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It is not just about explicit transphobia either, obviously that's a lot worse if I'm being open, but even without it... even in the queerest friendliest nicest most lefty spaces ever, fuck. Man. I get degendered, lesbians hit on me, I feel totally excluded from the label 'queer man', people act so fucking shocked and weird if I do something like piss standing up, or they assume I bind? They assume I'm pre-t! It's so horrible. It feels like no matter what I do, the second my transgender Status is revealed nothing fucking counts. Even trans people seem to view transition as aesthetic, my body is treated as "afab" first and foremost. Dude I feel like ass right now

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I keep trying to write this post but I'm exhausted. Being stealth is fine and I hate that it seems to be constantly expected that trans people be very open about being trans, progressive cis people not understanding the many many reasons trans people would be lowkey about being trans is a scourge. I hate how people treat me when they know I'm trans and it's been so fucking long now, it's actually fine for us to want to be treated like any other person would be. It's been half my god damn life and it's going to be all of it. holy fuck. I wish I just passed

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glasgow 2day

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POV: I don't know what pov stands for and seems to be under the misguided impression that it's just a video of something happening. like a scenario? Maybe? It doesn't really make sense that someone wouldn't understand this one but it's pretty widespread

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wwyc if u were like starving

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Something I'm trying to become more aware of and , like, stop about myself is that I assume basically everybody knows more about basically everything than I do. It's because of how I was brought up (severely neglected).

Most of the people I've met who've had even vaguely similar childhoods to me have.... look, this is my personal blog, and I get to say whatever I want however I want to. So I'm gonna just say all this, and sadly, you can't do anything except believe me. But they've all grown up to be self-righteous and utterly stupid in equal measure. Thinking that somehow despite hardly going to school, not bothering to do anything academic in their adult life, learning 99% of the shit they know from random youtube videos, they're actually both better informed and inherently more intelligent than normal people. It's actually unhinged, totally removed from reality. And I mean, seriously! I WAS removed from reality as a child, as in my parents plucked me out of reality and placed me in bizarro world. But I'm so glad that even as a small child, I at least knew this and knew that my upbringing wasn't normal or healthy. I have absolutely benefitted from treating everything my parents say as suspect and to often just ignore things they say. I've also benefitted from realising that if I wanted to be accepted, to have friends and be more or less seen as normal (all things i do in fact want) then I would have to learn how to be normal from normal people, NOT my parents.

But I think at this point it has somewhat overstayed its welcome, and now im a people pleaser. I think being a people pleaser or a narcissist were my only possible paths, both have their own pros and cons I suppose. I am a bit prone to being weird and detached so I think it's overall better that I became like a Very Honest Moral Person than someone who was happy to manipulate those around me. But I digress

I'm fucking terrified of upsetting people, I loathe conflict, and I genuinely doubt my own knowledge of everything. Responsibility is scary. Everything is scary. Everyone is scary.

For so much of my life, I've felt like one wrong move, and I'm out on my own with no support. Coming out as trans in 2012 did a number of me, people were not kind. Now they wonder why I don't correct people when they misgender me, and I don't know how to explain that I'm legitimately terrified. That even verbalising 'it's he/him actually' might trigger me.

But I really need to get better. I need to be ok with upsetting people if it's because they're being an asshole, or if it's them or someone else who deserves it less, or if they'd be upset because I'm wanting a boundary respected etc.

I need to be better arguing with people even if I don't think I can get through to them. It's for me and my own mental health, it feels better to verbalise what I think than keep it to myself and only hear assholes being assholes.

I know I can get away with sometimes being an 'asshole' because other people do all the time. I can be a bit unreasonable sometimes. I don't always have to prioritise others over myself. Oof.

Bedtime

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I think “somewhat reserved straight guy who has been single for a really long time, maybe never had a gf, but is not (at least, openly) resentful or super unhappy about this fact, but also very much is attracted to women, who deals with this(?) by getting really into the gym" is an emerging type of guy in the 21st century. Keep an eye on it. Expect some thinkpieces

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Happy Midsummer 🇸🇪

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when people my age make films about how depressing and lame it is to be doing nothing in your mid 20s im like well you just directed a movie so you cant possibly understand

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The utter horror I experience when I get 3 notes on a text post is its own emotion

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I've had 2 older men in the last month think I was transfem after being VERY EXPLICITLY told i am a trans man. using very old-ignorant-person-friendly language. by both myself and others on my behalf. Moly mackerel

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Clouds over the valley, southeast Arizona. Photo copyright by j.e.syme 2024

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what is WRONG with people.................. if you are on a train you WEAR HEADPHONES

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