sophdrafts

[sophdrafts]

The timeline slips into my room in the upper corner. It blurs the curtain and tempts me to lose myself in day dreaming. The timeline promises a soft place that has arms wrapped up. Love and sex are the same. And I never go wanting. It promises sweet and kind. But I know if I were to go it would end up the same. The same insatiable devouring and drinking every drop until I’m empty. Worn out. Tired. Then demanding more. It is the same as this timeline. I must not be fooled. Where I was lied to here, the same deceit waits there. There is no safe place. Not for me. Not for love. And certainly not for me. Just like I am pushed away here I would be pushed there. Just like I was taken here, it would be the same there. The timeline slip promises to change but it is still me. It is still you.

And we do not have a happy ending.

[sophdrafts]

Whenever I tell myself

I will never love again

My wrist aches

Whenever I remind myself

that no one will love me

My wrist aches

Whenever I try to detach

it is like my body screams no

It is like hope is the cuff

too tight around my wrists

Like it refuses to give me up

when I try to give it away

What is hope for

if not something you do not have

What is hope for

if not to remind you that you don’t have it

It’s the hope that kills you

It’s the hope that ties me up

And drowns me

[sophdrafts]

If I ever get married again

I want it to be like this:

A vow filled with laughter

Solemn jokes

Memes about teslas on fire

And philosophical debates

While we slow dance in the kitchen

“The hole in the atmosphere was fixed

“And they’ve recently discovered sharks communicate with clicks”

“That’s great

“did you hear about the tariffs on penguins”

“What a joke”

“A joke”

And we sip our coffee

And plan for more accessible information

And public transportation

And hope for better

While not looking away from what’s worse

“Back when I was a kid-“

“Yeah, but it was still present, you just didn’t know.”

“I saw a raccoon today”

“Damn that’s good luck for 7 hours use it wisely”

“Should we order pizza”

“How about Mexican”

And the world may burn

And it may not

But we’ll have our solemn jokes

And laughing vows

[sophdrafts]

I did publish these poems :)

[sophdrafts]

hyperfixation please stay with me long enough to complete the project. hyperfixation do not fade. hyperfixation finish what you started for the love of god

[sophdrafts]

Look at you

Shining there

Way out in the distance

Old, constant

Did my grandmother look at you

Did my aunts look at you and wish

Are you the same one I saw

All those years ago

These same eyes fill

With different tears

This same heart pumps

With different rhythms

These same veins

Carry different blood

These same hands

Carry the same sadness

But

Now they reach

My veins draw maps to other worlds

My heart dances

My eyes wrinkle in joy at the ends

Ah that girl who looked out her window

And cried hoping for someone to rescue her

I did save you in the end

I do save you

I know why you cry on your birthday

I know why you lay on the floor in the dark

I know why you hide in your closet to read

I know why you want to run

Even if you don’t understand yet

I do

And so does the star that was there

Is there for me

And you

[sophdrafts]

If you end up belonging to someone else

I will continue to move forward

Forward is swiftly becoming my least favorite direction

Get me a compass so I can stand still and spin a little bit

Maybe dance a little bit

But eventually I will move forward

It’s the only direction I know how to take

[sophdrafts]

Writing about love

Love lost

Love sought after

Love never found

Love that disappears as soon as you reach out for it

Love that doesn’t stay

Love that lies

Cheats

Steals years away

I used to think love was fragile

Now I know love isn’t real

Love is that moment of regret

Love is the sweat and misery after

Love is the days and nights alone

Sitting on the bedroom floor

Doing your nails for no one to see them

Love is long empty hallways

Echoing rooms

Love is pictures with no one in them

Love is dawn through the blinds on your bed alone

Love is throwing

Crashing

Screaming

Taking

Love isn’t real

Love is the lonely heavy breathing after a nightmare

Love is the quiet

Quiet

Alone

Love is empty hands

Love is battery powered and cleaned in the sink

And also

Love is learning to cook chicken for fuck’s sake

Love is doing your nails for your own eyes

Love is painting on a canvas that will touch no one else

Love is the alarms set self discipline

Love is moisturizing your face after you cried it all off. Again.

Love is teaching yourself to get up and feel the floor under your feet

Love is closing your eyes in the sun with no makeup on

Love is learning to speak to yourself gently and softly

And

Maybe love doesn’t exist

Not in anyone else but me

[sophdrafts]

I’ll always remember it ends in 999

The phone that’s off the hook

I’ve covered up the tattoo

And $100 is all it took

Un poquito

Nos vemos

Two phrases and that’s the end

Nos vemos

I’ll see you later

Except we don’t talk

And I can’t remember the moment

I decided that I was done

Wanting to know you

Flashbacks of loud voices

Red faces

Disappointed phrases

If not now, then never

I paid a debt

And I’m still running from the law

The one that comes up with new ways

To lock me up

I’ll be on the run

Even though I bought a rug

I won’t give you the address

I won’t tell you how to find me

I’m still that girl hiding in the closet

Reading about bravery

Swords and dragons

Love that doesn’t cheat

Parents that accept their children

Things that don’t exist

Things that aren’t real

But I won’t remember how you abandoned me

No I’ll just remember the phone number

That ends in 999

The one that doesn’t ring anymore

[sophdrafts]

In another universe the air is soft

And the world is gentle with me

And my greatest enemies aren’t the ones

I loved the most in this life

In fact perhaps in one universe

I don’t have enemies at all

[sophdrafts]

The freckles no one else will see

Creams for every inch of my body

Im turning into my grandmother

I think

I don’t have anyone to let me know

No one to grow old

With

The tears that wash down the drain

Wrinkled eyes eased by serums

Easing so they’re not puffy for

Just me

The mirror reflects gold in my eyes

Gold buried in brown

Green if you’re lucky enough to glimpse it

There’s never anyone around to see it

Just me

Buried treasure

X marks the spot

But no one to read the map

She’ll sail on her own

No captain

No flag

Just her

And the red morning

That horizon that never comes any closer

The edge of the world waiting

Chaos and glory

Falling

But all I wanted was someone to see my freckles

[sophdrafts]

decision fatigue. do I make chocolate chip cookies. do I hook up with flirt friend and potentially ruin the friend group vibe. do I put pink on my nails again. do I value myself enough. what about a lil kiss that would be fine. what about the “will they won’t they” fun tension.

I’m making cookies.

[sophdrafts]

Speak now or forever hold your peace

I whisper to the dark sky

Hoping the stars don’t hear me

Maybe if I’m quiet I’ll have peace

Or is it that with you I’ll have peace

Or is it peace within me

And without you

And round and round the sentence goes

Knowing none of it will reach you

Because I won’t say anything

I won’t show you

Because this is insane

To be this obsessed

So I’ll spare you and hold my peace

[sophdrafts]

I could love you so big

The stardust in my veins

Could burst into flames

Travel back into space

Needing the expanse

Before making a whole new universe

Just to make another us

And they fall in love

Should we send the stardust out?

Or can we keep it here for us?

[sophdrafts]

Today I learned about a fossil

It was made up of two different creatures

They were cuddling together when

A flood came and fossilized them

And if that didn’t make me think of you

Almost with dread

Hoping that the hope will materialize

Into a life together

Instead of just a flash flood

Flash love, flash ending

To hang up next to the rest of the artifacts

In my museum

What would that section be called

“So close”? “yet again”? “The failed loves”

I’ll come up with something poetic

To commemorate my desire to jump into love

I’m hoping that you’ll be walking with me

Through it hand in hand

Rather than a favorite exhibit I visit

Wondering what it was that froze it in time

I’m hoping your section says

“Continued in next room”

And when you walk through the door

It’s bright

Maybe there is music

A dog to cuddle with

While you wander through the stacks

Trailing your fingers over the titles

I hope that each ending is

A happily ever after

[sophdrafts]

And maybe this is all we’ll get

And I’ll die a little inside each time you smile at me

But it’s alright because dying with you feels a lot like

Staying alive on my own

[sophdrafts]

You only want me when you’re drunk

And once upon a time

I would’ve taken it as a compliment

That you needed “courage”

But now I’m older, (a tiny bit) wiser

And I see it for recklessness

I see it for cowardice

I want love and I want it sober

I want love and I want it at 11am

Post morning coffee

And lunch break easy jokes

And clear glasses lenses

I want love and I want it painfully

Achingly brutal

At high noon under the bright sun

I want love blunt, clear eyed, and sober