strangepersonthefirst

[strangepersonthefirst]

Is what's left just staring around me at the blood of the thing I gutted? is this the price of cowardice? I don't think I deserve to exist in the same fucking circles, and yet. And yet. I look left, and another friend of someone I lost comes along and enjoys something I left on the windowsill. I look right, and a friend I never lost reminds me. Is it gone, or am I afraid to find out it's just me self-isolating? I can't be around reverie. For a lot of reasons, frankly. Probably a bad idea to talk to the dawn system, to be honest. all I can do is try in 7 days. And we'll see how much of an idiot I am.

[strangepersonthefirst]

found a better thing to say to sneezing than "bless you"

the world isn't ready for my genius

[strangepersonthefirst]

man, idk. median systemhood is weird when it happens that I have a MAJOR drift. because most of the time, Me and Pointed One are basiccallyyyy on the same page, all the time.

But we aren't right now, so the division is odd. It's weird. I'm only out so often because Pointed One just. Hates being out as mal is right now. Very sad. all the time. Sucks. Of course.. it'll happen come august. and then we'll both be awful about everything. for now, it's good though.

[strangepersonthefirst]

Per my last reblog, it's frustrating how many people irl I've encountered who just turn to ai for everything now.

Last week my boss tried to fix our printer. Using chatgpt.

Using chatgpt to fix a printer sounds like one of those grueling tasks performed by sinners for eternity you'd read about in Dante's Inferno.

[strangepersonthefirst]

By the way, the prosecution just violated Luigi Mangione's HIPAA rights and I have not seen people talking much about it

[strangepersonthefirst]

actually? fucking actually? I do have the right. Because I remember something specific. I gave lux my true name. I gave that fucker my goddamn truename. Pointed One's name. Our Only Name that is a Name. Fuck you. Out of all the goddamn things in this world either of us betrayed? That is well and truly over either of us holding a hand and promising to pull the other up. I told you exactly who I was, by name. I let go because I was afraid to drag you down. You let go because you didn't like the frog you saw at the bottom of the well. And fuck you for judging me at my worst.

god, I reopened those dms. So I could really see and learn. Why do I/Pointed One (therapist given designation we liked.) want this so fucking badly. I don't know why we want to sit and pick at this until a bone breaks. It's not gonna work. Promising to never talk practice, or be magic, in their space? that's not what we want. We want what we had, except that's not going to HAPPEN, or come to pass. here they are. healing from everything we are, while we tear our flesh open. Why do we want this. Why am I letting this happen at all. I could, we could, live to be a hurricane. we could also just flat die as we are. Would either even change what we did? I don't think so, I really don't. God, I can't even think about R-- right now without just being fucking furious. And I don't have the right, and I don't care what kind of fucking right I had, because I ripped myself open for your stability, don't give a damn who caused it. I sat there, tore open one of my only values for you, freaked out over it in every possible way because it was a core value, and you didn't have the fucking capability to understand I was asking you to affirm it. I didn't have the words to say I needed the value affirmed (that I cannot do this to someone, ever) but You sat there and let me fly with a tear in my self, and who I am. Pride? oh yes, I am prideful, and I'm prideful because I fucking hate everything else about myself. Being Magic, being Strong, are the only damn things I get any realistic value out of. Everything else I have ever had hurt people long before it helped someone. Being strong helped brooks. It helped Ardent, and Emory once upon a time, and I thought at one point it helped Shep too. I'm so gods-damned prideful about my practice because I have fuckall else to be proud about. And that blinded me. So it's not worth being proud over, either. I feel abandoned, and it's my fault, because I let go. I can't ask for a promise I broke to be affirmed. It's still my fault. I sat there, and I tried so goddamned hard to never, ever fault you for not being ardent. Never fault you growing up to your face. Even if things get better- Even if pointed one/magic/bigger self heals from what happened, and somehow everything else heals? I can't talk to you. I don't want to. Let the people you're headmates with decide that I'm not worth your time, and that brooks fighting for me is too far gone.

I said I wouldn't get bitter and I lied. Because you always had the right to ask, and I had the right to react. But it was only you who had that right. And apparently, first impressions make the game even a month in. You didn't know me. Maybe you knew pointed one- Maybe you knew who we were before we tore ourselves open for you, or maybe you never got the chance because we tied ourselves tight enough to not let you see grieving. But you didn't know Me, Strange. And I don't want to know you anymore. I'll be a hurricane in word alone, because this will somehow get back to you, and light the fire long before Pointed Self comes and tries to ask about new boundaries, different life, just learning. But even then? Mal will ask that we don't have to befriend you again. And that will be me. It'll be me until the day you apologize. I would have set myself on fire just so you felt a degree warmer. Know that and choke on it.

[strangepersonthefirst]

and, in case it wasn't obvious? Yeah, I resonate with my own mashup. Yeah, I bat around the idea of everyone failing, but I'm the only one who has. I felt like that at the time I made it. Only thing I am good for is failing. I failed to live up to everything I needed to be.

"I still failed, In the end."

[strangepersonthefirst]

am I a parasite or person?

who knows.

both can drain the other of blood.

[strangepersonthefirst]

I am bitching so much. Honestly shoot me in the skull I deserve it

[strangepersonthefirst]

We're at "disappear our political opponents" levels of fascism now

Zohran needs round the clock protection, I fear for this man's life and wellbeing.

[strangepersonthefirst]

[strangepersonthefirst]

"I still failed, In the end."

[strangepersonthefirst]

Apparently perisex people on tiktok have decided that genderfluid or genderflux isn't a good enough term for them and decided to call themselves interbinary or just straight up intergender. Because intersex people can never have anything ever.

[strangepersonthefirst]

[strangepersonthefirst]

god, I reopened those dms. So I could really see and learn. Why do I/Pointed One (therapist given designation we liked.) want this so fucking badly. I don't know why we want to sit and pick at this until a bone breaks. It's not gonna work. Promising to never talk practice, or be magic, in their space? that's not what we want. We want what we had, except that's not going to HAPPEN, or come to pass. here they are. healing from everything we are, while we tear our flesh open. Why do we want this. Why am I letting this happen at all. I could, we could, live to be a hurricane. we could also just flat die as we are. Would either even change what we did? I don't think so, I really don't. God, I can't even think about R-- right now without just being fucking furious. And I don't have the right, and I don't care what kind of fucking right I had, because I ripped myself open for your stability, don't give a damn who caused it. I sat there, tore open one of my only values for you, freaked out over it in every possible way because it was a core value, and you didn't have the fucking capability to understand I was asking you to affirm it. I didn't have the words to say I needed the value affirmed (that I cannot do this to someone, ever) but You sat there and let me fly with a tear in my self, and who I am. Pride? oh yes, I am prideful, and I'm prideful because I fucking hate everything else about myself. Being Magic, being Strong, are the only damn things I get any realistic value out of. Everything else I have ever had hurt people long before it helped someone. Being strong helped brooks. It helped Ardent, and Emory once upon a time, and I thought at one point it helped Shep too. I'm so gods-damned prideful about my practice because I have fuckall else to be proud about. And that blinded me. So it's not worth being proud over, either. I feel abandoned, and it's my fault, because I let go. I can't ask for a promise I broke to be affirmed. It's still my fault. I sat there, and I tried so goddamned hard to never, ever fault you for not being ardent. Never fault you growing up to your face. Even if things get better- Even if pointed one/magic/bigger self heals from what happened, and somehow everything else heals? I can't talk to you. I don't want to. Let the people you're headmates with decide that I'm not worth your time, and that brooks fighting for me is too far gone.

I said I wouldn't get bitter and I lied. Because you always had the right to ask, and I had the right to react. But it was only you who had that right. And apparently, first impressions make the game even a month in. You didn't know me. Maybe you knew pointed one- Maybe you knew who we were before we tore ourselves open for you, or maybe you never got the chance because we tied ourselves tight enough to not let you see grieving. But you didn't know Me, Strange. And I don't want to know you anymore. I'll be a hurricane in word alone, because this will somehow get back to you, and light the fire long before Pointed Self comes and tries to ask about new boundaries, different life, just learning. But even then? Mal will ask that we don't have to befriend you again. And that will be me. It'll be me until the day you apologize. I would have set myself on fire just so you felt a degree warmer. Know that and choke on it.

[strangepersonthefirst]

#Repost @mattxiv

may the universe reward their bravery

first image by @soulwork6

[strangepersonthefirst]

nature documentary but the narration is just weird enough to make you question it