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[sylvemi]

— 6:59 AM by Shane Koyczan

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12/02/25 ♡ meanies

entry below the cut

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tw: bullying

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hello ♡ i wish i could say that today's conversation would be lighthearted. i've been having this ongoing battle inside my head, fighting with myself to branch out of my little hole in the world and socialize.

i've struggled with social anxiety for as long as i can remember. it's festered in different ways over the years; i was incredibly shy throughout middle and high school, i kept the same circle of friends from the 6th grade right up to my graduation. once i was done with school and landed my old job at starbucks, talking to strangers became incredibly easy. it was something i honestly enjoyed, striking up the small talk at my drive-thru window with whoever felt up to it, putting a smile on someone's face whenever they seemed a little blue, i loved it. this sudden ability to converse with whomever worked wonders whenever i kept it surface level, but my personal life has been on a decline for much, much longer.

i find it so hard to make friends; or keep myself close with the ones i have at all.

when i was a teenager, i lived a lot of my life online. a little chronically, you could say. video games were my passion, i had so many online friends and i never felt lonely. i stayed up till the early hours of the morning playing games, talking to people from everywhere across the world, constantly keeping myself busy. while it had it's fun moments, i was miserable.

i met this friend group through a boy at the start of my 10th grade year, they were all from england which i thought was oh so cool, and we had a lot of hobbies in common. i had a major crush on this boy, it consumed me. that relationship took my life into a chokehold for a very long time, and has quite shaped me into the person i am. i wouldn't say a lot of it was for the better, but i did learn a lot.

this newly found friend group didn't stay the fun, exciting experience it was at the start for very long. over time, quite a few of the boys became quite cruel to me. i was deeply invested and in love with this boy, (who we will refer to as leo for the remainder of this chat) and it sort of blurred my moral lines in terms of what i would put up with or do. it started with little jabs from one of his friends, t, always going out of his way to make fun of my weight in various ways. t had no clue what i looked like from the neck below, he hadn't even seen my face for the majority of my time around these people, but that didn't stop him. i was consumed with insecurity at this point in my life, like most teenagers are, so his comments really got under my skin. i tried not to take it to heart, but it's hard when you hear it all the time. this treatment escalated a lot further, and very quickly. m, another friend of leo's, particularly hated me for whatever reason. i kept to myself and the few people i was notably close to, remaining no more than very friendly with the others, but for some reason he really had it out for me; not just him, but he was really clear with it. i always assumed the abuse i received was because they were jealous of my relationship with leo, or that they were upset i was "taking him way", even though that was never my intention. nonetheless, they didn't like me. m told me i was fat almost everyday, which was just the tip of the iceburg. i particularly remember two different incidents with him that really freaked me out.

first, he really enjoyed playing cs:go. specifically hvh, which is when people cheat/hack the game play against each other in private lobbies to essentially see who has the better cheat engine. he, along with i believe one or two more people, really upset someone in one of these lobbies. to retaliate, or get under his skin, whatever they were trying to do, they doxxed him. while this is already really heinous, they also proceeded to dox him under an identity pretending to be me, including my discord as contact info to get me in trouble. i didn't really clock how dangerous that could've been for me until years after the fact.

i remember one of my girl friends sending me a screenshot of someone i've never interacted for asking for my discord in her dms. i was wary about this, having been through enough with those people to become very standoffish with people i didn't already know. i told her to make a group chat with the three of us in it, in my mind her presence there would keep me safe. i asked what he wanted from me, he was hesitant to share with my friend there, telling me he doesn't think i want her to know, but i insisted anyway. he proceeded to send us a video of a girl using the handle end of her hairbrush to masturbate, and ask if this was me. i refused, because it wasn't. i had never taken anything like that before, and i was a minor. i asked him why on earth he thought this was me, and where he got this video, which he then said m had sent it to him and his friends and attached my name to it once again. i truly felt disgusted, and afraid. i didn't want random people on the internet associating me with that. i was like, 16, so it would've been extremely illegal if it had been me. i remember telling leo about this, telling him how angry i was and being hurt that this came from one of his friends.

leo told me it was funny, and shrugged it off.

this should've really been my last straw, but it wasn't.

t, who i had mentioned early, kept at this for years. throughout time m had been ostracized from the friend group, although not because of what he did to me, leo's friend j didn't like him anymore and that's really all it took.

t, i'm assuming through his brother who i considered a friend at the time, got ahold of a picture of my face, then proceeded to make a twitter account with the photo attached, and went into the comments of different pretty girl's photos and left comments saying things like 'i wish i could look like you, but i'm too fat.'

this turned into a really, really big blow up. i was livid. the only other two girls in the friend group were also livid. i think he got kicked, but i don't remember, as he was always invited back anyway. everything i had gone through really fucked with me over the years, it really attributed to my developing disordered eating, and my overall self consciousness.

i genuinely cannot remember a time where leo had my back, or defended me. i think that was what hurt the most. i wanted so desperately for my relationship with him to work, i kind of just endured everything and took it in stride, hoping that eventually they would stop, and i could just be happy. being older, and more experienced, i know that was ridiculous. i should've left years ago, but i didn't. i wish i could've saved myself sooner.

besides the blatant bullying, they were really hard on me in terms of my hobbies. i loved video games, they were my escape from my stresses and a break from reality, but they always found a way to make me feel bad about my gameplay. i've never thought that i was particularly good at any of these games, mediocre at best, but they were fun for me. these boys really loved to remind me how bad i was, blame every loss on me, and demean me every time i pulled off a good play. if i was succeeding, or ranking up, it had to be because i'm boosted. it was never because i was capable.

there was so much drama amongst this group, too. every week it felt like there was a new fight. so and so hated this person, this person said that, this person hates this person. it was truly exhausting. if this kind of stuff was the worst of it, i probably would've been fine. that's just normal teenager stuff; but with all of the gossip and secrets and shit talking on top of everything else i had endured, i was terrified, scarred even, when it came to meeting new people. looking back on it now, i feel so sorry for my younger self. angry that no one really had my back. no one aside from my friends amy and zara, who, if you're reading this, i love you. i think you two were the only ones who kept me sane when i was younger.

now that i'm an adult, and have been away from them for a very long time, i can fully acknowledge that they were horrible to me. they were awful people at the time, and i do hope they've managed to grow up and realize how damaging their behaviour was on me. i don't ever expect an apology, i'd them not contact me, so i just hope that they've matured. as for leo, i really hope he realizes that staying silent really isn't the way to go. i think he was afraid of losing his friends, that or he really just didn't care. i hope it's the first option, even if i think he would've been much better off without them around anyway.

this experience has left me with some burdens i need to deal with on my own. i'm horrified of making friends, or reconnecting with old ones. there's this little voice that whispers inside my head, telling me that people are laughing at me when i'm not around, constantly looking down on me and secretly hating me or finding me insufferable but just not saying it. rationally, i know that isn't true. i know that most people are good, but i can't shake the fear that i'm going to be sucked into a toxic hell again. i'm really, really lonely. i'm lonely but i'm too afraid to change it, really.

i'm sorry this was so dark, i guess i've really been feeling that loneliness more than usual. i'm working on it, and my anxiety, i just know it's going to take a long time to grow away from it.

if someone's reading this who is in a similar situation to the one i was once in, just know that you're better than them. you deserve more than you're getting, even if you can't see otherwise. there are good people out there who would cherish your company. you deserve more love than you're receiving, you don't need to keep losers around to keep you company. don't do what i did.

with love,

emma. ♡

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[sylvemi]

unpunishable - ethel cain / georgia o'keeffe

[sylvemi]

Mary Oliver, from "Snowy Night"

[sylvemi]

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25/01/25 ♡ under the weather

entry below the cut

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tw: mentions of self harm, substance abuse, addiction

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hello ♡ it's been a minute since i've last written to you. i deal with this chronic sense of guilt whenever i let something fester. i've been meaning to write at least weekly- if not daily- yet i just can't seem to get myself to do it. i fall into these little funks pretty frequently, especially during the slow months when i don't have much going on. i go through pretty gnarly bouts of seasonal depression throughout the darker times of the year, i'm never quite able to adjust to losing the sun by 5pm.

it's been harder than usual this time around. even though i have things going on, i just cannot shake this all encompassing dread. i thought maybe starting a new job would keep me busy, or that getting closer to moving in with my boyfriend would give me that spark back, but i still find myself feeling blue everyday. i have all of these little reasons to be happy and i beat myself up over the fact that i'm not.

it could be worse though, right? i do try my best to find those little victories. i haven't relapsed! i grew to find comfort in getting high all the time, especially in my later years of high school and during my very late teens. whenever i couldn't handle my life or my head i would almost force myself into a dissociative state, numbing it out by getting as fucked up as i could to pretend i wasn't real. aside from a temporary stint with pills, i never strayed outside of marijuana, which i'm very happy about. my personality tends to be addictive but my fear of what i would become always stopped me from trying anything harder.

i haven't cut, either. that doesn't mean i haven't thought about it, though. i've caught myself staring off at my makeup bag during those really dark nights, knowing that's where i keep the razors i fix my eyebrows with. i've been clean for awhile now, but the urge still lingers and bubbles up from time to time. it became a coping mechanism for me around middle school. i always felt as though there was this constant pain i couldn't control; this mental turmoil, a constant friction gnawing at my head like a set of serrated teeth. my demons always bit hard, yet when i would hurt myself, they let go. it almost feel corny to write about it now, but sometimes they still get hungry.

i've found better ways to deal with it all, over time. i'm not sure if it just came with age and experience, or maybe the work i've put in started pulling off, but i've strayed far away from my addictions and found healthier ways to supplement whatever could be self destructive; most of the time, at least. no one is perfect, thus i never will be either.

writing is quite a comfort for me, i never would've been able to admit those things out loud yet sitting here and typing out my big feelings feels like a breeze. i've also learned to speak more about it all, which i used to find near impossible. i've found connections that are healthy for me; my friends are wonderful and warm, and my boyfriend is an angel. he's really shown me just how valuable i am as a person, the amount of love he gives me just for existing has completely re-written my code.

life hasn't been very easy lately, and a lot of the time i find the prospect of joy unfeasible, but i'm here. i told myself i would write to you before the week was over, and here i am, doing just that. no matter how bleak things can feel, even if it feels as though the good days weigh out the bad, there is always a light at the end of that tunnel. time is forever passing, and feelings are fleeting. i know i'll get my spark back, it just takes time to form a flame with flint and steel.

you are loved. with love,

emma ♡

crisis hotlines and resources available: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide

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[sylvemi]

Two headed calf, Laura Gilpin

[sylvemi]

Poorly drawn Ghastly line [redo]

[sylvemi]

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01/01/25 ♡ mini entries, 01

hello ♡ happy new year! along with an expansive list of little plans and resolutions for 2025, i've decided to start exploring my long, long backlog of unplayed games, as well as replaying some of my favourite games of my past to reignite my real passion for gaming. i've spent the last few years almost exclusively playing competitive games like league of legends, overwatch, and valorant; and although i do love these games for what they are, spending countless hours grinding away at ranks and losing my mind over my less competent teammates has honestly just made me tired. thus, embarking on this journey into my untouched singleplayers and my old favourites will hopefully be the adventure i needed to bring my passion back to life.

all of this being said, i've also decided to chronicle my quest with game reviews! although most of these will remain personal for my own self fulfillment, i thought i would share the first one i finished in my little diary today. i'll include it below the cut!

with that, thank you for giving me your time today, and i do hope the new year brings you so much joy.

with love,

emi ♡

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<3 pokemon sword <3

graphics: pretty but nothing spectacular. handhelds will never be mind-blowing in terms of graphics just due to their limitations and what they're made of, but the switch is a great improvement. a lot of the cities and locations, especially the slumbering weald and the more snowy cities were so pretty to look at. 7/10

gameplay: cute! it's practically impossible for me not to enjoy a pokemon game. i loved them as a kid and i love them now. 7/10

audio: i always love pokemon audio!! between the battle music and the little noises all the pokemon make, it'll never not be nostalgic for me. i particularly love the gym battle music and the music from the slumbering weald. 8/10

difficulty: embarrassingly enough, some of the battles in the endgame were sort of hard for me, but i never had to redo gym battles or any battles, really. easy overall, but pokemon isn't particularly challenging to begin with. 3/10

game time?: 45 hours platform?: nintendo switch price?: 80$CAD

my review: pokemon sword was a fun, nostalgic, cozy game for me. i've seen a lot of discourse online about the storyline in the game being weak, and i don't entirely disagree, but i don't really think it was bad enough to take away from the game at all. our rival, hop, was an energetic and cute character, and i found all of the gym leaders really interesting, nessa's design being my favourite overall. i was a bit surprised to see them do away with the elite four concept, but i found the champion cup a fun way to keep the "final boss" of pokemon interesting. much like pokemon x, my favourite game out of the pokemon instalments (controversial, i know), you can customize the hairstyle, clothes and makeup of your character. i'm not sure if you can do this in most of the newer games, as i'm only just now returning to the game franchise, but character customization will always be a fun bonus to any game for me. i also found the 'wild area' an incredible addition to the game. levelling your pokemon through nothing but grass encounters can be incredibly tedious and annoying, so having this vast and expansive area with a place for almost every level to comfortably fight helped make levelling new but low level catches/newly hatched pokemon from eggs a lot quicker and bareable.

overall, i really enjoyed pokemon sword. it reignited my love for pokemon and has inspired me to go back and play the rest of the titles i own on my ds/3ds. hopefully i'll be able to find copies or emulators of the ones i don't have !

OVERALL RATING: 7/10 ♡

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[sylvemi]

I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue. Rather, I want to portray a slightly different relationship, one where the two mutually inspire each other to live—if I’m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love.

Hayao Miyazaki on romance

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[sylvemi]

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31/12/24 ♡ reminiscent

entry below the cut

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i have this little box that i keep in the bottom shelf of my cabinet, it's grey with this cheap silver string glued to the lid in the shape of a bow. it was like, two dollars at the dollarama down the street from my old, moldy, run down apartment. i've dubbed it my memory box, i keep all the little trinkets and other random items that i've attached an amount of sentimental value to. i go through it every once in awhile, cleaning out whatever i no longer feel that emotional tie to anymore. sifting through everything always takes me down memory lane, much like it did a few days ago. a little vivienne westwood envelope filled with various receipts sat on top of the pile of my past. i went to england over march, which was my first time flying since i was around seven or something. my early childhood mainly consists of blips in time, vivid memories in sparce chronological order. needless to say, that trip was a lot to me. i met z, my best friend in person for the first time, as well as my partner at the time. i remember tearing up on the train back to my ex's apartment when we left wales, i didn't want my weekend with z to end. although my trip the the uk was the most daring thing i did all year, it feels bittersweet to look back on now.

my relationship with my ex ended in july, and although i've since healed and moved on, that breakup marked a very big shift in my life and how i operate. i was hesitant to enter that relationship from the start; he was my best friend of three years, and although i knew the feelings were very much there, my fear of what would happen if things didn't work out was also very much there. i don't regret our time together or the things we got up to, he wasn't bad to me and we did love each other, but i do heavily mourn the friendship we once had. to make a long and tumultuous story short, my trust in him was scorned during the breakup and our friendship was never quite able to bounce back from that. it's a sore feeling, prior to romance he was my person. i went to him for everything, could talk to him about anything and felt safe in his company. to him, if he's to ever stumble upon this, just know i don't hate you. i no longer resent you, but i do wish that we remained as what we were before lovers.

summer wasn't all sad, though. i met someone later down the line.

well, we knew each other already. c and i had been casual friends for years, having shared the same friend group and interacting through group chats and video games we all played together. after my previous relationship ended, him and i grew very close. i don't think i've gone a single day without spending time with him since august. he deserves an entry of his own, so i'll try to keep this brief.

we made it official in september, three days after my birthday and five days after he flew across the country to spend it with me. c has been a light in my life ever since. he's shown me such a large amount of love, comfort, respect, security, and so much more. i love this man with every piece of my soul, it physically hurts to restrain myself from making the rest of this diary entry about him. i'll finish my rambling with this;

c floods my memory box, now. i have countless boarding passes from going to see each other, a ring of arcade tickets from one of our many dates, these tiny little plastic blobfish from our trip to the ripley's aquarium in october, little pieces of blohsh shaped confetti from the billie eilish concert we attended, and so much more. he took over the rest of my year and frankly, i couldn't be happier.

finishing out the year, i experienced loss. my grandfather passed away early this november and it's been weird to process. my grandmother died when i was in middle school and i never quite learned how to grieve properly. i spent the end of this year feeling a little bit numb to it all, but going through the holidays without him was foreign. i remember the firsts without my grandmother being especially rough. i spent every christmas at her home, to this day it never quite feels right not having to go out to her house food in hand by noon on christmas day. losing my grandfather cemented that nostalgia for me, like that last piece of my childhood died out with him. i tried my best not to really think about it and just enjoy my holiday season, but i found myself thinking about it whenever i had time alone.

to end off this mouthful, i'm very hopeful for what's to come. i have so, so many big plans for 2025. the rest of my life is ahead of me, which feels very daunting, but i'm more excited than i ever have been to conquer everything it throws at me. thank you for your time, here's to the new year.

with love,

emma ♡

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[sylvemi]

𝑭𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒚 𝑬𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓.

By: Dmitry Khramtsov

[sylvemi]

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hello ♡ welcome to my cozy corner of the internet. i have an abundance of thoughts i feel the need to speak into the world, thus i've made this little blog to serve as my digital diary. this is my safe space, feel free to live along with me. or don't, it's up to you! i can't really anticipate the things i'll upload, but i do hope you find something worth reading.

with love,

emi ♡ find my socials below the cut!

@mimikyemi is my primary account!

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social links

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