spikeinthepunch

[spikeinthepunch]

In this light I swear I'm blind In this light I swear you're mine

[spikeinthepunch]

In this light I swear I'm blind In this light I swear you're mine

[spikeinthepunch]

In this light I swear I'm blind In this light I swear you're mine

[spikeinthepunch]

In this light I swear I'm blind In this light I swear you're mine

[spikeinthepunch]

commission of leries for wonderful @spikeinthepunch !!! ₍ᐢ  ›  ̫ ‹ ᐢ₎ ♡

i cant wait to read more fresh gossip about the court phphph their drama is so addictive!! 💙

[spikeinthepunch]

i drew two things for art fight. which is one more than last year. ill call that a success

[spikeinthepunch]

i havent rly been rambling online too much as i tend to keep my public posting very rare these days, nor do i want to talk about current RPs much publicly either, buuut i am thirsting to ramble loads of thoughts about writing and themes in darker settings. the RP i am in has taken up basically all of my time outside of the moment i try to work on projects lol

...if you are from CoE *points at the door* but also this isn't too deep about Ieries to where it'd spoil too much about his deeper development/what is is actually doing right now. so whatever. mostly bringing him up in relation to how i feel about my own writing overall.

Anyways.

current RP stuff with my character Ieries, is in a setting of an evil cult in short- and this leaves loads of serious, fucked themes and topics to be allowed. This has been great as a push for me esp when i have OC stories I want to be dark but there has always been hesitance (and I was writing Lisa fics, that was a good step forward) mainly in presenting it publicly. This RP puts me in a space of like minded people, partially private, and I have written things I never really got myself to write before now.

Violence has come up but much has been emotional and psychological for him. Whether its ruining someone with secrets or threats of rape. Purposeful bold insults lead to violent punishments, or maybe he takes the offer for gruesome artistic torture because he's down bad for someone. Ieries has blossomed into something I didn't fully expect... impulsive and unstable with emotions going from one extreme to the other. Molded by the Titled of the Court in the worst ways, coming out punished for his actions many times over, stumbling out with lessons that you can only hope would make him think twice next time. He's improving, in regards to... learning shit, and finding himself. Lagged for a couple weeks.

However, despite his behavior and what I said I have written that is "dark", I am still sitting here not.. fully satisfied with my writing. This is partially IC and OOC. IC comes from what opportunities Ieries is being given by others or by his own actions. OOC comes from my own hesitance in how to act for his development "i dont think he should do that, it would be bad" "im unsure if i am allowed to go that far, I'll just skip it" "the consequence would be too dangerous, i dont want to go there". Some of those concerns are valid- I very much reigned Ieries in after a particularly hellish week for my own OOC sanity lol, but there could have been a part of him thatd go further and get into more trouble. I just didn't want to deal with it.

But some of those concerns have hindered what I write, and what he gets to do. I have pushed myself a little more but one of the results to this hesitance has led to much of his RPs being... talking. discussion. there is a lot of philosophy for Ieries to take apart in this setting and it IS needed, for sure. SO what am I missing? What have I not fully let myself go, and write with no worry and all the intensity I want? Violence, actually. It is not that Ieries hasn't been violent at all. He has had... small acts of violence, but sadly it has lacked. Either due to the types of people he interacts with (cautious around high ranks, or the person isnt for it), or general failure to get a thread made at all (just by circumstance, like not being available. or me being anxious >_>). And there is a big different between a consensual spar and a murder or impulsive reaction.

which brings me to my current triggered thoughts-- a event in RP was announced, some weeks in the future from now. It encourages letting us have a unique moment to really indulge in that kind of writing. I have to come up with my own scenario for Ieries to play in, essentially. Which is fun certainly, to know this can be molded to what I need for him. I have thoughts forming that feel quite solid, and it has sparked excitement! I am eager. Though there is this anxiety of performance.

In what is essentially going to be a one on one DM experience, with a character showing their deepest vision of their darkest desires, crafted partially by myself. It almost feels like I will perform on a stage, of something I have not "practiced". Writing a thing I have not been pushed to write yet. It is silly to feel this way when I have ya know, had numerous one on one RPs with players. How they differ though, is comfort zone. It is not just in topic either, I also see myself gravitate to certain players because I know them best. Much like that this scene has me leaving any "support" from other characters for what is a solo performance with a DM.

I voice these anxieties but they don't deter me from trying. I am excited to see this not just for my own writing but also for my character too. He sits in my head like he is his own person and I know he will be thrilled for this because it is what he needs, for development. The drive of a character and the way the snowball keeps rolling is one strong motivator to writing the things I want to write, despite some of those hesitations. Sometimes, stuff just happens. Sometimes I do not think at all and I come out of it wondering why tf my character did that.

Which is exactly the mindset I intend to fall into to some extent in the near future with this event... I am digging deep into Ieries' purpose overall and for himself personally. Find the thing he is lacking and let him relish in everything it will give him.

[spikeinthepunch]

how do you clothe a 37 year old woman who lives in a tiny isolated christian cult town in 2006

[spikeinthepunch]

AF attack on @panidanya

[spikeinthepunch]

some times i draw cats and its so easy and nice and im like. ooooh right its cuz i have drawn cats since i was 6

[spikeinthepunch]

warrior cats beam on my sylvari. because im bored

[spikeinthepunch]

idk what the hell happened in the last 1-2 years to make some weirdly stressful controlling side of the artfight community spawn (i guess tiktok i recall exploding it up) and its insane like guys this shit is so simple. draw someones oc and submit it thats IT there is nothing else to worry about just follow rules and draw. im not "in" this community by any means but when i get glimpses of yt videos and posts and shit like this my mind just cannot grasp why tf this is happening at all. draw oc. post it

[spikeinthepunch]

ngl i might drop artfight this year idk... hate having my profile up only to do like one attack when ppl go after me :( im just not sure i will manage much else this year

[spikeinthepunch]

5 days until artfight... surely, i can finish this reference sheet before then

[spikeinthepunch]

i intended to get an update for Twisted Roots out some time soon but i am a tad stuck on progressing too much because it is supposed to at some point evolve into the proper Penrose story, and I still do not have a solid idea on what form that is gonna take

i am in the mean time trying to finish the Penrose website. which will host info on the story, all releases for the story, and some other extra stuff. so i hope to at least have that to show off in a bit

[spikeinthepunch]

watch me join artfight and draw like one thing

[spikeinthepunch]

i will never understand people who get upset at the idea of reading something in second person. foolish. that perspective has so much more power than you can ever imagine. go play disco elysium