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To myself

Hey, this is my past self. Obviously.

I'm writing this mainly to see if it works, but I'm also bored and don't want to do homework. Suffering from severe depression too and that's not good.

I hope you are good, because right now I'm not. I want to just disappear. Friendships never last long with me, everybody I meet either seems to end up hating me, treat me like I don't exist or worse. I feel like I'm just a useless piece of shit, something that shouldn't have been made. I can't even begin to fathom everything else I'm feeling. 

I'm not a good person.

Or at least, what is implied.

It's hard to prove that statement, really hard, but I see everyday what I do too people, how they treat me. All I see in me is a selfish self-pitying bitch who needs to get over herself. Especially to the fact that I'm writing this garbage right now.

I like to draw~ it's always been fun. But I'm surrounded by people who are better then me. I'm a competitive person, (even though I hate entering in contests) and when I see someone better then me it's makes me feel depressed. Because I watch from the sidelines as they get all the attention, all the glory and everything for their art. Here's the self-ish part of me, it's their art, their time, they shouldn't have to share it, shouldn't have to direct people away from themselves, it's their fame.

But could you please spare some for me? I don't get anything. Nobody cares to see a half developed piece of shit style. People want something they can connect with and recognize. I don't have that. Never did. I wanted to been seen, people so like my art. To come up behind me and say, "Oh that's a really nice picture!" I only got that if I practically shoved the picture in someone face forcing them to compliment on it. 

Going back on what I said before about not being very good, I would ask constantly ask for help on a picture, constantly asking if the proportion was good, constantly berating them with questions to the point that it most likely irritated them. I don't like to look up ref's online because I never get what I want and the results are sometimes a little gruesome. So ask away I do. I find it much faster if I just ask for help on this, or if this looks good, then spend hours trying to find a ref for a picture. I'm not good enough with the body to just be able to find something close enough to my pose and then make the necessary changes. Please stop glaring at me, I was just telling the truth.

Ignored a lot, blown off, my past just repeats itself everyday. Back then I was (metaphorically {most of the time}) walked on and trampled. I was left behind in the dust when everybody else would go have fun. The last kid picked to play ball? I wasn't even chosen. The teacher had to assign me to a team. I remember playing Marco polo as a kid with some of the other children. Whenever I would be it, the rest of the group would ditch me, leaving me to play by myself. It never occurred to me that this stuff is mean. I was a ignorant child back then. Even if I got bullied everyday, humiliated and betrayed by my own friends. Tricked and left to rot, this loyal pup would always come crawling back, only to get beaten into the ground again. Things got worse after the divorce.

I developed a mental disorder, that's even more hard to explain. Think of being held prisoner by your own mind. Influences run your life. If you have a bad influence when you walk into a room, step up onto a curb, get dressed, take a shower, speak, pretty much anything... the bad influence will crawl into your skin, get in the air, surround you and mutate you, soon you will be acting like the bad influence, becoming it, morphing into this horror that will ruin you forever. 

Because of this, I pause in my speech, step back off the curb, walk back out of the door. If I don't do this "ritual" which consisted of me speaking a bunch of stuff that is supposed to "rid" myself of the bad influences on me, then walk through the door, barrel my way to the bathroom because of the mirror and stare at it for eternal minutes fighting for positive influences. Maybe it developed because if I surround myself in my dreams of fantasy, I can become it. 

Influences range from anything to a memory, a word, an action someone did and more. It triggers something in my empty head and causes a panic, if it a bad influence that is. If it's positive, then I just feel relief for now. It's running my life and I can't break from it. 

Negative influences are like what you call people who do terrible things to people or names of bad people, images of people I hate or anything. Positive influences are people who do good things, friends sometimes, a good words.

That's just the basic part.

I should write more but really need to get to my assignments.

Maybe I should do this everyday. Dialog my happenings, vent out my past, since no one else gives a flying ass about it. (Family doesn't count. Hate to burst your precious bubble)

I had a dream once. Still do right now, but i wonder how long that was going to last. I wanted to be wealthy (duh) and own my company. For games of course. But most of all, I want to be admired. Looked up too by other people, like so people come to me for advise and more. I want to be recognized, for people to see my work and go; "Yup that's her!"

I want for people to see I existed, for my fear is to be forgotten.

"It is said that people die twice, once physically, and a second for when someone speaks your name for the last time."

That's a quote from somewhere, can't remember who said it, or if it's even worded correctly, but it's one of my favorites. That's what I want to be, someone who is forever remembered, because if people don't stop saying my name, I am immortal.

I know when this gets posted, something will happen, maybe if I forget all this, this post will bring it all back ans ruin me, or if I get really popular someone, and get what I selfishly want, this post will ruin me, or people will hate me, for being selfish and uncaring and an idiot for thinking this will change anything. It does feel better to write it all down. I'm waiting for it to get posted, because I want to see if anything changes with my life. Will my future self I have dreamed of be the hate filled monster I mutate it into? Or something more? I want to be so many things.... It's almost fantasy. 

I hope people will read this and not spam me wit hate, call me an attention whore, or something even worse, or fill my mind with all this terrible shit, or even use this against me. but that last part will be a bit hard, because the whole world will know about this.

The writings of a sad pathetic 17 year old dreamer.

                                                                     ~Glass

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FIRST GLANCE

patreon <3

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It’s you!

Thanks to everyone who came to the stream!

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Read more comics like this at smbc-comics.com

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Join the Introvert Nation Movement

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it instantly started playing the fresh prince theme song and it has different remixes and i had to disable the extension to make a fucking post this is the best thing ive ever seen in my god damn life

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its her……..the perfect woman…

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I really like ejaculating inside another man’s wife.

Ethan, 2k17 (via jacksepticeye-confesssions)

Without context, this is a very interesting quote xD

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Technically, it’s impossible to skip breakfast. The first time you eat during a day is when you “break your fast.”

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I Was Trying To Be Funny But It Came Out as Really Mean: A 5-part documentary starring me.

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LMFAO

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With every death, comes honor. With honor, redemption.

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When a popular blog reblogs  your post and the notes pour in

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