stb042896

[stb042896]

December 1, 2017

Hey everyone. Its gonna be weird and challenging to get back into this, but here goes.

I still felt under the weather today, and I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Not sure if thats due to whatever this is, or the hangover, or I’m emotionally drained. But After sleeping a lot yesterday, I slept from midnight until around 9 this morning. Then I slept from around 930-1130 and I was just so out of it, and no appetite, and just no. So I called out. Sabrina and I were thinking of going to the Jingle Ball anyway, so it worked. Spoiler alert: I didn't. She did. It was just out of my budget. But Ive been listening to it streaming.

So I slept again from like 1230-230 ish. I really don't remember what I spent the evening doing. I showered so thats pretty productive. When it became clear I wouldn't be going to the show, I decided to get out of the house. I felt depressed today. I got in n out and sat in the parking lot eating it, and I started listening to the stream of Jingle Ball. I drove down to PCH and got a Blizzard and drove for a while down by the beach. it wasn't as calming as I thought it’d be. I just need to get my mind off of everything. I need to clear my mind of everyone. I need to focus on myself only. I know the whatever god there is works in mysterious ways and I need to remember that better things are coming for me. I need to trust that all this emotional pain is going to be worth it. I’m going to look back and realize why things had to work out this way.

[stb042896]

New

Hi. It is November 30, 2017. I kept saying I would come back and update, but it’s just so far behind there’s no way to catch up. So, it’s been a while. Things have been an absolute rollercoaster.  Since I’ve lasted posted, I moved out of my Mission Viejo house and moved into the upstairs of Mema’s in Huntington Beach. It was the first time Ciera and I lived with each other and it was the most exciting part of our lives together. We lived in Mema’s house from August until February, where we got our first apartment with our new kitties, Dash and Oliver. We met some roommates, they were a couple and one worked for Disney for several years. They were strangers, but seeing as one was from Disney and in a long term relationship, we felt assured. In October 2016, Ciera confessed she was confused about her gender. She told me when we were showering together. Knowing Ciera, this was just talk. She has always been low on self esteem and I didn’t think much of it. That month, she chopped off ALL of her long, beautiful waist-length hair. I absolutely hated it. I was not attracted to her like I was beforehand. More, she was very confused about her gender and this was stressful on the both of us. I understood where she was coming from, but it felt like she didn’t understand where I was coming from. This blindsided me. I felt like she was changing herself into someone I didn’t know for 3 years. I fell in love with someone different, and she was changing right in front of me. We stuck it out, though. It was very hard for me to even think of her becoming male. But I loved her so much. I would’ve done anything for her. After we got the kittens, we decided to move. It was abrupt, and Ciera never mentioned she wasn’t ready or wasn’t able. Looking back, perhaps we shouldnt have. She didnt seem fully matured enough to live on her own, but she was improving, and I had faith. Apartment life was great....amazing leasing agents, beautiful pools, jacuzzis, fitness center, clubhouse, the whole community....until it wasn’t great anymore. My roommates became unraveled. They were very immature for being 30 years old, and things got bad. I said things on social media they didn’t like, and it became a threat for them to move out or they would take things to the authorities/my job. Looking back, this was utter bullshit. Empty threats for my endless anxiety. They moved out around August. Things with Ciera had been bad. We had fights, bad ones, she did things that were unforgivable, but I continued to forgive her because I loved her and would’ve done anything to get us back on track. We went through a lot of stress to find new roommates. By the Grace of God, my cousin and her 4 year old got approved to live with us! It was going to be the ABSOLUTE BEST. We were all gonna be best friends, my cousins would be over, Ciera’s sisters would be over, it would be so fun!| I asked Ciera, when she said she had plans, to PLEASE not have plans on the day we had to move our stuff into the new room. She was okay with that. We had to clean the house before the girls moved in. This was the final turnpoint. She wasn’t home all day. Veronica came over and did everything me and Ciera were supposed to do. Ciera lied. She was at some girl’s apartment all day. Mind you, Ciera had been getting home from work past 1 AM when the parks were NOT in peak. She wouldn’t answer when I would call. That terrified me. I thought she wasn’t safe. But, she just lied. She was cheating. We weren’t together since March, when she left me at home on our 3 year anniversary, but we had every intention of making it work. Until this. She changed overnight. Completely abandoned me as if I was nothing. She turned stonewall. No expression. I cried and begged and needed answers. I confronted her that night; me and Veronica went out with Claire and Francesca. She admitted it. We knew the exact name of the apartments. She was caught. From there it got worse and worse. She became shadier. She was lying and not being herself. She was completely changed by this new person she was seeing, and by her new group of “friends”. Not good influences.  The next few months were torture. I was at my lowest low. Absolutely heartbroken. It wasn’t be anymore. I was completely blindsided. Her words were awful, and she accused me of domestic abuse. While on vacation with Claire, she threatened me with a restraining order. I rather encouraged her to do that because you can't use a restraining order to get out of a lease. She knew she had no evidence, because I’m not an abuser, so she never went through with it. She broke me to the most I could've been broken. But I was seeing someone new, and she instilled in me a newfound confidence I’m not sure I had. For once, I started to see myself as beautiful, and I felt so capable. More than I’ve ever been. I could feel myself making a 360. I felt good. I had someone to share new things with, share the holidays with, learn alongside. We were okay not labeling us. She understood and respected I wasn't ready for a relationship. I had to repair myself before I could think about being in a committed relationship with someone else. We started creating new memories, and creating future plans. The other night, as I was drunk out of my mind and vomiting over a toilet, she broke it off with me. She thought she was fine sharing me, if i dated anyone else (i wasn’t), but she wasn't. Her feelings were too strong. I think she may have felt used. I don’t know.  I kept falling asleep over the toilet and she moved me to the couch. She was gonna leave, but it was 430 in the morning and I didn’t want her to go. I couldn't say or do anything except for physically hold on to not let her go. At least until the morning. She woke me up at 730 so I could drive her back to her car in Simba. She was drunk at Trader Sams the night before, and I didnt want her driving back or sleeping in her car, so I got her a Lyft back to Sabrina’s. On the car ride there, I could tell she wanted me to fight for her. But nothing I said could change her mind. I am not ready for a relationship with anyone. I had been going back and forth over it, if I was ready, and I wasn’t. I need to heal. I thought we were enjoying each other’s presences. I didn’t know she would blindside me with that and leave like nothing.  So, she's gone. I’m here repairing myself yet AGAIN from losing someone who had become one of my best friends. It’s weird going from constantly talking to her, to not talking to her at all.  Sabrina said Kat saw my finsta, too. But after everything. Who knows what she saw on there? The thought makes me want to throw up. If i wanted her to see, I would've let her follow it. I’m almost back to square one. I’m alone, left to figure out why people keep leaving when I’m close to them. The holidays are hard alone when you're used to being with someone. I know I’m strong, and I know I will never need someone to complete me. I need to get back to the me who knows I can enjoy doing things on me own. I’ve never needed another human. I’ve always been fine on my own. Before Ciera, it’s what I preferred. I need to get back to me.

[stb042896]

September 21, 2015 - Year 3, Day 344

i woke at 10 or so and made myself some breakfast. i went the the gym from like 1215 to 1245 or so. then my mom got me a rug like i asked!!!!!!! yay! i vacuumed, cleaned, put down the rug, i even rearranged my bed and side table and i like how it is rn, we will see if i change it. i showered. uh passed the time a bit. napped from like 4-550 omg i wanted to wake at 5 but my alarm didnt freakin go off. mom woke me. had dinner. left at 630 to go to work, had to go to guest service to fix something bc forgot to use cartwheel for 30% off my undies! then 7-11 i worked. so easy. covered roberts break, tended to self checkout, more guest service....my break.... cleaned the conveyor belts, and then rang up a few people and then left. also i bought disney chopsticks bc they own me. after my vid processes I'm going to bed.

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September 20, 2015 - Year 3, Day 343

i was soooo comfy and perfect when i woke up, but i kept snoozing until i finally had to get up for work. up at 830, left by 915. worked 930-215. shopped. got home by 3. didnt go to disney thank god. over 100 degrees! did homework, binged on Becoming Us again, relaxed. i love days where i work early and do whatever the rest of the day. very nice. i ate panda express and worked on playing the guitar. its 11 and I'm finally gonna sleep. put it off bc working late tomorrow :-/ 

[stb042896]

September 19, 2015 - Year 3, Day 342

today i woke at 10, i was so tired! i left ciera’s near 11, even though i planned 10:30. i drove to me ma’s which took over 1.5 hours. ugly.  when i got there, dingy and my mom and aelx were already there, then jack and trav came, and then zach and sara and tate! i was so tired and it was warm outside, but it was fun. i had some time to chill. i left for home at 3 and then i grabbed what i was bringing and then went to subway for dinner, then went to their house by 430, the same family i nannied for last week and will in the future. the boys were well behaved, i played battleship with kevin, and tiffany was calm until she got fussy. i made their dinner really cute but they hardly ate. i was going to change tiffany and put her to bed and right then the parents came home! nice. i got home at like 730 maybe? i showered and finally got to eat my dinner, which i guess i didnt have to even buy lol. watched the end of pitch perfect. now i wanna maybe play guitar or go to bed...i should go to bed.

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September 18, 2015 - Year 3, Day 341

it was pay day which was nice. ciera worked i think? i stayed over again i think. yeah. 

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September 17, 2015 - Year 3, Day 340

18 months with c !

i had school, i got my haircut! bye split ends! then i went to ciera’s.

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September 16, 2015 - Year 3, Day 339

on this day i worked 4-1130 at guest service which is always gross

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September 15, 2015 - Year 3, Day 338

this day i had one of my ugly break down days where i changed my outfit 3 times bc i felt ugly in everything :) and I'm p sure i failed my first math exam of the semester nice <33333

[stb042896]

September 14, 2015 - Year 3, Day 337

this day RULED. my first time at disney for the start of halloweeny!!!! i did so much and had so much fun. someone gave me a FP for splash so i went on. face paintings back. i sobbed from the middle of aladdin to the end of it. i did have to leave early bc i worked 4-8, which is why i put the painting on my arm and not face. it just ruled at disney.

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September 13, 2015 - Year 3, Day 336

aw look at my friend nala bothering me when i was tryna do math :’)

anyway. i worked 4-1130p i think at guest services. ok i almost got locked in target for REAL after closing like HOW TF DO U NOT NOTICE THE ONLY PERSON WORKING GS ISNT OUT WITH THE REST OF THE TEAM WTF. lol funny tho. 

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September 12, 2015 - Year 3, Day 335

on this day i worked 1015-3 at target and then i nannied 5-1030. i was so bored for like 2 hours after the kids went to bed. they were short of 2, 6, and 7. the oldest was kinda annoying though. oh well still kinda fun and also $.

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September 11, 2015 - Year 3, Day 334

i don't remember what i did on this day. it was the first day at disney for HALLOWEEN but i bailed on going bc it was gonna be sooooooooo hot. but i got a free frap>?? i don't fuckin remember

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September 10, 2015 - Year 3, Day 333

idr this day. ciera went to disney and i don't think i worked maybe. i saw my coworker!....but he dropped.

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September 9, 2015 - Year 3, Day 332

on this day our lives were partially ruined (:

i worked 1030-3 and i went to the gym and ciera came over and we found our frozen was replacing aladdin at the hyperion (:

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September 8, 2015 - Year 3, Day 331

on this day omg it was awesome bc HALLOWEENY and i saw nick lachey and realized it later and i was in the SAME EXACT ROOM as colleen aka miranda sings but didnt find her lol. but it was good and i was home in time for dinner which was nice. i didnt have school nice!

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September 7, 2015 - Year 3, Day 330

i worked 130-545 but idk what else i did