svartish

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[CN Server Spoilers]

4TH ANNIVERSARY SSR CARDS

[svartish]

lovelies

happy 4 years to vynrosa nation.....

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goldfish study but vynrosa sneak👆

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something i think about rather often is the call from vyn on the players first in-game birthday. his hands clasped and lips parted to whisper a reverent prayer, a desperate beg only for you. he has never made any mention of being religious before but has, instead, shared the personal harm that it has done to him, to his family, and to his country. he cannot see without his glasses, unable to view who he's speaking to and stumbling over furniture, yet he still strips himself of them to be in his most pure, bare state to pray for you. he, who prefers to settle his matters himself, with his own two hands, bowing his head to something he cannot see nor confirm if only to bless, protect and provide for you. it feels, for a moment, odd, like a disservice to and departure from the careful character with which he has been built... until one realizes that it is not a god from which his devotion springs

[svartish]

baby deer

one of the two fics i planned on doing for vyn's birthday this year. may you enjoy the torment of his younger years, contrasted beautifully by the hope prevailing within his future. September 27th -- A most dreadful day, surely, housing the meeting of two different creatures most alike in fate. Young and weak, little Vilhlem is left with no option but to obey, no matter how it pains him so, a display most wretched.

in case you missed it in the tags, this fic contains hunting and animal death, including that of a young animal. the violence is only worded minimally, but please exercise discretion if needed. 1.4k words

“It’s been long enough; I think we should head home now.”

“Not yet. Not after last year’s fiasco.”

Footsteps quiet atop twigs and leaves, the small party presses forward, bows in hand. Near the middle of the group trudges a young boy, silver head bowed toward the ground numbly. His feet step over each other, taking no care to avoid the multitude of twigs snapping beneath his heel. He stumbles slightly, a hand from somewhere behind him unsympathetically grabs his shoulder, keeping him from hitting the ground before roughly shoving him back onto his feet properly. 

He continues walking, eyes down toward his feet yet not truly looking, stare somehow lost in the distance from head to toe. 

“He needs the experience.”

Helpless cries, a whimper, die out in the young boy’s throat, the reality of his fate pressing down against him. There would be no point in crying, begging, or whimpering – not when there is no one to hear, to care. 

He hears it suddenly, they all do: a branch, then another, both snapping quickly, clumsily, a short distance away. His head whips up, golden eyes blown wide, fearfully gazing and desperately scanning, searching for the source with trepidation corded tight around his throat. The instinct to see, to know, betrays him, bearing him witness when he knows it will only hurt him more. 

Their eyes meet. Beyond branches upon branches, trees upon trees, they lock eyes; young boy and mother deer. 

His breath hitches in his throat, his body tensing immediately. His arms dig into his sides, petrified in place. He doesn’t move, but it doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t matter.

The men around him move, quickly and quietly. He feels them rush past, the wind lifting the silver hair from his cheek, though his eyes remain frozen in place. They move with a grace he could only pray they lose, a practiced hunter’s skill evident in each man’s unique movements. 

Run, hide, please!  

Desperate pleas bang about ceaselessly within his mind, clawing about for purchase, for a chance, as his vision nearly wavers. His breath comes quicker and quicker, the lump in his throat swelling more and more, choking his dying hope mercilessly. His fingers quiver, twitch, curl, yet he cannot find it within himself to move, to scare the majestic creature, to give it life. His ears, traitors, pick up the sound of heavy footsteps trampling over leaves and twigs, deafening yet not enough to shake the determined creature, her wide eyes fixated solely on the little boy, before he hears it. Amidst the footsteps, the voices of the men only quietly piercing the air, the tell-tale snap of fibers cuts through the atmosphere as easily as it cuts through life.

Devastation rips through him first as nausea settles in, golden eyes blown wide. Numbness circles around him, nearly deaf to the sounds of the adults speaking, celebrating. Deaf only until they return, something heavy slung above his uncle’s shoulder, when it’s dropped carelessly amongst the dead leaves. Dead husk resting atop dead leaves. He averts his eyes once more. 

“I think that’s good enough for toda-"

A snap and all their heads whip around, conclusion hanging in the air. Between the trees, further off from where the mother once stood, now stands a baby. Its legs thin and its eyes curious, it can’t be more than a few months old, likely born only months before this wretched, wretched fall began. 

Once again, that raw, visceral feeling, that undying scream, wells up in the boy’s throat, begging the animal to turn tail and run; to save itself like it could. To run like he’d like to himself. Yet still, the animal only lowers its head slightly, sniffing at the ground, large eyes transfixed on the pathetic heap that once served as its mother. 

Something is huffed behind him, a silent agreement he didn’t hear, before a rough hand shoves him forward, shuffling over his own heavy feet. He turns back, aghast, mouth dangling open and ready to protest, only to be met with stern faces in turn. 

“Go on. You handle this one. Then we can head home.” A cold chill shivers the trees as silence settles for a moment, shattered only once more. “And not a moment before.” 

Mouth still slightly parted, horror and trepidation filling him, the young boy turns slowly to look again toward where the stupid, stupid deer still stands. It, too, has become rooted to its spot, perhaps too afraid, or too daft, to know it should run. He steps, feet unsure, once, twice, moving closer as one of the adults in the group begins a low argument with the one who forced him forwards.

Numbly, he finds himself having moved ever so slightly closer, his hands barely registering the bow loosely hanging off his fingertips. He gulps, adjusting his grasp to hold the cool metal properly, a tremor shaking up the expanse of his arms. He holds it up before him, arm straight, as he reaches to nock the arrow. He pauses, breath caught.

Foolishly, the young boy makes a critical error; he locks eyes with the creature he is made to kill. 

Large black circles, bearing nothing but youthful innocence and the beauty of nature, stare back into his own haunted golden eyes. Pure, they reflect only him back. At that moment, the boy realizes they two are the same. Scared. Alone. Motherless.

With a rush of emotion crashing over him, guilt and venom rise up in his throat. A heat pools behind his eyes as his fingers tremble and quake. The press of the bow against his fingertips feels raw, bleeding, the ache overwhelming and biting deeply into his senses. The air is cold, chillingly so, ripping at the exposed skin of his hands and cheeks, freezing the unshed tears and burning the roof of his mouth. When the wind whips, again and again, tearing and seeking and painful, lifting his hair from his face and beating against his young cheeks. A hiccup, weak and pitiful, wells inside the hollow-feeling crevice settled snug behind his ribs. 

He squeezes his eyes shut, the tears forced out to trail down the chilled expanse of his skin. He breathes in, his breath staggering and chest heaving ever so slightly. His emotions run high, higher and higher, tearing and tripping over each other as they bubble to the surface, to the threshold, a choked sob the only sound slipping from him. 

“It’s alright, Albert. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” 

The voice he wants to hear least out of anything. It tears against his ears and beats against his worn heart. The wind isn’t biting or chilling or tearing away at his skin. The air isn’t brutal, punishing his lungs and stabbing his mouth. There is only boy and deer, mirrors of each other within this undying forest. Mirrors of the boy’s own fate.

Motherless.

His eyes shut tight the moment it happens, the arrow whistling from his straightened arm and ending the brutal moment with the most sickening thwack he’s ever heard. His heart beats quickly inside his chest, banging against his ribs as if seeking to escape the guilt lodged tight within him. He cries openly, a weak sound pouring from his mouth in equal measure to the increased tears flowing from his eyes. His feet weakly lead him one step before another, until he finds himself before the once vulnerable, beautiful creature.

His knees find the dirt and his head finds his hands as he weeps. Its eyes are still open and he can still see himself, his weak, helpless self, reflected for the whole world to see. Vulnerable. 

The first man to him is his father, strong hand cupping his shoulder for a moment in comfort before gingerly guiding him back to his feet. The touch is kinder, more gentle than those from his uncles before, and he allows himself to take his father’s hand, snot streaming down his face, to be led away from the scene. He doesn’t hear the conversations from his uncles, their satisfaction or delight, curling in upon himself and tuning out the evils around him. His arms hug each other, hunching over slightly, his father’s hand still on his shoulder, as he seeks true comfort only amongst himself.

For who is he to seek forgiveness, warmth? Who is he to beg for love he knows not how to give? He is nothing more than a sacrifice; a struggling, straggling baby deer, prey upon shaky legs, alone in this vast world – motherless.

[svartish]

A part of the Tears of Themis anniversary ficathon 2023

To think one could succeed in getting all five members of the NXX team into a sleepover willingly would be nothing more than a foolish pipe dream. Luke, however, choses to deny this idea, and create the situation with his own two hands.

i can finally share with tumblr the fic i wrote to celebrate tot’s second anniversary in the wonderful event hosted by @themisficathon2023​

this event was so much fun to take part in, and everything ive read has been so good. submissions will be coming in until august 3rd, meaning everyday has a chance to see yet another jaw-dropping fic get released, and i urge everyone to check them out here if you havent already!

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the authors have been revealed!!

[svartish]

sweet afternoon tea

surely i can beat writing block by just writing more. this one is directly inspired by the sweet afternoon tea and garden home day events combined into one fic. i know there was a lounge event before the garden one, but i decided to not address that project here. the dialogue from the very end is directly from the sweet afternoon tea event!

vyn centric. vyn grappling with the impending nxx found family. long; 3.2k words.

The NXX Headquarters garden has been, to put it simply, forgotten about. Vyn, at least, never cared much for it, never sparing it even a half of the consideration and devotion he put into his own garden back home. This indifference of sorts was how he always regarded the lackluster manor, and it had never been shaken until a more recent incident involving the pesky and infuriating yet reluctantly endearing team members he shared the building with. 

The headache began about a week ago with the arrival of young Marius von Hagen barreling into the meeting room, papers nearly spilling out from his arms and a ferocious twinkle in his violet eyes. His palms made an obnoxious smack noise as he slapped everything down against the table, grinning widely from ear to ear. Vyn could feel a headache blooming already, and he hadn’t even begun talking yet. Rosa came trailing in behind the purple menace, an eager smile on her face as she joined Marius where he stood. 

“Guys, listen up,” he began, waiting for the other three members to give him their attention. “I just had the best idea. The garden out back has a lot of free space, and we could turn it into a lounge or something. I’ve got some ideas here already.” 

He slid the papers to spread out around the table enough where each member could peer down at one of them and see what he was planning. Vyn would never admit it, but even his curiosity was piqued, and he looked over the rims of his glasses and the mug in his hand at the sketch covered paper. 

Most of the drawings were simple, though not lacking in artistic flair. The main inspiration was obviously creating enough space for each of them to have room to unwind alongside something enjoyable without forsaking the beauty a plant-filled garden can offer. Most of the differences between each design consisted of the layout of where objects like a table with five little seats or a small pond with fish would go. 

“Well…” Luke started.

“It’s not a bad idea,” Artem interjected quietly, holding one of the designs while comparing it to the others.

“Marius and I thought of it the other day,” Rosa piped up with a room-warming beam on her face. “We thought it would be a good team bonding activity, and could make this place feel a little more like home.”

“Does it need to feel like home?” Vyn and Artem asked together before glancing at the other.

Rosa seemed to falter for a second, but it didn’t last long as her shoulders straightened and her conviction grew. “It doesn’t need to feel like home, but it doesn’t need to feel like just another office either! It’s not good for you to spend your time in places like that! You of all people should know that, Dr. Richter!” She wagged her finger at him admonishingly, and he felt himself wither ever so slightly under her gaze. 

“You’re… right. My apologies,” he acquiesced, backing down from his stance ever so sheepishly. She was right, technically speaking, though he was still a bit wary of creating a more personal communal space with others to begin with. 

Marius grinned proudly as he reached out to tap the paper in the middle of the table. “This one’s my most recent design. It’s got enough space for everybody while still leaving plenty of room for all kinds of plants. It even makes use of that big tree already out there too.”

“It’s certainly doable…” Artem mumbled, his finger rubbing absentmindedly along his bottom lip as he thought. The slight twitch in his brow was enough to alert the others that he was already attempting to envision the most productive way to capitalize on what Marius created. 

Luke looked over the more recent design again before looking back toward Rosa, a soft smile lighting up his cheeks. “Yeah, I’ve really got no objections either. It actually kinda sounds like a good idea to me.”

Rosa clapped her hands in glee as she surveyed over the room again and shared an excited look with Marius. Her eyes only stopped when they landed on Vyn, who was still thinking quietly to himself where he sat. 

“What about you, Dr. Richter? What do you think about the idea?”

Vyn was silent for a moment, golden eyes glancing one last time at each of the sketches critically. He paused before sighing slightly, silver lashes fluttering over his eyes for a moment. 

“I have no objections either.” 

He felt a slight joyful lurch in his heart at the way Rosa’s grin got somehow even wider as she and Marius rejoiced, turning to give the other a double high-five. Even the other members who had no real stake in the matter seemed to smile a bit, looking relieved as if they had been holding their breath while awaiting his answer.

“Great! Okay, okay,” Marius spoke, turning back to look around at each of the members. “Miss and I will finalize the layout plans. Artem can start picking out furniture. We could even try to put something up on that upper deck above the garden if you find something good. Luke, you look for the tools we need to plant things or build the furniture. And Vyn can shop for the plants. Sound like a good idea?”

Everyone seemingly content in their roles, the team burst into enthusiastic chatter, attempting to flesh out some of the design ideas they’d need. Vyn alone stayed out of this discussion, merely observing from his seat and sipping quietly on his tea. The most notable thing was the excitement each and every member seemed to have, obviously entranced by the idea of working together to create something for them all to enjoy. The notion was a little foreign to him, as he hadn’t felt the desire to build something with another for a long, long time. He closed his eyes ever so softly with the most imperceptible shake of his head, a defeated action contradicting the unfamiliar warmth pooling behind his ribs. Only the mug of tea rising toward his lips was able to hear the affectionate scoff he let out.

A part of him he didn’t care to examine found himself more eager than he ever would have expected. While he left that previous meeting unenthusiastic about the idea (or at least, as he described it to himself), barely two days had passed before he found himself standing idly in one of the many rows of his usual gardening goods store. In one hand he carefully balanced a petunia starter while the other lifted to examine the tag on an impressive bonsai. He flipped the tag around a few times between his slender fingers as if considering buying it, but the decision was already made up in his mind. He sighed in resignation as he carefully let go of the little tag and turned to eye some of the spades and watering cans on a little shelf nearby. He knew Luke was in charge of the tools… but he couldn’t help the innocently eager feeling creeping up inside him to do more to help out.

He shook his head at himself as he took note of each of the plants he wanted to purchase. All of them together would never fit in his car, so he decided instead to have them delivered to the NXX manor on the day they agreed to begin working. He checked out only armed with small bags containing transferable starters he’d take home with him now and tend to until it was time to move them to proper soil. He resisted the urge to purchase new tools to dedicate solely to the NXX manor garden, but made up for this by buying more flowers than he had initially meant to get. 

Vyn, still trying to forcibly reenter the headspace in which he totally didn’t care about the project, had exited the store and started to slowly make his way toward his car, bags in hand, when he lifted his head and fatefully came eye to eye with the store across the street. The store, charmingly quaint compared to the urban scape Stellis boasted, caught his attention with the sight of high-quality looking appliances visible through the large glass window. He looked down at the bags in his arms and looked back across the street before slumping his shoulders in defeat and turning trail to peruse what this new store had to offer as well. 

Getting lost in a moment of shockingly, uncharacteristically lacking willpower, he wandered around the store aimlessly, merely taking in everything around him. Nothing was in poor quality, though the high prices were an obvious drawback. Not like that was an issue for him anyway. Before Vyn knew what he was thinking, he found himself picturing how each appliance would look lined up in the manor’s kitchen. His traitorous thoughts delved even deeper to resurface the memory of them all crowded around the kitchen attempting to form rice balls together. 

That silly endeavor had to be about, what, two months ago now? For whatever reason, Vyn found himself struggling to recall the more minute details he would have usually been able to picture in perfect crystal quality. He couldn’t remember who formed the best rice ball or the idiosyncratic manner of each member’s hands as they lovingly shaped each ball like he normally would have. Instead, the memories he was able to brush off instead were wracked with a scarily unfamiliar sense of… warmth. He could remember the way they had all smiled and laughed together. The way Luke’s lopsided smile bore only one dimple or how Artem’s cheeks bunched up joyfully like an old grandma’s when he laughed, truly laughed, for what felt like the first time around them. He could remember how Marius loudly boasted about his being the best but suddenly grew almost endearingly sheepish when everyone agreed and complimented his work. He could remember Rosa’s cheerful laugh filling the room, not left out in the slightest despite having to stand at a different table from the rest of them. And most of all, he could remember the sinking feeling in his chest when it finally grew time for everyone to leave that night. 

Silver eyebrows rested in a deep slant as he thought. His vision slowly grew unclouded from the memory as it faded back into his mind, his eyes slowly focusing on the stand mixer resting on the shelf in front of him. His lips were pinched unreadably into something more complex than a frown. The store was filled with loud chatter, yet he never felt so alone. Was this store always so cold?

A soft click of the tongue, unheard by another, marked the making up of his mind. Vyn turned away from the shelf, a new shopping list in mind, marked by oddly domestic tools like ovens and mixing bowls. He merely needed to stop by a qualified attendant to order the items for delivery. Pale fist clenched around the handles of his bags, he grew determined to chase that warmth he felt for even a moment more. 

Even if he had been ever so slightly eager in ordering new appliances last week, there was no going back now. All of the NXX investigation team had arrived, each clad in clothes suited to set up a cozy garden furnished to their desires. In a strange way he wasn’t at all used to, he felt something he unfortunately had to describe as embarrassment when he thought of sharing the news of the now more optimized kitchen, and bit back the confession like it was bile. He couldn’t understand why he would possibly feel embarrassed, as he thought he had nothing much to lose if the project failed anyway. 

To the young doctor’s chagrin, it wasn’t like he had much time to ponder anyway. He was quickly grabbed away by the others, Luke piling tools into his arm and asking for help holding the legs of the new table steady while he screwed them together. If he lifted his head a little, he could see Artem already clearing space on the upstairs patio, and Marius could be seen moving boxes (and something Vyn suspected was an easel) onto the wooden deck. He could hear Rosa humming behind him as she arranged the plants, all still comfortably in their starters, into whatever order she found most aesthetically pleasing. The courtyard was, for the first time, rife with the energy and camaraderie of others.

Whether or not he was a fan of manual labor didn’t seem to matter today. Vyn didn’t find himself dredging through the project, nor did he find himself feeling embarrassed at any apparent lack of skill. He moved about helping arrange the garden table for a while before practically instructing all the others on the safest way to transfer plants into the soil. The garden was growing into something beautiful and personal all at once, something Vyn had to admit he never pictured happening. The worst part, which he would never speak aloud, was that he seemed to actually enjoy every minute of it. If he even noticed the dirt smeared on his khakis, he didn’t care. 

Before he knew it, he was sitting on the stone steps, chin in hand, as his eyes absentmindedly followed Rosa around. His thoughts were consumed by grappling with his devotion to never grow close to others and the enjoyment he reaped from partnering up on such a sweet passion project. Perhaps the change in this garden reflected a more personal change in him. 

“What’s got you so lost in thought?” Luke asked, peering down at him, squinting from the sunlight in his eyes.

“I did not realize that the manor's garden could be so well decorated,” he simplified. 

“Huh?” Marius half yelled from across the courtyard, marching forward with his hands extended in mock annoyance. “Did you forget who designed the layout?”

Vyn didn’t respond, merely looking over his glasses at the younger man. He didn’t feel the need to extrapolate on his deeper thoughts and personal revelations, and his silence was filled instead by the approaching Rosa’s exasperation.

“Not this again…”

“I think everyone played a part,” Artem soothed as he approached, his hair surprisingly messy for once but his expression light. His blue eyes darted over to Rosa as if expecting her to build upon what he stated.

“Right, right! We finally finished decorating the garden, so let's celebrate!”

Luke grinned widely, an eagerness radiating off of him in waves brighter than the sun that afternoon. “Awesome! We’ve been at it for a long time, so we should take a break.” 

“Miss,” Marius tilted his head toward Rosa, a hand shielding his eyes from the sun, “got any good ideas?”

“Hmm… it’s still pretty early in the day. Let’s prep afternoon tea together!”

Artem nodded, also shading his eyes. “That’s a good idea.”

Sucking an unnoticeable puff of air in between his teeth, Vyn lightly pushed up the corner of his glasses. He supposed it was now or never.

“It just so happens that after our previous rice ball experience...I ordered a set of kitchen equipment that may be of use. Everything is already in the lounge.”

“Like?” Marius drew out his vowels obnoxiously.

“Such as an oven, a mixer, a digital scale, and a blender, among others…” Vyn could feel that creeping feeling of embarrassment beginning to prickle the back of his neck, though he was determined to play it off cool. The childish grin spreading across Marius’ face was making that task no easier.

“Since when were you such a housewife?” Marius teased, lips curled up in something not made entirely of childish malice, but something deeper Vyn couldn’t decipher. Surprisingly, Vyn didn’t feel the regret and humiliation he expected to, though he wasn’t sure what he was feeling instead.

Rosa’s hands clapping together cut through the air sharply to draw their attention back to her. “Well then, let’s split up the tasks!” Luke smiled and crossed his arms, nodding his head in a confident manner.

“Since the appliances are all ready to go, I’ll blend all our cold and frozen drinks. I've worked as a bartender while doing detective work, so I'm good at that stuff.” 

“I’ll make coffee and hot drinks. I learned how to make latte art during my spare time on the weekends.” For some reason, the entire group found themselves picturing Artem working dutifully over his kitchen counter as he practiced his secret latte art. 

“I will bake the cakes,” Vyn offered kindly, his eyes filled with warmth mirrored in his smile. “Their flavor will not disappoint.” 

“Then I’ll get someone to send over the ingredients we need, and I’ll take care of plating and decorating. Let me know which fruits you like,” Marius punctuated his sentence with a little wink aimed toward Rosa. “I guarantee you a happy tea time, Miss.”

Smiling from cheek to cheek, Rosa nearly pumped her fist in the air. “Looking forward to it! I’ll bake some cookies and help you all out. There’s no time to lose. We better get started!”

If Vyn had been told about two weeks ago that he would enjoy working side by side with his work partners on something personal, he would have scoffed. He wouldn’t have believed it for a moment. Yet, he now found himself standing in the kitchen he chose to properly furnish, working hard on a cake he actually planned to share with others. The kitchen was again alight with a familial enthusiasm, conversations and laughter overlapping from all over. Even when he wasn’t the one speaking or prodding at another, he could feel a light smile dance upon his lips like a whisper. 

Tea time was something generally sacred and private for Vyn, the time where he could unwind while enjoying his dearest sweets. There are very few people in the world he would ever conceive sharing that time with, but he still found himself setting the cake he labored over onto the center of the table to share. He found himself cutting the slices carefully, evenly, and oddly holding his breath as he waited for the others to take their first bites. He knew he was a skilled baker, yet he felt the remote pang of fear that somehow, for whatever reason, they wouldn’t like it.

All he was greeted with were smiles and praise from the others, soothing his untoward anxieties in a single fell swoop. While he responded with a simple “As I expected. I am pleased that it suits your liking,” there was a giddiness bursting inside of him. He felt strangely excited to be sitting with these people, people he wouldn’t consider his friends at all, sharing something so uniquely important to him. 

He breathed in the clear afternoon air, the sunlight warming his face as he tilted his head back ever so slightly. He could hear the chirping of the birds in the trees nearby and hear the water stirring in the pond across the courtyard. He could hear his coworkers chattering, just as they had in the kitchen, mouths filled with food this time.

He took a sip of the sweetest tea he’d had in a while. 

[svartish]

to tear down walls

once again, its been a while since ive written anything. writers block hitting pretty hard. might delete this one later as well

primarily implied vynrosa. i want nxx found family and good relationship and team building :(( mostly an examination of vyn and his hangups on getting along with others. not proofread

Vyn is, was, and always will be closed off. At first it formed as a defense mechanism years ago, a protective shell for a vulnerable child, yet he strove to never take down his walls and open himself again. Not only is he accustomed to this nature by now, but he has found it so much easier to be viewed as a “mystery” and left to his own devices by others. 

Unfortunately (as he would scathingly put it), that was growing less and less of an option for him in his every day. Regardless of how firmly he attempted to remove himself from plans to “socialize” and “team build”, he could feel the foundation of his attitudes crumbling under his feet with each passing day. It was growing ever harder to conjure up excuses for why he couldn’t join in on the latest proposition. 

He regretfully admitted to himself that some of the ideas for “team bonding” were somewhat interesting, whether they be for a team sleepover, dinner, or day-long outing. A vindictive side of him was rather intrigued by Luke’s suggestion for paintball once, yet he still choked back his interest and declined the invitation as politely as possible. 

He sighed quietly to himself, the sound still loud in his comparatively quiet study, as he allowed the dictaphone to slip between his slender fingers and thump carefully onto his desk. A pale cheek came to rest delicately against the curled fist of his other hand, allowing himself a pause from his nightly ritual to attempt to sort out his thoughts. 

This dead-end thwarted him more than his pride would allow him to accept. He’d found himself growing stumped more and more often when pondering how to approach the odd propositions of building relationships with his team. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, a part of him buried deep inside understood this conflict stemmed from years of being closed off colliding with the human interest of getting to know those around him. 

The most insufferable roadblock, trumping even his slight interests in some of the activities offered, took the form of their dearest new lawyer recruit. Infuriatingly, he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was about her that confounded him so. At least, not yet. Perhaps it was the almost naïve optimism she carried, contrasting so with his own outlook just enough to grant him the chance to view the world as she did. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t felt his worldviews waiver and even change for the better after his meetings with her. 

The meetings, however, were acting as the source of an oncoming headache for him. Rosa, dear sweet Rosa, had asked him today why he always seemed to have time to meet up with her but always had to deny any group outing the others tried to set up. In a sense of panic unfamiliar to him, he floundered and flustered internally. While he was able to balm the situation adequately and without suspicion, that little seed of doubt wedged its way deep between the spaces of his ribcage, weighing on him only as he tried to wind down for the night.

Why was he so willing to meet up with her and no one else?

A sigh caressed the surface of his lips like a kiss as he gazed leisurely across his study, mind wracked trying to come up with an excuse instead of an answer. The more he searched, the more desperately he tried to come up with anything, the more he came to realize there was only one reason at all. 

He was scared.

Vyn hadn’t been close to anyone willingly in years. He chose to close himself off, chose a life in which he couldn’t be hurt any longer, but he was being forced to reevaluate this decision. Rosa was the first of these earth-shattering reevaluations. He was already suffering in trying to determine how to allow his walls down enough to fall in love with her in the first place, but now he was being confronted with the option to tear down these walls further and accept the offered companionship of others. 

He sat in silence as his mind replayed the events of the past few weeks, a small furrow creasing the skin between his brows. He could remember finding a small pack of tea he had offhandedly mentioned enjoying during a meeting finding its way into the NXX building kitchen when Artem restocked some of it recently. He remembered the small sticky notes filled with doodles of his garden in the spots Marius sat in after their meetings. Even Luke occasionally offered to up the building’s security or fix up any of his broken antiques. The more he thought, the more he began to realize the subtle kindness the group offered him that he refused to notice. In fact… even their first proposed outing together was the idea for a trip to an orchestra. 

The revelations this provided Vyn were unfamiliar to him, and he shifted in his seat a little uncomfortably at the thought. Were they being kind to him this whole time? Did they desire a bond with him that he had so cruelly shut down? Perhaps he had been… a little crass, but that was never much of a concern to him. As he saw it, being a little rude was warranted at times to shut down the people who desired a fake relationship to take advantage of him. This was how he had always been and how he learned to be, but it wouldn’t be the first time he was proven wrong by people with other viewpoints.

Rosa was the first to shatter expectations he’d held for his entire life, convictions about love he’d been certain of since childhood. Still reeling from that blow, he now had to face the possibility that he might have been wrong again. 

A message from someone on the team had come in while he was ruminating. It seems the team was trying once again to set up something for them all to do together. He wasn’t surprised to see the group message coming from Rosa; she was always the one leading the forefront of trying to get them all closer. What did surprise him instead was the fact that he didn’t feel the need to immediately turn down the offer. In fact, a small part of him already felt a tiny desire to agree for the first time. 

He shook his head and straightened his clothes as he prepared to exit the study for the night. He felt worn from his internal debate and was ready to retire to a pleasant sleep. Despite this exhaustion, a smile played lightly across his lips. The feeling was slightly foreign, though he couldn’t categorize it as unpleasant. He was even slightly giddy, actually. 

The message still glowing on his screen showed nothing but genuine interest from him as he asked for more details on the invitation they gave him for the first time.  

[svartish]

impartiality;

been a while since i've written anything, so please bear with it. warm up for other things i wanted to write. might delete later

warnings: angst? not proofread. not intended to be ship but you can take it that way if you want. pre-canon

Impartiality.

A word of privilege for those blessed with a lack of care and closeness, an existence defined without the balming bonds of friendship. Vyn once thought himself capable of living in such a way, careful practice built up with the intent to craft the highest walls around his heart, yet he found himself struggling and stranded for the first time. The ruthless judgment he cloaked himself with faltered in his bandaged heart, unable to extend unfeeling fingers toward grasping this unexpected situation with the same apathy and grace developed to guard him from pain. After experiencing a taste of one of his first real friendships, how could Vyn ever be expected to return to a harsh neutrality?

PAX CIVIL WAR gleamed mercilessly from a screen carelessly thrown aside amongst the paperwork littered about on his desk, though he hadn’t been bothered to spare the article a second glance for a while now. He knew it wasn’t true, and he knew he wanted to believe it, an easier out than the likely ugly reality at hand, but he couldn’t force himself to stomach another load of worthless drivel from news reporting fools who hadn’t even the slightest insight into anything important at all. 

It hurt. He hurt, Vyn realized. He didn’t want it to, and never expected it would, but with a twang of long-forgone emotion, his heart hurt. 

There were no photos of the NXX group together. It would be silly to take any, and dangerous to keep them. Even still, there was a photograph from the day Giannovyn first opened, the two owners proudly celebrating their latest accomplishment. It clouded his mind when he thought for too long about the open seats in the headquarters. Giann smiled wider than Vyn, his childish grin spreading from ear to ear, crowned with the most innocent looking dimples, but both men were equally overjoyed. Not only was it an advancement for science and mental health, but it marked a milestone in a friendship Vyn never expected himself to have in the first place. 

If he looked hard enough, perhaps he could find a photo of Neil as well stored somewhere carelessly in his belongings, though he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to think about him to begin with. The idea of a betrayal burned too brazenly in his chest for him to stomach the idea, as much as it bereaved him to suffer from such a human feeling. 

Now, it was just the two of them left in NXX. “Let’s bring in someone else, someone who can be impartial”, the other had said, aggravated by their disagreement. How could the two of them ever agree when they held such opposite experiences with their dearest missing members? Both, saddled so with emotion, grief, and conviction, refused to believe even for a moment that the other’s theories were anywhere near the truth. 

He went alone, without contacting anyone, to meet someone he trusted.

We don’t know that! We can’t decipher the entire email yet. We don’t know what actually happened!

A new member was seeking to join the team, none other than Giann’s younger brother. Vyn didn’t have to wrack his brain to figure what side of the argument the young man would take, perhaps with even more passion than he had. For now, he considered it more prudent to withhold these thoughts, the heartbreak he felt, and present himself as unbothered and unfeeling as usual. 

“Yes, let’s,” Vyn agreed, knowing he was no longer the impartial adjudicator he once believed himself to be.

[svartish]

masterlist

-: ✧ :- [ impartiality; ] -: ✧ :- [ to tear down walls ] -: ✧ :- [ sweet afternoon tea ] -: ✧ :- [ baby deer ]

[svartish]

you are perfect the way you are. i have never felt that you needed to change.

-: ✧ :- writing things i like -- mostly vyn-centric -: ✧ :- [masterlist] -: ✧ :- [ao3] -: ✧ :- sideblog

i like you just the way you are