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Just found out where we’re travelling with school this year. It is Berlin. BERLIN. I’m currently in a bit of a Germany phase so this is big big big

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Two weeks left until I leave for art school year 2. Will I host goth nights and get a girlboyfriend this time? Who knows? Probably not because I will actively avoid both responsibilities

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mask by sergio bustamante

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Some good lichen

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Flora (1987)

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do you like my repetitive and outdated music taste

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Thinking about that one post that was like “what is the evolutionary reason I have to shit when I’m nervous” because yeah. Why do I need to act as a IBS victim when I have something scary planned? Sorry I was late, I had to shit 4 times in the last hour

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I am going to the barbecue night and I’m gonna pretend that I don’t have debilitating social anxiety and I am gonna have to chug some vodka beforehand and that is quite depressing but things won’t always be this way

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Dear diary, the other day I was invited by a nice girl and her nice boyfriend that I barely know to tag along to their friends house on Saturday for a barbecue night with all their friends. This shit is so new to me because until last year I did not talk to people because of the mental illness. But now I do and turns out people will approach you if you are more approachable but I am in that weird in between space where you’ve changed but you’re not experienced in how those changes will affect your life yet. I have never been invited to something like this and I don’t know if I can do it. It’s also out in the country so I don’t have a way to get home unless I arrange for someone to drive me which makes me so fucking anxious. I want to be able to leave immediately if I want or need to. I’m just so afraid I’ll break down from anxiety and have to hide in the bathroom while everyone’s uncomfortable or something. I don’t know if I’m gonna go

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Not touching your hair at 24 because you’re afraid what your father might think is truly pathetic. Getting tired of being pathetic. I remember once I let it grow out a bit and he called me brave for doing it.

Having a very transgender night. I thought these feelings would disappear if I ignored them but here I am 8 years later feeling just as strongly but a bit more weird.

I am once again moving away for a year to an art school, not a fancy one but a folkhögskola which I guess translates to folk university/college or people’s university/collage. Last year I found out pretty quickly that seemingly 70% or so of the school population were queer. It would be a horrible shame if I didn’t try being a bit open about myself in the only environment I’ll ever be a majority.

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Einstürzende Neubauten. Photo by David Arnoff

"The sparks that seem to be shooting right through Blixa Bargeld were generated by someone in the “band” attacking a large metal pipe with a circular saw down in the pit. It was a great effect but it only took a moment for the stage curtains to catch light. I did get a shot of the fire, but as I was busy fleeing at the time it’s a bit out of focus." David Arnoff

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Living at an art school was exhausting but being busy 24/7 and having loads of people around doing things all the time was so good I forgot how boring life is. Been home sick for like 2 weeks and I haven’t been going outside almost at all and I’m so fucking bored but I don’t think going for walks will help because I don’t know people here. I don’t think I will be able to stay on this island after year 2 at school, I get too depressed

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The bog garden of Great Saling Hall in Essex.

Creative Gardens, 1986

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Near Greenwater, WA.

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Was at our final party last night. I didn’t have a very good time, I was too tired and I had a hard time getting drunk. I basically chased after this guy who’s way too old for me all night because I’m gonna miss him so much and when I wasn’t doing that I tried being with my classmates but I had a hard time connecting with them. One of them kept moving in front of me with her back to me, blocking me from the conversation so I had to keep moving to try and stay in the circle. I know it’s not intentional but that almost hurts more that they just don’t notice I’m there. Still when I went home she ran up to me and wanted to hug me goodbye. I don’t get this sort of behaviour it makes me so upset and confused. I’m so disappointed that I can’t stop focusing on the negatives, my classmates wanted to hug me goodbye, I ran after another classmate when she was leaving because I wanted to say goodbye and she ended up telling me about how horrible the year had been for her and she asked if I was going to be as kind next year and she just kept wanting to hug me. Another girl from stage art class said she wished I went in the same class as her so we could have spent more time together. And another super nice girl which I want to be friends with a lot came up to me and wanted to hug me and stuff. But the way people act towards me when I try to socialise just makes me feel so bad that this stuff don’t even matter to me. Or it does but I’m still left with a very sad feeling and I feel disliked and inferior. I know the big issue is I put so much weight on single moments instead of looking at the bigger picture and that my horrific self esteem makes me value myself based on how others feel about me in the moment. At the same time I can’t blame myself for wanting to be liked

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Old man love update: gave him a flower after his class final viewing of their films. He liked it. Was a bit awkward

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Been crying all day because I’m gonna miss my friends (and the 47 year old MAN that I am slightly in love with) so much when school ends :-)