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steinsgatesecretsanta · 7 years ago

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S;G Christmas Piece: Secret Santa

Surprise, and Merry Christmas! So this year, I had the opportunity to participate in a S;G secret santa exchange. This piece is for @steinsgatesecretsanta ; I hope you enjoy this Okabe-centered piece! Have a merry, merry Christmas. ( :

Oh Christmas lights,

Light up the street,

Light up the fireworks in me,

May all your troubles soon be gone,

Those Christmas lights keep shining on. ~ “Christmas Lights” - Coldplay (song insp link: x)

…the process of healing meant accepting the good and the bad; experiences that will eventually make him into a whole.

————

In all honesty, he didn’t know why he found himself back here.

He had declared loudly the other day of his absence on today’s events; cleverly dodging Mayuri’s regarded expression accompanied by sadness, he excused himself by proclaiming that he had do work away from the lab in order to lure the “organization” away.

In reality, it was a blatant lie, a lie that he wished he could have proclaimed with more confidence to disguise the imminent melancholy he felt with the approaching holiday. It was hard enough to be away from the lab members; it was even harder altogether to see Mayuri’s downcrested expression and Kurisu’s disappointed gaze.

He knew that he couldn’t conceal himself from those two in particular; Kurisu was too keen for her own good and Mayuri was naturally perceptive despite her seemingly spaced-out personality.

The other members, he remembered, had cries of outburst on how their own leader wouldn’t even attend the first-ever lab member Christmas party. It was almost unheard of for him to slip away from the lab, especially since it was the first time everyone would be together and a time that Kurisu was back from the States for a short while. He could only remember how Faris screeched with protest, Luka stuttering in an attempt to persuade him to come, Moeka actually looking up from her phone to gaze at him, and Daru just shaking his head, lowering his hat as he did so. Okabe merely laughed his Kyouma laugh in response, trying to own to his claim of slipping away on this particular night.

It was uncharacteristic of him, he knew, to be out of sight of the others; their cries of protest proved as much. But a certain feeling of emptiness ate him away at the mere thought of attending.

Emptiness, desolation, forlorn, sadness; different meanings of the same term appeared in his mind as he came to the conclusion of the feeling. While the thought of being in a room full of the lab members appeared to be grandiose in his mind, the sentiment of being in pure jolly rose emotions of doubt and slight fear, a contradiction that led to an overshadowing of an inescapable maze of confusion and sadness.

The thought made him feel as if he were alone in a large room.

There was no reason for the depression; at least, in hindsight, there shouldn’t be. He’d reached Steins;Gate world line, Mayuri and Kurisu were alive, and all the lab members were back together. It was simple, everything he could have asked for in his previous journeys through time.

But perhaps, he realized, it was the simplicity that made him feel off-kiltered; there was a purity that his tainted hands couldn’t touch; a light that the darkness in his heart had a hard time accepting; and a fear that overshadowed the thought that any brave soul would ever dare to enter his endless mind maze.

He was two extremes that made a whole: Kyouma and Okabe. One couldn’t exist without the other in his mind, and yet, both had stark differences which presented themselves in. It was this, perhaps, that made him feel so cowardly and somber during the joyous holiday season.

This holiday season presented itself as the first of everything: first lab member Christmas party, first time Kurisu would be in Japan during the holiday, and the first time to spend it in the lab, ever, since it was only ever he and Mayuri.

It was also the first time celebrating it within the Steins;Gate world line.

The time to be joyous was one to not skip on this season as every positive reason possible presented itself before him within an arm’s reach. And yet, tumultuous emotions of conflicting sides stirred in his brain, causing him to want to stay within his home rather than with others.

Perhaps it was the feeling of always being the lonely Observer in all the world lines; he became used to the role and now, it was time to step back and let time run its course. He didn’t, by all means, want to cut himself out of the lab; he merely felt it was time to rest.

Or was it fear that something unpleasant would occur? Doubt, he realized, was becoming more prominent as he concluded earlier, and his own lowered self-esteem couldn’t bring himself to face the others.

Maybe it was the fact that the current world line he was on was built on the crushed dreams of his fellow lab members and founded on the selfish desires of his own. Guilt which he thought he rid of began to seat itself in his mind and heart, and it became clear to him that showing his face to his friends during a season of giving was a contradiction of himself altogether. While he took, they gave; and it became even clearer to him that the lab members gave him more than he could ever give in return.

They shaped who he was today. From feelings of honesty with Luka, to understanding unconditional love from Faris, to realizing empathy and forgiveness with Moeka, and to witnessing that perseverance overcomes all bonds of time between Suzuha and Daru, each one played a key role in shaping his perspective and pushing him towards the goal of saving the two people which he cared most for.

He breathed to himself, remembering the last person to aid him to this world line made him see that selflessness and humility had no bounds; while he could never not argue with her within a span of ten minutes, Kurisu truly taught him the meaning of endurance through hardships without losing heart.

It were these thoughts that pushed him out of his house, and into the brisk, cold streets through Ikebukuro. He found himself taking the trains towards Akihabara staying out of the way from the rest of the holiday shoppers, and saw the one light to the lab on, voices heard from the ground floor of the building. His breath plumed a white cloud into the air, sighing as the emotions of guilt began to also carve the way to contentment and acceptance.

While it was true that each member sacrificed a bit of their personal life to his own, it also dawned upon him that each one willingly came to him with the understanding of the consequences. Their acts, he realized, were of honest compassion; they could have easily refused and ran away with their phones, and yet…somehow, they accepted his tormented self in shambles and managed to piece him together bit by bit.

And though not completely put together just yet, he realized, ironically, that time itself was there for that reason; time hadn’t healed all wounds, but it worked its way into accepting the sins, guilt, and terror which he thought would make him for the rest of his life. These feelings would always be present in his heart, he thought to himself as he brought his hand close to his heart, but the process of healing meant accepting the good and the bad, experiences that will eventually make him into a whole.

The sound of laughter broke him from his thoughts as he gazed up towards the lab window. He clutched his messenger bag, checking to see if he had brought the items necessary for his grand entrance. Days before the party, Mayuri had announced that everyone had to wear her specifically made Christmas-themed costumes (“And you better wear them, too; Mayushii worked hard on these!” she had exclaimed towards them). He grimaced a bit when he realized that he would have the Santa outfit, but thinking on it now, he supposed it was suiting for the occasion and his ‘expected role’ as lab leader.

He stepped up the stairwell quietly, slipping on the outfit (which Mayuri magically made tailored to him, somehow). He knew he’d be embarrassed, of course, but if it were for the others and their laughing expressions, he realized he could take that any day over the gloom in his heart.

And he realized, as he barged into the lab room, laughing his all-famous Kyouma laugh, that’s exactly what he needed; to give back to the group that guided over his worst and best times.

As he looked at a room mixed of bewilderment slowly changing into smiles and laughter, he caught in his eye the undeniable tears in Mayuri’s eyes and characteristic shaking head of Kurisu, accompanied with a small smile.

The future was uncertain, that much was true. A lot of facts in the Steins;Gate world line were left undisclosed and open, leading to countless choices and opportunities. But he realized, that was the most terrifying yet exciting outcome to look forward to; the ifs and the maybes that made up the 0’s and 1’s of firm decisions.

He nodded to himself. It wasn’t enough in giving in his mind, but he realized to them, the one thing he could give most of all was this: the presence of him who was made through them.

—-

Okabe sighed as he placed the remainder dishes in his sink. The dishes piled high precariously and he knew in hindsight that he probably should wash them…but laziness conquered over his tired mind as he turned towards the living room of the lab.

The party had been successful; very successful, in fact, most especially with his arrival. Everyone, surprisingly, wore the outfits which Mayuri specifically created. Daru was surprisingly embracing his snowman outfit; Faris knew how to accessorize a gingerbread cookie outfit very well; Luka and Mayuri were an unseparable duo as elves; Moeka did an extraordinary job as being a Christmas tree itself (he wasn’t sure if Mayuri was unintentionally remarking on her silence and stillness, but the carefully crafted and cutesy-themed outfit and unsaid remark didn’t bother Moeka at all); and Kurisu was absolutely silly with her reindeer outfit, which he spared all time poking fun at her red nose accessory all night (to his regret after receiving multiple jabs and shouts in his ear).

He, fortunately and unfortunately, strutted in his Santa Claus outfit all night. It was surprisingly comfortable and warm, and oddly enough, didn’t feel that out of place being in it; perhaps it’s always been his role to be a leader. He did remember breathing a sigh of relief when he noticed no one dubbed as “Mrs. Claus”; he wasn’t sure how he would be able to deal with that in front of everyone, in all honesty.

Looking up towards the living room, he noticed the red nose accessory in his line of vision from the kitchen to the coffee table, where it lay as its owner slept peacefully on his couch, Mayuri still dressed as an elf in tow leaning on her shoulder. Both decided to stay and help him clean up and it was a very successful and productive assistance from the both of them, he remarked sarcastically, as they probably fell asleep the moment he turned his back on them.

He shook his head and was about to tackle the task of washing the dishes when suddenly his eyes caught the sight of an envelope sticking out of the pocket of Kurisu’s reindeer puff shorts. He knew from experience that it probably wouldn’t be the best idea to take things away from her while she was sleeping, most especially from her pockets, but he was a scientist and curiosity led the better of him.

With a quiet and quick snatch, he retrieved the envelope with no movement noted from the both of them. His brow quirked as he grasped it, with “Okarin” scribbled in Mayuri’s bubbly writing on the front. Curiously, he opened the envelope to see a Christmas card. He opened it with no particular expectation, but realized he didn’t prepare himself nearly enough for the card’s contents.

Writing upon writing from messages of the lab members filled the card. They were in mismatched scribbles and directions, all clearly trying to find a space to write a small message. As he blinked back in surprise, his eyes wandered from top to bottom, reading each message slowly:

Kyouma-nyan! Boo, I wished you could’ve come today! You should totally see everyone’s outfits because I’m sure you would’ve loved them, nyan! Our disguises were enough to fend the Organization away for I, Gingerbread Faris, mastered the ultimate technique of disguise and illusion for everyone! But really, Faris-nyan hopes you’re okay, nyan. We miss you, and thank you for letting us use your lab hideout, nyan! <3 Faris

Kyouma-san, I hope you’re doing alright. I don’t think the party is the same without you, but I know you have to do what you need to do, even though we don’t know all the details. Just know that we’re here whenever you need. I mean…uh, I mean! Okay never mind…! I hope you have a good Christmas, Kyouma-san. ~ Luka

You know, you’re a real jerk to make me stay behind here; I had to set up this place even though it’s your lab! Just do whatever you gotta do, you chunnibyou, and you better come next time or else. ~ Super HACKER, get it right, man.

Okabe-kun, I hope you’re doing okay!! Christmas is a sad time to be by yourself, but if you need to do things, we understand. We’re always here for you! Hope you have a good Christmas! <3 <3 ~ Moeka

Okarin,

Merry Christmas! You know, it’s supposed to snow on Christmas, aren’t you excited? Maybe you’re so excited and that’s why you’re not here today? But anyway…Mayushii doesn’t know what’s going on, but always know that Mayushii will always be here. Don’t spend Christmas by yourself, okay? Mayushii appreciates you so, SO much, that the words aren’t enough! Okarin is getting a huge hug next time, okay? <3, Mayushii

Hm, I don’t know if I should call you an idiot or not for not showing up, but…I guess you have your reasons. Just…don’t make the others worry; your lack of idiocy doesn’t quite balance the atmosphere here, but I guess it can’t be helped? …anyway. It’s not like I’m worried or anything, but…take care Don’t spend Christmas alone; know that someone is always here for you, okay? I’m always here for you too (Don’t you dare try to read through my cross outs!)

Have a merry Christmas, Okabe. ~ Kurisu

The amount of words that filled the page overfilled with emotions of his fellow friends; it spilled out of the card and into his heart, a warmth he hadn’t felt in months that filled the room. It engulfed his very being and enough to have him sit on the floor next to the coffee table as he took in the words.

The appreciative words of his closest loved ones captured him in the best way possible. Again, he realized the lab members gave him more than they ever would know, and it was enough to have him feel the tears well up in his eyes. He blinked them back, not wanting any to fall, as he breathed in slowly to ground himself in his surroundings.

Eyeing his lab coat in the corner of the room, he silently took it up and quietly draped it over both to the sleeping figures on the couch. It wasn’t much, but at least enough to keep them covered in the meantime.

As he stared at both of them momentarily, he smiled to himself, a genuine smile for the first time in a long time. There were many moments which the two of them, and the others, contributed to his life much more than he bargained for. He knew that eventually he would have to go to each lab member saying the appreciative words which began to form in his heart, but for now, he decided to start with the present and the two that sat before him, as he knelt down to their eye level. Whispering under his breath, he smiled, breathing words of genuine appreciation and life which lit up his world even more.

��Thank you.”

#oh my goodness that was so sweet i loved the letters frpm everyone!! you captured all their personalities so well #and okabe too; sometimes it's nice to remember he's more than kyouma; but okabe too #and the way you wrote his emotions and how afraid he is of losing everything again ahh so good!!!#i love it thank you!!

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