springcloudsmind

[springcloudsmind]

"Cassette Loop"

I miss you— and I can’t even press play on a single word to you. I see I’m getting rewound into feelings, while you barely hit record.

You've taken up all the space on my mixtape, and my friends know they hear every skipped beat, every static when i mention your name I haven’t written anything lately— just fragments and fast-forwards, little moments spooled into a story over coffee, small smiles, and sighs.

With my hands over my face, I rewind to the first, second, third time we sat beside each other— warm, soft clicks I return to over and over.

I miss you like a broken cassette, tangled and worn, still trying to play your voice through the midnight noise.

I’ve adored you for a year now, and I always play back to the start—

to how we met a scene I wouldn’t usually allow but somehow hit record no matter what.

And when my heart feels scratched and warped, it’s your song on reverse that plays— melancholy, young, and mad a sound I can only hear.

All these songs I’ve been dedicating to you— homemade tracks of hope and longing— yet even so, in this night I wish you’d press play too.

[springcloudsmind]

cassette loop

draft-1

i miss you and i cant even talk to you

i see im getting attached and its not even the same for you

you’ve taken up all the space in my head and my friends know it well

i havent written anything as simple peeks has turned into a story over coffee

with my hands on my face, recalling the first second and third time we sat together

i miss you like a broken casette tape

ive adored you for a year now,

I always go back to how met

It wasnt something i’d usually allow

But when i’m sick at heart, its your song on reverse that plays

all these songs ive been dedicating for you

Yet even so, i wish you’d talk to me too

[springcloudsmind]

dance

Sneak one more glance, and I'll let you tail my shadow walk slow like a dance follow our heartbeat's tempo

[springcloudsmind]

crush

closing my eyes to hide the blush oh, the rush of finding a new crush! the anticipation of catching his sight what a dash to a dangerous plight

[springcloudsmind]

a day of recoding

waited 3 days to be talked with on the last day, about realness. :))

im glad to serve some days ago. it was nice to talk by the parking lot. honestly forgot i wish i could remmebr but i think it was about doing well in the project. im proud as well and inspired to know more myself.

Pull back a smile in in my direction, curl it with your warmth, release, and shoot an arrow straight to my heart.

[springcloudsmind]

Ako si Paro-paro

Napakaraming kulay ang linggong ito Lubos na napawi ang bakasyon ko Nakaraang Miyerkules ay pinasulat ako kami ng mga magaaral sa Mps ika-sampu

Sumulat raw ng isang tula hinggil sa hayop kung ako'y hindi tao hindi ko alam ang isasagot basta'y "paro-paro", binigkas ko

sapagkat tulad nito, kay dami sa buhay ang proseso labis rin ang kadaldalan, maintindihan lang iyong pinagdaanan

mula sa pagkabata na binuhat nila papa lumaki at natutong gumapang sa sariling paa uod pa at hindi nakikita hangga't sa nabalot ng dilim na damang-dama

iyun ang high school ko: sumayaw, kumanta, at sumigaw namuno sa mga kahit ano sa ilalim ng araw ngunit hindi pa yun, ang ako na narito

sa sakalukuyan ay hindi pa buo ang pagkatao, ngunit aking napagtanto: Kaya siguro maraming kwento ay dati akong paro-paro

[springcloudsmind]

Taglagas dahil may bagong pagsibol

a 2023 highlight

Life update! I'm a non-major now. With many prayers and humbling times, mama finally agreed. and guess what? she said she was just waiting for me to ask her because she has trusted me already with the Lord. What an answered prayer.

<if 2023 would be described in 1 photo>

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's the start of a new year!

Recently, I've been very contemplative. Maybe it's my age catching up to me. haha.

"I had a blast this 2023" was an understatement.

When I reviewed my IG stories, I was utterly shocked how the darkest time and brightest time of my life happened in just a year, in this year.

Just now, I saw my journal and my expectation for it a year ago. Never could I have imagined what happened now that it has ended.. It's rly humorous how there was a big "Be more like Him" in the first page. I prayed that I'd be more christlike and here I was; given the biggest fishbone to my throat. haha.

BUt! that was just half of it.

When I reached September, our 2nd sem, everything I wished for happened. It was the greatest time of my life.

My classes were soooooo fun. I've made palpable my table and college-ing ideas. I have been receiving high scores in my exams. I also had a very craaaaaazy class wherein we discuss about and dance disco. fUn! And beh, don't get me started on the people I've interacted with! I met many nationalities, became friends with them, and even went to another nation! (side note: I also learned about how exchange students works. hihi. maybe, Lord? Is it ur will, even for a sem? *cute face while on my knees* haha) In that other nation, I saranghae-d everywhere. First time had I experienced a negative degree celcius temperature! As cute as it sound like, hear me say this. It. Was. Not. Fun. hahaha. i wished to experience that when I was a child, but who's laughing now to be eating my words back decades after. I couldn't even take pictures. haha. I really tried my best to screen shot them in my mind for future reference and rly just go back in the summer time someday. for sure. :) When I prayed to get closer to God, he gave me something I super mega really didn't expect. Grabe, siz. I was given a privilege to disciple 4 girls in my campus, and 5 girls in our local church! I became part of the campus core team (who were *chef's kiss*), and even serving as one of the evangelism servant-leadership! I really had no kawala because I've became more accountable to His pips. hehe. a pleasure... Heart wise, it was so cuuuuuuuute! I'm happy these are all buried with me but, gorl! It was my first time to be asked out on a date. For clarity, I declined ah. Pero back in high school I aced that. (kaya God made sure I learned haha) Then in senior high, I protected my heart. Now, it was so funny 'cuz I only see these things in movies. hahaha. Thanks for asking me out, you. Nevertheless, I think I only got 2-3 other crush this year. The most recent ferson was the one whom I first saw on television, loved his testimony, and surprise surprise, he was on the same satelite as my campus and even friends with my team mates. His voice is already a sweet honeycomb in the summer. hihi satin lang to pls. But kidding aside, because of my mature ates and kuyas, it makes me want to be mature as well, and set, and contented in the Lord. So, when God's best come, I can be ready. for sure. :) haha. Lord, take this hart/plez

woop. already 30 mins in and I havent started on what I wanted to share. words cant rly be concise when talking about these things. >,<

Soooo, let me continue.

Recently, I've been very contemplative. Anxious, too. Because of that, I've been indecisive in many things, including on what I should be devo-ing. But the Lords says to just do it. So, I maximized the available resources and found the verse Joshua 1:8-9 for my last day of 2023.

Here are the things I realized:

Josh 1:8 is the same sa Deut 31: 8. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

"What about it?," you may ask. My answer would be, "It's all about it." It was the same promise I held on to back in my 1st year. It just make me realize how God is whispering, shouting even, the same words. It's like, "Child, listen. Just like what wanted and prayed for, I also want that. I want you to be succesful and glorify Me. That is why, I want you to be careful in doing the things I say." Amazing isn't it? Eto yung unshakable, unchanging, and constant shelter, Father, lover, and God. I also came across some verses God used to speak to me in the time I asked if I should really leave Engggg.

in all of these, God was reminding me how he was faithful in His word of last 2 years and last year, and will surely still be this year. How he speaks to me when I give my heart to linger and listen.

My vision for 2024 is to thirst for Him (psalm 63)

Part of my quiet time is look for real meaning of some words, or terms in its origin language. When I was searching about "meditate," I also saw maaaaaany verses that this kind of meditating was mentioned. <Psalm 1:2, Psalm 63:6, Psalm 77:12, Psalm 143:5, and Isaiah 33:18> All of those I read were about a person in a difficult circumstance and forgetting God's goodness yet reminding the self in faith.

That's the power of not letting this this Book of Instruction go out from one's speech and meditating or reciting it or understanding and applying it day and night. How mindful and intentional is the Lord of the littlest thing that he had to mention specific times of a person's day. Note also that it is in perfect tense meaning ~~~ an action started in the past and continues in the future ~ or so. He alone.

God wants me to be successful.

May it be not in my current definiton of it but he wants to. When I searched for what does it mean to be successful, I came across Deutoronomy 28. How beautiful is that painting of God's blessing. The only thing God is asking for His people is to love him. To love him in obedience. To ensure that I do aaaaall that is written in His word by His grace through faith, in all that I can.

This means a lot. All of the things I've written in this blog are all complains if God really wants me to to be succesfull. God is answering me now. He does.

He wants to bless me. He wants to love me with all that He can.

If only I'd allow him to.

<photo from that trip> hehe

[springcloudsmind]

How can a God both be terrifying yet loving at the same time?

Today I sat down and approached God's throne through a Sabbath rest day. I've been crying to Him about my heart's desire for a week now. But today I was done speaking. It's His turn to speak. And indeed He did.

Looking at my journal entries, I've just realized it now. God was telling me that I've been looking at what I think is best for me.

"For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” Matthew 16:23. He was asking if I'm like that still? Is He still the most important thing in my life? Am I still willing to give everything up for him? Matthew 14:44-46.

I've been crying, "Lord I want this. This makes me happy." But I haven't been asking, "Lord, do you want this? Does this makes you happy?"

What if in trying to save myself, my wants, I lose my soul. (Matthew 16:26). Yup, I know God wants to correct my heart before giving anything. But It's just in the head, I wasn't ready nor willing to give it up and act on in.

In Matthew 17:22, for sure He wasn't okay, too. But he was at peace because His eyes was on His Father. Few verses before, in verse 8, even shows His power. Boses pa lang yon. But in that passage also showed how He is just Jesus. Approachable and personal.

How can a God both be terrifying yet loving at the same time?

Today He reminded me that.

He said that He can (do what I'm praying for),... but He won't. Yet He promised that he will be glorified and that through this, people will come to believe in Him. He said that I can be sure that I am being prepared for heaven, this is not in vain. Lastly, He said He knows.

If I were to pursue Arts, I'm still uncertain of my intention. I might do it for myself. BUT If I were to stay in this course, He will be the only one seen. Yes, it would take my commitment, trust, and obedience. His last message took me away. With the thoughts in the struggle that God doesn't see it, He says He does. He knows what I'm going through. He knows the insecurities, exhaustion, and doubt. He sees. He is El Roi.

So If He's blessing me na to continue. If He's giving me another chance in this program. If His presence will be here. If I know I am held and I am His beloved. Then I will listen. I will deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him.

Now that I'll stay in Engg, He is my Banner. My Yahweh Nissi.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31.

Exodus 33:14-16 14 And he said, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” 15 And he said to him, “If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. 16 For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? Is it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?”

[springcloudsmind]

July 4, 2023 | 12:41 am

Recently because of the things going on in my life (esp. the acads), I started to ask God about things I didn’t expect to. I thought I’ve already addressed trust and hope in Him. But apparently I haven’t.

I asked if God cared. If He loves me then why didn’t he make things smooth when I applied for the course I wanted. He says He cares but why can’t I shine in the field that I like and enjoyed and dreamt of since I was little. I wasn’t asking for too much. I wanted to shine to glorify Him with my talent. I wanted to put my heart out there. But I feel suppressed. I knew I could do more than this. But my our finances stops me to. My family’s opinion shuts me out. The society’s perspective pushes me down. Due to this I’ve become hopeless. Engineering broke me. I lost myself trying to pursue what everyone wanted for me. I have become a silent chaos.

But God did. He cared. He speaks. He moves. He listens. He knows.

This is what He reminded me when I sought him in the bible that day. He continues to do so when I’m walking in the street. He embrace me when I listen to Christian music. He smiles at me when the sunlight taps my skin. He lets me rant it out when my mind is a mess. Through these moments He reminds me that He is my Father, my God, my Savior.

I wanted that program, but my one desire in this life is to be with Him. I wanted that program, but he wants me to be with Him. To go through —disappointments, exhaustion, sadness —brokenness so that I run to Him. So that I admit my limitlessness and sinfullness. He cares more to what is unseen.

1 Samuel 16:7 - Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart

I wanted to shine for the story I’ve made for myself, He wanted me to shine with His story in me. Maybe if I got what I wanted, it’ll go in my head. Like Jacob, God allowed him to go through the injustice, longing, and effort to address the problems of his heart and protect him. God delt with the root cause. Jacob didn’t immediately change for the good. In fact, he still lied a couple of times. But he was blessed. Not because of what he did but bc God was with Him. God’s grace and loved compelled him to also be gracious and love. It wasn’t easy the years after when we heard Joseph’s story, but we knew he was with God.

My hearts wasn’t completely his. So he cleared that.

Engineering didn’t break me: Engineering built me. I learned that all courses are hard but easy if i really try to. I learned to practice calculations. I learned to face my professors and classmates even when I’ve missed or failed a task in that class. I learned to be true to myself I can only do so much. I need sleep. I need an accountability partner and support system, believer and non. I need to learn to manage my finances, to eat when I’m starving, to ride the jeep when I’m tired. I need to get off my comfort zone. I need to face my fears. I need to do my part in studying cuz only then will I pass. I need to trust and be reminded of God day by day, not only on some. I need Him. I learned my ONE THING: to experience Him so that I can help others too. I need to get my ass of the bed early to cry and sort things out to God before I minister for and in Him in classes. I need to withdraw and say “no” to friends so I can give time for Him when i wasn’t able to in the morning. I need to attend classes because then will I be among the people and be compassionate through the Gospel. I need to do the hard things now if I want to have a weekend or even a vacation. I need to appreciate where I am because most people couldn’t even step on this univ. I learned to be happy for my classmates who was flying in our field even when I wasn’t. I learned that everyone is at a different pace and strengths.

I didn’t lose myself, I found it. I became aware more of my weaknesses and flaws. I discovered my wants and needs and what I didn’t. I saw my reflection in how God sees me — a saint. Sinning but not living in sin. Pressed but not crushed. Confused but not losing hope. 2 cor 4:8. This has resulted in eternal life in me. In my chaos, God found me and introduced me to me.

I wasn’t a silent chaos, I have become a resounding peace. One that is has experienced God’s unthinkable peace. One that is held in His plan. One that walks with the God of the heavens and earth, who is eternal and full of glory. If I am limited then why don’t i just trust the one who knows what will happen and what is best for me. Who sends janitors, jeep drivers, angkas drivers, classmates and his church when I turn my face away from Him. Who loves me will all that He has, even his life. Who left the 99 for me. Who continually pursue me and ask me to allow him to do so. (Hosea 3: 14)

Psalm 8:4 - What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

end 1:55am

I asked if God cared. He says He loves me enough to not make things smooth when I applied for the course I wanted.

Loc: Sunken Garden

[springcloudsmind]

✨“Stop searching for your passion | Terri Trespicio | TEDxKC”✨

📌 Learnings

[credits from comments from @nucleargemini and @heidilee1129]

"You are not going to be stuck. You are stuck now!"

[springcloudsmind]

-my view before class this morning-

Loc: by the playground

Passage: matthew 10:28-31, 38-39

✨ June 22, 2023

I enjoyed looking at this tree. It amazes me how God can be this intricate in creating this tree.

It took me from where I sat and made me see in its perspective. I am like a tree—growing. The small details are the small struggles I’m facing. Its as if I’m also growing a branch and leaves when I’m pushed out of my comfort zone. It’s foreign and I may not welcome the changes.

But the hope is that my Gardener is God. The Sovereign, Beautiful, and Risen God. Why else do I need to be afraid, when all this is His plan, power, and grace?

So, love Him in surrender, obedience, and trust.

[springcloudsmind]

✨June 21, 2023 thoughts✨

-Overview-

Application for summer classes is now up. In our univ, we call it Midyear. Basically its an “intensive course,” where we can optionally reduce the classes we’ll take for the next semester by taking it in advance.

The current problem I’m facing is I want to shift course. But my current GWA (general weighted average) doesn’t reach the required grade to transfer. Earlier my friend told me that the non-quota courses are a bit lenient. I only have to show my strong desire to pursue it, grades didn’t have to matter. (I hope so)

-me-

What I really want to pursue is in the Arts and Humanities. It’s okay wherever, I just really want to leave Engineering now.

Earlier I took a test of what I wanted to pursue. Interpersonal, musical, and intrapersonal were my top 3. Linguistic, spatial-visual, and bodily kinesthetic came next.

-problem-

I wasn’t that of an ideal student this sem, so I’m planning to take a time off and complete my INC and prepare for the shifting. But I’m also torn. Next sem I’ll be tagged as 2nd year. If I don’t maximize my “freshie prio” one last time, I’ll have a hard time applying for classes next time around. And apparently I have to complete atleast 24 units (3 units each class) to stay in the university. Hahahuhu. Iyak tawa tlga.

-possible solution-

Hm… Should I take a time off? It will be a best to:

1. Finish my unfinished research papers.

2. Prepare my portfolio, interview answers, and self to shift to Art related courses. And dorm applications.

3. Gain more information about the courses I’m eye-ing.

4. Get back on healthy habits. Recalibrate my heart with God. GLCs. Food, exercise, evangelism and study plans.

5. Do wat i luv one last time before I go beastmode in acads —- vlogging/blogging, composing, dcipling, organizing posts and videos. IG. Haha.

6. Earn. By editing my tita’s long delayed YT vids, helping with my papa’s song recording, providing more hands to my mama’s new small business.

To maximize the freshie prio, I can maybe take atleast one PE and GE (general course).

-Ending-

I’ll consult my program adviser and our univ rules if I can rest (this way) this midsem. Hopefully I can. But if not, no choice, beb.

Should I study over the summer? A guide for college students

The arrival of summer brings visions of relaxation, adventure, and a break from academic responsibilities. As a college student, you may find yourself questioning whether it's necessary or beneficial to study during the summer months. This guide aims to help you make an informed decision about whether you should study over the summer, considering various factors that might influence your choice.

Assess Your Academic Goals: Start by evaluating your academic goals and aspirations. Consider the following questions:

Do you want to maintain a high GPA or improve your grades?

Are you pursuing a competitive major or planning for graduate school?

Do you have any courses or subjects you struggled with during the previous academic year?

If your answers indicate a strong commitment to academic excellence, dedicating some time to summer study might be beneficial.

2. Reflect on Personal Motivation: Self-motivation plays a crucial role in successful summer studying. Ask yourself:

Am I disciplined enough to stick to a study schedule during the summer?

Will studying over the summer help me stay intellectually engaged?

Do I genuinely enjoy learning and want to explore subjects beyond my regular coursework?

If you possess the necessary motivation and enthusiasm, studying over the summer can be a rewarding experience.

3. Consider the Nature of Your Courses: The type of courses you are taking or planning to take can influence your decision to study over the summer. Here are some scenarios to consider:

Prerequisite courses: If you have prerequisite courses to complete before advancing in your major, summer study might help you stay on track.

Intensive courses: Some universities offer condensed summer courses, allowing you to complete credits more quickly. Consider whether this option aligns with your goals and interests.

Online courses: If you prefer a flexible study schedule and have reliable internet access, taking online courses over the summer can be an advantageous choice.

4. Evaluate Financial Considerations: Summer study opportunities may come with associated costs. Weigh the financial implications by considering the following:

Tuition fees: Determine if the cost of summer courses fits within your budget or if scholarships and financial aid options are available.

Living expenses: If you plan to take courses away from home, factor in the cost of accommodation, transportation, and other living expenses.

5. Explore Internship and Job Opportunities: Summer break also offers opportunities for internships and part-time jobs. Consider the benefits of gaining practical experience and building your professional network. Reflect on how these opportunities align with your long-term goals and weigh them against the benefits of summer study.

Balance with Personal Well-being: Remember the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Consider these factors:

Rest and rejuvenation: Taking time off during the summer can help you recharge, destress, and prevent burnout.

Pursuing personal interests: Use the summer to explore hobbies, travel, and spend quality time with friends and family.

Conclusion: Deciding whether to study over the summer ultimately depends on your individual circumstances, goals, and priorities. Evaluate your academic needs, personal motivation, and financial considerations while keeping a healthy work-life balance in mind. Remember that summer can be a valuable time for personal growth, exploration, and self-care. By making an informed decision, you can optimize your summer break and set yourself up for success in the upcoming academic year.

[springcloudsmind]

-from the show i watched yesterday-

Song title: “sol at luna” by “geiko”

June 20, 2023

I heard you’ve found a new girl

You’ve disposed the girl u disposed me for

Hope you’re happy. Your posts says so.

But I’ve grown too far, I don’t wanna care anymore

I’m happy for you

But hope you’ve stopped with your experimentations

Stop hurting women when to another you’ve moved on

We were there, it was nice.

You were a nice lover

But once things get tough i hope u hold onto her

Cause u didnt to me, u didnt

Would be better when on the first place u didn’t