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what if he was just a normal guy

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whatever happened to hugo nation

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casual dan's life

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got blindsided by how much i ended up liking this guy

+ "speedpaint" ....

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yes, to err is human, so don't be one

(the gooner game got me ☹️)

+ the crustiest speedpaint ive ever had like hello why is it in 144p

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i dare somebody to figure out my type

collected miscellanys:

+my last attempt from 2022

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i miss my wife, tails

timelapse v

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jing sketch from a year ago

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umm... hand in marriage?

speedpaint under readmore (cw to all digital artists out there)

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I had a dream I was given a tiny, helpless little creature. It was black and soft and not quite a cat but not quite anything else either.

I was told it was going to die so nobody else wanted to feel the pain of caring for it, but when I held it I was filled with love and the need to protect it.

I knew it was going to die soon, so I just held it close and walked as far as I could, showing it every beautiful thing I could find as I waited for the inevitable

I found myself starting to wonder if it really would die. It seemed to be just the slightest bit stronger, the further we went. It had become curious of its surroundings and would raise its head to look around, eyes full of wonder. When it settled back into my arms it had the look of contentment rather than exhaustion.

I thought, maybe if I keep showing it new things, if I keep loving it, perhaps it will survive.

And then I woke up.

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oooooh i love vagueposting about myself via memes

i’m indecisive… but i did this :3

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hsr 2.3 rant (disguised as yet another sunday rant) ...... i didn't expect to make one for each penacony update but here we go again

(634 words - my shortest one yet!)

so, on one hand... it could've ended worse. we've regained 70 (or 65?) % of penacony's freedom. huzzah!

still feeling highly iffy about the ipc's involvement but because it was expected i'll let it slide. for now.

the ending was definitely rushed, it definitely had a "we don't concretely know how we want to wrap up this story so we'll just wing it" feel to it, but again... alright. whatever. could've been more robust but i'll also let that slide. the hoyo devs were probably waiting for a throwaway update to focus on other things anyway.

but, content wise, i am absolutely terrified of the implication of Robin reaching out to Jade for help with her brother.

we were shown the whole Bonajade exchange shtick when playing as Firefly (also not Jade deadnaming her but ok). initially i took it as Mainly filler content, with an opportunity to show us a bit more about Firefly. cool, yeah, makes sense. but it did also focus on How the exchange worked, and specifically made mention of what people have/had to pay for their exchanges with Jade. now, again, i thought that was just filler content.

but now that i think back to it, Robin's whole demeanour during the quest (maybe i was just seeing things but she seemed significantly more down/tired than before (due to very obvious reasons. i wonder how she's still standing)), Jade meeting Robin before her second negotiations with Alfalfa, and then the Bonajade exchange getting explained to us randomly... that was most likely foreshadowing for the last scene of 2.3.

which brings me back to, again, feeling Unwell over what Robin could've possibly agreed to with Jade concerning the freedom/future of her brother. (also if he's gonna join the ipc - Wholeheartedly fuck him. my beef with them is stronger than my love/hate towards Sunday.)

i don't even Want to begin thinking about what Robin might've exchanged for Jade's sudden interest in Sunday. and it also all seems very unfair - the lengths Robin would go to for her brother when he on the other hand was fine with outright using her to accomplish his goals (again, without even filling her in on What those goals were. i don't care if it was for his concept of the greater good, i am still pissed at him for completely disregarding her opinions on the matter and the Entirety Of Her Free Will As A Person. unironically my blood pressure spiked when i saw him in that last scene, and it certainly wasn't because i was excited. even writing this down gets my blood boiling.).

point is. if Sunday chooses to forsake Robin's love for him again (not him also being surprised that Robin was the reason why Jade reached out to him - like she literally hugged you and fell from the sky with you after your plans failed. don't act surprised that she's not mad at you. (and if the reason why you're surprised is because you don't trust Jade's intentions with her, then SHOW IT DAMN IT. STAND UP FOR HER)) i am going to be Supremely disappointed in him.

and yes, i know he's a fictional character.

but holy shit. i've never seen such an infuriatingly (and, sadly, realistically) stubborn character before.

and, like in my last rant - the sentiment that 'i would personally strangle him if it wasn't for Robin being sad over his death' remains.

anyway. Robin really needs a break. a long break. and to somehow find a good and reliable support system because her brother is not very reliable on that front.

...if i were to express my opinion on the matter.

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dexter's lab is just house md for kids

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number one sunday fan And hater (also can you tell i don't really like the ipc)

Sometimes the bird app gives you cool templates to steal actually.

(Blank version under the cut!)

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penacony was wild

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i had a dream that ena denounced sunday

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sunday rant and personal frustrations with him that i begun to write at 6am running on an entire 3 and a half hours of sleep (my cats woke me up.....)

(tldr at the end. i might be as bad as Sunday in terms of yap mileage (yappage) but i'll do one better than him and provide you with the concise version if you scroll all the way down.)

i have never felt such intense emotions about a character's moral viewpoint... Ever. and i've liked characters that were mass murderers before. morals (or lack thereof) usually never played a significant role in whether i liked a character or not (unless they did something i considered worse than plain ol murder, then i wouldn't associate with them), and 99% of the time i could find the character's motivations understandable under the circumstances that they were in.

and, technically, i can understand where Sunday is coming from too.

but that doesn't stop me from being Absolutely pissed at him.

(sunday-esque yap about myself incoming, i will eventually get to the point (which i will highlight))

as someone who has been told that i have "ocd features" Multiple times by my psychiatrist (practically each session) i understand the need for control. my obsessiveness manifests in the form of feeling the need to control practically everything - my current obsession for control being my own emotions, which extends to needing to control entire situations, and in turn makes me severely overthink all the possible outcomes to those given situations. i've also been guilty of controlling others before, and having the mentality of "i know what's best for you". hell, i still feel like that a lot, but i really try to push it back.

and this need for "control" is mainly the reason why i even find comfort in fiction. because it's oftentimes very predictable to me (it also made me think of how i do not find any interest in reading books, but i love writing stories of my own. particularly fan-fiction. and the only time i can feel comfortable enough to feel romance is towards fictional characters - because i control the narrative! it's something to think about.). if i like a character or a narrative, it's easy for me to pick apart where the writers will go with that story. and, even if the story turns out to disappoint me/be different than what i hoped for, i would still be Prepared for that possibility.

i somehow... failed to prepare for what would happen with Sunday.

i had set my sights on the wrong thing for 2.2. i invested my whole energy on trying to comfort myself that hoyo wouldn't take the ipc colonialism route (basically turning out to be capitalist/colonialist apologists) with penacony (which i Guess will be explored in 2.3? but now that i have some more context on the story and how it's unraveling i'm not as anxious about it anymore), that i overlooked a lot of other things that could've gone wrong.

namely, my favourite hsr character to be... Like that. (i'm not even being intentionally vague. i'm just dumbfounded)

i had Heard of the theory that Sunday is possessed by Ena (which didn't particularly make sense to me, and i refused to look at leaks concerning Sunday lest they upset me. either way i Really hated that theory. plus, Sunday being said to have ocd would've been an incredibly cheap way to foreshadow that he's "possessed" by the Order. you can't just create your first(?) important/playable character that has a confirmed mental illness and then go "it's okay actually he's Normal! he was just possessed". i took this very personally. and still am.), and saw a lot of theories concerning his involvement with the Order as well. i shut it all out, because i didn't like the implications of that.

which in turn made me Not think/comfort myself regarding the possibilities that he truly Was connected to the Order.

...

well, rest in pieces, me - it's always the things i don't pay much attention to/ignore/fail to think about. which is actually a bit strange because i was not expecting him to be an entirely sane person from the start - he was a politician type, a leader, and a manipulator, to name a few things. that much was obvious. in 2.0-2.1 i wouldn't have been surprised if it turned out that he was the one that "killed" Robin. again, nothing was out of the question. but, 2.1 showed a different side of him. one that cared for his sister and (seemingly) listened to her and cared about what she thought. so they became quite a comforting little sibling duo to me. tragic, yet you could depend on their mutual trust in eachother... or so i thought.

and then he... went and did all That. which just showed me how, despite him caring for his sister, he was still putting other things above her.

to conclude with my yap: in a sense, he is just my "grim reflection of the self". and although i feel sympathetic towards my past self and how naive and selfish i used to be, there are some flaws of mine i will never forgive myself for. and, Sunday, in a way, reminded me of... Everything. it was almost triggering.

(hey, writing this all down in one place helped me calm down! (it's a neverending cycle that will continue tomorrow. all it will take is seeing a post concerning him and his sister and i'll get pissed anew) yay!)

the point(s) (aka my qualms):

- how sunday manipulated robin + was planning to use her in the charmony festival to complete his plan. she was going to be an unwilling participant in creating a "utopia" that she would've been absolutely against, but he didn't stop to fucking. fill her in, maybe? talk it out? the sheer disrespect on the concept of free will and on the fact that your own sister is a human being of her own sickens me

- he should've cherished the relationship he had with her (x1000 because that's the ONE FAMILY MEMBER YOU HAD LEFT AND THAT IS SUCH A PRIVILEGE!!! IMAGINE HAVING SOMEONE CARE ABOUT YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY AND THEN YOU GO AND THROW IT AWAY!!! YEAH I'VE ALMOST DONE THE SAME EXACT THING MULTIPLE TIMES (AND STILL WOULD) BUT THAT'S WHY I ALSO KNOW HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE MOVE IT IS!!!)

- he forsook his own self and shoved down his own biases and interests (fucking rat. you can't change the fact you're human and i'm very much saying that from experience) to become something Grander than life itself and in fucking turn isolated himself and shut out the one person who actually cared and then had the Gall to complain about being misunderstood/alone. (when you're finally sitting in your unreachable throne in this "dream" that you've created, who will you blame for being lonely? who will you blame when you have no one to fall back into? no one to support you? when everybody you did this for forsakes You?)

- HE DIDN'T EVEN HUG ROBIN BACK AT THE LAST SCENE. LIKE SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FAILED PLANS AND COME DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS A LITTLE - THE JOY YOU SEEK FOR IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

- all i hoped for was that sunday and robin would reunite and get the chance to be happy together, and the only true reason i'm mad is because i'm guilty of a lot of the same self sacrificial behaviours as him and very much understand the sentiment of "my loved ones would be better off without my negative presence and influence". but instead of empathizing with him, i feel betrayed. i thought he was better than me. i thought he was someone worthy of admiration, and that doesn't come easily from me. despite all the warning signs i fell for his obvious facade, and i Very rarely get taken by surprise - especially in a way like this.

- if it wasn't for the fact that Robin would feel sad if Sunday died i would personally go and strangle him myself

tldr; i'm just a big baby that placed a lot of faith on Sunday and his relationship with Robin post 2.1 and my ego took a Huge hit once he turned out to be just some immature emo idealist type. (come on, man - i genuinely thought you were better than me! someone worthy of respect! and i usually have a feeling of superiority over others! this was the biggest compliment/act of faith i could give! (talking to a wall (fictional character (I'M FUCKING UPSET))))