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Reminder: If a dad says something sexy like “I might finally put up that bike rack this weekend” , don’t accidentally take all your clothes off. Instead try something more subtle like “oh cool”

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- You Won’t Believe the 20 Places this Highschooler Found to Eat Lunch Alone

- Hottie with a Body? : Your Confusing Feelings for your Anatomy Instructor Explained -  Finally, a Definitive List of Boys You Should French By Senior Year. # 6 Will Surprise You! - 16 Things Only 3rd-Period-Gym Kids Will Understand - This 18 Year Old Tries to Come Out to Her Parents. First You’ll be Shocked, Then You’ll Be Inspired (Watch until 2:15, When She Decides Not to do it.) - Fighting With Your Best Friend Re-imagined as Justin Beiber Literally Vomiting - 19 Parties Only Kids Who Aren’t Invited To Parties Will Fantasize About

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How to not flirt with dads part 5

I’m sorry for not addressing this earlier. If a dad asks you if you need him to put oil in your car, definitely don’t respond with “yeah I could use a little oil” or “yeah, oil me up.”

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How to not flirt with dads part 4

Wear your “Ke$ha for President” shirt

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How not to flirt with dads part 3

If you find yourself helping a dad put together some ikea furniture and he asks you for a philips head, hand him a wrench or a hammer. Your ignorance of tools will be a huge turn-off for him.

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How to not flirt with dads part 2

As summer rolls around, you may find yourself in the throes of some serious dad-lust. Many among us will be invited to our fair share of cook outs, and who else will be tenderly flipping the burgers and discussing the importance of “sealing in the juices” but a dad. You may find yourself face to face with some serious cargo shorts, polos, ball caps, and don’t get me started on the gently protruding bellies. I know what you’re thinking. “But casey, we made it through memorial day right? Surely the worst is over?” Maybe. But maybe not. I don’t mean to downplay memorial day- a dad-minefield if there ever was one-but let’s not forget the fourth of July, graduation parties, Kelsey’s birthday, labor day, and your run-of-the-mill grill christenings. With this in mind, here are some more helpful ways to avoid flirting with dads. Don’t go near the grill. Just don’t do it. If he asks you “burger or dog?”, shout your answer back at him from a distance. Send his son back to him with the information. Or fill up on potato salad. Don’t say both. Don’t tell him to surprise you. So help me god, don’t ask if he needs help. The second you get in there and see him with spatula in hand, you’re done. Cool your loins by jumping into the sprinkler with his kids. Ignore his questions about how you like your meat (don’t say “rare”, and really don’t say “the way I like my men”) by telling a boring story about Jen P., Vicky, and Fat Vicky at school. Start reciting Ke$ha lyrics. I usually go with “Don't care who's watching when we tearing it up (You Know) That magic that we got nobody can touch (For sure)” Maybe throw glitter on the grill? But ultimately the best defense here is to tell him you’re vegan and then say “quinoa” (keenwa).

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How to not flirt with dads

When a Dad asks you what your favorite music is, don’t say The Who. Don’t say The Beatles. Don’t say the Rolling Stones. Don’t say The Ramones. Don’t mention the 60s. Don’t mention the 70s. If its a young Dad, don’t even mention the 80s. Don’t even answer the question. Or say Ke$ha. 

When a Dad asks you about your interests and hobbies, don’t say sports. Don’t know about sports. Don’t say yard work, or building decks. Definitely don’t say cars or boats or talk about your time in the navy. Say Ke$ha. 

When a Dad offers to drive you home because your parents are late or your ride bailed on you, don’t thank him by sitting on his lap the whole way home. Sit on your own seat. Don’t talk, but if you must, definitely don’t talk about how you don’t fit in with kids your own age. Don’t mention that you have an old soul. For the love of god don’t use the word “mature”. Just blast some Ke$ha and look out the window with all your clothes on. 

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Collin is the most honest person I know. You can see right through him. Right. Through. Him.

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Are you impressed. Are you.

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Seven Things Feminism Never Taught Me

1 How to crack an egg with only one hand (I kind of am learning all the time)

2 Computer programming (No one taught me this)

3 Mandarin (No one taught me this either either)

4 Stick shift ( my friend taught me)

5 The difference between Diet Coke and regular Coke (They taste different so I never needed to be taught)

6 How to do a backflip (Those are hard)

7 Cursive (I think probably a teacher taught me at some point)

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I like long walks on the beach carrying you

- God

-Yoga studio poet man

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I’m a smart, strong, independent parasite that doesn’t need nobody except my host body.

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Worst Jobs according to Forbes

Linguist

Dancer

Dancing Linguist

Produce lady

Crafts

NPR person

Podcast-listener

Bound and gagged confined to a box

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Colors: What’s in this spring?

Tooth Bone Nail Milk Claw Fuschia 

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Moving forward

Walking

Running

Rolling

Crawling

Scooching

Getting dragged

Driving

Biking

Walking really slowly