spiralfractal-journal

[spiralfractal-journal]

[spiralfractal-journal]

May 27th, 2025

I feel like I’m moving too fast for my peers, improving so quickly, and I feel like I have to leave them behind

But when part of me explains… well, me, and all I’ve been through, no one listens.

I feel very alone, like people are tired of me, as if I speak too much.

Maybe I should go back to basics and never speak again.

I may as well leave this blog, too.

[spiralfractal-journal]

March 28th, 2025

I’m never gonna get a job I think. I won’t succeed and be happy. I will succeed and suffer. I’m too soft for this. Too soft to be around. I feel as if when I do get a job anyone and everyone will look at me as if I’m an alien, like they have all my life. My failure to understand the point will be on display. It’s hard. This is hard. Life is hard.

I just wish it would stop. I wish I could wake from the dream. I’m tired

To be loved is to be changed and no one changed me more than people who have soul crushing jobs. right now I don’t understand, maybe I won’t ever understand

[spiralfractal-journal]

March 15th, 2025

My life got better. Someone freed me from eternal dysphoria in a way that means a lot to me.

My life got worse to offset it. What are my dreams? I still don’t understand. Do I want to be working in a library? I ask myself what I’m doing with my life still, and I remain confused.

Perhaps I’ll just never get it.

[spiralfractal-journal]

trans women really get axed over the most spurious of allegations. like it doesn't even have to be remotely true. people just hate trans women.

[spiralfractal-journal]

January 30th, 2025

all my friends are monsters to other people why does the world have to be so cruel why does everyone have this urge to sow hate and discourse and agony in the world

it makes living hard and it makes everything too itchy. way too itchy like I can’t stop scratching and it’ll never go away

it removes me from my own equation and traps me in fear, this is what that ex would’ve wanted, and this is what my friends don’t want me to do. I’m screwed. I’m so so screwed. I am going towards the belly of the beast no one can save me

[spiralfractal-journal]

January 29th 2025

I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood. I can’t be understood. I don’t wanna be understood. I shouldn’t be understood.

[spiralfractal-journal]

December 23rd, 2024

wwhen I do something I like my heart rate goes up

im so scared and of what ? bugs under my bed? the fact that I don’t act like people want me to. the fact that I try to feel small as some sort of crutch when I should maybe really just grow. Up . And when I’m myself it’s bad. like really really bad. no one wants to walk in on me being me

it’s so scary

and I’m so sad . I didn’t think it was possible to be so teary

[spiralfractal-journal]

December 17th, 2024

I got back into our shoes and talked to people we haven’t talked to in ages. We stopped avoiding.

but it hurts.

We thought it was good. Good to come back. Good to seem like someone else. But our chest seizes up at the notion of seeing who we are. How we act.

it makes us shake. it makes us cry. it makes us feel like we’re withering away. like we never should have been here

If a tree falls down in the woods, and no one’s there to hear it? was there anything ever there? was there any indication that a creature marked the place, was there, housed themselves in the tree? A very loaded proposition.

i don’t know if I can answer that question, and I don’t feel like it. we are not all all trustworthy. and I don’t know if we should be alive.

i don’t know. i don’t know who we are. we’re everything and nothing. I don’t know. Help.

[spiralfractal-journal]

December 15th, 2024

things got bad again

earlier in the night (so yesterday) i kept becoming deluded and ruminating intensely about how I will die drowning. i had, or maybe still have, such a conviction about it. water will surround me, fill up my lungs and that will be it. i live in a place surrounded by water so it’s only appropriate for this to be how I imagine that will go

i think I might walk to my local bridge again. maybe it’ll work this time. maybe it won’t. maybe my brain wants the adrenaline.

or maybe I am like a deep cave plant, craving the darkness, never wanting to see light like conventional plants. living off water and nutrients. “barely�� scraping by in other’s words.

I won’t ever leave this house, no one will give me a damn job because I’m not human, and I can feel my time as a parasite in the shadow of others is starting to be up and that might be a good thing.

[spiralfractal-journal]

December 7th, 2024

I asked my dad to get access to an email that is tied to some bullshit internet provider and it is all because we feel like running away. And I feel guilt. What am I running from? Is what I am trying to get access to even still there? Will it all be even worth it?

This morning, I feel like I am more in space and I am sending a transmission than am human. It feels as if the walls on the outside of me are being torn down. Perhaps it is because we are all tired. It is unknown.

One thing is for certain.

We are all instruments of an unknown cause.

[spiralfractal-journal]

Dec 1st, 2024

We were contemplating death at the beginning of the day and then proceeded to fall asleep for the rest of it. A good chunk, like two thirds

But we think we’re gonna be okay. We feel safe alone and unseen. That’s part of the purpose of this blog, putting this stuff in a sea where it can disappear into the ether. Or at least one of us thinks that.

We got ice cream to cheer us up and that helped a little bit.

[spiralfractal-journal]

November 30th 2024

i had a dream where I was in minecraft and I slept too much because I couldn’t stay awake early in the morning.

I said something bad today. so I’m pushing myself away from others, like I always have done. I hate doing it. I can’t stop. i wish I had friends but the truth is, i never will, because im scum. emotional, unintelligent, scum.

if you bear the burden of seeing this, my apologies.

[spiralfractal-journal]

Warsan Shire, from "For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"

[spiralfractal-journal]

November 29th 2024

i took a shower today. i slept for most of the day and then i don’t really remember the rest, it’s like a haze.

i have been retracting from most of the places I’ve been in online because I think I’ve been around too much. im scared. i don’t know why im scared. i don’t know if people deserve to be around a mess like me. simultaneously, I want to put myself out there but I don’t know if he will know, and if they will all know. it feels like I’m going to be stuck in a hole under the ground forever.

that’s all.

[spiralfractal-journal]

November 28th 2024

today I watched bojack horseman and house md to distract myself and made a side blog to chronicle my thoughts. the usual depressed unemployed stuff. so here this blog is. ive been questioning my mental state maybe, and I think I might have something so im investigating.

the day after my last therapy appointment I had a mental breakdown and it’s been continually going for two weeks so when I saw her again she told me to take it easy. so I am. im doing anything other than bedrotting, and apparently this means watching lots of shows, listening to lots of Radiohead and other songs and trying (and failing) to make art that’s worth a damn. someday it’ll escape into the internet, I think, but probably won’t be on tumblr.

i wanna go travel but it feels like an instinctive danger. i can’t go with my parents I still live with, because they’re busy working their asses off. i can’t go outside, because if I go outside, i’m percieved, and it hurts. it hurts to live in this shithole suburban town.