sunlitmatch

[sunlitmatch]

“The life in front of you is far more important than the life behind you.”

— Joel Osteen

[sunlitmatch]

A concept: instead of focusing on removing toxic behaviors in recovery focus on taking care of yourself. Focus on what your body asks for. Focus on finding what makes u thrive in life rather than what numbs you to it

[sunlitmatch]

2023 edition:

“I’ve loved you three times now,” but is that true? I’ve loved you for as long as I have known you. But I’ve repressed it every time you’ve disappeared. Every time you’ve left me on a shelf.

Because how else could I forget how it felt to sleep with the window open in the dead of winter? To run in the middle of the night. Or eat the dinner I bought for us, alone.

How could I forget the way you couldn’t even look at me, at 17. Pulling dying grass in your hands as you talked about her. How could I forget the way I drove by you sitting roadside after I pushed you away? Or the way it felt to find your playlist, “All time Ariel.” How could I forget how I felt after that New Years Eve party when you didn’t kiss me at midnight.

All I think about now are the summer nights I desperately clung to. The mountaintop moments, the paddle boarding. And all the times you needed me physically I couldn’t bring myself to go home with you.

I would do anything now to do it again. To destroy myself again. Even now that I know how it feels—the wound reopened.

But somehow I know that things can never be different. Your silence is saying what doesn’t need to be repeated. And I’m reading back on old tumblr drafts trying to remind myself of how bad it felt.

Of all the times I needed you. And you were too busy, too preoccupied, too manic or too broken to understand. That for me, its always been you. And for you, I’ve always been an option. A familiar friend.

For you, its abundantly clear. It’ll never be me.

each time we say goodnight

And I want so badly to be right for you

But I’ve loved you three times now

And each time

I’ve been shiny and new to you

Then lost my gleam

Each time you come back into my life

each time we say goodnight,

Or goodbye

I feel my heart break 

Because deep down I know

That you never slept with the window open 

In the dead of winter

Or broke down in the middle of TD mall

Or stared into the darkness, the morning light, or the frosty air hanging in that park behind my house

Watching the playback of every memory 

Not the dying grass you pulled up in autumn

Talking about her

Or the spring jacket i wore

Red faced 

At midnight 

While you cried when i asked what we were

I don’t see the blanket you laid out for me

Adorned with your favorite flowers

As we hid from mosquitoes

I see everytime i wanted you

And you were too preoccupied

Too broken

Too busy

To understand 

How much i needed 

To be needed

By you

[sunlitmatch]

each time we say goodnight

And I want so badly to be right for you

But I’ve loved you three times now

And each time

I’ve been shiny and new to you

Then lost my gleam

Each time you come back into my life

each time we say goodnight,

Or goodbye

I feel my heart break 

Because deep down I know

That you never slept with the window open 

In the dead of winter

Or broke down in the middle of TD mall

Or stared into the darkness, the morning light, or the frosty air hanging in that park behind my house

Watching the playback of every memory 

Not the dying grass you pulled up in autumn

Talking about her

Or the spring jacket i wore

Red faced 

At midnight 

While you cried when i asked what we were

I don’t see the blanket you laid out for me

Adorned with your favorite flowers

As we hid from mosquitoes

I see everytime i wanted you

And you were too preoccupied

Too broken

Too busy

To understand 

How much i needed 

To be needed

By you

[sunlitmatch]

each time we say goodnight

And I want so badly to be right for you

But I’ve loved you three times now

And each time

I’ve been shiny and new to you

Then lost my gleam

Each time you come back into my life

each time we say goodnight,

Or goodbye

I feel my heart break 

Because deep down I know

That you never slept with the window open 

In the dead of winter

Or broke down in the middle of TD mall

Or stared into the darkness, the morning light, or the frosty air hanging in that park behind my house

Watching the playback of every memory 

Not the dying grass you pulled up in autumn

Talking about her

Or the spring jacket i wore

Red faced 

At midnight 

While you cried when i asked what we were

I don’t see the blanket you laid out for me

Adorned with your favorite flowers

As we hid from mosquitoes

I see everytime i wanted you

And you were too preoccupied

Too broken

Too busy

To understand 

How much i needed 

To be needed

By you

[sunlitmatch]

I’m just mad at myself for letting it go on for so long and being so afraid to let go. I’m just mad that I let him in my life. I’m mad that I let lonely open myself up to getting hurt again

[sunlitmatch]

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“Whatever is worrying you right now, forget about it. Take a deep breath, stay positive and know that things will get better.”

— Unknown

[sunlitmatch]

[sunlitmatch]

I wanted to talk to you last night

But you didn’t answer your phone

I wanted to tell you what I needed

I was ready

But you wanted to be alone

I wanted to fall in love with you

That last night we spoke

Before things got messy

But you pulled away

I wanted you

I’ll always want you

But wanting isn’t enough

When you leave me with this feeling

It isn’t love

It isn’t love

I wanted to believe it could be love

[sunlitmatch]

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”

— Juliette Lewis

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“Many of life’s failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

— Thomas Edison

[sunlitmatch]

“Love isn’t only love, sweetheart. It’s hard work, and trust, and tears, with even a few glimpses of devastation. But at the end of each day, if you can still look at the person at your side and can’t imagine anyone else you’d rather have there, the pain, the heartache and the ups and downs of love are worth it.”

— Nicole Williams