sweatypalmskindhearted

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

Today is February 10, 2024. 23.57

This is my first post in 2024. Hi!

These days, I feel really good. Is it because of the long days off (4 days in a row!!) or just me, idk hehe.

February is voting month. Yep, it's time for a change. I do hope my country get the best person to be the president!!

This is actually one of the reason that I write here! One of the reason I am feeling good is this event. Voting. Weird, right?

One of the candidate is a very inspiring man. He is smart, he is humble, he is kind, and there are still a lot of good things to add to that list. It makes me want to be like him. How he speaks, how he handles problems, how he interacts with the people, his work ethics, his manner and attitude, etc. etc.

As I get older, I strive to thrive. To be a better person. I realize I lack in lots of things. I start small, from my family. But it is actually the harder ones, to try to change in your family. Some things are easier, some not so much.

I know I have changed. For starters, I used to hate changes, now I welcome them. And I hope to continue welcoming changes, better changes. (I use too many changes, the word lost its meaning for a second).

I am still a teacher. I found that I enjoy being a teacher! I need to continue my study to become better at it, insyaallah.

While I am here, I also want to talk about things that suddenly pop up inside my head. Names. People's names. I really like learning about names and its meaning.

People say that names are prayer, hope. It is parents' hope for their children. Can we live up to our names? Some people tells me story about their names and I think "yeah, names are prayers. names are important."

I used to dislike my name. Other than because I thought it sounds weird, the meaning paled in comparison to my sisters'. My older sister's name means something along the line of beautiful, kind-hearted woman; a good scent, fragarance of flowers. My younger sister's is present, gift, benefit, favor, granting, giving.

My name means something along help, care, protection, concern.

Keyword: used to. I like my name just fine now. And I just want to focus to live up to it. There is nothing wrong with it. It doesn't sound weird at all. And its meaning is something good.

Yeah, I hope everything goes well and insyaallah I can do this.

(Note to self: don't be a negative person, learn how to complain less, don't be judgemental, let go of the past, try to be more helpful, ask Allah to soften your heart, less talking about unnecessary things/problems, focus on yourself, focus on what you have, be more grateful)

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

4 months into 2023

It is me again. Today is Thursday, April 20th, 2023. Ramadhan 29, 1444 AH. Time: 00.29

Where do I begin? I am going to write a summary for each month up until today. go;

January was unreal. I went abroad with my family, but I won't disclose where. What I found from the trip is that I love love love traveling. Traveling has been my wish since I was a wee girl (middle school), I dreamt of studying at a university abroad bcs I wanted to learn English. As I get older, well, I found out that it is not THAT easy and that dream just stays there. I still got into a very good uni though, just, not abroad. It is amazing to witness different everything in another country. I felt different at that time, I felt More. My thought quickly jumped to the studies that mentioned that bilingual or multilingual people tend to act differently when speaking in each language. I spoke in English half the time I am abroad, and wow, I felt very happy talking to strangers in English like that? the feeling was new, when I speak English to people that also understand my mother language AND when I speak English to people that mainly speaks English or knows another language that I don't speak.

Sum.: In January I felt More, I fell in love, I experience a TON of new feelings and situation.

February was uneventful.

I am back...today it's September 14th 2023 22.05

Wow it has been what..unreal

okay, on February it was uneventful. But between March-April (iirc) I got a job as a teacher and it started on May 2nd 2023.

Being a teacher, well, it was new. I have never been one before(!!) And I found out that "hey it is not THAT bad" anyway. It has been an amazing journey but i dont really put it out there just bcs. And...I am still trying to find my footing in this field(?) A LOT of uncomfortable situation that I hv been through I hope will make me a seasoned fighter lol. But on a serious note I kind of got a feeling that my school is sus...yea....

but yea thats it

and oh, my mbti changed from infp to isfp maybe thats why my words not as good but i got the point across

Bye see u next time

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

It is me, again, graduation day rant

hello!! before we start, it is Monday, September 12, 2022. 01.29 a.m.

I graduated?! yesterday, September 11, 2022, I officially get my degree...wow it still feel unreal. I couldn't get used to the degree behind my name (yet!!)

Life has been great? alhamdulillah 1000× I feel really grateful for everything. I am happy, I got to attend in-person graduation ceremony, how cool is that hehehe :3

After graduation I feel a little somber(?) *sigh* I feel happy, I really do. At the same time I feel sad(?) this is really the end of my academic life (or is it? wkwk) anyway..

The thought that "did I regret that? did I regret not doing that?" or similar, hits me sometimes still, especially now that a chapter has just ended. But, I dug memories from my uni days and, despite all that lacking, I realize that I was surrounded by good people, I was loved, so much, and how can I regret that?

Even i am not the smartest or achieve something extraordinary here, meeting the people, the good, the bad, those who stays and left, I really am truly grateful. My major, despite all of it flaws, is filled with good people.

I learn a lot from a lot of people/friends/lecturer/acquaintances. I learn that it is good to care for others, it is good to be vulnerable, it is good to be genuine, it is good to put your heart on your sleeve, it is good to be soft, it is good to stand your ground, it is good to be awkward, it is good to be alone and to be with others,it is good to be loud and to be quiet, etc. In here, I learn to just be you, accept yourself, but at the same time to grow, learn to accept yourselves as it changes with your growth and maturing. These people taught me how to be mature while still preserve your child side(?) wkwk

I was and am loved, truly loved. These people makes me feel loved, they are not afraid to show it and I am forever grateful. I changed and will always be, and rather than hating it like i used to, pls enjoy it start from now, ya. Change is inevitable, it will happen whether you hate or like it, so let's face it eventhough it is scary and uncomfortable.

A chapter ended means a beginning of a new one. Bismillah, insyaallah this new chapter will be as good or even better hehe...

N ♡

01.54 a.m.

please remember this sporadic diary when you feel down and need something

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

I am done with college??

Thursday, July 14, 2022 05.42

Yesterday July 13 2022 I am done with my final essay? what? what??

Alhamdulillah!! I can't stop saying that! It was surreal, like, my 4-year journey was finished just like that??

I was anxious for the WHOLE day because my schedule was moved to the evening at 16.30 (it takes one hour, hence I said evening). Most of my friends finished by 14.30 that day bcs that was the normal schedule!

Sidang was fun surprisingly. I got a lot of new knowledge and I feel like I can finally put a backbone in my writing if that makes sense. The profs guide me on my essay and it was fun hehe.

Now onto revision we go! insyaallah we'll be finished in 2 weeks :")

Alhamdulillah!

Now onto the next journey (bismillah)

05.49

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

Probably the fastest that I go here again

June 20th, 2022

It is unusually fast for me to write here again lolol. But, My thesis got the acc on Friday!! (June 17th). I was elated though the battle doesn't end there:") BUT let's persevere!! hold on a little more, n!!

sentence that motivates me lately:

"ur gonna figure it out. Like u always have."

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” (2:286)

cheers! 12.09 p.m. June 20, 2022

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

It is me again kkk

Today is Wednesday, 15 June 2022 @ 00.28 a.m.

start!! kkk

The last entry was in Oct 2021, wow how time flies?!

I will write an update about today and this week (because it was-to put simply-chaotic). The past week I had been kinda down, it was a bad week (just like the bad days, but make it 7 days). The bad days are becoming more sparse actually, and it is good. I can say I begin to befriend my emotions (in the past years we were acquaintances at best) and it was not sunshine and rainbows but still better than before.

Weirdly enough, what triggered me to write again is because yesterday bts, the band, was like announcing their hiatus(?) I follow them casually, from time to time, and like them okay but still, reading the summary of what they said is truly makes me reflect.

As of now, I am 22 years old, in my 8th semester of college, and writing my thesis for me to graduate and get that bachelor's degree kkkk. My thesis is short on 800ish words, and I am writing this instead.

I realized that for the past years (YEARS!) I have been drowning in my self-pity (fuck) even though I know there has nothing to be pitied about?! hhhhhhhh big sigh. but yea idk, my mind has been in a jumble, one day it can be the most optimistic person, and the next it just started to crumble again. I hope by writing these sporadic diary, I can look back and see when I was feeling good and bad.

Actually, I just scrolled my own blog and realized that I have changed as a person (alhamdulillah). My younger me kinda makes me cringe, but I still want to thank her for persevering until now and thank you for putting up with everything I have put her through (mostly the bad). Alhamdulillah Allah made us this strong. Thank you for staying strong when we still see ourselves as a bad people all the time, thank you for putting up with all the anger we have felt every day, for the sadness, for pulling an auto-pilot mode in order to do our daily tasks, for going through all the breakdowns in 2020-2021 (and still now sometimes wkwk), thank you for noticing the signs when we are not okay, for figuring out that we haven't been okay for sometimes, and all the other things I can't name.

Now, you have to pull through this trial before you go to the next chapter: finish this thesis and slay the thesis defense in July!! Don't worry too much about the future, you'll get there when you get there, be present, be mindful, pls take every piece of advice you give others and teach yourself to do that, teach yourself to be kinder to yourself. don't be lazy.

(my English has improved, sure, but this long-ass diary entry is assisted by yours truly, Grammarly <3)

Until next time,

N

00.52 a.m.

p.s: this piece is still lacking my emotions, I hope I can write my emotions better in the future :3

oh, the pandemic gets better alhamdulillah

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

Oct 18, 2021.

I finished a k-drama "Because This Is My First Life" and oh gosh...

it really change my persepctive on love and life. I can't put into words how much I love this drama!!!

1000/10 will watch again

-N

09.02 a.m.

KSDA class at home

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

hello, world. it's me...

Today is July 20, 2021

Who would've thought that we'll still be in the middle of pandemic? it's the 2nd wave, had been for the past 2 weeks(?)

Life has been great, mostly

I am 21 now, still can't drive and haven't got my license yet lol.

I have made peace with my current state of mind. I just have to understand that life can be bad sometimes but there will always, ALWAYS, be a good time too. I just let the bad days happen, and be patient that, this too shall pass.

My persepctive towards life had shifted a bit. I used to be like "I do not want to hurt people cause I do not want to be hurt by them" Well, how wrong I was. There are possibilities that people will treat you badly eventhough you are nice to them, and it is not unexpected either, it just how it is.

A lot of things change, it is just one of them. I want to use this page as a diary of sorts lol. Okay that is it for now, I think.

AFN

02.22 a.m.

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

i am back...but for what hehe

it’s may, 17th 2020

i am 20 yrs and 13 days old as of now

life has been...pretty interesting if we put it nicely

i can’t believe it, rereading my post from this account and realize that it has been 3 yrs since i own this account

so much, so much has change (i need to cry like rn but i can’t)

so yea i just gonna pour it here

the world basically in a lock down because of a virus

when i put it like that, it really sounds like a scifi movie isnt it? hehe

but anyway, it has been 2 months, i think...

i am a homebody for as long as i can remember but this time i really really want to meet my frens :(

to be honest, i am scared, i really am scared

i can’t put my finger on it but yeah ha

anyway, sometimes i think it is my anxiety talking

when i think of how life used to be, i really miss those but i need to be patience, we all need to be patience. everything will be fine i trust Allah’s plan

i really really really wanna cry not want but need :’’’’’’’’’’’’]

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

Pawttery

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

She can feel things

That's why she erases her mistakes

And rewrite on top of it.

I just crossed out my mistakes

And rewrite it after the scribbles

Loving every second of it

For the sake of feeling things.

8 Mar 2019/02.33 a.m.

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

I hate that I can't hate you

AFN

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

I don't feel great today.

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

It’s all about perspective

They said,”Nothing lasts forever.” But for me, everything lasts forever. Why? well, I see it like this: forever is relative, there is not a fixed time for the term “forever”. here is an example: “I’ll stay with you forever.” said husband to his wife, what he means is his forever, NOT her forever. because, let’s say the husband dies first, that is his forever. from when he was born until his last breath, that is his forever, he is not wrong. everything lasts forever, we just don’t know when or how long our forever is.

-AFN

9.31 p.m. 20/11/2017

i am in denial, aren’t i? 

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

my friends lied about important things to me yesterday, well, eventhough they tell me today, the fact that they lie to me still hurt me deeply.

I feel hurt and left out, which is worse than angry.

AFN

Sunday,November 12, 2017

1.40 p.m.

[sweatypalmskindhearted]

SHOUTOUT TO EVERYONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN IN ANY KIND OF ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IN THEIR WHOLE LIFE!