sunflowerfields73

[sunflowerfields73]

My first journaling here.

May 18, 2025

I'm not exactly sure why I suddenly decided to start journaling online, but I really wish to connect with people, I can talk with my mind for so long but the desire to connect with others within that mind grew a lot. Perhaps this first post would be a vent, I do expect some feedback because I really wish to know if anyone feels like this too.

Moving on, it's the 18th of may, the weather is rather gloomy right now, but it has a poetic comfort to it. Lately I haven't exactly been feeling like myself, I thought it was a temporary burnout from things but it's been a while since I notice and I still haven't really progressed, quite in fact it seems like it got worse. I, in general, am a comforting, tolerant person, I hold back my negative opinions because hurting someone else when your goal isn't to make creative critisizm is just inhumane, really.

Going back to where I was, I'm not that person anymore lately, I was quite a people pleaser. I finally started, out of emotional force, drawing boundaries for other people, while it seems better, I started snapping at people, even those who mean a lot to me. I really thought it was temporary, but it just kept getting worse. Throughout my life I've been a jealous person, though I never acted on anything bad upon inpulse, but this time around I can't help but voice my frustrations to others. It's noones fault I cannot find happiness in the things I have. I have never been pleased with my skills, hobbies, personality, looks, interests, I feel like a hallow shell trying to find interesting things to say about me if I met anyone new some day.

It gets more tiring every day, I do want this to stop. Does anyone else notice how everything most say is a total lie? Like for example a lot of people say that within dating, looks don't matter, so why is it that those people themselves tend to act the opposite of what they say? Perhaps I'm speaking that out of envy or even jealousy itself. In my beliefs, skinny, pretty girls do win, they always win, I am aware of the fact that not all do and there are negatives to what they exactly "win" but I wish to talk about it from my perspective this time. I've never urgently seeked to find love, simply not prioritising it was always my plan, I always wanted to learn to love myself first, but nowadays it seems finding a proper partner is what can help the loss of having the will to get better. I started hoping that maybe I could meet someone precious some day, so what's the issue? I feel like I'm never going to win one, I get overfilled with jealousy that all of the slim pretty girls I know have the best boyfriends in the world, and no, they are good looking and NOT shallow. In a way it hurts, since I'm the only one, out of everyone I know, has yet to even be crushed on or even looked at twice.

I've never had a perfect body, or the perfect set of curves let alone a pretty face. Everyday I feel like I've been cursed to watch how all those pretty people I know get such little gifts in their life. Imperfect people can find their other halves too, but around my life, I know a person who struggles not fiting the beauty standards too, and luck is not on her side either, doesn't that make it harder to be convinced that my body is the bigger issue instead of my mind?

Perhaps I wasn't made to look for a reason to feel alive but rather I was made to be there for others, that's what I've been good at most of the time. I just wish to feel what feeling happy for more than a moment feels like.

For now I'll stick to loving flowers, they can't hurt you the way the world can. Even the thorns of a rose are not as painful as the needle of our society of withering flowers.

I'm thankful for anyone who may have read the whole thing. I'm not a big fan of writing long posts, but I do intend to let my mind roam free. Don't hesitate to leave even a small comment, I'm really looking forward to anyone who may connect.

With love, Sunflower.