swt-prvdnc

[swt-prvdnc]

having a hard time

universities are pretty hard. I've been doing well so far, didn't get anything below 75% in maths, which is amazing. I get max points from most lab exercises in robo as well, so that's great

I cried yesterday at night and I really don't know why. that's probably the reason I guess, because I do feel depressed and idk emotionally unwell but I can't express it with words so I just had a meltdown about it

I am living with my family because I am "too disrespectful" for them to pay for my living alone. my father trashtalks me time and again but if I answer, well, that's disrespectful, so not only do I have to repress my emotions when I'm around him, it feels like what he's doing is deemed ok, therefore I must deal with my feelings on my own

recently he and my sister visited grandma and there he spent an hour talking about how stupid and close-minded I am, which is "all facts" to him

I also feel like my boyfriend is just done with me needing support and shit all the time. I wish I could give more from myself

it seems to me that my emotional development is at the 4 years old child stage, when one needs constant affirmation, attention and care. which is obviously not something I'd like to be, but then I don't know how to properly take care of myself when it comes to emotions

recently I was casually complaining about how my family won't keep the sleep schedule that would match the time of my classes (I can't sleep when someone is up because every single noise wakes me up). my boyfriend said that I can't expect people to adjust their lifestyle to me and I figure he is right, I can't do that

so in conclusion, I can't be mad at my family for not giving a shit about my sleep, I can only be mad at myself for having such fragile sleep

self-hatred++

but also if this is what he's thinking then I'm not sure if I want to live with him in the future

there are actually a few red flags when it comes to finances on his side

we had an opportunity to move in together a while ago and he was genuinely concerned that how come he has to pay a half of the rent. lmao

"your mother is paying it anyway, so it's like I'm paying her, right? she shouldn't earn money from me"

never have I ever met someone so entitled. of course we didn't do it, my mother was offended and he doesn't see how wrong this is. I thought maybe I just don't understand how it works, but I talked to multiple people about it and they were all surprised when I told them that this is what he did

we were also talking about marriage (as a concept) and he pointed put that it's super weird that my father has his own, separate studio (he's a music producer). like, he could have it in the house, right? and this way he would be always accessible, so the rest of the family could reach him all the time

jfc if I wanted to have a flat for work and he would pull something like this on me, I would go mad. how am I supposed to focus on work if my partner wants to have all-time access to me, this is crazy

we will probably have an opportunity to live together at some point, I'll see what it's like. all of this might be caused by him being very immature. when he gets a job and has to work hard to earn anything, he may change his attitude

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I think if I stopped counting calories I would be afraid of gaining weight so much that I would be in a deficit all the time which would result in even more weightloss, we don't want that either

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mom made them cookies and I calculated things not knowing exactly how many she made. anyway, let's say there are 40 of them, it's 230 calories per one fucking cookie, they are tiny, jesus fucking christ

the orginal recipe is for 20 large pieces, 460 fucking calories per one. that's a whole god damn meal

I'm going on a trip with my bf and I'm taking a few of those with me, how difficult it will be to explain why I am not eating them

recently he said that it's really really sad to watch how stressed I am about a few drops of oil. I know I look dumb when I do this but the idea of eating more gives me crippling anxiety

I wish I was normal, I really do. I watch his eating habits and while they aren't exactly healthy, he's been bordering underweight his whole life. he eats little for a few days and then gets a large portion of something oily or sugary

I feel like if I tried to do this, I would not be able to stop eating after that sporadic large portion and I would not be able to stay low on a regular basis

but maybe I'll try something like this. let's say it would be 1400-1500 calories for 5 days and then 2000 the next day, then 1400-1500 again. I believe this is how skinny people do it

also I could think of some ideas for meals that are all 400-500 calories, so then I wouldn't have to rely on numbers as much

I am so afraid that if I stop counting calories I will gain weight right back plus some more and I would fucking kill myself if it happened

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another day of feeling like utter crap and tryna be ok about it

I think I'll make it a longterm goal to separate this feeling from my thinking – I'd call it getting back the control of my life

I don't need to feel special to do good things

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I am feeling like a failure right now, for no apparent reason other than my bf telling about one of his friends – how smart, successful and promising he is. some time ago he was talking about his other friend, who created a custom program for my bf, a very good program, same feeling

I can't imagine him telling anyone about me or anything I did

ok but here we are now for the sake of turning this into some neutrality, not to whine about how unhappy we are

there are so many mediocre people who are achieving some things and live satisfying lives. the "everyone is special" is a lie, we waste time searching for something that will make us feel as if we found what makes us so special– I don't have to believe this. some people are simply better than others, but it doesn't mean I can't do things

I don't have to feel ok about myself to do things

and then, how doing things make me feel about myself doesn't matter, the important part of this is if they are good things

I am merely a person doing things, I don't need to feel any particular way about myself

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a few days ago my chłopak said that he is really hyped about erasmus. he would like to go during his second year. prior to this I asked if he thought that doing a long distance relationship would work for us. he said no

so what does that mean?

it means that apparently this relationship has an expiration date, in a year we might need to say goodbye

I imagined what that day might look like, the last time we see each other before he leaves

after seeing him I would go home, enter my room, see the hoodie, a set of pencils and a small mirror he gave me. open spotify to distract myself from pain, see radiohead's videotape and

and I cried from imagining this

but also I had a thought that why do I even bother with this relationship right now if it's gonna get deleted like that in a year. I could focus 100% on school and just give no more fucks. on the other hand I could enjoy the time we have for each other that's left

either way, I would rather mourn right now so I am emotionally ready for this if it happens

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man adulthood scares the fuck out of me

my parents have built this safe structure for me and soon I'll have to build one for my potential family. nothing will ever be the same. these are literally the last years of being my parents' kid

well technically I've been somewhat self-sufficient for a while now but that's within my parents' structure

I am not worried about making money or getting a job, I think I have pretty good prospects

I am thinking about how the structure will gradually change, my role in my life will change. I have a hard time visualizing who I'll be in 5 years from now, there are so many variables

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today I'm seeing a friend who will teach me something about web dev. pretty excited, it's basically free tutoring

some of the people around me are pessimistic about me doing maths and robotics at the same time. why eveyone thinks I'm a workaholic lol they're just hobbies. I mean I know I have a tendency to overwork myself, but I can leverage that with more degrees

my chłopak wants to play minecraft with me. I don't think I want to invest time in useless pleasure like that. in the future I might want to learn how to mod mc, but right now there are more important things to do

I started thinking about the fact that I won't be able to keep my lifestyle forever. in 40 years I won't have as much energy and motivation, if I happen to have a family I will want to spend some time with them. children require attention and care. I don't want to make my dad's mistake of not giving a fuck about his kids

at the same time I can't really do thing that are not developing my skills. I get uncomfortable if I have to dedicate a day to relaxing

it's connected to the fact that I don't believe I have any quality traits outside of those work-related. I would rather get the shit done and get a reward for that if my creation is good or get criticism for not doing the thing the right way. I can't take criticism related directly to who I am as a person, getting compliments on who I am as a person seems unpredictible to me

like, someone builds an idea of who I am in their mind and then I might ruin it by doing something the wrong way, no, I don't like this. I would rather disconnect my sense of self-worth from other people, because they are unpredictible, this whole thing sounds like manipulation to me. if I build my self-wirth on how much I can do, I know how much I can do, nobody has to approve if I know I did it right

besides, everything is business, anyway. people don't like me for who I am but for what I can do for them, anyway. of course everyone has the right to say "I don't like you anymore, you've done x, y and z to me, which is not ok" but it boils down to "I didn't like your product". and that's the client side – I can also say "this is over, I don't like you". I can provide most things for myself so don't need other people either way

I know that doing good things for other people should come natural, but for me it comes natural to do nothing for other people (so just leaving them alone)

if I am supposed to do transactions like these, I would rather make monetizable products and get something for myself from it. my ex therapist would say right now that oh but people can support you when you're feeling down or they can tell you that you're a good person and help you this way. no. if I'm feeling down it's either because my brain is fucking with me again (and that can't be fix by others supporting me) or because I have a problem I must solve

as if expressing my emotions in front of other people was helpful, excuse me

I have the urge to tell someone how I feel but I ususally feel even worse afterwards because it feels more real when I talk about it. and if it's caused by some problem, the most important thing to do is solve the fucking problem, emotions are distracting in these circumstances

don't get me started on misiterpretation. how many times people didn't even notice I was expressing something. and if they did, I would usually get some generic advice or a bunch of meaningless affirmations

the thing is, when I start to believe words like "you're a good person" then I'll be shocked when something proves otherwise

I don't need to have any feelings about myself, I think being neutral is the way to go

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feeling kinda uh down again for no reason??

I have this "something's not right and never will be" feeling

it's like "no this is not it I don't wanna do this" but the "this" is basically being so it's not like I have a choice lmao

I think people have these go-to things they do when they're feeling like that and it gets better. but I don't, my "things" are tools to distract myself and in general most of what I do is distraction

recently I thought maybe I have bipolar. I spent last week feeling fucking splendid all the time, prior to this I felt depressed for about three weeks. now I feel completely neutral but not the "alright" neutral, more like apathetic neutral. maybe my brain got tired

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I am applying for a second degree, maths this time, everything seems promissing, I have 88/100 points and the minimum last year was 80

two degrees at two separate unis, it's gonna be a tough year huh

I'm pretty excited

my chłopak is applying for sociology and he's got 85 points, the minumum was around 65, excellent

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wrapping my head around web dev, this is really cool and fun

yesterday I had some sort of a breakdown and I don't even want to go into details, it was all one huge contradiction

anyway the theme was that I would like to be appreciated for the uniquness I can bring but at the same time I know it is not going to happen because one is found unique by doing what everybody does + some more

e.g. to be found special when it comes to thinking one must excel in some research area

because people cannot go into your head and be like oh the way you form thoughts is special

doesn't matter

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still thinking about the differences in my chłopak's and mine point of view when it comes to work, rest and what's important in life

his statement used to be:

(1) I am a workaholic, a tryhard, a wannabe

(2) he didn't think what I do is important and of value, instead I am wasting time

(3) he doesn't respect diligence, discipline and dedication, unless it's directly for the other person

and I am not sure where we at right now, what he thinks and what he supports, I should probably ask him for an overview

this whole time I was refraining from roasting his modus operandi, because I didn't want to be a hypocrite. today I realized I could just as well take on a more aggressive stance, criticize him heavily and start a good ol' fight

my points:

(1) he is not able to imagine that his actions right now may have consequences on the people around him in the future. he talks about having a family, but with children it is so difficult to see that "this action will pay off in the future", sacrifice is required. "I don't want to do this thing but doing this thing will probably teach me how to overcome challenges or possibly I can learn something else" – he won't do it, he will only if someone comes to him and says "hey I really need you to do this thing, this is how you can help me". but sometimes one has to imagine that doing a certain thing will help someone

(2) he doesn't understand that what he learns now is there to stay. I might be wrong, of course, but here is my opinion: if he doesn't learn useful behaviours now he will never learn them, because his brain's ability to change neural pathways decreases with age. so now is the best time to really nail that character development

(3) his vision of what life is about is highly unrealistic. seriously dude, you can have as many opinions as you want, but at some point you'll have to do things you don't want to do but you can do it on your terms, that's what I am talking about. he doesn't respect people who attempt taking charge, because yo just go with the flow. he doesn't see the end of that road, which is you don't know where the flow takes you

I think I'll ask him to describe his values and what he thinks of me to update my database. I think my point of view is exaggerated, very much a strawman argument

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so I worked for 4 days and I walked 56km total, which is crazy, my knees hurt but the calories oml

anyway I saw different neighbourhoods and I had some final thoughts

(1) people who say "money is not important" are fucking stupid and have no idea how much living costs. or alternatively, their family just grants them everything and they never have to do anything. I witnessed what it's like when you have no education and have to work a strenous physical job for a ridiculous amount of money. I wanted to experience it first-hand and yeah seriously I will never believe anyone who tells me that you can't buy happiness because for the people I worked with happiness means having a place to live in or having dinner

(2) if I can ever afford buying an expensive beautiful flat, I will buy an ok flat and invest the rest of my money in education (for me and possibly for my children if I have them). at first I was amazed by how beautiful the house can be but after walking around it for the next 5 hours I was thinking and then what you just sit there and watch how stunning this is? lmao get a life

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I want to find a sweet spot between working really hard on my goals and getting some rest

my chłopak is the king of chillin' and I am a workaholic so obviously we have some conflicts regarding our choices of spending time

I think this is a great opportunity for both of us. I can learn how to listen to my body when it comes to energy levels and he can learn to commit to what he wants to achieve

we can learn how to work smart

I stayed at his place for a week. we were sleeping till 1pm and doing nothing for the most part, I was also revising for my driving license exam. I probably needed it but it felt frustrating because every waking hour could have been spent working on my skills

I don't feel comfortable taking a break unless I feel completely exhausted or demotivated to the point of crying from hopelessness. he doesn't feel comfortable working unless he is fully hyped about something and energized

honestly, looking into the future, I would like it to be that he has a low-effort job and takes care of the house while I can work 12 hours per day and just bring the money (just like my father does lol)

btw the weight today was exactly 53, which is 0.1 more than a week ago, though I am not stressing about it as I'm getting my period soon. normally my weight would fluctuate much more than 0.1 so I might have lost ~0.2 again, can't be sure

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on monday I am starting a new job in which I'll be on my feet for 8 hours per day

excited about my calorie expenses

kinda stressed because I never worked outside of tutoring before

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I did a small research on freelancing and omfg you can earn up to $2000 for an application but there is so much scam around lmao

maybe it's best to wait until I have more time on my uni and just get a regular job

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also 52.9 so I guess we're still in the deficit despite eating 1700 whopping calories per day ngl I'm not complaining