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also , mini - hiatus for a few days because i caught the flu(tm)

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anyways, if you don't watch killing eve you're missing out.

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anyways , i’ll only lurk here today because i accidentally ended up making a n.at.suya ki.rishi.ma from free!

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anyway i'm off to sleep , feel free to like for a ic msg or smth in your inbox some time today

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                         I  HAVE   NO   HOME   ANYMORE

                              independent detroit: become human original character                               ARTIST       coded by aaron b.     selective        private

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hey , anyone know where to sell my soul to get someone to give my son a name ?

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no matter what you think :

                                      YOU  DO  MATTER.                                       YOU   ARE   VALID.                                          YOU  ARE  LOVED.

                             YOU. ARE. IMPORTANT.

                                                  please stay safe.

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All of you. Remember to breathe. You can get through anything. You’re all so strong.

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reading a reply i made after i published it like

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‘ i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me. ’

@bitterdeviance      /      dark meme.

❝ there’s a brief pause ,  just a moment of hesitation as the outdated android    considers the options. logically speaking , she was correct. had it not been   for his curiousity there wouldn’t be a situation like this.   in fact , bad as it is   this actually gives a small opening   —   just a tiny window of opportunity if    they play the cards right.  there’s silence to remain while he listens intently   for approaching footsteps. none , yet.  his plan is faulty , much like himself.   maybe the other android will have a better plan.        she does seem to be   more capable than he is ,        especially with all the errors in his software.

   so he turns around , flinching the tiniest bit at the sound his replaced foot   makes.     guilt washes over the old model and in a moment of weakness    he looks through a window.     big mistake ; the flaring lights only brought    more warnings to flare up in his vision as temporary blindness overcomes   him.      his tone is hushed , quick as if he’s in a panic and yet there is an    evident lack of emotions.   maybe this wasn’t a way to remedy the chaos    he has brought upon the unfortunate android   who had to find herself in   a wild goose chase she might  or might not have taken part in otherwise.

   maybe this was just him , finally giving up.     what a way to do it , too ;    pathetically trying to make himself look good      while someone else got   roped into the situation  A N D  most likely had to clean up the mess left   behind if his so called ‘ plan ’ failed.                                truly astounding.

  « i wasn’t going to do that — i think … i— look , i don’t … i’m not …   my systems are going haywire and i didn’t think about this at all , i    understand that you’re angry , i truly do.   i’d be angry too if i were    you. and i am sure you would know how to get out of this    ,    you     don’t seem like someone to give up ;      in fact , you seem … uh …   very set on keeping yourself alive.                                           BUT ,

    i can try to fix this situation—    just … as soon as they come here    you have to find an opening for yourself—     i can … i can … i can    stall for time    —     they’ll probably gladly take in a faulty android     whose model has already been recalled— i think ? i … i’m sorry ? »

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anyways , alternate universe where ta200 gets attacked instead of joel and joel wants to intervene but just stands there and watches him get torn apart.

but he lives ( very , very barely ) , he’s outdated and absolutely damaged. he’s got nothing to lose anymore.

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      IF   YOU   CAME   HERE   FOR   COMFORT   YOU   CAME   TO   THE   WRONG   PLACE .

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“ DON’T YOU DARE! DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE! “ og @ copy son ? lessgo

@bodyburnt     /     random meme.

❝ the android stumbles a bit , given the force delivered to his cheek ;  honestly ,   he’s just surprised the cyborg didn’t use his artificial arm  —  that would have   definitely ended up destroying him. there’s a pause ,  tension thick enough to   have a human feel it run down their spine. maybe it was good neither of them   had any semblance of such trifling emotions and sensations    ( anymore , for   joel ).     and despite the thirium running over his face the android stares back    with as much fire as his template.     the only difference was the source of the   flame. the cyborg was filled with hate , a dark sea threatening to drown him in   it’s endless waters ,              threatening to erase any spark of love left in him.

   meanwhile the only flame in the android was determination   ;    he’ failed his   purpose before --- failed to help his owners. failed to help the man in front of   him.     he would , under no circumstances , give up on them when he finally   found a way of helping them all. wouldn’t give up on reuniting what he never   had                                                      ... wouldn’t give up on a--- his FAMILY.

« it is true. they grieved you --- they all did.   you may not want to hear it   but your brother needs your help. needs you. whether you want it or not. »

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also , heads up . i’ll probably be over at @bodyburnt because i’m feeling vengeful , bloodthirsty jerk tonight.

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tfw cool people on dash but too nervous to send any meme or even approach

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based on this suggestions blog.  warning:  these are pretty dark/angry  &  could be triggering to some people.  please be cautious before proceeding!!

‘  all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly  &  me to not flinch away without meaning to.  when will this stop affecting me?  ’ ‘  all i want is to be soft  &  gentle,  but i’m made out of steel  &  anger.  maybe in another life,  i guess.  ’ ‘  beauty is in the eye of the beholder,  so choose to see beauty in everything.  ’ ‘  burning it all to the ground  &  force them to start again.  they made you lose everything.  now return the favor.  ’ ‘  do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own?  ’ ‘  do you trust me enough?  do you trust me at all?  ’ ‘  don’t you dare abandon me.  ’ ‘  even after all you have done,  i will always want you fighting on my side.  ’ ‘  every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again.  ’ ‘  everyone i have ever loved is long gone.  i sing to the sky alone.  ’ ‘  everyone i touch gets hurt,  but i can’t stop.  i touch  &  i touch  &  i touch  &  people get hurt.  why can’t i ever stop?  ’ ‘  everyone says i used to be a hero,  but i can still taste the blood in my mouth  &  still feel bruises blooming because of my fists  &  my eyes are still stretched wide  &  terrified.  ’ ‘  everything i love has been taken from me.  what do i have left to fight for?  ’ ‘  fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong.  ’ ‘  friends are more important than any material object will ever be.  ’ ‘  i am aching to hold you  &  keep you safe,  to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you.  ’ ‘  i am divine  &  you will bow before me.  ’ ‘  i am fucking divine.  ’ ‘  i am in control  &  i listen to no one.  ’ ‘  i am not a good person.  don’t pretend i am.  ’ ‘  i am not accustomed to love.  this is a learning experience.  ’ ‘  i am not worth saving  &  i am not worth redemption.  let me stay in the dark.  ’ ‘  i am so tired all the time,  all i want to do is rest.  ’ ‘  i am too tired to deal with any of this.  ’ ‘  i bow to no man.  ’ ‘  i broke into sharp pieces when i broke  &  i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together.  i’m sorry.  ’ ‘  i can give you your wings back  &  i can show you to fly once more,  if you only believe in me.  ’ ‘  i cannot be saved.  ’ ‘  i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people.  i can bear this weight on my own.  i have to.  ’ ‘  i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you,  but i loved you too much to notice.  ’ ‘  i crave affection in the simplest way.  ’ ‘  i deserve to hurt.  i deserve to bleed.  ’ ‘  i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me.  ’ ‘  i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer,  as long as it leaves your lips.  ’ ‘  i don’t fight for you anymore.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to let go of you.  not now,  not ever.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t want to remember.  i don’t want to heal.  all i want is for it to go away.  ’ ‘  i don’t want you to touch me.  please don’t touch me,  just go away.  ’ ‘  i feel anger deeper than my bones.  i feel anger in my very soul.  ’ ‘  i feel nothing at all,  except for when i feel everything all at once.  ’ ‘  i have fallen  &  though i may miss the sky,  i belong here now.  ’ ‘  i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine.  ’ ‘  i have no home anymore.  ’ ‘  i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand  &  then i remember nothing.  ’ ‘  i see beauty in everything,  but especially in you.  ’ ‘  i should never have fallen in love with you.  ’ ‘  i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me.  now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away.  ’ ‘  i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe.  ’ ‘  i will never amount to anything.  i am a failure in the worst type of way.  ’ ‘  i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me  &  maybe someday it will be true.  ’ ‘  if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore.  ’ ‘  if you ask me to,  i will set the whole world on fire,  my dear.  it’s all for you.  ’ ‘  is it my fault?  it’s my fault.  it’s always my fault.  ’ ‘  it’s not murder if they deserved it,  right?  ’ ‘  i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me,  choking on anger  &  suffocating on sadness.  ’ ‘  i’m in love with everything that hurts me.  ’ ‘  i’m okay.  i’m alright.  this is all in my mind.  ’ ‘  i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me.  ’ ‘  i’m so cold  &  i can’t stop shaking.  i am not who you think i am.  ’ ‘  i’m so tired all the time  &  i just want to be awake again.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten.  i just want someone to remember me.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting everything in my life.  just make it stop.  ’ ‘  i’m too tired to care.  blow up,  get angry at me.  i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it.  ’ ‘  jealousy burns within me.  ’ ‘  just let me go in peace for once in my damn life.  ’ ‘  loneliness is a disease  &  it leaves me empty  &  hollow,  like sound goes through my body  &  bounces back.  ’ ‘  made of starlight  &  sunshine,  i shine brighter than they all know.  ’ ‘  my anger is righteous  &  my actions are pure.  ’ ‘  my chest aches  &  my lungs burn.  this sickness comes from the inside.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  all i need is some comfort  &  understanding.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  i ache to go back to the sky.  ’ ‘  my shoulders are aching where wings used to be  &  all i want is for them to stop hurting.  ’ ‘  pull me apart  &  piece me together in your own way.  make me perfect.  ’ ‘  righteous fury throws through my veins  &  if you touch the people i love i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  rise up.  you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more.  ’ ‘  say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue.  ’ ‘  so much blood has been spilled in my name.  time to make you believe it was in yours.  ’ ‘  so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent,  but not when i scream  &  plead for help?  fuck off.  ’ ‘  sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want.  ’ ‘  stay away from my fucking friends.  stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  stop treating me like i’m an idiot.  you aren’t better than me in any way  &  you better remember that.  ’ ‘  the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue.  ’ ‘  the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it.  ’ ‘  to love them is my divine right.  ’ ‘  voices whisper from the shadows  &  they fill my mind with thoughts of you.  ’ ‘  what did i to wrong to be so unloved?  ’ ‘  what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it?  ’ ‘  who the fuck do you think you are?  ’ ‘  why can’t i ever fucking stop crying?  ’ ‘  with a new year comes new tests  &  triumphs.  let’s try to make the most out of it.  ’ ‘  would it really kill you to be honest for once?  ’ ‘  yes,  i remember my wings breaking  &  being destroyed.  i was powerless to stop it.  ’ ‘  you are not required to love your parents,  or to even like them.  ’ ‘  you can’t hate me more than i hate myself,  but you are more than welcome to try.  ’ ‘  you may say you love me,  but you love only a part of me.  i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being.  ’ ‘  you never fucking cared about me.  don’t fucking lie about it.  not to me.  ’ ‘  you remind me of mint.  fresh,  sharp,  kind of cold,  but in a nice way.  i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite.  ’ ‘  you shine light in even the darkest parts of me.  you are my sun.  ’ ‘  you should fear me,  but you don’t.  i will be eternally puzzled,  yet grateful.  ’ ‘  you touch me  &  my skin burns  &  it burns for you,  always you.  ’

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scarlctta

    he was outdated   ?   that explains his whereabouts   ,   but it was still uneasy to know that he was still working   (   without the LED he could pass as human   ,   maybe no one knew   ?   )   .   she shoved her hands in her pockets   &.   tilted her head a bit to the side   ,   ❛   well your scanners are right   .   i am very upset right now   .   ❜   truthfully she was rather impressed that he was even still operating   ,   apparently androids were pretty strong compared to humans   .   

     she shrugged at the compliment   ,   ❛   it was more of a guess than anything   .   most humans in this area don’t go around asking about each others emotions   ,   you kinda gave yourself away   .   ❜   maybe not but she didn’t do well with compliments so might as well avoid it   ,   though she didn’t understand his goal with this   .   was he truly attempting to help her   ?   or was his program actually glitching   ?   she wasn’t exactly sure about how these things worked but she sighed   &.   decided to let it slide   .   it’s not like anyone she cared about would get ahold of anything she told him   ,   right   ?   ❛   i generally vent my negative emotions in more most awful ways possible   ,   i wouldn’t say i need an outlet right now   .   if anything i’ll hold it in   &.   let it out next time i explode   .   ❜   sure it wasn’t healthy   ,   but it’s what she did sometimes   .

❝  there’s a moment of silence as the android let’s the information sink in ; awful ?     was she talking about physical violence ?    the entire purpose of his being was     to ensure the avoidance of physical conflicts  ,  to ensure the safety of whoever    he was sent to. he sinks his head , almost as if he wanted to hide tears he can’t    even cry.     perhaps this girl didn’t want help --- but she sure seemed to need it.    so he stands up straight ,    forcing himself to smile warmly before he introduces    himself. if she rejects his offer he’s done all he can ;   he can’t force someone to    take help they don’t want                          --- he knows that , as much as it hurts.

   « ... i’d like to say the greeting i’ve previously neglected now. and i’d like     to          ... help you find better ways of venting your            ... frustrations.

    i am an android of the model TA200 ---  outdated , sure , but nonetheless     designed to help people under   ...    certain circumstances with their life.     if you’d let me i’m sure i can help you ease , what i can only guess to be     the tip of iceberg , your anger. you can , however , also tell me to leave. »

    it was an ... inadequate way of stating his purpose  but if his experience with      his previous owner was any indication    then he knew that outright saying he      thought she had serious mental problesm she’d just get angrier   ----   maybe      it’d hurt her , too , something that the android would never want to do. part of     him hoped she’d refuse ; he was a faulty android , nobody needed his model     nor did people care much about his kind in general.   calculations revealed a     high chance of getting her into potential trouble    ,   though the other side of     him doubted she’d live troublefree either ways. for crying out loud , not being     able to directly grasp the reason for him staying activated was messing with     him ,                                                                                                 wasn’t it ?