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Five Months

Five months of being a mama. I cannot believe my little boy is five months! One more month and he is half a year and that is so crazy to me. I remember when I was pregnant I just wanted time to go faster because I wanted to meet Eli already, but now that I can hold him in my arms and kiss him and play with him, I just want time to stop moving. Why is he growing up so fast, it isn’t fair.

Anyway, five month Eli can now lift his chest up when he does tummy time. He is teething, its horrible, but were getting through it. He is not eating at night as much as he used to. He’ll wake up once to eat and maybe once because he just needs to be repositioned. He is also, kind of sleeping on his own and sleeping on his crib. He smiles A LOT still and he is starting to notice whenever we are there and when we leave his sight and he cries when we do, its the cutest thing. I think he only does it when he's tired or wants to be held. 

Agh, i will say it again, I cannot believe my little boy is five months. I love him so much! 

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My milk is finally starting to dwindle. Today was the very first day I went a whole day without pumping and it's not really hurting me too much. I have to admit, it is making me very sad. Breastfeeding made me feel so powerful. I was producing so much milk. Enough milk for Eli to gain great weight. I really don't know how to fully let go of it.

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Three weeks. I have three full weeks left till I have to go back to school. Sometimes I get really upset with myself. Why am I so selfish? Why did I bring Eli into this world when I wasn't even ready to be a mother yet. Why didn't I think about it being unfair that school is going to take up the time I have to spend time with him. Why did I let this happen. But then at the same time, I am proud of myself. When I found out I was pregnant, I tried to hide it from everyone. I had it marked on my calendar, the day I was gonna tell my parents and the closer that day came, the more abortion became an option. The more adoption sounded better. I tried to hide it, but reality caught up with me. So when I think about that, I begin to feel happy and proud that I was brave enough to bring Eli to this world despite the challenges I faced and the judgement I received from people. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how this school semester will treat me knowing I have another lady taking care of my baby when I should be the one doing it. It's unfair for the both of us. It's unfair for him. Usually I put Eli down as much as I can. I try not to hold him for too long so he learns how to be independent and I try to put him down on the bed so he learns how to fall asleep on his own without me having to rock him. But as I am writing this entry right now, he is sound asleep oh my chest. He loves it. I'm going to try to hold him as much as I can these next few weeks. Ugh, being a mother is emotionally painful.

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Post Weaning Anxiety/Depression/Blues

Ugh I’m just going to rant right here.

I wasn’t ready to let go of breastfeeding. It was definitely something I had to do. Everyday I keep reminding myself it’s what’s best for the both of us. Eli is so much better on formula. Sure he isn’t getting my breastmilk anymore but atleast he got four months of it and I tried my best. Plus, he’s so much happier on formula. He isn’t as fussy, cranky, angry. He also isn’t as itchy and I don’t have to keep bathing him in hydrocortisone. I know, a part of me wants to go back and make the choice of cutting milk, eggs, soy, and peanut out of my diet. Plus my milk supply isn’t down just yet so I still have time to build it back up again. But at the same time it’s very time consuming and I’m going back to school in about three weeks so it’s bound to happen anyway.

The past couple of nights I’ve been feeling really down especially at night because at night he nurses even longer. I searched online and there is such a thing as post weaning depression/anxiety or sadness/blues. I don’t think I have depression but I definitely feel ‘bleh’. I feel COMPLETELY defeated and I feel like someone stole something from me.

Going into breastfeeding, I never knew it would mean this much to me. I knew of the physical pain that came with it from cracked nipples to waking up in the middle of the night with two boobies hard as rocks leaking everywhere. Man it hurt. I remember having to pump every time before I had to nurse Eli or else he’d choke, so feeding him literally took a whole HOUR. The physical pain was hard, but I dealt with it and I’d go through it over again, but ugh, no one ever told me it would be even harder saying goodbye to it.

I remember whenever Eli was cranky I would just let him latch on and he’d calm down right away. When he used to be so gassy and would have hiccups the whole day, I would let him have a little bit of my milk and the hiccups would go away. I remember coming home to him from the lantern fest, being away from him for about 12 hours, so excited because I get to nurse him and look at him looking at me. I remember him latching off just to smile back at me, then he’d go back to drinking his milk again.

WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL 😭

I guess the one of the reasons why I am really heartbroken is because I had to stop so early. Stopping at four months was definitely NOT my plan. I’m also very upset because I worked SO hard to get comfortable with breastfeeding for this to happen. I cried while trying and I remember almost giving up while calling my lactation consultant almost every day.

The main reason why I am heartbroken is because it meant so much to me. Not only was he getting good nutrients, but breastfeeding was something only I could provide Eli and no one else. Anyone can give him a bottle. Heck, a stranger could give him a bottle, but only I could nurse him. It was such a special bond between the both of us and now it’s not there.

I just have to remind myself this is what's best for Eli. Part of the reason why it's so hard for me to stop it because I'm so selfish. I don't want to stop because I'll miss the bonding. But I have to learn how to let that thought go. Part of motherhood is to start thinking about your child and not just yourself. It's just so difficult.

Ugh hopefully this feeling is just a phase I’ll get over. Not gonna lie, I feel like I failed as a mom.

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My heart ♥️

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My Breastfeeding Journey

Unfortunately some things have to come to an end and unfortunately I don’t have control over everything, although I wish I did.

I have finally, full of sadness, decided to stop breastfeeding. It’s definitely earlier than I planned, but like I said, I don’t have control over everything. It took me a month to think about this, but I have to do what’s best for Eli and I also have to do what keeps more more sane. I will explain in this post why I finally decided to stop.

When Eli turned three months, his eczema on his body got worse. LIKE WAY WORSE. Before it used to be just little dry spots here and there and they were never on his belly or his back, they were always just on his legs or his arms, but they slowly started appearing on his back and they would turn into scabs. Also his cradle cap would always come back and it would get worse and worse and we were literally back and forth in his pediatrician’s office every week. It got to the point were the nurses saw me all the time and said “you’re here again?”

The doctor finally gave us some hydrocortisone and it cleared up his body within two days but whenever we stopped giving it to him, it would flare back up again. I started to think, using my mommy instincts, that something was really wrong and he did not just have eczema. Then one morning, I woke up, he had rashes ALL OVER HIS FACE. I started to cry because ever since his eczema on his face cleared up when he turned  a month, his face has been clear! We went to his doctor that very same day and I asked them to test his stool and they found a trace of blood. They diagnosed Eli with CMPI (Cow’s milk protein intolerance).

What that basically means is that his body thinks that the protein that comes from cow’s milk is dangerous so it starts to react to it, kind of like an allergic reaction, hence the eczema and the cradle cap that keeps coming back. His doctor then told me to stay away from dairy and soy as well, if I wanted to keep breastfeeding him, and I did. For three months, he was gaining beautiful weight just from my milk alone so I was determined to keep going and I didn’t want to stop.

Fast forward to now. I did a dairy and soy free diet for about a month and after a couple of days I did notice a change in Eli, but still I kept nursing him and his rashes still kept coming back and he was so uncomfortable he’d wake up i the middle of the night screaming because he was so itchy. He also started to hate baths because the water would burn his skin. Just about two days ago I took him for an allergy test and found out he’s allergic to milk, eggs, and peanuts. I can still nurse him, but I would have to stay away from foods that contained those three things and its too hard for me to do so. Plus, I don’t want to risk having a slip up and causing a flare up on Eli’s body making his tummy and his skin uncomfortable. his pediatrician gave us a formula to try out and when we gave it to him, we had a completely different baby. He was definitely a lot more comfortable and he wasn’t waking up in the middle of the night screaming in itchiness, though he does still wake up crying cause he’s hungry.

Changing him to formula took a lot out of me. I never judge how a mother feeds their kid, but for me, since breastfeeding was something that meant so much to me, I cried a lot because I felt like I failed as a mother. But seeing him act differently after putting him on formula, in a good way, makes me feel a little better. Plus, I did do four months of breastfeeding, which for my situation, is better than not trying at all because I really did want to breastfeed. 

Below is a comparison of Eli’s left arm. 

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Four Month Update

Ugh, I am two days late on posting this, but hello everyone!

I have decided to do a monthly update on Eli on this blog. I honestly originally wanted to do this on Youtube and vlog but honestly, it’s hard to edit videos when you’re taking care of a baby. HARD.

So here it is! Eli is four months already. Ugh time is so fast. I know it sounds cliche but it literally seems like yesterday I just gave birth to him. Now he’s four months! I can’t believe I am saying this, but it’s finally getting easier (kind of?) to take care of him. He has a schedule now, which I am trying to stick to especially because he’s going to daycare in about a month. He naps about two or three times a day and he eats every three hours seven to eight times a day and he can finish a 4oz bottle. If he gets anymore than that, prepare your burp cloths because it will get messy. He goes to bed around 6:45, the latest maybe 7:30, and he’ll sleep straight four maybe four hours, five hours max, and he’ll get hungry again. He is a co-sleeping baby and he loves it, though he sleeps or naps in his swings during the day. A lot of doctors say I can start him on solids now, but I want to wait when he’s six months.

Ugh this kid LOVES to smile. The second he wakes up and sees my face, he smiles. When you sing, he smiles. When you talk to him, he smiles. He just smiles and smiles. Generally, he is a happy baby and that is mostly because we’ve figured out and fixed the issues we had trouble with (reflux, eczema, allergies). He recently learned (as in maybe two or three days ago) how to roll over fully, though it takes him a while with some encouragement (Go eli, go eli!) and found his toes! He started loving bath time again and loves to be worn. I normally use the solly baby wrap or the ergo baby carrier. I walked around the city wit him already and he loves looking at the tall buildings. 

Honestly, the faster he’s growing, the more emotional I get. Sometimes I lay down holding him in my arms, silently wishing time would rewind back to the day I had him. I would do that a million times just for him. Four months into motherhood and I still cannot believe I have a freaking baby and that he is half me and half the man that I love and my belly grew him! I can’t believe I used to look at Eli through ultrasounds and now he’s here and I get to see him grow up. 

I cannot picture my life without Eli and don’t even want to remember what it was like without him. He has changed my life COMPLETELY and I am forever thankful to God that He placed Eli in my life. 

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Eli’s eczema.

Some of you may know my son has eczema. Top three pictures are pictures of him when his eczema and baby acne was TERRIBLE. The bottom pictures are some pictures I took of him recently and his face is still as clear as those pictures. I was really discouraged when his eczema flared up for the first time. It came out of nowhere, but with advice from his doctor and a little research myself, I was able to figure out what products were good in terms of controlling his flare ups.

His baby acne is completely gone. Baby acne is super normal and most babies do get it and it will go away on its own. I was never really worried about his baby acne UNTIL his eczema made his baby acne look way worse. 

After some research, I found four products that really worked well on Eli’s skin and I started seeing results like days after. 

So the first row is literally the day it flared up. The second row was two days after applying Vanicream and Aquaphor three times a day on his face. You can see there’s discoloration going on and I asked his doctor if that was normal and he said yes. usually when babies have eczema, the flare ups inflame the skin causing it to turn red. Once it heals the inflammation goes away and some discoloration can go with that. 

After the discoloration went away, I started using California Baby Calendula Cream which works wonders! I replaced the Vanicream with it and used the Vanicream just on his body and I still put aquaphor on his face and his body as well, three times  a day.

The third row are pictures of Eli now and now I only moisturize his face with the Calendula cream and put the Aveeno nightime balm every night and every morning, so twice a day. 

Now when Eli has flare ups, I use the Vanicream on his face with the aquaphor and it usually goes down the day after. Then from there I’ll use the Calendula cream and the nightime balm again. He rarely has flareups as bad as the first time, but he still does get it, but I definitely don’t stress over it now.

MOMS, REMEMBER, it’s not your fault. 

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How is it like being a mother?

Every single time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while, they always ask me this. How is it like being a mother. Well, for one, I totally didn’t plan to be a mom at my age. I’m not too young, though I do act like it. I am 24 years old and in my opinion, that is not too young to have child, but this was definitely not on my agenda. I planned to be married at 26 and have my very first kid at 27. I wanted to graduate college first, especially after taking semesters off here and there. That was my plan. 

How is it like being a mother? 

It’s tough. I remember Eli’s first night at the hospital, it was a breeze. Second day, he mostly slept the whole day, even when visitors came in. But the second night, oh man, Fitz and I only slept for maybe an hour total. The nurses like to call it ‘second night syndrome’ and this is when the baby wants to feed every hour. It was tough. My milk was not in, I only had colostrum coming out and even that was hard for me to do. The hospital I stayed at refused to give me formula because they were ‘baby friendly’ meaning they push and push breastfeeding. Was I not trying? Honestly, I think I stressed out from trying too hard. Eli didn’t latch on very well so every time he was hungry I had to call the nurse to come in and help me to help him latch on. Before giving birth, breastfeeding was my plan, but at that point I thought it wouldn’t even happen. Even though Eli was getting the colostrum he needed to fill him up, he still cried every thirty minutes to an hour leaving me cranky and frustrated and angry. You should have seen Fitz. Welcome to parenthood, we both said to each other. I remember shedding tears thinking Eli would get dehydrated because even though he was slowly learning how to latch on to my breast, nothing was coming out. 

Finally, we were able to come home. First night out of the hospital, TERRIBLE. Once again, a total of one hour of sleep for the both of us. No milk yet, so we bought formula, but I kept Eli on my breast all the time and did skin to skin to encourage my milk supply to come in. After a few days later my milk supply was finally in and I was able to feed Eli strictly from my breasts. That sure made me happy and it made him happy too. I thought to myself, ‘oh the rough part is over, now that my milk is in, maybe motherhood won’t be so tough anymore’ but nope, I was wrong.

How is it like being a mother?

It’s painful. Though my milk was in, it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows after that. Even though Eli was gaining weight perfectly, especially after losing more than 7% of his birthweight, we struggled with more things again. This time, painful things, emotionally and physically. 

About a week or two after I gave birth, I was always so sad. I would look at Eli and be amazed at how I was able to nourish and grow him inside of me, but once I looked away and especially once Fitz went back to work, emotionally, I wasn’t okay. I cried a lot, for no reason. I would lock myself in our room with Eli and just watch him sleep. Whenever family came over to visit, it bothered me. I didn’t want anyone near me and I didn’t want to leave the house AT ALL. I never wanted to hurt myself or my son, I was just so sad. I started thinking about other things and would make them a bigger deal than they actually were and would cry and cry again. Fortunately for me, this emotional phase gradually left my system. But that wasn’t all of it.

BREASTFEEDING WAS PAINFUL. My nipples were sore and cracked. At one point I saw them bleed, but not too much. Everytime Eli would latch on to my breast, there would be this unexplainable stinging pain that would last for ten seconds and just leave. I swear if they lasted longer, I probably would have stopped breastfeeding. In the morning my breasts were always full and engorged. I went through a phase called ‘oversupply and forceful letdown’ and this did not just bother me, but it bothered Eli too. I had so much milk that when it was feeding time and Eli would drink from my breasts, so much milk would flow out all at once that it would choke him. I had to keep pumping before feeding him or else, he’ll choke and that was worst because I would have to sit there and watch him cry of hunger while I was pumping out excess milk. I mean yeah, I was feeding him and he was getting everything he needed, even more and I saw rolls forming on his arms and legs, but those rolls came with a price.

How is it like being a mother?

Sometimes discouraging. When Eli turned a month, his face broke out! It literally came out of nowhere. The night before it was all clear, then the next day his face was just ALL RED. We took him to the doctors and the doctor said it was baby acne with mild eczema. MILD ECZEMA even though it was really bad in my opinion. He had patches of baby acne and then just red patches on his cheeks and his chin and they would bleed. I couldn’t believe that my one month old baby was going through this. Fitz has eczema, but I didn’t know Eli would get it so young. It was definitely discouraging. I had people tell me;  ‘maybe it’s your breastmilk’, ‘maybe you should stop breastfeeding for a while and see what happens’. I didn’t stop though I probably would have if it weren’t for the research I did on creams and lotions for eczema.

Eli also went through a period of extreme gassiness and (still) reflux. He would cry and cry because it made him so uncomfortable and it hurt him. Once again, I had people tell me to stop breastfeeding for a while to see what happens and once again I didn’t listen to them. 

As a mom, we can only do so much for our babies. The first two months of Eli’s life, I learned so much. I learned that babies are going to cry. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you or they hate you. They just cry, that’s what they do. I also learned that baby acne and baby eczema is completely normal. In my head I just felt discouraged and upset because Eli’s face was completely red while other babies were smooth and that was unfair for me to think. I also learned that they are going to go through phases of gassiness and also phases of reflux. Their digestive system is still so immature and still need time to work things out on their own. 

I learned that though Eli went through so much discomfort and pain his first two months of life, none of it is really my fault. 

How is it like being a mother?

IT’S REWARDING. And this feeling trumps all the tough, painful, and discouraging days of my journey of being a mother. Being a mother is so so great. Being a mother is getting four hours of sleep and being okay with it. It’s waking up in the middle of the night, tired, but happy once you see your baby’s face satisfied from the milk. It’s shedding a tear when you see them smile at you for the first time. It’s crying with them when they get their first shots and giving them cuddles after. It’s your photo gallery filled with THOUSANDS of weird, silly, and cute pictures of them. It’s shopping more of them instead of yourself. It’s forgetting and not caring to put makeup on because you only care to make sure they’re dressed right for the weather and make sure they’re not too cold or too hot. It’s cuddling with them early in the morning and late at night. It’s giving them random kisses even when they’re sound asleep. It’s looking at your husband or your significant other and telling them ‘I can’t believe this is our son.” It’s thanking God everyday for making you a mom and telling him “Thank you that even though I had my whole life planned out, you had a much better plan for me.” 

I love being a mother. 

I love being his mother.

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Hey guys, I am back after being gone for so long, but here is a video of my labor and delivery! 

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Oh hey guys, I gave birth ♥️♥️

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I’m getting maternity pictures done and I am so excited!