway ay tuluyan nang nanlisik at nagpasyang ang mukha ko’y dampian ng mainit nitong yakap. Maaliwalas man, ang araw ay madilim pa rin gawa nang kawalan ng plano at lakad. Saan ba ko nagkulang? Sa pakikisama? Sa pakikisalamuha? Hindi ako para manghula. Ginawa ko naman ang lahat: ngumiti, nagtanong, yumakap, at humalik. Tila yata ang tadhana na ang bumunot ng aking kasasadlakan. Walang katapusang pag-iisa.

I closed my eyes as I ironically tried to find light.  Napa-isip ako. “Ano na ba ang nangyari sa dating ako? ‘Yung maligalig? ‘Yung bibo?  Noong ako’y isa pang matayog na punong hitik sa bunga.” Marahil ay pinigtas na ng kalikasan ang mga bunga at ang mga ito’y nagpatianod na sa kaniya-kaniya nilang agos. Nasaan na kaya iyon? Kung sana’y hindi ako punong nanunoot ang ugat sa tinubuang lupa, malamang ay katulad na ako ng mga dati kong prutas at nagpatianod na rin sa agos ng buhay. Pinikit ko nang mas mahigpit ang mga mata ko. Sana’y mag milagro ako at pagmulat ko’y nadala ko ang dati sa kasalukuyan. Pero wala. Wala akong kapangyarihan para makapag-imbento ng bagong realidad. Wala akong mahika para bigla-biglang baguhin ang sitwasyon. I’m not a magician after all. I’m not one to be in the shoes of God. Or whoever’s in charge.

Kung hindi sa pagkukulang, malamang sa sobra. Saan ba ako sumobra? Sa takot? Sa kaba? Sa hiya? Hindi na rin para hulaan pa. Mahirap hulaan. Walang feedback form na sinagutan ang sinumang nakasalamuha ko.

Kung gayon, ano na? Habang panahon na lang ba ako ng tatanga? Hindi na sana para ito’y mangyari pa. Masyadong malungkot. Masyadong madilim. Kalikasan ang nagtakda na ang paligid ay magiging maliwanag. Salamat at maliwanag na. Pero kasabay ng liwanag ang katotohanang napakahirap taluntunin ng daan palabas sa selda ito. Kahit pa inilawan na ang daan. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, ang sabi. Pero must I really go through the tunnel, alone? Saan ba ako hahanap ng puwedeng kasama’t kasabay. Hindi na para hulaan pa dahil hindi naman dapat hulaan ang isasama at sasama. Paano kung may masamang balak pala siya? Paano kung bigla niya akong iwanan sa gitna ng tunnel? Paano kung bigla niyang harangan at takpan ang siwang na nagdadamot sa amin ng ilaw? Paano? Paano?

Nakakainggit din. Paano kaya ginugugol ng ibang kaluluwa ang araw nila. Puno ang schedule, makapal ang diary. Mas masaya sana kung ganoon. Mabuti na ang pagod na katawan kaysa sugatang kaluluwa. Ang pagod ng kasukasuan, puwedeng itulog at ipahinga, pero ang sugat ng diwa, kahit dasal, suntok sa buwan pa  ang pagpapaginhawa. Nakakaiinggit pero ayaw ko ring maging huwad. Ano pang halaga ng paghahanap ng makakasama kung ang sarili ko’y iiwanan ko sa loob nang nag-iisa? Mabuti nang mag-isa kaysa huwad na nakikisama sa mga anino’t kaluluwang mababaw na halakhak  lang ang maiibida. Gayon pa man, hinahanap ko pa rin ang palabas sa madilim na sulok na ito. Iyon marahil ang ningas ng inggit na nararamdaman ko. Sa kagustuhan kong makapiling ang saya, sa hirap nitong makamit ngayo’y inggit ang binubunga.

Nakakapagod nang umasa. Nakakawalang gana pang kumilos at magnasa. Dahil sa pagbababad sa pag-iisa, natatanaw ko nang mas matagal ang mundo mula sa bintana kong parisukat. Tinitignan ko, napakagulo’t napakaingay. Paulit-ulit. Araw-araw. Ang bawat tauhan ay walang pinagkatandaan. Ang bawat eksena’y walang mabuting kinahihinatnan. Masarap sana kung may mapagbubuhusan ako nang galit at ngitngit. Pero sa katotohanang wala, pinipili ko munang pangibabawan ng pagod at hindi na pagkabahala. No love to seek, no one to seek it from.

[sonlagrasrees]

thinking of my best friend today

[sonlagrasrees]

nicko heartbreaker (still cute tho)

#highschool

[sonlagrasrees]

Mama and Papa

I hope this message finds you both well. I want to take this opportunity to express some thoughts and feelings that have been weighing on my heart for quite some time. Please understand that what I'm about to say comes from a place of deep reflection and not from a place of hatred towards either of you.

I want to start by acknowledging that I don't hate you, nor do I hold any ill will towards you. However, it is important for me to be honest about my emotions and the struggles I have faced growing up. I find it challenging to be grateful for the life you have given me because it has often been filled with regret and hurt. It pains me to say this, but I have often wished that I was born into a different family, one where the lines of communication were more open, and hurtful words were not a part of our interactions.

I hope you understand that my longing for a different family dynamic is not a reflection of your worth as parents, but rather a yearning for an environment where parents and children can express themselves openly and honestly without resorting to yelling or saying hurtful things. It is difficult for me to comprehend why this dynamic exists in our family, and it has left me feeling unheard and neglected at times.

I want to emphasize that my struggle is not rooted in a sense of entitlement or a desire for perfection. Rather, it is about feeling that I am consistently nitpicked and criticized, while my imperfections are magnified, all while my siblings' flaws go unnoticed or unaddressed. This discrepancy has caused me to question my place in our family and has made it challenging for me to feel seen and valued.

Please understand that these emotions are not meant to cast blame or make you feel guilty. I believe that all parents do their best with the tools they have, and I know you love me in your own way. However, it is crucial for me to express my truth and the impact our family dynamic has had on me.

Moving forward, I would like to work towards fostering a more open and supportive environment for our family. I yearn for a place where we can engage in constructive conversations, express our emotions without fear of judgment or retribution, and build stronger connections with one another. I believe that by acknowledging our individual shortcomings and actively working on them together, we can create a more nurturing and loving family dynamic.

I hope you can hear my words with an open heart and an understanding that they come from a place of genuine longing for a better relationship with you. I don't want to hold onto resentment or anger; rather, I want to move towards healing and building a stronger bond as a family.

Eboy

[sonlagrasrees]

FUCK I NEED A MAN

Pleaaaaseee i just know all my problems and headaches will disappear if I have boyfriend! i need a dick to suck in the morning and hand to hold when walking down the streets T___T. I need someone I can share my thoughts with. I need someone who WILL show affection and care to my feelings. PLEASEEEEE

[sonlagrasrees]

I hate being gay and i will slit your throat kapag sinabi mong pinili ko maging bading

I just know, I just fucking know society and its HIStory have something to do with how gays operate in this cruel world. Ampait sa puso sa tuwing makakakita ako ng isang matipuno, gwapo, matalino, at matangkad na lalaki (straight man o queer) dahil madalas may may gugulong na notion sa aking isipan na sana ay ako nalang sila o hindi kaya ay sana mabaliw sila sa akin. Kabaliwang dala ng sana ay sa habag ng diyos, sila rin ay umiibig sa akin. Thanks to religiosity and patriarchy, generations after generations have been raised to believe that society must concede to strong men who will save and protect them from the consequences of their very actions. Although I am thankful that my upbringing was widely influenced by the women around me, it still irks me that I am fixate over every boy I find attractive. Is it because of the teenage hormones, my environment, or the media I consume? Ang hirap ipaliwanag pero nakakapanlumo na minsan ay bumababa ang tingin ko sa sarili ko dahil sa mga nakikita at nararamdaman ko. Nakakalungkot na walang matibay na pundasyon ang lipunan at mga institusyon nito para palakasin ang kumpyansa ng mga bading sa sarili nila.  POTANGAMA PINAGSASABI KO DAMI KO LANG CRUSH E Ang kailangan ko lang seguro ngayon ay magfocus sa pag-aaral ko at pag-manifest at pagdarasal na papasukin ako ng University of the Philippines Diliman sa kolehiyo nila!

[sonlagrasrees]

If someone asks me what’s in my bucket list for 2023, I’d answer

Be happier

Eat healthier foods

Develop better relationships with my sisters and parents

Meet online friends

Graduate senior high school (with not just one medal lol)

Drink with my friends or classmates

Have more fun adventures with my friends or classmates

Become more competitive and creative

Write more

Travel more

Take more pictures

Pass the UPCA and become an Iskolar ng Bayan Student in UP Diliman

Exercise/Work out

Have a boyfriend lol

Have more sex haha

Drive a car (from Naga to Tinambac or vice versa preferably)

Go the carnival with my loved ones

Learn how to ride a bike

Learn how to swim

Learn French or Spanish

Become more diligent

Have an iPhone lol

Have savings

Have more late night activities in Ateneo (and UP, claiming it!!!)

Star gaze with my loved ones

Cross dress

Grow longer hair

Grow taller hahaha

Read more books

Confess to my high school crush

Fairer/clearer skin

Healthier hair

Color my hair

Make my outfit (sewing yarn?)

Take a humanities college course in UP

Not worry about my grades

[sonlagrasrees]

bye 2022, hellow 2023

[writing this at 3 am while my cat pisses on the bathroom rug]

2022 has been perhaps the most eventful year of my life!

First on my list of the things I want to look back at this year would be my experience during the elections. Despite me not being old enough to cast a vote, I was still able to share many fond memories with my family, friends, and fellow Filipinos as we rallied and cheered behind Leni Robredo, the one woman we thought would bring light and hope to our nation. It was such an exhilarating journey from each of her campaign rallies and visits but it was an even more meaningful and intimate moment whenever I was physically present at her rallies or when I am watching her on television. The hope and wisdom that she ignited in me, which I am sure also lit the hearts of many, will forever be embedded in my heart. Her defeat in the elections ultimately was not a hinder to that hope to die. 

The second would be the return of in-person classes. In all honesty, I did miss being around my peers. I liked hanging out with my new classmates. I enjoyed doing schoolwork with them at school. I most especially loved the intimate moments I had with them whenever we gossiped and joke about the most mundane topics. I was fortunate to have been granted the opportunity to meet my classmates personally last year back when things were still held just online. Some of them always had amazing stories to tell and the stamina to share the funnest memory with me. I’m also grateful for all the teachers I had this year. From my school paper adviser to my biology professor, they’re all so wonderful and talented. It's a shame that this is going to be my last year in high school because I definitely shined the most this year, in comparison to all my years in school. This year, I was able to cultivate my talents in writing as well as be more comfortable with the clothes I want to wear and my overall personality as a person. 

However, there were instances this year when I wished I had been more critical of my decisions. Like when I was lost and decided to act on temptations. I can’t excuse myself from those experiences but I guess it's enough that I’m not proud of them either way. I guess I lost focus and wasn’t brave enough to seek help from the people I know who love and care for me. Another, cowardliness also creeped into me every time I felt vulnerable to people. I hate being or feeling vulnerable. I usually feel weak when I’m with people I love-or know where my soft part is. I wish I had confronted them about it. I wish I had confessed to them how I really felt.

For 2023

I have a list of people who I wish I could know more about and perhaps in the near future, be friends with.  I’m not entirely delighted with how I met these people but my curiosity pushes me to think about them over and over again. To be a little more specific, there’s one person who was really a year-ender. Our connections were murky so let him go easily. But in all honesty, I really felt there was something going on. But I guess I’m wrong and put my hopes a little to high. 

This year is my final year in high school. I lost my chances of getting academic distinctions in the previous semester and in the coming months; I want to overcome my disappointment over that. I want the next six months to contain the best moments of my high school life, as I will soon leave it. I don’t think I want to worry about my grades anymore; anyway I won’t be getting an award due to them. I just want to enjoy these next few months and create the best memories with my friends. 

[sonlagrasrees]

yuck yuck yuck

Revealing to a person that you like them, for me, is one of the most embarrassing things you can do. Next to it is having feelings for someone who you know will unlikely reciprocate your energy. (My writing, my vocabulary is so…tacky I wish I was better) anyway…I'm just confused and angry (at myself and him). I wish I never developed deeper emotions for him. I know it's normal, it's natural- to like someone, but I just can’t help but feel frustrated because of all the people around me, why did I fall for the person literally living a hundred kilometers away from me.  That’s aside from the fact that he’s a better human being than me. Well, I hope so because I am miserable. He’s also two years older than me. And he’s in college! In UP! It’s pathetic actually that I’m deceiving myself into thinking that I can pass the entrance exam for that university and hahaha be with him. It is pathetic. But I guess I also really want to study there, so… Anyway, I just miss him :( Hahaha although I and him have actually never met in person, I miss talking to him and reporting to him my daily adventures. I really wish I’d get to see him soon. I mean, if things don’t go as I planned them, I only have myself to blame since he never really promised me anything. But I know, I hope he also wants to meet me or be with me. Hahaha ew. But If not, that action of his would be a statement that will order me to be better and literally improve myself because as I’ve said, my life right now is miserable, and having him in it, I just realized, wouldn't make things easier for me.

[sonlagrasrees]

FUCK FUCK FUCK

You know in life when you gotta actually do things? Like, DO do things. You know, plan for college and what you wanna do after that.

I've been meaning to write this stuff for some nights now because I will be terribly FUCKED UP if I don't figure myself out soon.

A friend has been bugging me about her college plans and I envy her for that because why does she have to get it all figured out right away WHILE I'm still here married to my phone, rotting on my bed. Slacking all summer isn't really the best thing to do for a teenager like me, I guess. Maybe I should have worked out, perhaps tried to develop my body so I'd be more muscular or whatever. Or maybe I should have reviewed for incoming college entrance exams and looked for options. I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING ACTUALLY PRODUCTIVE. That bullshit "you don't have to be productive---" Facebook quotes really fucked my soul. I don't know man, I guess I let everything slip because I'm too stubborn to plan for my future. Why? Because the future terrifies me. Anyway, I think I'm just angry at everything right now because I really have no idea what I want. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!! It's ironic actually because I hate my current situation. I hate living in this town, in this house, with these people. I NEED to get away from them. I need to pass the UPCAT (I heard there's a high possibility of UP conducting entrance exams again this year) because I desperately want to be AWAY.

Oh my god, okay, I think I just canceled whatever I said in the first sentences of this essay. I know what I want! I want to leave this place. I want to study at UP. I know, I know. It's ambitious. I mean for someone who barely remembers his science lessons and is horrible with numbers, my chances of flunking the CETs are as big as the sun. So maybe I should check some materials online. Maybe I should stop being so lazy and stubborn and get my shit together or I'll end up being a random, weird, and creepy dude who spends his day on his bed scrolling and saying shitty stuff on Twitter.

So the goal is to get to UP. That's not so hard, I just have to review the basic foundations of science, math, and grammar. SHIT.

Now the scenario still looks bleak because I don't know what college degree I should take, given that I don't have a thing. You know, A THING. Some people are really good at debating, some are terrific writers and readers, and some have really good hands in drawing, painting, and all that artsy stuff. Me? A jack of all trades is a master of none. I swear my English teacher once uttered that in one of her classes but I don't have the energy to search which dead poet said that or whoever she told us said that quote. It's also an incomplete quote that I'm sure I'm using outside its supposed context. My point is that I'm not so confident with my writing skills or art styles. I don't think pursuing a passion that is based on them is worth the risk. Discovering what you like is really difficult since the risk of that shit not liking you back is a deal-breaker. But I guess I will just have to work with what I have-LOVE FOR HUMANITIES. Sure, I'm not a bookworm or some feminist who's in love with Jane Austen, but I do enjoy reading ( just not for a long period of time). I also like to write and discover information about current events and history. And that's a big BIG thing-if ever I decide to be a journalist or a teacher or something related- since I am not a risk-taker. AT ALL. Why the fuck would you eat a random berry when you're stuck on an island? That shit could literally be poison, go fetch some coconut! See! that's how I think, I'd rather be hungry and feed on ants than die from my own ignorance. I NEED TO KNOW THINGS!!!------ SHIT WHERE IS THIS GOING????

aLL IM TRYNA SAY IS. I. NEED. HELP. and I know no one's ever gonna read this except myself (or if I send this to my crush who I think I am obsessed with so I better not send it to them because that will just release me into my insanity and eventually break my heart because they don't like me back for some reason that they refuse to disclose to me because they basically ghosted me and I stopped messaging them because when people don't text you back that usually means they're not into you so you gotta back off and I'm really really super frustrated at how my life is going right now so I don't need myself adding more fuel to the flame or smoke or something aaaaaa). SO THE BEST PERSON SO TURN TO is not some weird sky daddy BUT MYSELF. I need to pull my shit together and focus on my goal number 1-GET INTO the UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES ( I do not want to discuss to myself why I want to study at that specific university or campus). I need to study for college entrance tests and fuck-take care of my skin and body more.

Man, I really wish I was more motivated and inspired and in love.

[sonlagrasrees]

I DO NOT WANT THIS

It is said that there are five stages of grief, namely;  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I like to make myself believe that I have gone through all these stages and that I have finally accepted the reality of the election results. But no, I am still in shock, frustrated, dismayed, and in the atmosphere of a demoralized faith. I do not want my vice president to be a duterte. And I certainly do not want and need my president to be a marcos.  But sadness lies in these two previous sentences. It came to mind that these two persons are not just my leaders, but are also those of the thirty million people. 

For the past seventy-two hours, patriotism seems to be challenging to come by. Loving this country and most of its people is an exhausting task that will really demand a great care for others. But I have no words for this historical shamefulness. All the people tortured, killed, raped, and incarcerated during the first marcos regime have spit on their graves. All the innocent children and men that fell victims to rodrigo’s drug war have once again been shot in their heads. All people who crave good governance are losing their light in this dark alley of our history. I am disgusted with this reality. Making myself accept this disgusting reality is like putting my entire left hand in my mouth to force it to vomit. I genuinely want to love this country but I do not know-how.

I am lost. What do I do when evil people triumph over those that persevere goodness? How do I manage my principles and values when those that have none get things done anyway? Where do I position my privilege in this polarization between the elite, smart, and pink people versus the thirty million people? Why do I need to continue my education when the presumptive president never even finished his? When will I move on from the death of Leni’s inspiring crusade to Malacanang? How do I also come to terms that these thirty million people have dragged me along with them to suffer a marcos presidency? I am assessing how the truth even matters to me now that I have witnessed firsthand how disinformation can literally erase history. I am assessing the true meaning of perseverance. I am assessing the dynamics of how games are supposed to be played. I am assessing God.

Apathy is looking like a viable solution to civic anxiety. Maybe losing empathy with people will work. Maybe if I turn my back on all that's happening outside my bubble will save me the trouble of feeling any indignation. But where is the magnanimity in there? We lost the game. Accepting, according to Leni, is the first step in making our love for the Philippines flourish into something more radical. Acceptance after all the denial of the disgusting truth, acceptance after all the rage that flamed in our hearts due to the massive electoral fraud, acceptance after all the “what-ifs” and “we should’ve”, acceptance after the painful and demoralizing defeat–acceptance is the first step in moving forward with our radical love. A difficult step but an even more difficult path that is sure to be laced with thorns.

[sonlagrasrees]

putangina habo ko na

I feel like for the past months, I have been abusing my body to a point where I'm starting to feel numb about all of what is happening. I feel sad that because of the pandemic, I discovered hobbies that aren't too good for me. I just get mad at myself for doing stuff I know is damaging. I'm angry how I can't stop myself from doing these stuff and I want to stop but I don't know how. I'm also angry when I approach people and some of them answer that I pray to God. How the hell am I going to get fixed by just praying to an imaginary being? I feel helpless and scared as I think of the consequences of these actions. They may take a toll on my mental status soon.

My mind is also clouded as to what I really feel about the person I like. It scares me how disconnected we are despite me numerous attempts of reaching out to him. Although I met him somewhere discreet and an uncalled place, I felt something I have not felt before for him. However, below all these, I tell myself how maybe I'm just emotionally deprived and I miss getting attention or comfort from my friends. I'm confused whether I leave him alone as he seems very uninterested in me.

I'm also not to happy about my performance in school. I have been slacking since the start of the second term. As I said, I have been doing stuff that aren't too good for me and I want to stop but I don't know how. I want to get back on my usual pace in studying. I want to excel and have high grades this sem but I always feel tired and unmotivated. I really wish someone would just help and listen to me unconditionally. I feel like I procrastinate too much and feel sad and and angry about my current situation without actually doing anything to aid it.

I have also been spending a little too much time on the internet. Specifically, I focus on the partisan politics that stretches the upcoming national elections. I see a very competent and honest woman deserving that one seat but the atmosphere portays that most people prefer the one that tells comforting lies. I'm just scared how people are so disoriented of how awful their choices are and aren't thinking critically enough to realize that there is a better choice to make! It disappoints me that I feel so right yet people's perception of what is right isn't right! I'm screaming because I think I'm right and I am biased.

[sonlagrasrees]

go bhe

im genuinely worried about how bleak my future is, at least for now. i mean, i met a guy a few months ago online and he seemed to be a nice person. hes actually a very ideal one. he studies in one of the top universities in the country, he dances, hes academically centered, he works out, and thats it. we used to talk endlessly for nights, but i dont know, he got a little too busy with his first year in college and maybe forgot about me. i guess i kept bugging him thats why he lost interest in me. but the reason i continued to message him and befriend him was of course, first, he was cute, and second, well i dont know actually. i guess i was just emotionally deprived of comfort.

last saturday, i finally said goodbye to him. i just thought that i was too fond of him and it got to the point where the idea of him plagued me every now and then. i dont want him to think that. i dont want him to think that im "obsessed" with him. the last thing i want to do is to upset him. anyway, i messaged him and said that i expected something from him, something adjacent to my feelings. i apologized of course. i said my goodbye to him so further feelings can be prevented and none of us, or i, wont be hurt or heartbroken afterward.

he just said that he doesnt know what response he should give. i understand him, ironically. because, well, although i was already deeply infatuated with him, im still aware of my puny chances. and even if i already said my goodbye to him and promised myself to not talk to him anymore and try to forget him, i still hope that in the future i see him in person and enjoy or be in his presence.

speaking of the future, i made it clear in my mind that i want to enter up for college. the same university HE attends to. but, until now, i still dont know what course to take, shet. tomorrows going to be the final exams for the first semester this sy. i hope i ace the tests. i hope i can finally sleep early and review lols, with the thought of HIM intervening of course.

[sonlagrasrees]

Just my 1 AM thoughts

Around 7 months from now, the Philippines will be having a national election wherein the president and the vice president, along with most of the government’s officials will be replaced. A new set of leaders will be elected to lead our nation for the next six years. As someone who is a few months late to be eligible to vote, the 2022 elections are something that makes me hate thinking of the future.

As of now, despite being bombarded with mountainous workloads, I still manage to allot some of my time in scrolling Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok feeds to watch and see trending topics. I normally come around memes and news about the upcoming elections. To be honest, seeing posts about the Marco/ses that tell about that family's "greatness" makes my stomach churn. But what's even scarier is the number of people, although online, that believe in their family's disgusting lies. The fact that these posts spew lies that came from BB/m's dirty mouth makes me fear for myself and my fellow Filipinos. Liars they are, the Marco/ses and anyone that publicly supports them spread fake news that attracts millions of online users for historical facts to be distorted and revised. BB/m ( this is a public post and I don’t want to mention any member of that family because I have zero respect for them), the only son of dictator parents Imel/da and Mar/cos sr., Is eyeing for the presidency. I don't know where he gets the guts to even face the public after his family had raped the whole Philippines. He outright lies to the people and disregards factual data and pieces of evidence that rightfully discredit him and his family. He's lucky they weren't executed during the 1986 revolution. But you know who's not lucky? Me.

I have to sit here writing this and worrying about an election I cannot participate in. That is sickening. I rant about that evil family and I have tons of schoolwork assigned. I hate this setup. And I blame, yes I passionately think the hell that this nation is in right now is because of d30 and all of his trapos. I swear, that man can make the agnostic return to the Lord. He, no, IT, is the main reason I spent the last year of my junior high away from my friends, why thousands of Filipinos are killed in the failed drug war, why many more thousand Filipinos lost their jobs during the pandemic, etc because it single-handedly destroyed the Philippines. I sincerely hope that it crosses paths with prison next year.

Enough politics, I wanna talk about school. As you've noticed, I am stressed. I'm currently writing this at 2 AM on a couch in the living room where I plan to retire this night. Anyway, out of the three plans I had written on my planner, I manage to fulfill only one. Why the heck am I so bad at managing my time??? I swear, I get distracted by the littlest things I see, whether on my phone or in the real world. I’m such a procrastinator, shit! I don't want to dwell on that, I don't like pitting myself to myself.

Anyway, despite the stress and pressure of school, I like it. I mean, don't you envoy gaining new knowledge that you know you can brag when you're in a conversation with someone?  Or use random learning to be the context of your tweet that no one likes? Hahaha. But, jokes aside, I like getting high scores on tests and projects I worked hard for. I just wish that schools soon will return to face-to-face classes.

This essay is so... Messed up. I started from the 2022 elections and now I'm going to talk about my other frustrations aside from the marco/ses and d30.

Oh, I also happen to despise the reality of me living in the same time frame with someone who I think I like but doesn't return the favor to me. Moreover, it’s depressing that his only access to my existence is through a screen. But come to think of it, so do I to him. That's a red flag. He's also a loyalist of that family. But I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he's studying in one of the top universities in the country and still be misinformed lol. Okay, so that's another flag. But he is also hot and cute and smart and works out. AND he's the only guy that I've talked to that I felt heard. Usually, when I talk to guys, it’s either I scare them with my strong personality or I gush over them because I'm gay.

This essay is so long. It’s so disorganized and I'll probably cringe over this when I reread it next time. Aaggg I hate that I'm so bad in writing despite being in the school's publication org.

ANYWAY, Plss pls pls God, do not allow any of d30's or bb/m’s allies to win the elections next year. :((( I still love my country even though It’s so dysfunctional. I hope VP Robredo wins the elections. She's the only one I think that the Filipinos deserve.

I end this post with a saying from one of Ruffa Mae Quinto's movie: Booba, "Ganyan talaga ang buhay lola, parang gulong. Minsan nasusunog." I agree. Life can be good but life can also be bleak, especially when the fire that it was caught on is so damaging. The important thing maybe is that that fire is brought down and the wheel will continue to roll but on a different and safer path this time.

[sonlagrasrees]

The first week of October is a tough one. I'm glad I finished and turned in all that was required from me. There were moments when I felt helpless with my current situation of being a professional procrastinator. Its frustrating how little the work I accomplish and it still screams mediocrity. I hope that with everything that I experience, I learn and do better next time.

[sonlagrasrees]

honey, kill...me, but do it gently and painless

I hope...nah. Being hopeful nowadays is tiring. I think I've just finally accepted the reality of living in this country ,where the news telecast seems like watching Batman, except that he doesn't exist and no one is saving Gotham from the evil system of society. Where people are sadistic enough to be fanatics of a madman, is a curse. But still though, I now this chaos will all be over soon because as, earlier I talked about my graduation, I know many of may contemporaries will be dignified and human enough to save this land from corruption and greed. Goodnight besties😌

[sonlagrasrees]

the effort i exert to express my feelings for you is so unhealthy irhihsiuhihiehgih anyway