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and i didn't want to be here again, I just didn't want to end up socially exhausted, an inept wallflower again. i don't know brother. do i want to be back with him again? no. did i move on even one bit in the past 2 months? a bit for sure but again was that enough. academically, am i accomplishing anything? sometimes i feel things are getting back on track but again that isn't enough. baby steps my foot. nothing is working out. but then when i sit down to evaluate what is it that i want to work, IDFK. is it him? is it me? both? everyone else? i don't want to be this person but i am jealous of folks now yaar. how is everyone so hella happy? how is it that everyone's so easy, chill and calm about life? bro, I'm panicking yet there are no results. no results as in no results in any aspect. what am i doing wrong? where am i going wrong? someone please hug me before i melt into a pool of tears. sudden realisation, i just want to fit in somewhere bro. if i could just get this feeling that i belong somewhere na, i'd feel so much better. it doesn't have to be the most popular group, the niche-est group would do but please let me feel at ease somewhere.

or is it my personality? my habit of always making things so complex inside my head and my inherent inferiority complex adding up to make the weight of my head more than my heart could carry on.

i just wanna run off to somwhere. maybe a month of hibernation could fix me. maybe?

[swiggy]

Living on my own again for the first time in several years has been a crash course reminder that I need to carefully manage my basic needs in order to keep myself balanced. Especially since I’m 1,000 miles from home it’s very much like - you need to remember to start making dinner at 6pm BEFORE you get hungry or you will get too deep in your thoughts and think you’re depression spiraling. Yes, you feel down every night when the sun starts to go down, it’s normal and will transmute into sleepiness at 8pm. Have you drank a glass of water in the past hour? I actually recognize this slightly unmoored feeling I have now as the way I felt when I moved into my first apartment in college :) it’s okay, hold it steady

[swiggy]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[swiggy]

कर रहा था ग़म-ए-जहाँ का हिसाब

आज तुम याद बेहिसाब आये

- फ़ैज़ अहमद फ़ैज़

[swiggy]

what is the first thing that comes to ur mind when u think of the person u rb'd this from?

[swiggy]

- j (x), no rhyme, no reason

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THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

I dream a lot. I have always dreamed a lot. But now that i think about it i have never dreamed badly enough , desperately enough to pour my entire self for just that one thing. I've always been quick at compromising, one of the many things I hate about myself ; quick to compromise , rarely a risktaker , full of regrets yet lives life like anyother. I don't even remember the last time I craved something desperately, maybe when I was 7 and wanted that stationery box that all the cool kids had but even then I don't remember speaking up for it. Yes, a 7 year old didn't want material things for they have no point and it's only academics that I have to excel at and everything will be fine. Or when I was 15 and gave more than my level best to top my 10th boards yet ended up 5th and accepted it gracefully that others must surely have worked harder than me. Or when I ws 18 and had already planned my entire life as a medico, worked my ass off for 3 years , burnt my entire teenage for that one dream and then powerlessly accepted my 'fate' (as others call it) to join a business school. I have always let things happen, passively and powerlessly, accepted whatever comes my way and compromise with one more regret and live on, hate myself for it but somehow it has worked out one way or the other everytime and that explains why I'd not refrain from doing the same again. That's the life of someone who has never fought for anything in life, never deviated towards the road not taken. Doesn't really align with my personality but for once I want to choose to burn for someone or something to wilfully ignite a fire within myself and let it take over my sanity.. to take the road not taken.

[swiggy]

take my hand, take my whole life, too. for I can't help falling in love with you

[swiggy]

Daughter, who watered every plant in the house, when did you ever eat the same plant's fruit? Daughter, who only learned to give and give, why do you not take anything in return? Is it your kindness or your shame? Is it a virtue or a guise?

[swiggy]

to put it simply, the right people will get you. you will not have to fight for breadcrumbs of love. you will not have to beg for attention. the right people will love you freely and easily, and will carve out space in their life for you. the right people will check up on you on your bad days & laugh with you on your good. you will find friends who embrace every part of you, and who will push you to grow. someday, any trace of those who hurt you will be filled with warmth from those who never will.

[swiggy]

when your person says 'trust me' , you just have to say 'i do'.

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@swiggy

[swiggy]

I think when you’re evolving from being a people pleaser into someone with more boundaries it can feel so strange, because it’s hard to tell if you’re being mean or if you’re just listening to your own feelings for once, because you’re so used to only thinking about others first.

[swiggy]

i fear being sad. i don't know what these emotions will build up into , i'm scared constant amalgamation of these episodes could constitute into a bigger mess and i don't want to be there again. i have been there and i know how scary, uncertain and morbid it is to feel that way about one's own self and that justifies why i'm doing every possible thing i can to not end up that way again. at this point i'm readily doing anything which i believe could help me resist my emotions and let time pass. i don't care if it's true or not but i'm going to believe it's a phase and will pass eventually. i will keep making lame jokes, i will continue writing those stand up scripts , i will keep having the best of the meals routinely , i will sleep routinely , i will study sociology if i have to i don't care my academics don't require it .. i just will because i want to , i will watch rom-coms , i will practise maths even though i'm a non-math , i will call my friends even if i have nothing to say , i will go for walks even if i don't want to .. basicaly and conclusively i would do whatever it takes but not let this urge to slumber dwell over this year i resolved to live happily. i will choose to stay happy over and over again for this is my first time turning 18. eighteen is young ; eighteen is old but for what i chose to believe 18 is just the beginning.

[swiggy]

— Ocean Vuong, Because It’s Summer

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you’re so young and you have so much time. life is longer than you think, and there will be time for you to do everything. if you lost your youth to mental illness or abuse, your life isn’t over. you can do everything you missed out on, and more. if you’re losing your youth right now, there will be time for you to do the things you want to do. it’s gonna be okay, you still have time.

[swiggy]

the hypocrisy of being human; the constant tug between solitude and company, the desire to love so desperately and simultaneously be detached from it all, of wanting everything and wanting nothing.