succubitchh

[succubitchh]

WARNING: stupid feelings and suicidal ideation :(

i feel very unaccomplished and lonely. I am too broke to do fun things. I never feel like I look good. The only time I feel attractive is when horny men message me with lewd compliments. I am fat and unworthy of love.

I look at pictures from when I was drinking and on drugs and I feel like I’m in a much better place, but am I?

I’ve been feeling suicidal again recently. I haven’t felt like that for awhile now. I tried to cut myself the other night but the blade was too dull and I was afraid that if I pushed too hard I’d have to go to the emergency room. Im a fucking wuss.

I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m too dumb to pass college entrance exams. I’m too anxious to drive. I am isolated and unloved. I want to just hitchhike to a city and hang myself in an expensive hotel room, or maybe get murdered whilst hitchhiking and become a Jane Doe in West Virginia.

I don’t know if I mean any of that. It’s just how I feel like expressing myself at the moment. I don’t want to talk to anyone about my feelings because no one really ever knows how to respond. I just kind of want to shout things into a hole in the ground and hope the worms feel the vibrations.

[succubitchh]

why do I fucking bother when I know damn good and well that only a couple people will probably see these dumb fucking posts. i want to say that this is a cry for help, but i don’t know if anyonecan really help, and it’s no ones responsibility... so... thanks for reading.

[succubitchh]

I always try to type out how I’m feeling or what’s happening in my life, end up writing paragraphs, and never posting them because I feel it’s too personal.

I just don’t have anyone to tell it all to. I really don’t. I’ve got a lot of close friends, but... are they really close anymore? Do they even know who I am anymore? Do they care? They’ve all got someone who they’d probably rather talk to on a daily basis. I don’t blame them, though. I’ve become somewhat of a druggie recluse. Being lonely is ultimately a big part of why I’ve gotten so bad. I’ve been crying about it on here for years. The more I’m alone, the further I sink into my own psyche, and the less I feel like a worthwhile person.

[succubitchh]

oops I stopped eating again. But I keep losing weight so ima stay on this wave. The worst thing about it though it feeling so weak. The weakness is starting to set in and it’s making me lazy because I have no energy. The nausea and vomiting subsided after the third day. Should be good now. I wanna be a skinny legend plssss

[succubitchh]

Lololol I feel physically sick when I see any of my friends post pictures of them smiling and being affectionate with their s/o but I also feel v happy for them so I just like the pic and try not to cry 😊

[succubitchh]

if anyone reads any of that, pls just like this so I know someone heard me.

[succubitchh]

I want to talk to someone everyday. One on one conversations. I want to wake up and either text them first to greet them for the day or anticipate them texting me first and showing interest in my life. and wrap up at the end of th day and talk about the things we did that day. I don’t have that anymore. It feels like no one cares. But I don’t blame anyone. No one is that invested in my life. And there’s no reason for them to be. I’m bad at talking because I’ve deprived myself of an adequate amount of social interaction. I’m so lonely. I don’t want to die alone

[succubitchh]

for most of my life ive had at least one person who i could talk about anything to. it’s been different people. i don’t know when i lost that. it’s been a long time since I had it though. but I don’t want to burden people with my problems. that’s a lot of pressure to put on a friend. “best friend” used to be something so very important to me. it was a person to be there for you no matter what. I guess that’s what a girlfriend/boyfriend is too. definitely don’t have that. and maybe it’s better I don’t. I don’t want people to worry about me. I want someone to care. And I know a lot of people do. But I’ve isolated myself. It’s hard to care for someone you barely know.

[succubitchh]

im a horrible person.

[succubitchh]

i have no one to talk to. i have friends. i think. but some stuff is just too dark and heavy to put on someone else.

[succubitchh]

I’ve fucked myself up so bad. I just want out.

[succubitchh]

I really want someone to listen, but I don’t want to talk. Does that make sense?

[succubitchh]

This show... has honestly changed me. First season was just kinda shocking and dramatic. I thought it made suicide look appealing honestly. But then here comes this second season. It gave a real look into the repercussions of taking your own life. The world keeps spinning and sometimes it spins out of control. You can ruin people’s lives by leaving them behind to pick up the pieces of what you left. This show tackled so so many subjects that hit close to home for me. Seeing the way these people deal with their pain is like looking in a fucking mirror. Makes you feel less alone to see kids you ur age dealing with the same fucked up shit. The trial and testimonies were very very well written as well. It was 200% better than the first season.

[succubitchh]

[succubitchh]

[succubitchh]

There’s just

So much weight

On my shoulders

Its

Crushing me.

[succubitchh]

It’s 4:24 am and I can’t fucking sleep

I feel sick from not eating much of anything

I had promised myself I wouldn’t start starving myself and purging this time around

But I slipped

I feel manic

I want to straighten my hair, do my makeup and just not sleep before school tomorrow

Why did I stay up so late

It’s just so peaceful at night

I can be by myself

I usually am, but it just feels safer at night