#& ( kim yongjoo | threads. )

[luvdive]

yongjoo is painfully aware of the fact that berry's been staring at him all night. he's gotten better with people looking at him over the last couple of years. getting clean, rejoining his members, making it into starrise. each little step had meant more attention on him again, and each one had taken time for him to adjust. the shows he's performed with starrise would have made him throw up when he was still using. and yet, for some reason berry's stare has him on edge. has that familiar tightness settling in his chest, his hands tingling, and his skin feeling clammy. he hasn't had one of these in a while, not since his first performance with starrise, and he has to remind himself of what his therapist said -- don't fight it, let it happen. he's quick to excuse himself, intending on having his panic attack in private and coming back with an excuse to go to rowoon's place. he's in the middle of trying to get his breathing back under control when he hears the door open behind him, and he feels sick all over again when he glances over his shoulder and sees berry. ❝ sorry, i'm just in the middle of something. i'll be back in a sec, so you should go back in, 'kay? ❞

@formorethananame ♡'d for a starter

[luvdivearch]

               bounding up to rowoon, yongjoo is practically bouncing with excited, nervous energy. it’s been a few months since he and rowoon officially became boyfriends, and around a month since changho decided he was clean enough to move back into the dorms with the rest of the group. ❝ hyung, guess what, ❞ he beams, already struggling to keep his news to himself.

@wcvensouls​​

[luvdivearch]

               yongjoo isn’t performing tonight, he’s here to support lucky charm’s newest girl group ( and remind himself what it feels like being backstage at a music show ). it’s pure coincidence that rowoon is promoting at the same time as them, so naturally yongjoo had gone wandering off to try and find him. his intention had been to just say hello and cheer him on before the show, but then they’d gone sneaking off together. which is how they ended up in some empty storage closet, yongjoo’s back pressed against the door as he does his best to not ruin rowoon’s makeup with kisses...

@wcvensouls​

[luvdive]

he's quiet as he listens to berry speak. she has no reason to lie to him, especially not about something as out there as this. he doesn't feel very strong, though. it had only taken one stalker to break him, and it had taken two years for him to get clean and stay clean. that isn't very strong, is it? ❝ sungmin really didn't tell you anything? ❞ he asks, voice ripe with uncertainty. he wants to believe her, really he does. he just needs to be certain first.

It's clear on Yongjoo's face that he doesn't believe her, but Berry isn't deterred by that. In fact, she anticipated it happening. Still, a part of her heart breaks. This isn't something Berry has ever told anyone about, and being met with the immediate suspicion, while expected, still hurts. Berry sighs softly. "Orange is associated with warmth," she explains quietly. "It means that you're energetic and charismatic, and signifies that your spirit is strong." Berry forces herself to meet Yongjoo's eyes. "Which is true, since... Since you're still here."

[luvdive]

it's so, so hard to believe her. because all this talk about auras sounds like crazy talk. sounds like something she'd say if she's spent too much time around shamans and scam artists. but the scars on her stomach don't look like the remnants of anything medical, and yongjoo can't think what else could have caused them. he's sure she must have seen his own, even if sungmin hasn't told her about his old addiction or his overdose. he keeps his arms covered as much as he can when he's on stage or in public, but in the safety of his own home, he often leaves them exposed. they're his own fault. he hadn't known what he was doing, not really, and so he'd made a mess of his arms in the short time that he was using ( and had only found out in rehab that he should have been doing it between his toes this whole time if he didn't want to get caught ). ❝ what does orange mean...? ❞ he asks hesitantly, even if he still doesn't entirely believe her.

Of course Yongjoo's mind goes there first, but Berry knows that Sungmin would never betray him like that. He's far too loyal to this group for his own good. Berry shakes her head. "He didn't," she insists softly, twisting her fingers together. Anxiety spikes through her; she doesn't want to cause trouble, but here she is, potentially about to cause a bad rift. "Sungmin hasn't said a word about - whatever happened to you. I don't know what happened, I really don't. I just know that something happened because you carry the same muddled aura that I do."

Berry hesitates for a moment, then tugs her shirt up. She's been pretty good at avoiding scars, but there are two large, deep indents right above the waistline of her pants. It's the only obvious proof that she has to back up her claims. "I almost died," Berry insists, meeting Yongjoo's eyes with uncharacteristic uncertainty. "I - I've been able to sense death ever since then, so that's how I know. Sungmin has an aura of yellow and orange, and you have orange, too, but it's - it's muddled because you almost died."

[luvdive]

he bristles at the comment. yongjoo doesn't like talking about his overdose. doesn't like being reminded of the person he was then. doesn't like having to repeat himself that it wasn't a suicide attempt. doesn't like that no one believes him. ❝ did sungmin tell you? ❞ he asks quietly. that's the only way that she could know. it's only his members, the hospital staff, and changho and doha that know about it. he knows jiho wouldn't have told her, because jiho doesn't like to talk about it either. nor does he think cam or mingun would air his dirty laundry like that. which only leaves sungmin. sungmin, who he's supposed to be able to trust. hot, angry tears prickle the corners of his eyes, but he tries his best to blink them away. ❝ he knows i don't like people knowing about it. why would he tell you that...? ❞ he queries, the rest of her words lost on him for now.

"I died, too."

She can't help it, it comes out of her before she can control herself. Yongjoo's panic attack is her fault, because she had been staring, but not at his scars. No, she had been staring at the thin, wispy cloud that lives around him. She knows that it means he's had a brush with death. Berry looks down, forces herself to exhale. "I - I know that you've died because I can see the evidence around you. You have this - this cloud around you, just like I do, just like a lot of other people I've seen. It means we've touched death somehow. That's - that's what I was staring at and I'm sorry."

[luvdive]

her response doesn't make things any better. whether she had a reason to stare or not, something about it set him on edge, and there's no escaping that. he's still in the midst of his panic attack, though, and so he offers nothing in response. her being here has undone a little of the progress he'd made. has set his heart rate rocketing again and seen sweat beading on his forehead once more. it's fine, he tells himself. let it happen, don't fight it. breathe. it takes another ten minutes for him to be ready to talk, though he feels absolutely exhausted. hopefully whatever berry needs to say is short, so he can come up with his exit strategy and pass out in rowoon's bed. ❝ sorry. people staring at me makes me feel weird sometimes. ❞

Berry knows she hasn't seen anyone who's come close to death and survived. She would remember if she had, because the aura that surrounds Yongjoo is hard to forget. And she's been doing her best to not stare at him since they've met, she really has. But sometimes, the voices get loud, and it's impossible to ignore the shimmering cloud of gray smoke around Yongjoo that tells her just how close he came to leaving this world.

And he's noticed. Of course he's noticed. Berry winces. She can't just - ignore it, so she waits a moment, then leaves the room, following after Yongjoo. The glassy look in his eyes hits her in the chest, makes her feel horrible. "I'm sorry," she responds, ignoring his plea. "I didn't mean to upset you, I promise there's - nothing in particular I'm staring at." Would he believe it? She didn't know, but she was sure that just staring so openly at the boy was what upset him.