steviehapless-blog

[steviehapless-blog]

A generation, where all hope was lost, but now it flourishes, but not because I am gone but because with my absence people are left to feel. Feel as they may, let them feel, it's real, but not to shy away from the truth that life sometimes flourishes when you pick a flower from it's roots, when you can burn it into the wind so it can be free again, free from being stepped on, free from being tainted, free from pesticides, free from the dirt that it felt it was rotting in. Free from being looked at in admiration only for what it looks like, not how it feels or how long it took to grow, nobody cares and very few know, it isn't easy taking breaths away, because if mine is taken it's the end of my world, not theirs, but they dont seem to understand that. Better to be there in spirit, better to be there and unable to be stepped on, but would I want to live again? Maybe in another lifetime I'll get it right. A moment of silence, I'll get it right.

[steviehapless-blog]

shit

Find it, find it within yourself, dont let the burning sensation in your head rupture what you have left, dont let the burning sun shine on what you have left let it shine down on everything you have had everything you will have you're not alone anymore you've never been alone

and if im not the best for you well im not the best at a lot of things but we dont always love whats best for us we love what makes us feel even if it's not good we wanna feel

Hold it, but don't hold it too tight hold it long enough until the sun doesn't rise until the full moon pulls you in are you mad again?

and if im not the best for you well, i'm not the best at a lot of things you dont have to love me, but you can love the feeling

i dont know what im feeling but at least its something

[steviehapless-blog]

not enthused with my life in the slightest.... Wish I had a break away from my kid, she never listens to a word I say, I don't ever catch a break anymore, not even to make a full meal without her trying to destroy the apartment....wish I had a lot of things. I am currently feeling a lot of things, like regret, like I dont really want to exist bc shit is too hardI don't need sympathy or tough love either.... I REALLY dont wanna hear anybody say "i told you so" keep it to yourself... the tough love shit doesn't work on me, all it does is make me hate the person trying to do it and I further distance myself from them. Life in 2017 is so lonely and depressing, nobody cares except behind a damn screen with some react button or some words in attempts of extending a form of emotional hug....guess what computers don't have emotions, physical bodies do.... & crying on technology only ruins it.....what is needed nowadays is good old fashioned long term friendships, shoulders to cry on, appreciation for the short time we are left with. Something to redeem the now ruined closeness of what humans once had with one another. In the not-so-bigger picture, my small little life problems, I am tired, I am weak, I need somebody and I feel alone. DOn't even message me with the "where's jesus" shit either. He's working, 70miles away, trying to "fix" our lives and get us off living on this shitty system. I have my daughter, I love her, but I can't take care of me.

[steviehapless-blog]

You just need to suck it up. He says to me as my mind corrodes. Illness, it’s a strange thing. Keep telling me to breathe and my mind thinks you’re sinking me. I’m drowning in your words, they’re anchoring me underwater, but I just need to suck it up. But if I breathe and suck it up the water will fill into me, slowly, I’ll become one with the sea. & maybe this thought brings me more at peace than your words that were meant to comfort me. I’d rather be at the bottom of the sea rotting, than to hear you tell me to just suck it up.

I needed a lifesaver, I needed to float, I needed to be brought to shore, but you just brought me to the sea, pushed me in and said start swimming and tied an anchor to my feet.

How am I supposed to swim? All the signs were there, telling you i couldn’t swim. But you just told me to breathe, listen to the waves, be calm, be still as the water rushes over my body. You never wanted to save me, you just wanted to make it easier for yourself bc my cries for help were too annoying.

[steviehapless-blog]

my body decays

internally im breaking

falling apart at the seams

left without care

no instructions left carefully

ive begun to accept that this is me

this is my version of existing

this pain

it isn’t fair

i’d rather be anywhere 

than laying rotting in this bed

my body decays

and i cant find the strength mentally

im just depressing....

[steviehapless-blog]

Let us not break each other. – Lukas W.

[steviehapless-blog]

Lyrical geniuses, artist with their undeniable talents, my only wish is to be seen not for the errors of my ways, but for my thoughts, feelings, my fears, my soul.

I’ve ripped out my soul to show you, 

if it isn’t gold, just torn frayed, not so pretty

will you still find it to be something to cherish, admire, love or make of something?

will you tell me, will you let me be something even if I am not to be anymore

[steviehapless-blog]

Why try, the pain is alive,

what do you see when you look at an old soul like me

what do you see

i find meaning in everything

yet i cant figure out what you mean

i use to think i could do anything

i set my mind aside

now i cant do anything but breathe

my heartbeats out of my chest

it isn’t so terrifying with my mind laid to rest

its comforting to feel and not think

feelings without strings

wont you come sit with me

goosebumps on my skin, 

trace them like a blind man trying to see

whats wrong with me?

wont you come fix me?

where is my mind?

I set it aside. I hope you don’t mind.

I dont mind, but why dont I?

Dont you mind

[steviehapless-blog]

So fatigued and feeling death poking at me. Just the feeling sends to me towards these thoughts again, like maybe I’d be better off.... I dont know, but what I do know is that I’m carrying the last being I am able to bring into this world. I’ve brought a few humans into the world as well as adopted and fixed a few other human beings. I usually get the shit end. I wind up being casted out and told they don’t need me anymore, or the best I am too controlling when the very SUGGESTIONS have brought them thus far and I dont even get a hug and an i love you. Hatred consumes them, they can make it without me now, they dont need me. I kind of want to go out the same way I came in, being birthed into life, in a way, I want to give birth and then just fade. My memory might hold something valuable that way, rather than all these other things I’ve been known for that were wrongfully spread about me. I’m just living and breathing and feeling my body weaken, my mind is pleading to just give up, but I’ve got breathing things to take care of, to live for and suicide is a bore/chore. I couldn’t bring myself to death, but if life took me like this, I would sigh of relief, to get out of this pain of existence, this misery. This dreadful feeling constantly choking me. I dont want to go with a child inside of me, 8 more months and fate can decide. The irony of my name meaning fate and here I am not being able to make that decision myself.  I am so tired. Tired of being casted aside, shunned, made out to be everything I’m not, alienated, I am tired of not enough people caring to even attempt to save me. Some company weekly would be nice, but that’s fucking impossible to ask of anybody in these days of new wave depression. 

I’m just so tired. I can understand why some people put an end to themselves, but I’d prefer if someone would pick me off the ground rather than me withering away myself.

[steviehapless-blog]

why can’t I be stronger? why cant I just belong here? 

why do i feel everything so fucking deeply?

When do things become numb so I can close my eyes and sleep, I dont need to dream. I dont need to overthink. I am standing still with a thousand things inside me. A million happenings. So why can’t any of this be a reality?

am i overly co-dependent? can I make it out on my own? why does it have to be so black and white? I either need you here all the time or just leave me alone to figure this out on my own.

And I havent had a chance to know myself the way I need to, but I know how my body bullies me into thinking that I cant survive and that is a start. But if I need you and you are not here, does that mean I need myself more? So do I even need you at all? you shoudln’t be a need to me, you should be a want and I dont know if this is what I want. Especially when I’ve questioned it a thousand times. 

[steviehapless-blog]

Here it is again. That same old feeling. Not scared of death again because life seems to want to throw me under the bus and make me hang on while my body scuffs the pavement and I acquire every injury while remaining alive to tell the tale.

My best run on sentence, maybe. I dont want to exist, the pain is too much of a burden. Not suicidal though, I just don’t care if I go, I wanna make sure everyone else is okay and then at the end of the day, If I am not, oh well.

 Too many times I have stayed up late fighting for my life. Debating an ER trip, debating if my heart is going to murmur another time or if I’ll be able to sleep again. If I will be well enough to make my daughter dinner and tuck her in, to keep my cool, not yell again. Pardon my french, but I can be a bitch, a shitty fucking mom and I dont fully realize it until it’s quiet. Its the end of the day, my thoughts come out to play and my daughter is peacefully snoozing away. SHe’s so beautiful, precious and most importantly smart. Shes a million things I’ll never be, she is so much more gorgeous than most art I’ve seen. All of my babies are. But that’s the thing, I’m not good enough. I never will be. I have too many things wrong with me, I overthink, I overanalyze everything, I throw myself into panics and I take things way too seriously, but that feeling comes again.....where....I am just like....fine life, you can get rid of me, give me to death, seems like that’s what you’re wanting. I get tired of fighting these all night battles to keep my heart rate stable, to make food for myself, to rink some water to ask someone for help. Not like most my family gives a shit, the ones I thought should anyway, my mom cares only about herself and talks about how much she loves us but her actions show she has always loved her boyfriends more.

stranded. alone. isolated. the only person who I thought gave a shit thinks being 70 miles collecting paper for some wench who thinks its a good idea to have a 7 day minimum notice if you need to leave work for A FUCKING DAY.... I could be gone in a day....whether it would be by nature’s plan or I just choose to walk away, I cannot, i will not be treated like I’m just an inconvenience, but the thing is I know I am....but to be treated like it hurts twice as bad. I need nice things to be said and to feel like I matter to someone, other than my children, or child, the only one who understands who I am and she would rather be with dad.

today I let death win, again, this is not about suicide, this is about not fighting life if it just wants me to die. Yes, i might have a purpose in life, but if life is wanting me to die, isn’t that my purpose? Why do i HAVE to fight? Death will just take someone else and intensify my pain to makeup for not taking me.

Some of my babies don’t know me and people don’t love/treat me the way Ideserve anyway.  so if death wants me...it can have me. I’m not fighting  fate anymore.

But I’ll have you know, what I really want is to just not be unhealthy anymore and to live each day without this pain and suffering....  I dont WANT TO DIE, I just dont want to FIGHT anymore.

goodbye

[steviehapless-blog]

I thought by now I’d be a famous author or something. But to be a famous anything you have to stand out, you have to have structure and appeal to the masses, constantly or gradually. Giving people a piece of my mind, in a delightful way, somehow leaves my brain empty. I dont get anything back, at least, not in the way I need. I lose my train of thought. I just want to write a story of my life, but nothing comes to mind except for the fact that I’m lazy, that there are little stories to tell, but the full picture is stressful. To sit down and write a thousand pages, well, I know I could, but I wouldn’t want to proofread. So do I have what it takes to be writing? Am I really all that fascinating? Maybe time will tell. Certainly an audience could tell me. I know, but I dont know.

[steviehapless-blog]

Babies are so precious and kids can be a handful, but they are the world, they're our future, they are tiny little souls who deserve love, attention and the best that life has to offer them. Anybody who wants to fight me on that, can go to hell.

Kids are not burdens, they are blessings!!

People who don't appreciate the children they have or have the opportunity to raise; they tear holes in my heart and soul.

Maybe if I had chosen a better path for myself, gotten mental health sooner and fought through my post partum a lot harder and didn't let my past, my fears and my illnesses control me, I would have been able to experience my little blessings a lot longer.

Sometimes it takes being angry at something to really open my eyes to a bigger picture. I think I'm growing and taking more responsibility for the shit I've done. I will always love my children and they will be on my mind every single day, for those who don't even cherish or value those little beings they actually have in their care, these practically helpless little humans who aren't here by THEIR choice, that bothers me.

Kids aren't ever mistakes, they are little humans who could impact and change the world if given the opportunity and although I may not be in my children's day to day direct lives, I know they are alive, well and I allowed them the option to not struggle with mommy. To go have a better life than I had, better opportunities, bigger experiences and they are doing amazing, isn't that what a parent is supposed to want or ensure their child has?

If a parent questions if they're raising their kid good enough, they might be thinking about how to improve their lives. That's good parenting in my book. No one should feel like their child is a huge burden, the child doesn't have that ability to choose their path, right from wrong, adults steer them and drive them towards their path and impact them. YOU and any other adult/mature human influences guide them, through life, until they are mature enough to try on their own from everything they've been taught and learned. I feel that's important.

I just...I feel so passionate and guilty that I don't have the option to do something about these feelings other than practice them with my Eevee. I lost out on many opportunities. I felt I wanted to write them down for myself and for anybody else who wants to read my thoughts, I suppose. Hopefully I can look back on this and keep reminding myself these things.

[steviehapless-blog]

There’s something wrong with me. Wont you come fix me? Bring me a needle and thread, sew my wounds. Don’t scream at me, I’m trying to behave, I’ve started to break again, I’m porcelain, hand me the glue. I’ll fix myself this time, I’m sorry I lost my head again, can you help me find it? I’ve looked everywhere, but I can’t put myself back together if I can’t. Will you help me? No. I’m on my own again? that’s okay. Maybe I’ve lost it in the cracks and crevices of your lips. The words that hit and didn’t miss. I didn’t miss a word you said. I’ve lost my head and I’m trying to find it again. In my head, there lies my mind. I’ve lost my mind too, I’ve come unglued. The rest of me feels like I’m searching and searching, but i can’t see, I can’t think, I can just do until I run into my head again. I feel my head coming back to me, I feel it on my fingertips. It’s rolling around and I can feel the cold wind from it spinning. My head is spinning. I’m a little dizzy, but you rest my head on my neck, you put me back again. I start to think, maybe you want to fix me, but my hands are missing. I can’t lose my mind, but I’ve lost my touch. Where are my hands? I have no time for this. Help me find my hands, they’re in something. You’re holding my hands. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. You’ve sewn me back together, but my heart is missing. I think I gave it to you, but I cant remember. Doesn’t that mean you can control how alive I’ll be? Give me my heart back. I don’t want this anymore. I just want to stop falling apart.

[steviehapless-blog]

bump

[steviehapless-blog]

Ms. take your mistakes.

Everybody writes poetry. You can’t pursue anything with that talent. Writing? Ha. You care too much what people think. Am I not supposed to care about what goes on in that pretty little head of yours? I can’t pursue anything. Broken dreams. Living vicariously. Dead inside, but I’m crying. If numbness was a feeling. You cant FEEL numb. I cant feel anything but my heart punching me.

What am I ever even trying to feel? Always on display, always set to entertain and be an example. Never cared about in the right way. Just a living mistake, take a number and sit down in your place. Watch and wait, I’ll make the mistake for you. I’ll bury the pain and guilt within me, you’ll never have to feel anything. You’ll never have to take responsibility. You’ll never have to be anything but happy. Your life can be perfect, just let me take your pain, take the blame, make everything my mistake. My mistake. Miss mistake. Ms. Take your mistakes.

[steviehapless-blog]

I guess I’m crazy. Bat shit crazy, they say.

I guess I deserve better things. Better things, they say.

I guess I’m not living right. Living wrong, they say.

I guess I’m not thinking clearly again. Think clearly, they say.

I guess I’m not with the right person. Wrong person, they say.

I guess, they know. They know, I guess, they say.

I guess I’m going down the wrong path. The right path, they don’t say.

I guess I’m crazy. The sane, they don’t say.

I guess I deserve better things. The better things, where are they?

They dont say.

I’m not living right.

I’m not thinking clearly.

I’m not with the right person.

They know, I guess.

They say they know, but they don’t tell me, they don’t show me

They don’t help me, but they know everything.

I guess I’m just bat shit crazy.