studyari

[studyari]

update 6/11/2025

this fellowship is so challenging! I'm stressed but weirdly loving it all, my mentor just started a journal club for us to present scientific papers at T_T I'm drinking hot coffee again and I've been working all day at my desk. I'm so scared honestly and my central nervous system has been so sad, but this is fun in its own way and I'm glad to be here and a part of this crazy machine. also it's been raining so much lately.

I'm pretty sure I've been depressed the last couple of weeks but I'm feeling like today definitely feels different. I am by no means a computer programmer but I'm presenting this mathematical simulation code to the group tomorrow and I am so nervous omg. ahh I'm scared, but it'll be good practice before colloquium, and at least tomorrow right after the meeting, we're going for a cute little walk to see the birds.

[studyari]

5/30/25 Update:

Well I'm here in co! It's my second week so far and I was so so so nervous coming here to this huge research facility, but everyone is soooo welcoming and warm. I was worried I would be getting no break in between ending the semester and starting this opportunity but it's all worked out. I have two desks, so that's cool lol! I officially have a GitHub account and I'm pretty good at unix shell. Currently learning Matlab, but as you might know it was down for a long time so I had to use some work arounds. I'm having fun so far, it's a very autonomous style of work if I'm being honest. And I get to work with engineers, physicists, and mathematicians every day. It's a lot but I don't feel like I don't belong if that makes any sense. I feel good, and the state is beautiful! It's a very small town feel, which I'm not used to lol. I'm working in quantum sensors and I still can't believe I somehow landed this opportunity so far outside my schooling and experience. T_T I'm just very thankful for it all.

Also it's crazy to believe that I was able to handle full time classes, working as a grader for three physics courses, working as a research assistant in the nano-optics lab, and starting a keychain business (random I know), with being able to do all of that and prepare for this opportunity I'm at now which was a lotttt of work, and ending the semester with all A's T_T. I can't believe it! I literally only have one more class to graduate. Sometimes I'll run into "those" stem students that like to make me feel like I'm not doing enough, or going fast enough, but I feel very proud of myself and have accomplished a lot from some girl that literally failed chemistry her first year LOL. But here I am, still here because I didn't give up :-) I'm still learning but I can't let people think I'm supposed to know it all, what's the fun in life if you think you've already got it all figured out?

I'm happy, stressed sure, but thriving and enjoying every second. I really want to branch out more, I'm still a little shy when it comes to talking to people. I just try to be nice, but I can get in the hit of thinking I'm just not there, so people probably think I'm not acknowledging their existence either. Ugh, I need to work on it. I just feel so awkward and creepy for some reason sometimes, like I'll bother anyone I talk to. BUT there's this one girl that is literally so friendly and sweet and she'll talk to anyone, but sometimes people still respond coldly to her so I'm def in my head lol. It'll be okay. Everyone's going through their own thing.

I'm currently at the university right now typing this, I share a big office space with the ECEE grad students. I want to decorate my desk but that might be silly huh, since I'll only be here a few months. I'm going to check up on the cryo room and then dip so I can go on an afterwork hike :-)

[studyari]

wow of course the city i'm interning at is one of the most expensive cities in the nation. i finally had time to look at summer housing/apartments and wHAT THE HELL

[studyari]

3/31/25

My second week proctoring for 200+ students and it went so much more smoothly this time. Ive graded about 1/4 of the exams fully. I end up having to solve four different tests so it takes me a while. I enjoy it and my professor and me get along well. The only thing is balancing this AND research and my 5 classes is pretty difficult for me. But i’m trying my best. Some days I do end up missing class ngl 😭

I hate that I’m so behind on my research. I feel like I haven’t been making great progress especially since I’m really there once a week for a couple hours.

Currently reading: The Disordered Cosmos by Chanda Prescod-Weinstein ♡︎

[studyari]

theoretical + experimental fun

[studyari]

Electric field or smt

[studyari]

Crazy because a year later it actually happened T_T

I'm just going to put it out there because why not! Next summer, I want to do research at NIST or MIT. Quantum measurements, nanodevices, quantum electromagnetics, circuits, etc! Please universe!

[studyari]

[studyari]

[studyari]

3/12/2025

i have exciting news!! i just accepted an offer to NIST as a research fellow for the summer (omg no way) to work in their quantum sensors division. is this a dream!??? like you're kidding????

also got my first paycheck as a grader last week so i'm feeling rich lol

[studyari]

wow its been awhile, I have so many updates but ill just start with the most recent one. I'm a physics grader and had to proctor my first test today (123 students!!!) and it was horribleeeee. Like I didn't know what I was doing and couldn't really help anyone. I also left my ipad in the testing room and walked all over trying to find it meanwhile I had to be in my unifying class lol! anyways I'm really sweaty and hopefully ill get better at this 😭

[studyari]

Took two independent research classes this summer and my research advisor said I have a talent for research T_T. Just wanted to put it down somewhere so I can look back at it.

[studyari]

I'm just going to put it out there because why not! Next summer, I want to do research at NIST or MIT. Quantum measurements, nanodevices, quantum electromagnetics, circuits, etc! Please universe!

[studyari]

4/17/2024

Hello friends, is anyone else experiencing burnout? I'm trying to get approved for independent research over the summer on optics and nanophotolithography. I'm just waiting on a few more signatures! I'll be working about 20 hours a week in the lab, at least. I'm nervous about being so busy, but I know I need the experience to apply to bigger things. I really want to try for MIT, NIST, or even DOE next summer! Research is so stressful, though, and why are posters so expensive to print T_T. I might try to get a little jobby job too, the extra money would be nice.

I don't know if I'm just stressed out about personal things or finals or if my data isn't great and I have to do a poster presentation, but something has me worried. I don't know! After dropping Quantum, my course load is pretty manageable, maybe a little too manageable. But next semester I have to take it *sigh* but anyway I'll update my courses in the next few posts.

The good thing is that my research advisor seems to like me, and I feel happy doing the research because it's actually aligned with my interests but gives me even more! Like optics—I know nothing about that, lol!! I'm also thinking about minoring in astronomy and astrophysics, but I'd have to get that approved; otherwise, I'd have to pay for the classes somehow on my own. We'll see what they say!!

Stressed, unmotivated, and honestly just trying not to get stuck in seeking acceptance or validation of my existence loop. I have a tendency to work hard and overexert myself for things I probably don't even see the value in. But I want to be "useful" to people and respected. I've been letting school become my first priority when, in the grand scheme of things, I should spend more time with people I love and doing things that make me happy. I don't want to dedicate my whole life to trying to be successful. But yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot lately, like, does school even matter to me? Do I wanna go all the way, PhD, etc? Do I want a family? Do I just want to be happy existing as I am? Idk I think I need a break because I'm getting lost in the sauce, and my dreams have been confirming that something is amiss. Anyway, I'll keep on trying to stay positive and try out different things!

[studyari]

1/24/2024

First research experience with university faculty! Literally just got a research advisor TODAY omggg. I'll be working on nano-photolithography and nanofabrication! So basically, it's really really small 3-D printing with an incredibly high resolution. So excited! Still don't know all the details but I'm ready to be in the lab!

1/30/2034 update:

so apparently we're doing work with nano-optics and plasmonics i cant waitttt!

[studyari]

Omg I got accepted into the 2024 cycle of an astrophysics computational research program 😭 I can’t wait omg I really need to work on my programming skills 😂

[studyari]

Spring 2024 (Time is flying, its a bit scary T_T )

♡ - Quantum Mechanics I (dropped LOL)

♡ - Electrodynamics

♡ - Physics Research Laboratory

♡ - Introduction to Visual Arts

♡ - Introduction to American Politics