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starlostnfound · 4 months ago

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Step into the night light and let it go.

Genre: Angst, a little bit of comfort. Bittersweet ending.

Warning: None really, tears, break up.

A/N: This is my first post and one of the first things I've written in years, I'm open and grateful for any feedback, and requests. Hope you like it.

Word count: 919

The night is heavy, your heart is heavier. In a way that has become the norm. In the way that your heart is already halfway out the door. It’s the waiting that weighs on your soul, it’s the guilt that wears you out. Not knowing if what you want to do it’s the right thing, even though deep down, you do know, you already know.

So, instead of facing it, you do what you always do. You sit curled up on the faded couch in the studio, the dent on it perfectly shaped for your body now. Of all the nights you’ve spent waiting for him to notice you, to remember you exist outside of the tracks where he always loses himself on. The monitors are dim. The speakers hum low, like a haunting reminder that it’s 3 am, that you should be home instead, curled up in bed with him. But you’re here. And Chan… he’s across from you, sitting on the floor with his arms draped over his knees, watching you. He knows too. But he doesn’t speak on it, he rarely does. He won’t try to fix it, he doesn’t know how. He just watches you, like he’s trying to engrave your face in his mind.

“Say it”, you whisper, comes out like a plea, because it is. “Say something. Anything. Please.”

Chan throws his head back and looks up to the ceiling like it holds all the answers, then closes his eyes for a second, as if the weight in your chest mirrored the one on his too. When he brings his eyes back to you, his eyes are glassy and he’s smiling, the kind of bittersweet smile that holds a hundred words and a thousand memories. It’s a green light, it’s a goodbye.

“I think,” he says, voice low and shaky, “you…” he stops and swallows a knot forming on his throat, “we already know what you have to do. What you are going to do, baby.”

The sound of the nickname on his lips is enough to make your throat close up and well up tears in your eyes. It hangs in the air too heavy. It feels too final. It is. You blink a couple of times, taking it in. Then drag your gaze up to him. “Then why does it hurt so much?”

His smile softens almost into a grimace and he sniffles, then for a moment, he looks so heartbreakingly resigned that it nearly undoes you completely. “Because it matters.” he says, “Because we had something, something real. Because you mattered here. You matter to me.”

You shake your head, squeezing your hands into fists in your lap. “Chan, don’t… Please don’t make it harder.”

But Chan pushes up off the floor and crosses the room to you anyway. He crouches down in front of you, close enough that you can feel the warmth of him in the cold AC air of the studio. Close enough that if you reached out, you could tangle your fingers in his hair like you’ve done countless times before. Close enough that if he asks you to stay, to try one more time, you would.

But he doesn’t ask. And you don’t offer either.

Instead, Chan cups your face so carefully you almost do, almost. His thumbs brush at your cheekbones like you are the most precious thing in this world, and to him, you are. His forehead presses against yours, and for a long moment, there’s only the sound of both of your breathing, heavy, trembling holding on.

“You’re allowed to go,” he says, so quietly that it feels like he’s talking straight to your soul. “You’re allowed to want more, baby. More than I can give to you. You’re allowed to chase it. Even if it means leaving me behind.”

Your chest aches and tears roll down your cheeks and get lost on his fingertips. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“I know,” he breathes. “But you’ve already given up so much. You need to leave for you.”

You close your eyes. Because if you open them, you know you’ll break. Because if you open them, you’ll beg him to give you a reason to stay. But he already has. He is the reason. Because he loves you enough to let you go.

When you finally open your eyes, tears are rolling down Chan’s cheeks too. He tries to blink them away, still smiling with that same quiet, heartbreaking, shattered smile.

You whisper, “Will you still think of me?”

Chan huffs a laugh that’s almost a sob. “I’ll think of you every time I breathe, every time I close my eyes, for the rest of my life.”

He leans in, just enough to press kiss on your lips, soft and slow, like it holds all his love. It’s not desperate, it’s a goodbye. It’s a promise. “You’re going to do beautiful things, baby,” he says, his voice cracking a little. “I’ll be cheering for you. Always.”

You don’t say goodbye when you leave. You just carry him with you. In your ribs, in your blood, in every night sky you’ll see, in the spaces between every note you’ll ever sing.

Because sometimes love isn’t about staying. Sometimes it’s about giving someone the courage to fly even if it’s away from you. And tonight, Chan gave you that.

You walk out into the night with your head high, your heart heavy but free, and what you’ve always dreamed of finally waiting for you.

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