sweetfortunes

[sweetfortunes]

i slept next to her a few nights ago. i woke up before she did and i just stared at her back until she woke up too. she always sleeps so close to me it makes me feel so comforted and happy. i wish i could have reached out and scratched her back.

[sweetfortunes]

party was shite left early

[sweetfortunes]

i’ve been considering buying a whip to use on myself when i get that feeling that i should punish myself

[sweetfortunes]

when i think someone doesn’t like me i just want to cut myself

[sweetfortunes]

it bothers me that i have close friends who still use the word retarded around me. i was bullied throughout my childhood and called a retard because i was autistic. i have talked to my friends about this and most of them listened and haven’t repeated it since but others have slipped up around me and ended up saying it. i just have to act like it doesn’t get to me but inside it hurts me so much. the word makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself and i just feel humiliated because all of the bad memories come back and i feel even more embarrassed over the fact that a word made me so upset that i become even more upset.

[sweetfortunes]

i’ve been really struggling with my mental health after a relapse so i hung out with my friends to make me feel better and one of their boyfriends tried to sa me :) i hate everything in my life so much i don’t understand why bad things keep happening to me over and over again

[sweetfortunes]

i don’t know what to do. i feel like i don’t want to see my friends after what happened because i feel ashamed and embarrassed. i never want to try being nice to a guy ever again. sometimes i wonder if the few guys that i trust are really just waiting around for the right moment when i let my guard down. everyone is the same. everyone treats me the same. nothing ever changes. it’s all my fault. i don’t understand why people keep treating me like this. i feel like this wouldn’t keep happening if i didn’t deserve it. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about it because i just feel so embarrassed. i hate everything. nothing ever changes.

[sweetfortunes]

i hate the way that i look in everything. i’ve never once felt confident with anything about myself. i’ve never liked the way that i look, i’ve never liked my personality, i’ve never liked anything i’ve done, i’ve never been proud of something i’ve made or done. i hate how insecure i am. i feel like i’m a drain on everyone around me because they can somehow tell how negative i am on the inside. i wish i never had to be seen. i wish i didn’t look like anything. i wish i never had to talk to anyone.

[sweetfortunes]

sometimes i feel like my friends judge me for my life choices. they never outwardly say things to my face but they talk about certain things broadly in a negative way that obviously include me. i don’t know if they do it on purpose but it really does hurt my feelings. i’m not proud of a lot of parts of myself, i already know i make bad choices, and trust me i already hate myself and judge myself enough i don’t need to hear it from other people too. it’s hard to try and get better when you know that the people around you already think you’re a mess even if they won’t say it to you directly. nothing i ever do will change what people already think of me so why even try. whats the point

[sweetfortunes]

[sweetfortunes]

being autistic is genuinely so isolating for me i get upset about it almost every day. most of the time it feels like nobody will ever understand how i feel even if they try. nothing i do makes any sense and i don’t fit in anywhere. i’m so painfully socially awkward i don’t know how to talk to people or advocate for myself. i’m so aware of my body i never know how to stand i feel aware of all of my bones in my body touching each other in an uncomfortable way. i’m so aware of the fact that people notice that i’m strange and i’m so self conscious about it i don’t know how to hide it, even when i’m masking it’s like everyone can see through it and they know that i’m strange. i don’t relate to anyone around me. i feel so out of place with people my own age, the people i feel most comfortable around are adult women because they’re the nicest to me, but i don’t relate to them in any way. i don’t even relate to other autistic people i know because they all act so differently to me. most of the time i don’t even talk when i’m not at home. lots of people expect me to act like a neurotypical person and do everything that they do and get angry at me when i can’t, even if they know i’m autistic it’s like they choose to ignore it or they don’t believe it? i don’t know but it really upsets me because i feel so embarrassed and disappointed in myself when i can’t do things that most people can, even though i know it’s not my fault it feels like it is and like i’m just not trying hard enough.

[sweetfortunes]

i hate when people assume that you don’t care about things just because you don’t talk about it outwardly. i prefer keeping how i feel about things private it doesn’t mean that i don’t feel anything. if anything i feel so much and thats why i don’t want to talk about it because it’s overwhelming. i hate feeling vulnerable because my brain tells me that it can be used against me. nobody really knows anything about me. but for some reason people assume that they do.

[sweetfortunes]

i’ve agreed to bring in my blades tomorrow to quit self harming. i don’t feel ready at all but i know its the right thing to do its just so hard. i don’t want to do it at all but i know i need to. i feel so overwhelmed

[sweetfortunes]

i think i’ve talked about my ex gf a few times before on here and how i’ve been no contact with her for over 2 years. she’s having a big party and she invited all of my friends apart from me, one of my friends asked if she could bring me as a plus one and now i’ve agreed to go to the party. now i’ve spoken to my ex gf for the first time and i think shes trying to make amends she knew about my arfid and she’s offered to accommodate for me and i feel like i can’t breathe every time i answer her. i’ve been crying for a while because i feel so strange. i hated her so much and i don’t forgive her but now shes trying to be so nice to me i don’t know what to do. i went along with my friends but i don’t know what i was thinking agreeing to this. i keep a lot of how i feel private because i’m uncomfortable talking about those kinds of things with people close to me so i don’t think they would have thought that this would be emotional for me. i feel like i’m blabbering and not making any sense in this post and my words are all everywhere and i’m not making any points by my brain is all over the place and i’m kind of venting. i feel like i could throw up. and i’ll have to face her at the actual party. i ignored her last time she reached out to me and its eating me up inside. sometimes i feel like i get very emotional about situations which other people didn’t think much about, i don’t know if this whole thing is hard for her too. i can’t sleep and i’ve ignored a few messages from her because i get really worked up trying to reply.

[sweetfortunes]

i feel so drained every day having to actively fight with myself to not relapse

[sweetfortunes]

its so upsetting when something you have looked forward to doesn’t work out when you have depression. obviously anyone would be upset but idk when its just like something small like if you were excited to try a new snack but you went and found that it had sold out or something you would be sad but it wouldn’t be a big deal. to me it feels like such a big deal. being depressed makes me feel like i have nothing to live for and like i’m completely hollow inside and i cant enjoy anything, when i find something to look forward to it means so much to me because theres nothing else that makes me feel happiness or excitement, and when it doesn’t work out it just reinforces in my brain that theres no point in being hopeful about anything. i hide away how i really feel to the people around me which means they don’t understand my point of view of things like that, to them i just look like a spoilt brat who cried because she didn’t get what she wanted but it’s really because i just proved to myself that i’m stupid to ever look forward to anything because i will always be let down and theres no point to anything. i don’t know. maybe this really is me being a spoilt brat and i’m just trying to make excuses for myself. i’m sick of getting my hopes up only to be let down. it’s so exhausting.

[sweetfortunes]

i feel so completely drained. i don’t take pleasure in anything anymore. even things that i really like or enjoy i feel no excitement for and dread because it means getting out of bed. i just want to lay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing.