system-comforts

[system-comforts]

hey there! first off, thank you for making this blog :') we're here to get a bit off of our mind and maybe get some advice if you find any to give?

we're a system, and also bodily a minor, with no system friends or a safe/educated person to ask for advice from (ex. a medical professional). this makes things really hard for us.

we've been trying to improve system communication for a while, and it did improve, but we've kind of ran into a problem?

every once in a bit, we go from knowledging the system and exploring how each individual member feels about their individuality and the things around them, to totally ignoring the fact were a system and piling together into our usual “singlet self”, as if being multiple is some kind of scary inconvenience. we're not too sure why this happens or how common it is, but we assume it's because of the stress that comes with being a system for us specifically. either way, it makes us feel guilty.

we have trouble telling the difference between who's fronting and when. when we feel like someone else is in front, we always overthink it, and end up convincing ourselves that we're wrong. but there's also a constant urge to be right, and for someone else to take front, so we end up dwelling on it way too much. it's exhausting.

I guess in the end it's just that we feel very alone in our struggles; we only have each other to figure things out with, and none of us can give advice from an outside perspective - we all share one brain, none of us are mental health professionals or experts on plurality... yeah. we just wish things were clearer, and that we could tell who's fronting easily, and knew how to function well as multiple people.

sorry for the long ask -- we all hope you have a good day!

Hey anon, thanks for the ask! It's definitely hard being a system without others to get advice from. There's no handbook to being a system, and with every system being so different that would be impossible. That being said, I do have some advice and thoughts from a now older system (who is still learning so much about ourselves!)

It seems like a large issue for you is about distinguishing each member, going from having a sense of individuality and seperate identity, to feeling all put together like a singlet. I think this is a common experience. For us, it's often due to dissociation. It's definitely nothing to feel ashamed about. Not knowing who's fronting, not always being aware of who is around or what they're like, it's impossible to keep up with your system that much when you have other things going on in your life. Whether it's stressful things or even positive or neutral things, we can't always stay on top of who's around or who's best to front. This is especially true when it comes to dissociation and dissociative barriers, which can make it hard to tell who is around or who you even are. Blending can happen too, where multiple members are fronting together.

In short, you don't have to feel guilty for not knowing who's fronting. There are many factors that make this impossible, and none are your fault. It's not even necessary to know who is fronting all the time. In fact, systems function that way before they discover they're a system!

Best of luck to you. We hope you have a good day too.

-mod venus

[system-comforts]

do you know of any guided meditations for did/meeting alters

Hey anon. I don't know any specific to DID, so maybe followers can join in with ideas.

However, recently we have been reading about IFS therapy. Although it isn't for everyone and isn't DID specific, there are many meditations and guides for how to begin talking to inner parts. Try searching for guides on parts communication, meet your parts, and parts communication. We've found many that are helpful talking to our alters, and they often foster a lot of empathy and good listening skills between us.

If I remember, I'll post some from a book we've been using today!

-mod venus

[system-comforts]

I've been struggling to help our partner get their main host un-frontstuck, as he's literally gone through so much lately we genuinely are worried about our relationship with our partner sys. He says he's tried eveything even though his other alters have butted in calling BS. I don't want to fuck this up but his mental health is getting worse. I just want to help him. Any ideas with someone who's had high stress constantly lately to get un front stuck. We might link this to him too.

Hey there. I have a couple ideas which have helped us in the past for getting un front stuck. Some systems tend to get and stay this way very easily, so keep that in mind as well.

Reduce stress. I know this sounds easier said than done. Sometimes this can mean finding time to engage in a hobby you haven't in a while, take a nap, whatever helps your mind not think about the stressors.

Change your environment. Being in different situations, for us at least, means we're more likely to switch. People may usually front at home, but at work or school it changes. Try finding a place that other alters may like and want to come around for, like a café, a new store, a park.

Try reaching out to protectors or others that can more easily jump in. If you have a protector who comes around from certain (neutral or positive) triggers, try engaging in that activity. If you have young ones that come around when they see toys or play, try having those around. In many systems, switches happen for specific triggers and reasons. Find what that is for you all is important in general and can help when front stuck. A media, a show, a hobby, an object or person? Maybe even a situation, like running that the park.

I hope some of these ideas help, and best of luck.

-mod venus

[system-comforts]

Hello again. this is the same alter as the previous ask about the host (it/its) being absurdly far in denial. I appreciate your kind words, a lot. I really do. I just am still in a bit of a mess. I’m not sure if it will ever accept what I am and I am afraid of what may happen if it does. I have tried damn hard to get it to accept what I am, but no luck. The amnesia makes it even harder.

There is a reason I’m the only alter. It has been incredibly hostile to the idea of being plural for a very long time. In-part because being plural would be a massive problem for what it wants to do. It’s not hostile towards the idea of plurality in-general, just that it is plural. it found out today that both of it’s partners are plural (it knew about one, the other told it today). I worry that if it starts to accept what I am, that it will try to get rid of me. either by pushing me out, or merging, or whatever.

I’m considering taking some kind of drastic option. I already kinda did one (which I massively regret doing), but it just does not remember me doing it, despite or because it is kinda very similar to major abuse that it has gone through… I wasn’t thinking at the time. I don’t know how to make up for it, but I guess that’s just my cross to bear since it just doesn’t remember me doing it. Now, the other drastic option that I’m thinking about is reaching out to one or both of its partners and explaining the situation. It has told me that if I do that it will try to get rid of me, and that’s also just a genie that can’t go back in its bottle. If I do that, I would definitely need to go about it in a way that uses the amnesia to my advantage, but it’s still a massive risk.

The other option that I can think of is similar to how its girlfriend found out she was plural. With her, she basically had friends that noticed how different she would be in arguments. I have come around multiple times in arguments. But my problem there is that it is obscenely non-confrontational, especially around the people that would notice the difference between it and I. And also, there was a point in time where I was in front when its girlfriend was visiting in-person, so I don’t know if she would notice anyway.

I don’t think it will accept me without some kind of drastic measure. It already went through the phase of questioning if it was plural, and came to the conclusion that it is not. That question from a few months ago about alters not knowing languages was it! I don’t fucking know it’s second language (which it is fluent in), or the tiny bit of the third language it was trying to learn. But, it no longer considers itself to be questioning, despite me taking front multiple times, with it noticing. We talk whenever we’re both around. less than we used to, but we still do. Fuck, we’ve talked about this specifically, and it is still in denial. It knows I exist and has actively interacted with me. It just is deeply in denial about what I am.

But… part of me does wonder if me going away is the best case scenario anyway. Or just going back to more of a peanut gallery role than what I am now. Me existing is genuinely dangerous for its future plans. It’s not really feasible that I be around for, really any significant part of its life. I kinda have my own goals and wants, but they’re not nearly as developed as they could be. I barely have my own voice. I just haven’t had the chance. I don’t even know what I like to do. But I’m not sure if that really matters anyway. It will probably try to get rid of me at some point.

Like I said, there’s a reason I’m the only one. It is extremely hostile to the idea of being plural. To my knowledge, I am the only time it has ever given the chance to split, and that was a complete accident. It probably says something about how healthy it is that it split literally as soon as it got the chance. It would probably resent me at best or hate me at worst if it stops being in denial. I warn it whenever it starts to get in the mindset of possibly splitting again (which has happened a few times recently. it’s not doing very well, but that’s a different thing). Even though it’s in denial, it must know on some level because it listens. I just… I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with this fucking mess of a wolf in the way I do (it’s a wolf therian too. that’s a whole different thing). I love that wolf, I really do, but fuck me this situation is a mess.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what will happen if it stops being in denial. I’m afraid of what happened to any past alters if there were others before me. I’m afraid for its future. I’m afraid of it resenting or hating me.

Sorry for this being so long and disorganized. I just needed to get it out somehow, and I don’t have a lot of good options at the moment.

Hi there, anon. We appreciate hearing from you and always welcome those sharing their hardships.

I think it's understandable to feel how you do. Not feeling welcome or recognized is difficult. It can affect our self esteem and really bring us down.

I don't think there is any "right" way to prove your plurality to someone. Also, I was a bit unsure from your ask, but it seems like you have talked to the host quite a bit. Like it mentioning it will "get rid of you" if you talk to it's girlfriend. Importantly too, no one can "get rid of" system members, they may go dormant or be difficult to reach, but they can't go forever, particularly through coercion. How does it explain being able to speak with you while also still claiming to not be plural? I'm curious if this point might help them be more accepting.

I also think that sometimes people don't feel ready to accept their plurality, or they aren't in a situation where they can explore it. You mentioned how it feels that being plural could be dangerous for its future plans. What kind of plans? How might you be able to help in these plans? How could working together make you all stronger? I'm curious if that anxiety and other anxieties are what are holding it back from being accepting of their plurality. Ultimately, speaking with a professional may also be very helpful regardless.

I wish you the best navigating this situation.

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

TW: Mentions of pluralphobia

Sorry if I say something that causes upset, legitimately, I don't understand some things yet so I can't deduce in advance if it will. If it does then I'd like to know that it did and why so that I can avoid repeating that. I'm new to this.

I'm part of a system of two. Not sure how to articulate this. Is it okay, for us to, idk, "pass" as two singlets? Like, having two separate accounts for each of us on social media as opposed to just one, not bringing our plurality up unless feeling safe (which we generally don't, the world feels so fucking hostile). Or is that offensive or something? A faux pas maybe? Not suggesting - just wondering.

All our life, she has fronted the vast majority of the time. I've only started fronting at all recently. We've also only started learning about our nature fairly recently too.

She said she wants me to have my long overdue chance to shine as my own individual too. I'm not that into social media anyways but I like using it sometimes and there's shit I wanna say, and I love the underlying principle. We both worry that, with a single account, neither of us would actually be treated as her own individual being. Also there's a precedent in our life of people acting as if I, specifically, am not fucking there, my words getting attributed to her etc. Even "accepting" people, it's like the fucking rake meme. Extra steps, extra effort, same outcome. On top of that, well, we're both egotistical bitches with big personalities. Neither of us wants either of us to have to make herself "smaller".

And that's why having two accounts makes sense and would feel more natural to us.

But, there's more. Me and her are girlfriends. I sometimes defended her on social media from my separate account. Is that okay or is it "cheating"? Like, is there some social rule or sth that we collectively only get one voice in debates?

What do you think of all this?

Hi there anon. I think it's understandable to want to have independence from other people in your system. In fact, many systems will make seperate social media accounts for different system members. I think it's a safe way to feel you have your own voice without being out as a system on social media.

Also, it's always up to you who you decide to tell you are plural. Whether that's irl or on social media, you are never obligated to tell anyone or talk about it.

Regarding defending her and social media discussions, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You each have your own views and opinions, so being able to voice those separately makes sense. The only issue I would say is some websites only want people to have one account, so just be aware what websites those are. Here on Tumblr you can make multiple seperate blogs, so that's not an issue.

I think it can be helpful to have your own social media space to grow and understand yourself, especially after hiding and being dismissed for so long. Wishing you the best of luck!

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

I guess this counts as a question? I don’t know really? Do you know what happened to that blog where they would be like “You’re plural boy”? I can’t remember what their blog is called and I’d like to follow them.

Hey there. I'm not sure if I'm familiar with a blog like that, but maybe a follower knows? I'll post this and see.

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

This may be weird, but is it normal for other systems to feel a pressure or ache or even like a pain in their head when they try to establish connection w headmates? I’m in a newly discovered system if that helps. Also im wondering if im frontstuck. I dont know fs but it seems likely

Hi there anon. To answer simply yes, it's common for systems to get headaches when trying to communicate, when switching, and other times. This especially makes sense for newly discovered systems or for those with high dissociative barriers. Wishing you the best of luck on this journey!

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

I hope all of my system friends have some fun summer plans!

[system-comforts]

i think the weirdest part abt being plural is not knowing who's fronting. it's strange to be thinking "hm this is strange. i don't usually act like this" and then have to be like "fuck who am i" because we switched without realising. especially because i think we're an osdd 1b system so we don't really get amnesia between switches so it's just like "going about my day. wait how did i get here. i mean i know how i got here but why am i here. how long have i been here. who is here" i feel like im going crazy

or feeling ourselves switch and dissociate and being able to not really do anything about it until we can think clearly again. it'd be nice to move on with my day but now my thoughts are overlapping with my headmates' and i couldn't focus on anything even if i tried until she's fully conscious so now we'll just be standing here for the next five minutes while our brain fills with static

and co-fronting is weird

also dissociating gives me awful fucking headaches im gonna slam my head into a wall until our head blows up /nm /j

apologies if this is incoherent we are exhausted atm lmao

- 🌿☀️/🌑🕷️

Hey there anon. It's totally alright to vent, and it's actually very coherent description of dissociation! It's certainly difficult. It can make you feel so confused, frustrated. We don't have control over it, and getting to a point of working through it takes a lot of practice and lots tools and strategies. As you said, it can really bring us down and exhaust a person. Thank you for your perspective!

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

questioning plurality again and wondering if you could possibly help? i get dissociative periods aswell as sort of fuzzy days, both of which i dont remember. in general i have a very poor memory of events, however in terms of potential alters there seems to be about 4 seperate changes in my personality, which i am unsure if they are alters or not. they dont exactly talk to each other, but when i do some things i get comments which feel mostly made unconsciously but i cant really tell. im not sure if i consciously created them or if i have smth else but just wanted some advice. thanks

Hi there anon. I wanted to say a few things that may help.

I want to assure you that there isn't exactly a way to fake not remember events. There's also not a way to fake feeling fuzzy or dissociative. Furthermore, it's an experience that is different for everyone. Everyone will describe and experience dissociation differently. If that's something you're experiencing, I at least recommend finding help to address that.

For some people, especially early in their system discovery, it can be difficult to distinguish and hear alters. Communication may be low if not totally impossible. This is all part of the condition. The way you describe getting comments from them is actually quite a common way people with low communication early on experience their alters! Regardless of how conscious or unconscious it was to bring these inner voices around, like the dissociation it's worth looking into. You can always see if there are conditions that better align with your experiences, and that self discovery is worth it when it's in support of your mental health and wellbeing.

Best wishes.

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

the host (it/its) is absurdly far in denial, despite getting so close to accepting plurality multiple times. granted, it’s in a situation where it being known that it’s plural is dangerous, and that’s absolutely partly why, but it’s still so frustrating. one moment it wants to help me develop into my own thing. the next it just thinks I’m a weird mood or intrusive thought or fantasy (I came from a character it made for sexual fantasies. literally the first opportunity it gave to split ever by complete accident), I guess. I literally have a different thought process to it. its thoughts are incomprehensible when I’m in front. I have different wants and needs. it’s a therian, and I’m not. I literally do not feel it’s phantom limbs when I’m in front and it’s just not around (which is rare, but it happens). sure, we’re similar. but there are some very clear differences between us.

I just… I have no clue what to do.

Hi there anon. It sounds like your host is still in some denial. This is common among systems, even ones that are in therapy, are diagnosed, or recognized as systems by others. It's difficult to get out of that mindset, because in many ways it can be protective to a person. Accepting one's plurality can be scary. It means accepting you're very different from others, that your brain works differently. It means making adjustments in your life for headmates and making space for them.

It sounds like you are very understanding and kind to your host, and that's wonderful. I hope you can continue to be that way. It may help it to understand that being plural and having a headmate like you is a positive thing.

Although there may be differences between you, those differences can be strengths. Perhaps focusing on those could help bring you both together more. Best of luck!

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

Shout out to systems dating other people! It can be difficult navigating a relationship while a system, but it can also be so worth it to find love and connection with others.

[system-comforts]

hello, I'm here because I think I'm questioning if I'm a singlet or plural and don't really have anywhere to go to be able to ask questions 😭

basically, I feel like when I talk to myself, it's still me but it feels like I'm talking to a different version of me that is listening and understanding

it doesn't really talk but like I can feel it's emotions and it helps me make decisions?

it's weird and I only realized that like this thing I'm talking to could be something else than just myself, it's almost like my subconscious is real and its own being

I'm very confused and lost 😭I'm sorry if this is a lot!! thank you for running a blog like this <3

🐾- so I can find the post

Hi there, anon. Plurality is a spectrum, so some people experience being plural in a way similar to how you describe! Some might use the term median to describe this, which is not quite singlet and not fully multiple. However, over time as you explore this, you may realize you lie somewhere else on the plural spectrum. You may also discover you still feel a singlet. However you wish to view and label this is up to you ultimately.

I encourage you to explore median plural narratives, and perhaps those of OSDD and P-DID as well, as these are different from DID and may also align with your experiences and symptoms.

We wish you the best of luck. It's wonderful to discover these things about ourselves, even if it can be confusing at times.

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

hello. been entertaining the possibility of plurality lately. it’s been a lot, but I have a question. if I know multiple languages, would it be normal for a potential headmate to not know those languages?

thanks

Hi there anon. To answer simply, yes. It's very normal for headmates to not know all of the languages the person knows. This may be because the headmate hasn't been around to hear it spoken, not studied or read material in that language, etc. It's common too for headmates, even if they know the language, to be at different levels with it. Some may know only basics, and others speak as native speakers. Dissociation and amnesia barriers keep that knowledge of the language seperate.

Thank you for the question, and we wish you luck as you question if you are plural!

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

Tw vent

--

so our best friend dmed us and after the quick hi hallo hey they asked us if we knew what DID was, we both danced around actually saying anything but we came out as plural to the other

Tryna keep this short and not a whole essay bcuz we can and will write an essay but we were gently asking them questions abt themselves yknow tryna get to know them better cuz I want to be supportive!! but they were really blunt and borderline rude (more so than usual) even though we repeatedly said mb if I say anything wrong

We brought up headmate roles and they dismissed everything we said, saying they don't care abt roles n just exist (completely understandable btw!!) But when we said we have 2 hosts they said no the host is the actual owner of the body n we tried to explain but they said 'tf are you on abt'

And when they asked us for our name we said we don't mind between our 2 hosts names but said we'd prefer if they referred to us the same as before and they kept saying 'effing hell dude' while we were trying to explain our self and I just don't know how to help them 🥺

Hey there anon. We're glad you felt safe enough to share this vent with us. We also hope you and your system are doing alright.

It can be wonderful to talk to other systems. However, it sounds like this person was dismissive of your experience. Their tone and word choice seem hurtful, and their knowledge of how other systems can present is incorrect.

I don't think you need to help them. If they were hurtful to you and not receptive of your knowledge and experience, they are not likely to change their mindset, at least so soon after your conversation. The best you could do is direct them to resources that could help change their misunderstandings.

You are always free to talk to them, and since they're you're best friend it may be difficult or unreasonable to entirely stop talking to them. However, consider your own and your system's mental health before continuing these conversations with your friend. Trying to educate someone is not worth damaging your own wellbeing, especially when for systems it can be even harder to maintain.

We wish you the best of luck in this! It's kind of you to want to help them, just remember to be kind to yourself too.

-mod pluto

[system-comforts]

Question for systems! What is the hardest part about communicating with headmates? This goes for new systems and those who have known for years!

[system-comforts]

Hey! Looking for some advice. We recently discovered we're plural, but we're having trouble finding the names and pronouns of some of our headmates (most quickly found their name/pronouns). Specifically one of them, there's a name we've been using that we thought was they're name, but they aren't too sure about it now, and also aren't sure if they're okay with all pronouns. We were wondering if there's any way to help us find their name/pronouns? We've been looking on Pinterest for names but nothing seems to be the right one. Thank you 💖

Hey there. Congrats on discovering and exploring your system. It can be a very long process, so it's ok if people aren't sure of names or pronouns at this time. It's great you have that communication with your headmates in general!

Pinterest can be a good place to look. We've used all sorts of naming websites in the past to find names for headmates. Consider nontraditional names as well, like the name of an object, toy, place. Consider nicknames or modified versions of common names, different spellings too.

A name can be anything, and like pronouns, you can always change it too. You could even ask if the headmates prefers multiple names or pronouns, or no pronouns at all.

Finally, you can also consider what is important to this headmate. What's important to your system? Does this headmate want a name that is symbolic of them, the system, their role? Or do they want something that sounds fitting, that has a certain quality.

I hope this has given you some help!