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I took a 1,113 day hiatus but I’m baaaaack.

hi bb sorry I’m late. Got caught up in the ebbs and flows, the wind and snows, the seeds and blooms of this pretty thing called life.

time is a mental construct, anyway.

Let’s boogie.

Keith Haring ‘Dancing Flower’

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*this post inspired by chicken nuggets*

Wadddddddup friends, family, and foe. Yes, this post was really, truly, essentially inspired by the chicken nuggets I have cookin’ atm. I had a deep realization this evening that I probably can’t eat chicken nuggets forever. Not because of aging metabolism or any health reason but like, if I have kids some day and I’m in the kitchen making chicken nuggets for myself and my kid walks in and asks what I’m making, I’d have to tell them “chicken nuggets. And they’re for me, not you” like that would just be awkward. So I’ll probably have to give up chicken nuggets some day. Which is depressing.

Anyway, I haven’t shared any thoughts on here in a MINUTE. so sorry. A lotttta stuff’s happened in the past 10 months. I live in LA now. New job, apt, friends, experiences, water. The water here smells weird. Besides that, it’s chill.

I just spent my first Halloweekend away from home. Home being: Anoka, the Halloween Capital of the World. Yeah, Wikipedia that shit. I ain’t lyin’. My coworker friend invited me to a party that a production company was putting on in Santa Monica. It was dope. The best part was there were 5 different themed rooms. One was a movie room with furry carpets and spooky Halloween video content playing. Another had pretty blue lights hanging everywhere. I took it upon myself to ask a guy dressed up as the clown “IT” to take a selfie in the blue room. I fucking hate clowns. I must’ve been on drugs. (that was a joke, Mom and Dad).

So there’s a lovely photo of me in my Halloween costume (I’ll spare you the clown photo because it’s terrifying). I’m Dr. Azumi Fujita from that new Netflix show, Maniac. The one with Emma Stone and Jonah Hill. You haven’t seen it yet? Well, fuck. So yeah, I’m still taking my Halloween costumes v seriously. Nothing much has changed on that front. Oh and going to a pumpkin patch tomorrow. With inflatable slides and stuff. V v excited. 

Anyway, it feels like too much of an undertaking to assign myself the task of summarizing all of life’s happenings over the last 10 months right now. Perhaps I’ll get around to it soon. Just thought I’d flex the ol’ writing muscle again and try to make a habit of posting regularly.

Some themes present in my life currently: aging, self-love, giving up fuckboys, alignment, and therapy.

Any of these might make for a good writing topic in the upcoming weeks.

Gonna go get my chicken nugz out of the oven now. Oh, and Vikings just scored a touchdown. SKOOOOOL.

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There's no truer thing I've known than love.

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Weekly Vibe 12/22/17

Thoughts and Links to things I’ve been enjoying over the past few days

Musicz

Should somebody call the fire dept??? Because the rap industry is literally exploding with new singles and albums to explore and they are HOT. I’m a lil sweaty just thinking about it.

Last night, Travis Scott and Quavo dropped their much anticipated collab album titled Huncho Jack, Jack Huncho and IT IS PERFECTION. “Saint” is a great track to start with, especially if you glorified the Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight album as much as I.

Next playlist worth mentioning is: Quality Control: Control the Streets Volume 1. I recently learned Quality Control is a new Atlanta-based record label with Migos and Lil Yachty amongst the artists in their squad. The record label dropped a 30 track “playlist” on December 8th and it’s packed with catchy tracks featuring Migos, Nicki Minaj, Cardi B, Gucci Mane, and other huge rap names. My favorite track is “Movin Up” by Lil Yachty and Ty Dolla $ign. Just wish the track was a bit longer ;(

Another fabulous album front-to-back is G-Eazy’s latest The Beautiful & Damned. I was pleasantly surprised with this one. “Legend” “The Beautiful & Damned” and “But a Dream” are some of the best tracks IMO.

Alright switching musical gears to not-rap. Everyone needs to blast Louis the Child’s latest single “Last to Leave” at their next social gathering. It’s the perfect blend of dance-y, funky and chill.

The last song I’ll mention this week “liability (demo)” by Tove Styrke. If any of y’all loved Lorde’s newest album, indulge in this cover.

Readz

Gonna link this article authored by Esther Perel: https://ideas.ted.com/how-tech-has-transformed-how-we-connect-and-reject-in-the-digital-age/

As I mentioned in my last post, Esther Perel is a queen. And technology has, no doubt, transformed the modern dating scene both positively and negatively. It’s easier than ever for us to connect with potential suitors. But the endless array of options leaves us feeling overwhelmed with possibilities. And it also leads us to cast people aside based on perceived incompatibilites. I know I was guilty of this when I was using the Bumble app. A guy’s bio mentions he likes country music? Left swipe. His photos show him in hunting gear, posing next to a slain deer? Left swipe. My biggest learning in the past few months, is how important it is to approach my romantic relationships with mindfulness. No more “ghosting” or “icing” people. Playing games with people. If I want to attract someone who respects my ideas, my time, my feelings, I need to emit the same vibes. So far, it’s made me a much happier and honest person. Kind of excited to see what this energy brings in 2018.

Quotez/Postz

“Your deepest pain is your greatest gift if you learn how to use it.”  –Tony Robbins

And finally, finishing this post off with more memorable IG photos that came through my feed dis week (the baby photo of Drake made my entire year):

Until next time, Kalei

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Weekly Vibe 12/8/17

The first post in a weekly series of Thoughts and Links to things I’ve been enjoying over the past few days

 Readz

I’m currently pushing my way through The State of Affairs by Esther Perel. This woman is eloquent in every sense of the word. She expands discussion on the topic of infidelity, a topic that is often considered taboo in our country. I recommend this book to anyone, regardless of relationship status. As Esther points out, every single one of us will be affected by infidelity in some way during the course of our lives. We may find ourselves in the position of the cheater, the cheated, or the support system of someone who’s cheated/been cheated on. Adding to the importance of this topic is the fact that technology makes it even easier to cheat today than it did 15 years ago. Esther does not seek to justify infidelity through this book but rather open up new avenues of understanding on an emotionally charged and complex topic. If you value human relationships at all, I suggest giving this book a read.

Musicz

Are y’all familiar with Spotify’s ‘Your Top Songs of 2017’ functionality? If you’re not, GET FAMILIAR. Every year in December, Spotify compiles a list of your top 100 most listened to songs from the past 12 months and you can save down the list as your very own playlist. How fucking cool????? I get to have all my favy songs in one place with zero effort. Go download your own playlist and cue the nostalgia*~*~

Albumz/Songz I was pleasantly surprised by the catchiness and fluidity of Miguel’s new album War and Leisure… my fav song is obvz “Sky Walker” ft. my love Travis Scott *insert heart eyes emoji*

Sage the Gemini –  “Grip”

G-Eazy and Halsey’s collab – “Him and I”

San Holo – “Light” (I’m late to the party on San Holo, sue me)

Also going to casually mention that I’m avoiding Taylor Swift’s new album for as long as I can. No reason in particular. Just NOTAFAN.

 Podcastz

“The Answers to My Favorite Questions” –The Tim Ferriss Show

In this episode, my all-time favorite podcaster, Tim Ferriss, provides his own answers to some of his favorite questions to ask each of his podcast guests during interviews. Some of the questions he answers include “What book do you gift the most to others?” “What purchase of $100 or less has most impacted your life?” If you’re new to the work of Tim Ferriss, this might be a great podcast episode to start with

     2. “TSR in Conversation – That’s So Retrograde

In this episode, Elizabeth Kott and Steph Simbari make space for Ruthie Lindsey to share her story of finding true happiness despite living with chronic pain; if you’re looking to add a dose of inspiration to your life this week, this ep is 4 U

Quotez/Postz

 “People find more security in an MBA than a relationship”  –  Esther Perel

 “You are an average of the 5 people you associate with the most”  – Tim Ferriss, quote from podcast ep linked above 

Finishing this post off with a couple of memorable IG photos that came through my feed:

Alright, that’s all I have for this week! Thnx for reading along. The goal of these Weekly Vibe posts is two-part. First, it’s a great way for me to organize and reflect on everything I’ve learned and been exposed to in the past few days. Second, it provides you readers with a short list of content recommendations that you can use at your leisure. I invite conversation on any of the content I write about. If you decide to pick up a copy of The State of Affairs or have thoughts on Miguel’s new album i wanna kno :) 

Cheers, Kalei

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Spring Travels: California State of Mind

Nothing screams #GirlsTrip more than spending a few days in Los Angeles with your bestie followed by a road trip to the valley to attend the music festival of all festivals: Coachella. Side note - I hear that the very first flower crown known to humankind was handcrafted on these sacred festival grounds, don’t let the history books tell you otherwise.

Now that I’ve gained your trust with my factual knowledge, let’s dive into this trip in detail. 

We flew directly from MSP into LAX. Yes, LAX is as much of a clusterfuck as you’d expect. However, we navigated the airport with surprising ease and were able to pick up our car rental directly from one of the baggage claim areas. For car rental, we used Turo which I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend. It’s like Airbnb but for cars. We were able to rent a 2015 Ford Mustang for 7 days for less than $200 (insurance included).

After we picked up the car, we drove about 20 min over to Santa Monica to grab lunch at the pier. We ate at The Albright which is a delicious casual seafood joint right by the beach. Meghan had a tuna melt and I had fish tacos. Both meals were v good. We spent the better part of the afternoon exploring the pier and surrounding beach. 

We rode the Ferris wheel as every tourist should and debated whether we had enough time left in our parking meter to rent bikes and ride down to Venice Beach for ice cream (lesson learned: you do have enough time, don’t doubt yourself). In our case, we drove over to Venice and along Abbott Kinney Blvd to get ice cream at Salt and Straw. This ice cream place was recommended to me by an LA local and omg does this girl knows her dairy products. I had literally the best/most unique ice cream I’ve ever tasted, which consisted of a double scoop of 1. Honey Lavender and 2. Chocolate Gooey Brownie. We enjoyed our ice cream while window shopping the cute lil shops on Abbot Kinney and pausing to snap some pics at this very Instagrammable wall:

I want to mention that we had to wait approx. 5 min to use this wall because a group of 14 year old girls was passing around a $1,000 camera taking various photos for the insta. I bet they have more followers than us too. Sigh.

After the ice cream, we drove back to Santa Monica to meet at my friend D Will’s place. He’s a friend from college who moved out to LA last September. He took us up to Malibu for a short sunset hike then back into town for some tacos at Benny’s Tacos. He emphasized the importance of trying local tacos while you’re in Santa Monica and after seeing for ourselves, I will emphasize the importance of trying local tacos while you’re in Santa Monica. We pre-gamed back at D Will’s then ventured out to a bar called The Bungalow. This bar was recommended to me by that same LA local and yeah this bar is kickass. It’s got a hip, nautical vibe. The drinks are a lil pricey but fuck it, we’re on vacation. We hung out, drank, met some dudes from Greece, and then called it a night.

The next morning, we said goodbye to D Will and made our way over to Dogtown Coffee for locally-produced Caramel Macchiattos and acai bowls. 

Truth bomb: I still don’t know how to pronounce acai. I’m pretty sure you need to know how to say it in order to become an LA resident though. It’s like a rite of passage. After b-fast, we picked up a bottle of white wine and headed over to the most amazing beach I’ve ever stepped foot on: El Matador State Beach.

Look how prettttttttttty it issssssssssssssss! No 4 real. After beaching it up in Malibu, we stopped for sushi at Bui Sushi (for those who want great sushi but don’t wanna pay Nobu prices) and then made our way to WEST HOLLYWOOD.

I gotta pause here and mention that our night in WeHo was like something out of a movie. Buckle your seatbelts.

We chose a cute lil Airbnb that was strategically walking distance to the Pump and SUR restaurants. Confession: I am a huge Vanderpump Rules fan so it was important 2 me that we check these places out while we were in LA. We had reservations at Pump for dinner so naturally we dressed up extra AF. 

Dinner was expectedly overpriced but the ambiance was fun and we met this really cool middle-aged couple dining at the table next to us and they even invited us to fly out and stay in their summer house in the Hamptons sometime (which we should prob follow up on, right???). After dinner, we walked a couple blocks down to SUR so that I could fan girl on the Vanderpump Rules cast members. We were successful in this endeavor. I met Arianna, James, Lala, and Scheana, while enjoying some drinks at their front bar. SUR also has this really fun ‘photo booth’ thing which Meghan and I took full advantage of. After a couple drinks at SUR, we decided we wanted to DaNcEeEeeeeeeeee. We asked the bouncer what was close by. He suggested we walk back towards Pump and hit up The Abbey which is a gay bar about a block away. We took him up on this suggestion. THIS BAR WAS NEXT LEVEL. They had sexy go-go dancer men hanging from the ceilings, drag queens performing for the masses. People were coming up to us asking if we were famous simply because of our extra AF outfits. We were not prepared for this shit. In addition to the inherent craziness of this bar, we also happened across more reality TV stars. We spent the remainder of our night hanging out with some of the cast from MTV’s Are You The One? and even exchanged phone numbers. You can basically consider us D-list celebrities at this point. This night ended with us hailing a Lyft back to our Airbnb and PTFO.

The next morning, we had hangovers and a craving for In-N-Out Burger so we indulged. If you’re ever traveling to a state with an In-N-Out, YOU NEED TO CHECK IT OUT. I don’t care how basic you feel. Instagram celebs are right on this one: they are truly the king of fast food burgers. Read this article that ranks all their secret menu items. Neapolitan shakes and animal-style double double’s. Life changing stuff.

After soaking up the booze via fried foodz, it was finally time to embark on the 3 hour drive to Coachella Valley. I considered reviewing the festival in this same post but I mean it’s ~*CoAcHeLLa*~. Coachella deserves its own post.

In summary, Los Angeles is a wild, crazy fun time. It’s a city that everyone needs to experience at least once. Because it’s huuuuge and the traffic is heavy, I suggest mapping out the neighborhoods and points of interest you want to see ahead of time. We were able to cover a lot of LA ground simply by planning ahead (Santa Monica, Venice, Malibu, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills). Hope you enjoyed this post/find it helpful next time you’re in Lala Land! 

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The Upside Down.

HEY guys it’s me again. Sorry it’s been a few months.

Update on life: dealing with a bunch of feelingz and relationship probz Reason for this post: dealing with a bunch of feelingz and relationship probz (per usual)

So ya, basically I’m out here in Nov 2017 trying to make sense of the latest happenings in my life. And this time around, it feels appropriate to name my current situation The Upside Down. For all those familiar with the Netflix series Stranger Things (and if u aren’t familiar, then ur existence offends me) there is a parallel universe called The Upside Down. On the show, The Upside Down is creepy and evil but in my own Upside Down world everything looks relatively normal except there is one fundamental difference: I’m on the opposite side of my most familiar relationship problems. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.

Okay I know that’s vague so let me elaborate a lil. I’m not exactly great at relationships. I had my heart broken by my first serious boyfriend several years ago and I’ve been kinda “damaged” ever since. And by damaged I really just mean I have deep-seated vulnerability issues. I find it fucking terrifying to open up to someone. I will avoid it at all costs. Peep this meme below:

My best friend laughed her ass off for literal minutes as she gasped for enough air to tell me that this meme describes me to a T. Lol sew funny rite??? Anyway, being emotionally closed off means I will usually find a reason to cut someone out of my life before they can cut me out. I’d rather hurt someone than be the wounded.

Which brings me to The Upside Down. The tables have turned on me y’all. For the first time in possibly ever, I have semi-successfully opened up to and been vulnerable with someone who, after several months, unexpectedly found a reason to cut me off. I’m shook.

I mean I really really like this guy. I felt instant chemistry from the moment we met and over the past few months of getting to know him, I feel like I’ve been tuning into another version of myself. Has anyone else ever met someone for the first time but simultaneously felt like they’ve known this person their whole lives? It’s so weird. But also unique and wonderful.

Anyway, enough with the gushing. My name is Kalei and I live in The Upside Down now. I’ve never been here before. It’s a confusing place and I’d like to find my way out if poss. Does anyone have a map key? Night goggles?

Well until I find my way out, you can find me listening to moody breakup songs and buying Halo Top ice cream. Because much health but also v sad.

Advice/hugs/bottles of wine welcome.

XO, Me

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okaaaaay...

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Understood.

Isn’t that what we all want in life - to feel understood?

I had dinner/drinks with a couple friends tonight and we were discussing our thoughts on compatibility and what we’re looking for in a partner. I ended up spending ~20 minutes reading each of them their astrological birth charts. For those unfamiliar, a birth chart is drawn from the exact date, time, and location of a person’s birth and is supposed to provide a revealing glimpse into this person’s character based on the positions of the planets and astrological houses during the time of birth. I know many people are skeptical and critical of astrology, believing that the day they were born has no influence on their personality or compatibility with other people. I’m sympathetic of these skeptics, but I firmly believe that the positioning of things in the Universe on the day I was born into fucking existence (or existence as I know it) has to have some influence on the type of human I am. We are all a part of the Universe, are we not?

Anywayzzzzz, I spent a good amount of our dinner reading tidbits of my friends’ birth charts and was met with complete attentiveness. This was interesting to me, as my friends are somewhat skeptical of astrology. I checked in with them throughout each of their readings to see if they felt like what I was reading was relatable or described them. They both agreed that most of what I read was true of themselves. It also occurred to me that perhaps this total attentiveness comes from a place of wanting to feel understood. I mean, when I read through my own birth chart, I’m like OMG THIS IS SO ME. WOW SOMEONE GETS ME. IT ALL MAKES SENSE. I AM THIS WAY AND THIS IS WHY. It simply leaves me feeling more self-aware. Which is good.

After dinner, I came home and did a lil Googling of astrology, trying to get more insight on its history and the positions of the people who reject it. I stumbled across something interesting: research reveals that among the general public there are still many people who are only aware of astrology sun-sign columns in the press, or shocking predictions headlined in the tabloids, and who therefore reject it. Nevertheless, these columns are usually one of the most frequently read parts of newspapers and magazines.

The point I’m making, is that there are a whole lotta humans who are deriving some value from reading their astrology/horoscopes. I find that interesting enough to write an entire blog post about it (which U R CURRENTLY READING :) ) and reflect on why that might be.

To me, it seems that people want to understand themselves and feel understood by others on a deep, integral level. I know I do.

If this is the case, then it makes sense to me that the friendships and romantic relationships I pursue all contain an element that contributes to me feeling understood. At my new job, my closest and fastest friend was the only other 20-something on my team who enjoys similar music, food, and general life experiences. Coincidence? Nah. I pursued this friendship because I feel connected to and understood by this person. We grew up in the same generation. We relate to our jobs in a similar way.

And the guy I’m currently hung up on; I like him because his sense of humor mirrors mine, we have shared friends and interests, and we relate to the world in a similar way. And that’s super important.

As I wrap this post up, I hope this provides some food for thought. How present is the theme of feeling understood in your own life? Do you seek it in yourself and all of your relationships?

Thank you and Goodnight.

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To remain Friends or not to remain Friends: That is the question

So you have a friend. We’ll call him Brad. And after a while, you realize you have feelings for Brad. And then some months go by, laced with experiences of inner conflict and indecisiveness about whether to tell Brad that you’re feeling some type of way. And then eventually you get to a point where you’re feeling courageous enough to admit your feelings to Brad. And you hope (expect) these feelings to be reciprocated by him. Because that’s how it goes in the movies, right?

But to your own shock and disappointment, your dear old friend Reality knocks you flat on your ass with a “Nah, girl I’m not looking for anything serious but I do really want to stay friends because I like having you in my life.” And suddenly you’re met with the decision to:

1.      Continue a friendship with this person

2.      Cut ties with this person

Does this sound like a familiar situation to any other girl/boy/human? Oh god, I hope I’m not alone.

Growing up, I was always searching for the definitive right answer to everything. For the objective questions like “What’s the answer to Question 12 on the Psychology Exam Study Guide and “What’s the cheapest airline to fly to LA for Coachella?” to more subjective questions like “I’m unhappy in my current job, what should I do?” I treated subjective and objective situations the same. I legitimately thought that if I asked enough friends or family members, that I would unlock the Golden Answer Key to all of life’s questions.

It only took me 26 years to figure out that many of the situations we encounter in life are tough to navigate and there is really no right or wrong answer – there isn’t a fast track to love, happiness, and successful relationships. And in the case of Dilemma #1 above, it might not be immediately clear what the best decision is going to be. And that’s okay.

I’m learning that while the answer might not be clear, being honest with myself is the only step I need to honor in the process of figuring out what to do.

Repressing the feelings I had for Brad for months (years tbh) was not staying true to myself and ultimately prevented inner peace. And there was a freeing quality to just the initial admission of feelings. But now, I’m in the next phase. I’m being honest with myself about the pros and cons of either continuing a friendship or cutting ties with Brad. Some of the benefits of our friendship include a shared sense of humor. When I find a really obscure meme online I want to send, I know he will understand why I find it funny. Do I want to give that up? On the other hand, continuing a friendship within Brad sounds hard. It hurts to know someone I care about doesn’t feel the same about me. And keeping him in my life could be a reminder of that.

To remain friends or not to remain friends? That is still the question. So long as I’m being respectful of and honest with myself through the process, I have peace in not knowing the answer yet.

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Success on my own terms

I woke up today feeling extra great. 

And if you spoke to me six months ago, you would’ve seen that I was deeply unhappy. 

What changed?

The biggest change in my life was getting a new job. And through that change, I had the willpower and courage to change a lot of other aspects of my life that weren’t working for me. Before I get into those though, I want to paint you a pretty lil picture of my life before. Because from society’s point of view I was actually doing quite well.

I looked up the definition of “success” on Google and these are 2 of 3 definitions the internet spit out.

“Popularity, profit, achieving desired aims, prosperity”

Okay cool. A few months ago, I was working for one of the largest accounting firms in the world. I had studied hard and passed my CPA exams, finally getting to add those three little letters to the end of my name on LinkedIn. I had job security and planned advancement in the firm. I was getting paid above my peers and able to travel a fair amount for work. All of my coworkers were my age and smart as hell so you could objectively say I was in good company. 

But... I wasn’t happy. Not even a little bit. And in the wise words of 50 Cent: “Damn, baby all I need is a lil bit.” Of happiness that is. 

Now I’m gonna drop a truth bomb.

My job required me to work painfully long hours in intensely cramped quarters. Picture 14 hour days, for 4 months a year, in 1 room with 8 people sitting shoulder to shoulder on their laptops. I ate dinner at work 4 nights a week. I came in to the office on Saturdays. At the end of a workday, my brain would be buzzzzzzzing from overstimulation.

During this time, my health (physical and mental) took a backseat. I didn’t work out. I didn’t eat healthy. I gained 10 pounds. I was taking anxiety meds, sometimes twice a day. I was drinking and partying on the weekends to forget the frightening reality of my workweek. Ever heard of the “Sunday Scaries?” I was the poster child. Eventually, this snowballed into full on depression. 

I knew something had to change. For awhile, I blamed myself. I convinced myself I was just being ungrateful. I mean, this is what I had gone to college and gotten a degree for. I’m living the dream. Maybe, I just needed an attitude adjustment?

I know now that the answer lied beyond that. I needed to create physical change in my environment or I was going to crash and burn. So a couple months ago, I started looking for a new job. This process was quick and easy, which I attribute to the prestige of working for a big accounting firm. It’s a resume booster.

And now. I’m one month into my new job, loving it and life again. I’m still in accounting, but I have work/life balance. I get to leave at fucking 4pm everyday. If you’ve ever worked in public accounting or a similar work environment, you know that’s huge. I have time to work out. I have time to get groceries and cook food that makes me feel good. My cat gets to see me. I get 8 hours of sleep.

In addition to all of those things that contribute to my physical health, I am nourishing my mind. I’ve found a few health/wellness podcasts that I vibe with. I’m reading every day. I just bought my first set of crystals to use in meditation and to grow further in my spiritual practice. I’m writing/journaling again. Through this, I’ve had mental clarity. It’s given me the courage to be vulnerable again. I admitted feelings for someone that I had been hiding for over two years. It was incredibly freeing. 

Now, earlier in this post I gave you 2 of 3 Google definitions of success. And here is the third:

This definition aligns more closely with my idea of success. To me, my purpose in life is to learn, to grow, and to be happy. If I can accomplish that, I’ve experienced success.

In this world, a lot of people will attempt to define your idea of success. Don’t listen to them. Listen to yourself. You know what’s best for yourself. Honor that and I wholeheartedly believe you will be successful.

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