stupiddeadkitty

[stupiddeadkitty]

Transharmed rant

I was thinking about how if I had had more contact with the rq community I would’ve figured myself out as transharmed much much sooner, every single sign was there

The earliest sign I can think of is being 12 and having this one “friend” I had a weird crush on. He was very obviously struggling mentally and he liked to take it out on everyone else, and being me I would just let him because why not? It was something to do other than sulk and feel terrible all the time (12 was a ROUGH year lmao)

He was always walking the line between flirting by teasing and actual bullying. On his lighter days he’d pull my hair (shoulder length since I couldn’t cut it), make fun of me, be kind of condescending, but still in lighthearted fun. On his worst days he’d go out of his way to misgender me, make fun of my shallow cuts, yell, threaten to actually hurt me, drag me by the wrists to places even with me shouting at him to stop. So that’s fun right?

One memory that specifically stands out was the fact he was a smoker, at 15 he and his friends were already hiding at school to smoke where the teachers couldn’t see them. Me being 12 and raised really religious didn’t really approve or like the habit, and I really did care for him, so I kept trying to get him to stop (which obviously did nothing)

At some point, him and his friends were in a fight for whatever reason, so it was just me and him. Again, me being worried tried talking him into how bad smoking is, yada yada yada. He was already pissed that day, and he was really snippy at that point. He said something along the lines of “How about I put this one out on you? THEN I’ll throw it away, how does that sound to you?” And my response was just a really nervous “no, don’t, my mom will kill me if she sees the marks”

And he kinda just froze there for a moment? Then he goes “that’s your concern? Not the fact it’ll hurt? Because it will, way worse than the little cuts you have” and I just. Wanted to die. Right there. I feel like that made something in me shift a little

I don’t remember how that ended, but I know he ended up not putting it out on me. I do remember he got expelled a little after because he got in a really bad fight with some other kid. I wonder about him a lot

I miss that guy

[stupiddeadkitty]

The blonde era lasted 2 days I’m dying it blue

[stupiddeadkitty]

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚ Cisshscars : A flag for those with cis sh scars!

⋆｡˚ There is no wrong way to use this!!

⋆｡˚ If this exists consider this an alt!!

⋆｡˚ Flag made by Sweetart-luvly! (They/It)

[stupiddeadkitty]

You know what maybe not sleeping does affect me a little

[stupiddeadkitty]

Annoying dramatic rant coming

I think dysphoria might be the thing that ends up killing me one day

I feel so disgusting for even calling myself trans, like I belong in this community, like I have the right to call myself a man in the first place

I am no man, I’m not transitioning, I won’t ever transition, I don’t even try. Being a woman isn’t easy, of course it’s not, but it’s so much easier than being a trans man. And I find myself clinging to femininity for everything. Feeling pretty, succeeding professionally, making my relationships easier, validation as a whole basically. Everything always came so easily to me when I feminized myself.

It sure doesn’t look like it, but I strive for perfection in everything I do, nothing will ever be enough. No weightloss is enough. No drawings I ever make are good enough. No professional achievements are enough, though sometimes they feel like it. No body measurements are good enough. No compliments ever feel real enough for me to believe them. But I can’t stop trying, I’ve lived my entire life chasing better results, and I’m finally getting closer to them, I can’t give up just now. If I did transition it all would go down the drain.

I will choose success over happiness over and over again

I disgust myself with that behavior, how soft spoken I am, with the pretty skirts and makeup, with every feminine mannerisms I use, how minimal space I occupy

I was born a man. I was born to take up space, to be loud, to be heard. I’m so miserably jealous of every single man I see, cis or not. I see my trans friends on T already with facial hair, their deep voices, how no one would ever even consider misgendering them based on what they see

If only I wasn’t such a fucking coward.

I deserve this feeling. And I’ll carry it to the grave after living the easy life I chose for myself

[stupiddeadkitty]

You’re my lovely angel baby

Break my neck and leave me bleeding.

[stupiddeadkitty]

This is me right now (blonde with some blue that faded into green)

I’m sure I’ll grow into it hahahahahahha

[stupiddeadkitty]

It’s ugly. It’s terrible. I hate it I want the dark brown back

My mom has wanted to see me blonde for so long and I don’t have the heart to tell her how much I DESPISE this color

I’m really attached to my dark hair but I’m bleaching the whole thing tomorrow. The blonde era MUST come. Hopefully it doesn’t fall out, my hair is NOT healthy right now

[stupiddeadkitty]

I’m really attached to my dark hair but I’m bleaching the whole thing tomorrow. The blonde era MUST come. Hopefully it doesn’t fall out, my hair is NOT healthy right now

[stupiddeadkitty]

“If you call me a bastard, well I would fucking like it. I hate that I would like it”

Anyways, another lovejoy banger as usual!

[stupiddeadkitty]

"my daughter turned out fine" your son is tipsy in the shower scrolling through tumblr forcemasc

[stupiddeadkitty]

Ok I watched kpop demon hunters the other day and one of my brazillian friends blessed me with the Portuguese version of takedown and now I MUST share this because it’s peak

Not translating the whole thing obviously

“Theses markings on your body dictate your destiny and it’ll hurt

Starting now I’ll be lethal

In a way that makes you suffer

Each one of you

I’ll be lethal

No demon deserves to survive

Let alone you

No remorse, I’ll be lethal”

[stupiddeadkitty]

Outside a mild panic attack I feel back to normal!

[stupiddeadkitty]

Okay fine maybe I do need the meds

[stupiddeadkitty]

Oh I’m gonna be sick

[stupiddeadkitty]

For now it’s just empty threats, I don’t have the strength for it

One day though

one day ill disappear and you'll just think im offline

one day you'll be mad at me for one last time

one day ill just stop talking to you

one day ill just stop being annoying

one day ill just stop

[stupiddeadkitty]

I’m not doing this, I refuse to, it’s embarrassing and I don’t feel like it