system-startup

[system-startup]

[system-startup]

havem probler?

[system-startup]

HE'S A GUY??

We've been struggling to figure out how to handle a lot of things. Ideologically speaking, we understand that what we need is perspective adjustments. And logically speaking, we understand what those adjustments could be, but actually performing it successfully is a whole journey.

Anyway our system's latest thing is manifesting a conscious profile called The Wizard in order to handle all problems, evidently.

[system-startup]

One of the pitfalls I've been struggling with over the last three years while focusing on recovering from ADHD burnout is trying to find stimuli that are enriching and not just distracting because distracting stimuli might feel like it's keeping me from being bored, but really it's just keeping me numb enough so I don't have to process being bored or any of my emotions.

And that's not great when you're trying to heal trauma.

The problem is, I'm not finding a lot of things enriching at the moment. A lot of the things I've been relying on to keep my brain quiet since 2020 now feel overstimulating and are actively making me agitated rather than numb. Which I suppose is progress? It means I'm processing things and actually aware of them again instead of perceiving everything as background static.

It's just an odd predicament to be in. I don't think I've been this 'aware' of my own brain in a long time and on the one hand, cool. Great. Probably a good thing. On the other, aaaaah. Why is it so noisy in here?

[system-startup]

Money in my pocket does not a save inherently make...for the misery bound compells me to spend more, miserably, and clean up the mess.

[system-startup]

IF THE ROUTINE NO LONGER SERVES, YOU MUST ALTER THE PATTERN, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? YOUR LIFE STARTS WITH YOU

[system-startup]

I just want to relieve the pressure, I can't afford to live.

[system-startup]

Excavating old information on yourself buried, lost you forgot who you are but you aren't one you're many so you forgot who you are again, and again—but you left evidence on purpose despite too burning much of it to the ground and in the process of restoration you can build it back up again, new, the old information offering a place to begin and a direction to walk once you've held it in your hand a minute, you'll see it.

[system-startup]

It's astounding how much suffering and stalling occurs from a pure lack of control over your life. Even if the fundamental needs are otherwise ultimately met, the consequences of the absence of autonomy severely limits how much good it can really do. It makes being alive...inefficient. Because by forcing multiple bodies on a schedule, depending on how it's done, more than one is not optimized, and the presence of other human beings doesn't even make up for it because there remains an insufficient lack of the tendency to help and build one-another up.

Sure, I have plenty of food. I'm not literally starving. However almost all of it has to be cooked (this takes time, and I physically cannot preform the task), or it isn't mine (eat any/too much and people will get upset), or it's something that I've been depending on to survive too much (so my brain is beginning to struggle to choke it down despite it's microwaveable factor being a huge convenience).

Even if I try to course-correct by asking for food sooner, well. I have to basically demand it, and even then it just won't work out. Aside from feeling selfish and horrible in general (preventing me from being too bad about it to begin with), I have to filter through someonelse. Do THEY want to eat this? Do THEY want to do this? And most of all, RIGHT NOW?

And then the insistence on doing things together; if, beyond my control, I'd gone just about the length of time it takes for me to start breaking down due to the lack of food in my system (and my disabilities make that so that it can take as little as 6-to-4 hours, sometimes as bad as 2 depending on the day), I am regularly made to wait an extra 1-4 hours for the dinner someonelse planned.

This results in approximately half my day being thrown away because it took too long to eat. For a decent amount of the duration of my wait, and afterwards--eating, digestion, these take longer to supply me with brain activity especially the longer I waited to eat.

If the same thing happens with breakfast (and chef my beloved is a night owl while I'm an early bird so this is a frequent issue) my whole day is easily shot by this. And there is almost nothing I can do to protect myself from losing the whole day because of a bad start. If I don't eat breakfast before 10am, I am going to lose at least a few hours of my day. This is consistent. I can't change my sleeping schedule because against all odds my body will simply become horrendously sleep deprived because it insists on waking up in the wee hours of the morning no matter what.

To be able to type this up at all is indicative of a lot of recent successes; the chances that a single delay will completely fuck up our shit are low because we've been on top of it like nothing else lately. But this is exhausting to maintain and if too many hiccups happen down the road we know in our heart and our charts that we will fucking crash again.

So I've been working on my analysi, but there are so many it makes it incredibly difficult to focus on one long enough to complete a thought and put it somewhere that it can easily be found again.

[system-startup]

Mapping what's going on...the answer is a lot. Creating this made me realise that the surgery has been super effective on me. I barely remember it. There will be more.

[system-startup]

Someone online said we (people in general) should only try to heal as fast as the slowest parts of our nervous system. And my system responded with non-total disagreement. They said, "We don't try to move as fast as the fastest of our system--that's ridiculous, and impossible. We don't even try to go for the mid-way speed, that's still a bit much. But the slowest? I don't think we could do that, I think that we would die."

Our partner responded something to the effect of, "You can't even get the slowest parts of your system to stay here. You can't even get them to say hello."

It's not that they don't want to say hello, it's that their incapable for the time being; they're quite literally out of order. The severity of this discrepancy is the entire issue. When we made a major milestone in re-programming ourself, another dimension was added to headspace. And with this new dimension of headspace, the old format of alters could not continue to be used. We had to know why someone existed, or they could not be identified in a meaningful way.

We became too aware of what makes an alter, and that made us stumble when we made attempts to summon them. We needed to understand not just who but what they were. We couldn't just trust them to respond to their name; they had to embody the name so totally that they couldn't miss the forget that they were alive anymore, that they couldn't find themselves dead asleep and unresponsive because they don't know when to talk.

Such fundamental things can be so convoluted in the failure to nurture them but it's no matter.

We will continue to find ways to nurture it ourself.

[system-startup]

"Your temptation to get distracted enough to comment on the fact that you're making progress is a sign that you need a break."

🥴 I thought this was the break

I'm actually finally capable of focusing on cleaning my system's information?? I can't focus or pay mind to anything else but I can actually work on fixing my stupid head. Thank god.

Right back at it. Just had to reel for a second because of how much we've done the past two days.

We jsut get so caught up in believing that we might've slipped in to "laziness" but as soon as it's possible, we're doing it before we even realise.

[system-startup]

I'm actually finally capable of focusing on cleaning my system's information?? I can't focus or pay mind to anything else but I can actually work on fixing my stupid head. Thank god.

Right back at it. Just had to reel for a second because of how much we've done the past two days.

We jsut get so caught up in believing that we might've slipped in to "laziness" but as soon as it's possible, we're doing it before we even realise.

[system-startup]

Dear god we are ripping each other apart. Several people want front simultaneously. Our head is so full of three different streams of complex thoughts but we only have one set of eyes and hands to work with and overwhelming the body is--ohh I get it. This is the stick and the fence he was talking about. Son of a bitch.

[system-startup]

“...if you cannot speak at all, you will not speak well. Worry about step one when you’ve lost your grip.”

CNS.J : Reconstruction.

[system-startup]

we (us specifically) need a new phrase for dormancy. to replace dormancy. like to update for the changes to our understanding. this keeps happening with functions they like change completely with understanding. our executive was working on that but our heads still too scattered every detail of adjusting our function has been slow and kaleidoscopic people take one step for the team before clocking out and then it's someonelses job to make sense of it all.

anyway.

ts because dormancy was a term from a bygone era when we didn't and couldn't understand why an alter was gone.

But now we've broken it down to a science, meaning we can make dummy lil map-lists and when the task-journey is completed we can expect to actually see the alters AROUND and NOT BEING KNOCKED OUT BY A GUST OF WIND.

Naturally that doesn't actually make it that much easier like we've been trying to repair [IMPORTANT GUY] for a long time and after rendering our engineering map things better it still taking months of figuring shit out but in the meantime these bitches still show up in blips. They show up eepy. and such.

I can't actually think of how to put it besides to slap an OUT OF ORDER sign on them like they're vending machines. that dispense friendship wisdom and capability

[system-startup]

That said, I'm scratching and clawing and biting and writhing because I hate being weak and idk how to let myself be weak and idk how to be weak I can only be competent and strong and maintain this without any rest because that's totally realistic and surely I'm different.

(I'm not different.)

That phase that you're in, and don't want to be?

It passes faster if you let yourself be in it and learn your lessons and process the edges than if you stay in denial and spend all of your energy and attention trying to escape it sooner than possible.