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I wished we had times to be together

I wished we weren’t surrounded by people

Date by the park, dinner of us,

Simply as that yet the desire comes none.

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Valentines Day

I’m going to be honest, this is my first Valentines with someone. You.

However lately we have been so distant. You always go to work and do interviews and AIESEC meanwhile what i have done, was just thinking about how we’ve been through sticks and stones, to end up being more and more distant.

It’s been so hard to get a day out with you, with just us. I’ve been hating myself, about my weight and life, how lazy I’ve become just to please my ego. I stop desiring for food and drinks, and i stop caring about small things between our conversations. The moment you promised me things you would do, places we would go, then did nothing, i was taken back. Maybe my expectations were slowly built higher and higher, yet promises slipped out of your mouth as if you’d put your heart into it, yet you had never. Few months ago i asked if you were busy on wed and thu, you said you weren’t. A month later, you got a job and we slowly talked less. Our convos start when you finishes work and it ends quickly when ‘i gotta sleep, i have work tmr’ phrase was mentioned. You’re tired, exhausted from the 2 jobs meanwhile im just a jobless cunt who couldnt even organise her life together, yet it has been like this for a while. Then i realised, you planned to work on Valentines day and I didn’t know since you mentioned nothing about it, or maybe it was my fault not to update about your schedule. Whenever there is a special occasion, it was me planning out the day and places we would go, so i thought it’d be nice if you can speak up. My first thought was, ‘maybe i’ll rent somewhere and let us stay there for a day; maybe i’ll knit him a scarf; i’ll take him to The Glen’ etc. He was so caught up with work, i guess he never realises how I’m expecting some considerations from him. Then he confessed, that he freaked out bc he hadn’t thought of a plan yet and asked me to help. Well, a selfish Hana would say, i want a date, i want flowers and i expect you to stay with me. Tbh, I’ve been receiving flowers before, and today, i saw friends of mine getting gifts and flowers from their SO, as a basic bitch, who isn’t get jealous of that? Not that i hate people who get stuffs from their SO, but i wished i was that girl. I wish he become a little more mature and romantic. Students are poor that true, but i dont ask for a giant bouquet, i didnt ask for a giant teddy bear. All i wish was an occasional act from you, like how random a single flower can be given, or a kiss on the cheeks. You said a normal dinner date was boring and you wanna do something different, but since when our dates die out and simply replaced with work and busy timing? It was always filled with more people than just us, whether its my family, your family or our friends. When was the last time i have a full day with just you, my laptop and the back hug from you on my bed? How many more indecisions i must receive until i realise you’re no longer the person with integrity that i once dated? It’s been years since the last time i received flowers from someone. they die quickly, they’re not realistic and you don’t like giving flowers, or you don’t know any florist shops, but i enjoy receiving flowers, so can i be a selfish motherfucker once and get what i want without having to plan our occasion by myself?

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Christmas’ Eve

Hey, it’s me,

You probably are wondering why I am on Tumblr on one of the best holidays ever.

The fact is, i didnt celebrate Christmas with anyone.

not my family.

not my friends.

and, not with Thomas.

God knows where he is right now. And right now all i can think about, is how our relationship has developed throughout the year. It’s been overwhelming. It really has. And i blamed myself for most of the parts, even right now. For whoever is reading this, lately he confessed to me that we wouldnt last for a long run. Yes, those are his words and by far i havent gotten a day without thinking about it, additionally, terrified about what could happen. I’m terrified that my first relationship after years of being a loser would finally come to an end, whose decisions i believe will not come from me. I’m worried that my depression has let him down and restrained him from being himself, the joyful Thomas that the world needs to appreciate.

Recently, i notice that he is busy with packing up and getting ready for his holiday trip to Vietnam. However, i dont know if it was just me or i was being so dramatic, he started to text less and less, as in, not even trying to communicate much anymore... I kept thinking of what i should text him next and how i should keep the conversations going, but i’m always left on seen... it’s been a while now and i have no idea how to spice things up anymore since i’m the only one trying...

When i left for Vietnam, i was crying days and days about how everything has been drastically terrible for me...and at that ‘precious’ moment he decided not to come to the airport to say goodbye to me...the selfish Hana told me it was completely outrageous to be that ignorant. Without further explanation i bursted into tears and he felt bad for it. I made someone felt bad of himself. what a bitch i was. Eventually, he came and helped me all day and i couldn’t ask for a better partner, yet deep down i knew how toxic i was to him, a girlfriend who cannot even keep all her emotions to herself. He recognised that i guess, that this relationship had slowly drained his joy and happiness away, dragging a precious son away from his own family, a supportive friend away from his pals and an intelligent student far far away from his futuristic education. All of which, because of me. He slowly realises this is a wake-up call and i guess...this relationship will gain no benefits for himself.

On Christmas’ Eve 2017, i ended my toxic relationship

On Christmas’ Eve 2018, i realise how toxic i am and how falling apart my relationship is.

I guess Santa didn’t check my wish list.

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im tired of this so-called indecision.

i fucking hate it

you promised you would come, you planned about your day how you would buy mangoes and hung out with me. i understand that its boring atm to stay around with me and i guess im trapping you from your own privacy. yet at night you said you might not come in the morning and i understood. and when it was in the morning you called about how you might not be here, and i hung up. im so tired of these news that i dont want hear. a whole day, a fucking whole day, how long would it take to text me ‘hey, i couldnt come today so dont wait for me’. NOTHING. freaking nothing i’d say. not even an explanation. and i guess you wouldnt even recognise. im fucking mad at you and i dont wanna talk about anything anymore

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we no longer share feelings

no,

i no longer show my emotions

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sometimes im selfish

most days im careless

but it takes less than a minute to realise the things you want to share with someone is not being appreciated

simple thing comes and goes like that

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achievements

hello, its me again, how disappointing.

you may guess from the title that its gonna be one of those daily achievements posts.

unfortunately, newp, this is a hypocritical post that imma shove everything im worried about.

yes, this is daily depression achievements.

i havent been here for a while and the reason why was because, well i moved on.

i moved on and i found another one. another love story as you romantic people would say. he isnt like others. i know, you may think ‘thats because hes new and youre in love with him’ yes bish i do thank you. but like for real, he.is.not.

Thomas is like that ray of sunshine, its very bright and annoying as in he’d never leave you alone. but the point is i dont want him to leave me either. He’s kind, joyful and apparently has never been mad at me, only i do and i feel bad about it sometimes. however, recently he was at Statecon, and hes keeping up to become a LC. im glad that he stepped up and found his way. i really am. seeing him with those achievements i couldnt ask for more from a boyfriend.

yet, i secretly ask for more from him. more attentions.

it was purely coming from my own self. and for the past few days, without him, i let my depression consumed my own thoughts, from the way i talk, to the way i see people. i was scared, scared of these so-called worries. i was afraid dreams will come true. not the happy ones, the dreams that had lingered from days to days, ever since he went to STATECON. i dreamed about him leaving me, i dreamed about how far from reach he was, and i dreamed that one day, he was in another life, without my presence, with another person. i broke down ever since these thoughts couldnt go away. would my dreams become true? would i, the girl whose willingness to live is as thin as a strand of hair, ever be in the same page as him? i didnt want to talk about it because he has been under a lot of stress and well, instead of whining about it, i chose to support and be proud of Thomas

its like hes Helios, the one who drives the sun chariot across the sky each day and Hades myself alongside Cerberus are looking up to him from the Underworld, wondering if the sun will ever leave me in the morning, and how frightening it is to realise one day we would wake up not by that ray of sunshine, but from fear of darkness.

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tự nói xong tự xấu hổ rồi bảo tối rồi ngủ đi =)))))))

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i just wanna die...i have no hopes rn

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sometimes i just wish i could die

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shut the fuck up you all, im fucking tired

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i dont even kno why i cried so much sigh, its a cat scratch but i dont feel happy at all

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this video saved my life

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CAN SOMEONE STOP HIM PLEASE, OUR HEARTS ARE AT RISK!

-admin noodlecat *DECEASED*

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MY HEART WILL GO OOONNNN ~ NAMJOON IM CACKLING

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