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[steprightover]

Anxiety

I am an anxious person. I get anxious very easily. The anxiety always lurks in me. I cannot even differentiate my anxiety from my personality. Because I am anxious, I get fixated on safety, patterns, and rules. Because I am anxious of something 'bad' will happen, I get fixated on 'protections'. Because I am 'fixated' on things, the need for 'control' and the need for 'comprehension', I get depressed because I can never 'control' or 'comprehend' the things that I get fixated on. Because I am depressed, anxious and have OCD, I am the way I am.

I am anxious now. I am anxious now because of the noise. The noise. The noise. The noise. The vibration from the floor to the space below. The irregular vibration, the absolute violence of a sound, echoing, invading the walls that protects me. The noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, the noise, and the vibration of violence that fucks me up. People don't understand the depth of pain because they never suffered it.

I am anxious because of my tooth. I feel like my tooth is dying as i type. I am afraid that I might have to do more than a cavity procedure. I am afraid of doing what I had to do before. I am afraid of pain, money, and the procedure. I am afraid of living with knowing that my cavity is growing.

I am anxious because I am getting older. I am anxious because I do not have a partner, friends that I can talk whatever to anymore. I am anxious because I feel like I am not like most people my age. I am anxious because I am fading. And, I don't feel appreciated by others.

I am anxious because I do not know what the future is. I am anxious because I feel as though I have a thin layer of protection that can be penetrated anytime and shatter my world.

I am anxious because I strive nothing but peace and fulfillment. But, if I look back at my life, I was a fucking mess. I was a mess, a mess, a mess.

I want to make enough money so I can choose how I die.

[steprightover]

I've been sinking into my thoughts recently. Like a pebble being pushed into the creek, I am sinking into the water. Today was an awful day. I have a cavity. Doctor said to wait until it grows bigger. But, I'm fixated on it. I can feel it. I couldn't feel it last night till I heard it. As if, the sickness was not named, it was not present in my thoughts.

Today, a neighbour moved in. It is not in our apartment line. It is bit further down. They moved for five hours. I can't believe how many stuff people have in their homes. I don't know if that is the reason but, today I heard bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, like a clockwork upstairs. And foot steps running at half pass 10 at night. Usually they are pretty quiet compared to the neighbours before. But, it irritates the fuck out of me. I think it is because of my experience in the past. I have suffered for 6months in complete agony. My ears are sensitive. They know how torturous it is.

Today, I'm lonely. I think i'm more irritated of my tooth and the noise from upstairs. Loneliness. I wonder, if it will disappear. To be honest, I am not sure what I am living for.

Yesterday, I was completely unaware of my cavity. Hence, no pain.

Yesterday, I was completely unaware of the noise upstairs. Hence, no anxiety.

Yesterday, i was lonely but not like today.

Cavity might disappear. Some says. But, ultimately, I will go to the dentist to get it fixed this year.

Noise probably is a temporary thing. It's quiet now. I hope it doesn't continue regularly.

Loneliness. It is better to be lonely than to be in pain.

I have nothing to say. I have nothing I want to share.

All the liars in the worlds, making a fantasy world for others with their slithered tongues. Selling word of gold.

[steprightover]

Dissonance

I would like to live in a place where I hear nothing but the nature. I would like to live in a place where I can step the soil and breathe in the air that gives life to my lungs.

Is it too much to ask?

I want nothing but peace.

[steprightover]

I am sick. I am feeling ill. My body is tired. I am sick. In my dream, A crab was cut in half, its body bleeding. It began to pull its gut out, only to devour them to live.

I think it is all the medication that I've been taking.

I should cut back.

[steprightover]

Overcoming Trauma.

I have nothing to say. I have nothing I want to share. There is only silence. If I had known my future when I was a child, would I have done any different? I don't care about it anymore. What happened had happened and like a fever dream in the summer, I cannot tell the difference between the past and the dreams. My body remembers what had happened. My mind remembers what had happened. But, the sharpness of pain had been dulled by time. I've tried to pull me out of the hole that was bestowed upon me by my culture, my family and my blood. The edge of the blade still lives in me. As time passed, further I feel from what I was before. I feel pleasure in knowing, I have a choice. To stay and to leave. I will always choose the option to leave.

I have nothing more to say.

[steprightover]

All that happened are so distant now, they feel like a dream.

I am glad.

I wish, I had something to live for.

I feel that I am inadequate.

But, if I had a choice between living like I used to than now.

I'd choose now.

At least, I am the calmest that I've ever been in my entire life.

Death drive is still present and lurks within me.

I'd like something better, always, I've always wanted something better.

I remember, sleeping on the floor with few blankets in an empty apartment.

I promised myself, I'd never live that way ever again.

I do remember what happened to me, some memories are faded by time, but, I never want to repeat that ever again.

I hoped for the same thing over and over again. But, it does not matter any more.

[steprightover]

I miss the affection, whatever it was.

[steprightover]

So, I've been feeling particularly suicidal few days ago. It was very close. You know, close enough that it scared me to bits. I don't know the last time that I truly felt happy or felt I belonged. When was the last time I was truly happy? I do not remember. Past five or six years of my life have been a blur. A dream that is neither bad or good, a limbo. I tried my best. Tried to get out of my comfort zone. Tried new things. Tried this or that. But, in the end, where do I belong? In the end, what is it that I must do for myself, to feel happier than what I am feeling now. What is it that I want.

I don't think I ever wanted particularly something extraordinarily big. When I was younger, I wanted to live in Montreal with my best friend, creating art, doing whatever, just be 'free' in a sense that I get to pursue my passion with my best friend, who would attend school to pursue her dream. I dreamed of living in an apartment with her. I dreamed of maybe be in a secure relationship. I dreamed of being recognized as an artist. Make something out of my name. That was my vision of happiness.

But life, I mean, reality was different. She did not get accepted to the school in Montreal. She was to stay in the city where we were raised, a city that has broken our family apart like glass pieces. A city where I was abused and mocked. I never felt I was 'part' of the community in that city. It was my destiny to leave. But, I was afraid of leaving by myself. I was afraid of being alone to survive. When she told me the news, I had expected it to happen. The dream was too good to be true.

So I decided to leave the country instead. I have used up everything in the city. I said goodbye to few of my remaining friends, sold everything in the apartment except two box of stuff and two big luggage. And I just left, not only the city, but the entire country.

I left, not to pursue art nor live like an artist. I left to attend masters in literature. Why you might ask? I do not know. It was never my passion, and I was not a good writer. It was a miracle that the prestigious school had accepted me. It was the first time that my parents who neglected the fuck out of me due to my "artist dream", recognized me. I became the 'dream daughter' , at least from the outside.

So, for two years and a half, I lived like the 'dream daughter'. I studied harder than ever. I went on dates with women. I taught. I just did whatever was offered to me. As my dream of becoming an artist in Montreal faded away.

What did I dream of then? What was my vision of happiness? Nothing. I had no vision of happiness. I had nothing.

I exchanged my true friendships with the degree. I do not regret it. It had to happen. I do not regret it.

Now, I am working in a field where I am not an 'artist' or 'scholar in literature'. I have a car and I have a home to live in. But, I do not have anything else that I can particularly say "that makes me 'happy'".

Somtimes, I look back and think. If I had went to Montreal with my bestfriend. Would it be better? Better in a sense that, would I 've been okay than the decision I have made?

Not really.

I had to grow.

To be honest, I wish I had successfully killed myself when I was 15. Things did get 'better' but, they did not get better without any pain. The growth was painful. And, good days that I can remember are just handful.

I am writing this at this moment in time where I feel nothing. I feel nothing because I expect nothing. I've tried. I've tried. I've tried. I've tried.

All the promises that we've made under the night snow. All the dreams that we've promised under the silence of the night.

Dreams.

I wish for once. I was happy with myself, situation and place.

Everybody seems to do so well.

While a hermit struggles to even walk a straight line when she hears people laughing from a far.

[steprightover]

I've been tired for a long time. To exist is to pay the price of existence. Life seems like a theatre where everyone knows which part they are playing. I am the spectator, or worst of all, I am the custodian in the bathroom listening to their act that echoes through down the halls. I listen and observe, and feel. How odd is it to feel so much pleasure from being anything other than themselves? How odd it is to laugh at the fool falling down purposely on stage? How odd it is to fall in love and be in love so naturally? I always felt I was the "other', there was always something peculiar; alien, about myself. Detached, would be the best word to describe myself. My mind wonders too much. It wonders to the most dark place too often, as if to meet my old friends that never stopped reaching me out. My mind wonders, and I cry at the thought of what could've been and what would've been if I had made a different choice. I tell myself that it is all 'meant to be', but is it really? Or am I trying to mend myself, or cure myself of endless torture that will never stop bothering me; regret. The present is the result of the past, and I loath at the choice I could've have made. The thought and possibility of present allure me, as it always been. My imagination was more fixated on the fantasy aspect of things rather than the reality. However, some events in my past exceeded my expectations.

Depression is it? Is it my cross to bear? Or is it an illness that had passed to me by my ancestors. I wish I was the actor in the theatre, reciting the lines that have been written for me. Though I have invisible walls that have been built around me. The walls I've built, not by fault but out of necessity to survive. A terrible actor, I am.

Past few days, I've been tired. Tired of living. Actually, I think I always been tired for a long long time. I think I did everything that I wanted and I don't think I'd feel any regret if I were to go. For those who have heard the music and danced to the tunes, for those who have laughed and felt a sense of belonging, for those who have stable support system that helped lift themselves out of the mud that life threw at them. I have nothing.

I hear no songs. I hear no laughters.

I only hear silence. the loudest sound I can ever bear.

i want to rest.

[steprightover]

가라앉는다.

고요한 밤바다에 출렁이는 배.

새벽녘을 기다리는 나.

요 몇 일 사이, 내 고요한 삶은 갑작스러운 파도로 뒤흔들렸다.

나는 내 배가, 몇 년 전에 타고 있던 것보다, 더 강인해졌고 예전처럼 흔들리지 않을거라고 믿고 있었다.

하지만, 내 배는 거친 파도에 출렁거리며 나를 위헙하고 있다.

걔가 내 인생에 ��타날 때 마다, 내 세상은 흔들린다. 내 인생에 나타날 때 마다, 내가 지루하다고 믿는 내 삶은 흔들리며 나를 괴롭힌다.

건물주가 월세를 부당한 만큼 올려버렸다. 그녀와 그녀의 아들과 더 이상 대화하기도 싫다. 회피하고 싶고, 더 이상 부정적인 대화를 하기가 싫다.

세금을 무척 많이 가져갈거다. 3달동안. 나는 1000불이라는 돈으로 살아가야 된다.

세무사는 날 저능아라고 생각하는 것 같다.

왜.

나는 더 강인한 배를 만들었다고 생각했는데. 왜 나는 파도에 부딪칠때마다, 덜덜 떨면서 새벽녘을 기다릴까? 강인한 배가 답이 아니라, 실은 그 배를 같이 탈 수 있는 사람이 필요한게 아닐까?

피곤하다.

존재하는 것 자체가, 삶 속에서.

나는 왜 다시 배를 고치고 바다를 향해 나가는지 모르겠다.

속상하다.

정말 속상하다.

예전으로 돌아갈 수 있다면, 덜 외로울까?

지주대.

내 삶을 그들의 방식대로 흔들고, 악탈하는 상대가 아니라, 지주대가 필요하다.

[steprightover]

dear you

I acted the way that I acted because I felt so alone. I felt alone because I lack control of my emotions. door shutting. Noise bothers me. it is a trap. my father worked his ass off for years. All the choices that he had made him the way our family is right now.

I am

I am

I am

I am

I am

I am

why do i do this

why do i seek this

i'm lonely.

i need someone to depend on.

I need someone to depend on.

please.

please.

please.

[steprightover]

Repetition allegro

this is the same pattern. he sent a message. a message that he previously had said many years ago. he sent a message because he felt he had an unfinished business with me. we had nothing to start from. we were nothing in particular.

i sent him a gentle email. i told him that we had shitty lives and our path just crossed together, only briefly to realize how incompatible we are. But I told him that I am glad to have known him since he inspired me to make my film and a song. I told him that I am doing better than ever and I told him that I bid him well. I told him good bye and said if I ever were to come to the capital, I'd let him know.

This is a lie. I will never contact him again.

I think I just missed ... I liked the 'idea' of the relationship and not the relationship itself. It will never work. And he knows it too. I don't want to entire the storm once again and come out withered. It is what it is, whatever happened, happened. And, I never wish any ill on him. I just don't want him to come back into my life to stir pain in us.

It is what it is.

I don't know why I am bothered by the mail that I sent him

I'm bothered.

Did I ever love him? No.

He stayed in my head long enough to be a ghost that lingered.

the idea of him. was better than him.

[steprightover]

message

I got a message from someone from the past. I guess, he was doing better at life, more stable. That is why he sent me an message, a last message to mend whatever was torturing him for the past years. We had a chat on the phone, I felt. I felt nothing in particular. I know what had happened, I know we will never work out. But, at the same time, I was glad that he still remembered me.

Today is her birthday, or tomorrow. I never paid attention.

I need to detach from any emotional connection. I am not good at it.

What am I on about? I'd like to be stable.

I need someone I can depend on.

You know, deep in my heart, I've tried. I've tried to make it work. but it didn't. FIrst, twice, and thrice. They did not work because I knew from the bottom of my heart that I cannot love him, I cannot marry him. I cannot give him children. I cannot be the wife he wants.

I think the reason for my relationship problem stems from 'lacks' from my parents. They have given me a void, and I have filled with nothing but solitude to protect myself.

It is the weight I carry. It is the fate I carry. You know, from the bottom of my heart, this is not what I want. this is not the answer to whatever 'symptoms' that i am feeling.

It's just a stupid 'happy new year' pic. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Just a mere photo.

I want to control my behaviour. It is a symptom. It is something that I need to carry. that desperation for affection.

pull me in.

[steprightover]

Hello 2025.

I will not replay the same old traumas and painful memory out of habit.

I will not beg for affection or acceptance.

I will not dwell what could've beens.

I will not pity myself.

I will be the greatest I can be.

I will be the best version of myself I can be.

and out of all the bitterness of my heart.

fuck them all. Fuck them 'friends' or 'lovers' who weren't there for me when I needed them the most. Fuck them all. Fuck them all. Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them all.

Fuck my mental illness that kept me from moving on from pains. Fuck my mental illness that kept choosing toxic people for affection..

2025 will be my year.

I will be the greatest I can be.

Forward.

Please.

[steprightover]

I am not doing well. I think that is just a fact of it at the moment. I am not doing well. I am struggle. I am sinking. My feet are touching the ground that is constantly drifting apart. I am hindered by flashbacks. It is suffocating me. I had a lot of hopes for this year. What have I achieved? I do not remember as much. I am getting older year by year. I am getting older and I feel like I am not adjusted well as I hoped. It is eating me a live. And I feel my flesh breaking under its teeth. I feel it through my bones. The false hope dancing in front of my eyes for years. I've paid for the sins I've committed.

I'm tired.

I don't know what I am living for.

it's cruel.

it's cruel.

[steprightover]

I am worthy. I was always worthy. I am worthy. I am not a nobody. I never was a nobody. I had people who looked up to me, loved me, wanted the best for me. I had people who tried to knock me off my feet, belittle me, crush me, humiliate me, agonize me, destroy me. I was not a nobody. I was never a nobody. I am worthy. I know my worth. I will no longer and will not ever beg for attention. I will not look back and have regrets. I will be the best I can be. I will be the best I can be. I am worthy. All the experience I've suffered, endured, and fought were for me to not make the same mistakes again. I am worthy. I was always worthy. I will not allow myself to suffer the same consequences. I will never allow myself to go thorough what I went through just because I am lonely, just because I have no other place to look up to for the light. I am the light. I was always worthy.

[steprightover]

detached

I am good at detaching. I am really excellent at it. I've been trained all my life to detach. Detach from pain, detach from life, detach from what is happening in the present. Detach from the hurt, detach from violence, and detach from my body. When I was younger, I felt like I was watching myself from a movie. I was an actor playing as myself, watching me from a far. I am good at detaching because there were too much pain for me too bare, hence the reason why I learned how to detach from the present from the young age.

I have to detach because I have a tendency to 'attach'. I have a tendency to attach and it pains me to say but when I attach to someone, it is incredibly difficult for me to detach again. It takes a long time for me to attach, it takes a long time for me to detach.

But, right now. I have to detach. I cannot be 'attached'. I cannot be 'attached' when I am moving forward. I have to constantly move forward. Because when I stop, I think too much. I did what I could, I gave an attention that is similar to what others do out of politeness. I did what I did because I wanted to keep her at bay. I did what I did because I want to keep her at the bay but at the same time play with the idea of potential. This potential that I am thinking about is the chance for affection that I do not actively desire out of pureness, but rather out of boredom. It is the boredom bore out of lack of connection or contact. It is the boredom that lurks behind me, an essence of destruction. I desire it not because I want the other person but i desire what the other person can offer me. I desire not because of the sole reason I 'care' about the person, I desire it because I like the attention that the other person gives me.

2017 was an awful year. I had too many dreams. I wanted my film to win. I wanted her. I wanted him. I wanted affection. I had a dream. I had dreams. None of them worked out and I puked my heart out after drinking a bottle and a half of beer. And I thought I was puking blood in the toilet.

He said 2024 is the year that reflect 2017. If 2017 was a year that I sowed my seeds, 2024 is the year that I reap what I sow. What did I sow in 2017? There was nothing but pain. Pain and pain.

Leave it be because it is not mine.

I am in my head a lot. I need to detach. Because this is not the way. I need to detach because I am blinded by my own destructiveness. I crave affection but desires destruction. It is what I am.

I know it in my heart that there is nothing to be reaped through her.

I know it in my heart that is nothing to be gained through her.

I know it in my heart nothing will happen between us.

I know it in my heart that I should stop dreaming about it.

I am in love with the fantasy of destruction masquerading as affection. Because I have a lack in my heart that never truly developed. Hence, I need to detach again.

detach.

detach

detach.