stormlightmeatmancer

[stormlightmeatmancer]

So meat has a grain to it, right? All the muscle fibers all go in one direction which often gives meat its texture. But what about meat that has been meatmanced? We don’t know what sort of meat this is, it’s just nondescript meat, and it feels like it would require too much effort and mental linguistics to specify the direction of those delicious meat fibers to all go in one direction to make... some kind of meat steak.

Hotdogs. I believe that meat that has been brought into this world by the powers of a meatmancer would be that of hotdogs. The mechanically reclaimed meat you find in hotdogs has no direction, it has no grain, it is just pure meat. Everyone on Roshar when chowing down on their sticks of meat are actually eating pure hotdogs, fresh from the brine that is the cognitive realm. Prepared expertly by the powers of a meatmancer.

Some may assume that mincemeat is also a viable option for meatmancy meat, but even minced meat still ends up having a definable grain brought about the mincing process, when I want my meat to have no grain, brought about through the mancing process!

If you were to meatmance someone, you would turn them into a giant human hotdog. If a meatmancer were to let loose you could find yourself with a hotdog house. When meatmancy is allowed to run free, we will have hotdogs transformed into... hotdogs!

[stormlightmeatmancer]

Brandy Sandy says that he felt inspired over the last two years, during the pandemic, to write several novels, putting us all to shame. But, you know what else happened over the pandemic? My eyes were opened to the truths of Meatmancy.

I can only assume that AT LEAST one of the several novels that Sanderson is releasing is a dedicated meatmancing expedition, finally giving it the attention it deserves. Sure, he said that only three of the books are cosmere based, which means I expect a trilogy of meatmanced antics.

It makes sense.

[stormlightmeatmancer]

If you start listening to any of the audio books of The Stormlight Archive at any point before New Years, when the clock strikes midnight you still won't have heard a single mention of meatmancy.

[stormlightmeatmancer]

Is meatmancy vegan?

I don’t know if on Roshar they’re super worried about animal cruelty and the like, everything is made out of crabs so I assume it’s hard to avoid eating crab, but I was wondering if meatmancy would be considered vegan.

If you were to meatmance a random rock into meat, can you happily eat that meat knowing the meat you eat has not been beat....en to death to provide tasty delicious meat? I would argue that yes, meatmancy is vegan as sure it’s meat, but it used to be an entire wall of a house, now it’s lunch. No one has had to suffer for this meat, well, except maybe the owner of the house, but you’re a meatmancer, you do what you want.

BUT THEN WHAT IF, what if someone’s been soulcast into stone by a boring soulcaster. Snore. You, the sly meatmancer, sneak into the family crypt and turn that statue of the old king into a tasty meat based snack. Is that vegan? Is it cannibalism? Is it any different than making human shaped meat sticks out of kebab meat?

Yes, the Stormlight Archive asks a lot of questions about the value in how others revere the symbol of a person or group, yes it asks a lot of questions about what is honour, and yes, it asks a lot of questions about what is right and wrong, but it doesn’t ask whether if I turned a statue formed of a dead king’s body into meat, will I go to jail for A) Cannibalism, B) Breaking vegan law or C) Desecrating a grave.

And why am I persecuted for it, when what I’m doing is perfectly right. The will of the meatmancer. The will... of the meat.

[stormlightmeatmancer]

If we’re being honest, just between you and me, if anyone were to be a meatmancer it’d be a Lightweaver.

The Unseen Court? More like The Very Meat-Based Court.

Only someone as extra as one of those theatre kids with magical powers could have the aspiration to take the heavenly mantle of Meatmancy.

Sure, there’s a pragmatic logic of using meatmancy. It logically seems like the most powerful power in the cosmere, but those Elsecallers are going to be too busy trying to work out the meat to truly understand the meat.

The meat of meatmancing.

[stormlightmeatmancer]

You know how when we see Soulcasters that they’re all these body horror stories of the corrupting nature of power as their bodies all turn into smoke or plants or something and it’s sad?

Surely Meatmancers are, one again, the most powerful beings and an unstoppable force? Oh no, my meat has turned into... more meat? A meatmancer running around, meatmancing a house into some kind of meat based meal and they must slowly suffer the curse of their flesh... turning to meat!

I assume you just grow more meat from your meat. Like, a big piece of gammon hangs off the back of your hand.... or like, a meatball begins growing from your face in search of a delicious ragu.

There are no consequences to meatmancy, everyone should meatmance. Join the Meatmancers.

[stormlightmeatmancer]

We all know Jasnah is really cool and all, like, hot damn, when she just turned a man into smoke and then he stopped existing, good gravy.

But what if.... what if she turned a man just... into meat? She straight up meatmances a mostly meat man into an entirely meat man. Just his eyeballs turning into two meatballs in their sockets. His friends look on from behind, assuming all his normal, until his coat and trousers become a thin layer of non-descript meat, then he falls back, slapping onto the rocks. He is meat now.

One with the meat.

Jasnah could do it, I think she’s a meatmancer at heart.

[stormlightmeatmancer]

Here’s a weird thought. In Alethi culture, they soulcast people’s bodies into stone once they die, but what happens if you were to meatmance them back into meat?

Is there going to be a grand plot where they try and bring Gavilar back from the dead by employing the powerful skills of a meatmancer to meatify his stone? Or would he just be a big Gavilar shaped chunk of wobbling meat?

[stormlightmeatmancer]

Look if I sit around fantasizing about transforming random objects into meat and calling myself a meatmancer, then someone on Roshar DEFINITELY is also doing the exact same thing and it is a crime that Brandon Sanderson has yet to have an interlude from the POV of “The Meatmancer”

Just various hijinks of turning walls into non-descript meat. Turn a whole book into meat, with thin meat pages. Is that wooden fence post important? Now it’s a meat post, and is just another meaty chapter in the tale of a meatmancer.

The possibilities are meat.

[stormlightmeatmancer]

So, let’s call Soulcasters who use the 10th essence what they are. Meatmancers. They turn things into meat.

Why do we not see more meatmancers, and more importantly, why are there not more problems solved through the use of meatmancy.

Sure, turning that big rock into smoke was impressive, Jasnah, but why not turn it into a big slab of meat and have everyone chew their way out?!