#<- BEHOLD. OUR HORRID LITTLE PROSPECT!!!!!!!

[puckpocketed]

saw this headline and thought i was about to read a sad article about Finland's loss to USA in the gold medal game. and then i realised it was from new years day... <3

halttunen apologises for not destroying kids bad enough

[merakiui]

Day Team Slumber Party

(I wrote this on a whim based off of Ethan saying he’ll get nightmares if there’s too much on his mind and if he forces himself to rest, and June suggesting that everyone should sleep together to solve the problem. lol There’s no point in this, but I want to think it’s an enjoyable read. Now I’ll get back to working on everyone’s requests!)

It’s Louis who complains about the not-so-perfect sleep he had the other night. His fellow teammates look at him, and it’s June who asks for an elaboration. Ethan wishes he wouldn’t, and Theo can only force a small smile while he takes extreme interest in his chopsticks.

“What could be giving you trouble, my brother?” June practically shouts, slamming his drink on the table. “Are you suffering from any nightmares? Is it a vengeful spirit? Tell me and I’ll make sure no one gives you trouble! We’re brothers for a reason!”

Louis, having been given an opportunity, feigns a forlorn expression, holding a gloved hand over his chest. “Your overwhelming kindness is but a mere balm to soothe my pain! Surely you understand the horrid imperfections an improper sleep brings.” He sighs, wiping a faux tear from the corner of his eye. “If this continues any longer, my beautiful skin shall be tarnished! The mirrors may crack if I walk past, and I simply cannot let that happen.”

“Ah.” It slips from Theo without his meaning to, and he figures a small explanation won’t hurt. “Louis, I’m sure you’ll sleep better if you stop worrying.”

“Worry? ‘Tis a silly implication, my handsome Theo! Alas, what shall I do if I’m not as beautiful as the sun? Which, if you haven’t noticed, must shine brighter than everything else!”

“Well, you are the sun, aren’t you?” He means it as a joke, but he knows better than to assume Louis will laugh.

June grins. “I agree with brother Theo! It is just as he says. We must fix this problem of yours so that you can continue to shine as bright as the afternoon sun. That’s what our team represents, isn’t it, my brothers?!”

Ethan rolls his heterochromatic eyes. Though these types of shenanigans are a common happening within the Day Team, it doesn’t do anything to dispel his annoyed state. “We really shouldn’t be enabling such a narcissistic fool. Don’t you have anything better to do than to weep about something so insignificant?”

“How can you say that, brother Ethan? A good rest leads to a healthy mindset!”

“And a lovely lifestyle,” Louis adds, posing dramatically before the three Reapers.

“Why don’t you drink something that’s bound to make you fall asleep? Chamomile is known to treat insomnia, so I could brew you a cup if you’d like.”

“A perfect prince such as myself would never fall victim to that disease you call insomnia!”

It was worth a shot, Theo thinks, deflating. I’m afraid there’s no getting through to him.

“I doubt you’d know what a disease is,” Ethan says, crossing his arms. “You’re quite the disease yourself.”

“Your words wound my already fractured heart!” Louis slumps against the table, woefully sighing. “How cruel of you.”

“Insults won’t fix anything either. Maybe you’re reading too much into this. Everyone’s had their fair share of sleepless nights. You’re no different, Louis. The problem might lie in the fact that you’ve been sleeping in an uncomfortable position, or you’ve had too many heavy thoughts. Whatever it may be, I’m sure you’ll be able to overcome it in no time,” Theo says, shifting so he’s slightly in between Ethan and Louis. “You just need to fix your sleeping habits.”

“That’s it!” June jumps up from his seat. “The answer to your problem is simple! We’ll spend a night together!”

“Excuse me?” Ethan raises a brow.

“Um...” Theo trails on his words. “I don’t think that’s—”

“A marvelous idea! Truly spectacular, my dear June.” Louis applauds him, all traces of sadness gone from his face. “Please tell me more.”

“I’ve heard about it from the manager. They used to participate in a tradition where their closest friends came together for an evening of fun! Something called a slumber party.”

“That sounds too noisy. I’m not going to lose sleep because someone can’t seem to turn away from his own reflection at night.”

“Ethan’s got a point. Aren’t parties a bit too exciting for a time when we should be asleep? Won’t the manager be upset if we’re too tired to work the following day?”

“Nonsense! The manager should join us! They’ll get a chance to see the flawless Prince Louis in his silken night clothes. ‘Tis a sight to behold. Manager may go blind from how perfect I am, even in the late hours of the night.”

“If the manager’s going to be there...” Theo’s cheeks redden at the prospect of spending time with the manager outside of work hours. “I guess it wouldn’t be all that bad.”

“Brothers!” June gathers everyone’s attention, which isn’t a difficult task because he’s practically got the entire cafeteria watching him. “Have you forgotten about brother Louis? We must help him get a good night’s sleep! Therefore we’ll try this slumber party the manager mentioned, and it’ll restore his well-being!”

“I’m declining, so don’t ask again.” 

“I’d rather sleep by myself, if I’m being honest.”

“A little company never hurt anyone.”

“We have to stick together in times like these. When one of us falls, the others should be there to help him up! That’s why we’re brothers!”

There’s not much of an argument here, and it’s not like either of them will give up—or listen to logic for that matter. Besides, a slumber party—whatever that may entail—can’t be entirely bad, right? Theo’s willing to give it a try if it means hanging out with June more, but Ethan refuses to even accept the idea. He thinks it’s a waste of time that’ll only make the issue worse. And he can’t be blamed for his thoughts, no matter how cold they may be. 

If only any of them knew the true purpose of a slumber party.

-----

“All right! Everything has been prepared. The futons are laid out, tea has been brewed, and we’re dressed appropriately. Let us commence our first slumber party, brothers!” June laughs energetically, pumping a fist in the air.

“Sure.” Theo already regrets agreeing. The manager is absent, and somehow Ethan’s managed to join. “I’m glad everyone’s here.”

Ethan scoffs under his breath. “What’s the point in trying to sleep alone now? I’ll just hear you from outside my door.”

“What are we supposed to do, though? I’m a little confused.”

“Good question! Allow me to enlighten you.” Louis is holding a rose between his fingers as he speaks, twirling it as though it were a lock of hair. “You are to sleep wonderfully with the deepest of dreams! Naturally, that shouldn’t be a problem for us. After all, it’s called a slumber party for a reason. With this, I’ll finally be able to catch up on all of that precious beauty rest I missed.”

“Oh. We’re just supposed to sleep, then?”

“Precisely.”

Theo turns to June for confirmation, who says, “We’ll do all sorts of things to tire ourselves out so that we can sleep without fail!”

“That sounds fun, but I’m already tired. I’ll just finish my tea before heading to bed.”

Ethan nods, agreeing with Theo’s easy escape method. “I suppose I’ll do the same.”

“That’s hardly enjoyable,” Louis states, admiring the flower’s vibrant petals while letting out his signature laugh. “Doesn’t this color match Ethan’s charming hair? Perhaps he was born amongst the rose bushes to have gained such a blessed hue!”

“You talk too much.” 

“And you hardly talk at all! We should enjoy this night to its fullest potential. I propose we admire my beauty for the rest of the evening! My face will surely lull you to sleep, as will my splendid voice. Consider yourselves lucky! I’ll sing a lullaby for you, my sleepless friends.”

Louis makes a motion to begin singing, and he’s promptly cut off when a pillow is thrown at him, hitting him square in the face. On the other end is Ethan, whose brow lowers in a fierce glare. The perfect prince is shocked, mouth slightly agape at the audacity of his fellow teammate.

“My face!” he exclaims, bolting upright to get to the nearest reflective surface. 

June lets out another laugh, grabbing the pillow and testing its softness. “Excellent aim, brother Ethan! This seems like a worthwhile game. Catch, brother Theo!” 

Theo has just enough time to set his teacup down before the pillow makes contact with his chest. “Junee, I wasn’t ready!” There’s a hint of a smile on his features. “Louis, your face is fine. This pillow couldn’t hurt even a vengeful spirit.”

“How can you be so sure? Check the material! Anything could be a hazard to my endless perfection.”

June stands up to drag Louis back, an arm slung around him. “Fear not, brother! You’re glowing!”

“If you say so, then it must be true. You have an eye for perfection, June!” He swoops down to grab another pillow, eyeing it with a hint of mild distrust. “This should tire us out thoroughly!” 

The three Reapers toss pillows back and forth with the objective of hitting one another. Catching seems to be thrown out the window in favor of playing such a childish game. Every now and then, a pillow grazes Ethan, and despite his grumbling he ends up returning the throw, whacking June in the side. So begins a worthless contest of agility, strength, and endurance between Reapers who are far too giddy to continue this strange version of a pillow fight. 

“Isn’t this great?!” June asks when the constant barrage of pillows has slowed down. “I’m proud to spend this night with my brothers!” 

He tackles all three of them at once, which results in a pile of Day Reapers landing on the plush surfaces of their futons. Louis crows about his face once more, while Ethan sighs, more so bothered by the sudden act of affection than the actual fall itself. And Theo is just glad to have tried something new, despite the arbitrary implications of the events that led up to this moment. Nevertheless, it’s oddly fun. He’s never experienced this sort of glee before, and he’s certain the others haven’t either. For once, they’re closer than they’ve ever been, and that’s not just because they’re still on the ground in a tangle of limbs.

“This is like a new type of training! Let’s do it once more!” June is the first to get up, already gathering his own arsenal of pillows. 

In the beginning, Ethan wanted to ignore them and simply sleep like any normal person. Now he just wants to get the others to settle down. Against his better judgement, he reaches for a pillow. 

Theo chuckles, sensing where this’ll lead. Thankfully, he managed to clean everything earlier, so dust and germs won’t hold him back. “Junee, let’s do this together.”

“Nothing can stand in our way, brother!”

“I’ll be unable to forgive either of you if you leave so much as a dent on my fragile appearance! Have mercy on those who are good-looking.”

“Stop whining and get a pillow. This battle won’t be in their favor.” 

There’s an air of pride to Ethan, and rightfully so, as he’s ready to put a swift end to their antics. Just for tonight he’ll team up with the self-loving prince. He must be extra tired if he’s willing to side with him and take part in such a senseless game, but there’s nothing he can do now. He’s already committed, and he isn’t one to regret his decisions.

-----

The Day Team stands before both (Name) and Nyang Lead Manager the following morning, dead tired and yearning for a few more hours of coveted sleep. 

“We received lots of noise complaints—meow. Would you mind explaining yourselves?” Nyang hisses at the quartet, a bone-deep scowl on his furry face. 

“I’ll take care of it. You’ve got a lot of work to get to, so you shouldn’t have to stress over this,” (Name), their ultimate savior, offers kindly.

Nyang looks like he wants to protest, but he decides that they’ll execute a punishment per his orders. “Then don’t let me hear their ruckus again!” With another hiss, he exits (Name)’s office.

“So,” they say, analyzing each Reaper’s expression. Three out of four appear guilty, but they all seem groggy. “Now I know why June was asking me so many questions about slumber parties.”

“Manager, please forgive us. We’re truly sorry.” Theo attempts an explanation, but (Name) holds up their arm to silence him. 

“Are you kidding? You guys had all that fun and I wasn’t invited? We should hold a slumber party for the entire 14th Department! Then everyone can join in on the chaos.”

June overcomes his tired haze to nod enthusiastically. Theo looks like he could just faint on the spot, and Ethan is stone-faced. As usual for such an icy Reaper. 

“I’m just surprised Louis isn’t worried about his hygiene. You know, all of that beauty sleep and whatnot.”

“The light in here is simply horrendous!” Louis waltzes over to the windows, peeling the curtains aside so that he can bask in the warm light. “That’s much better.”

To everyone’s surprise, there’s no sign of sleep deprivation.

“Aren’t you lively today?” (Name) smiles, taking in Louis’s refreshed appearance.

“So you noticed! I slept like an infant in a castle of clouds. Ah, this is truly a wonderful morning. I’ve awoken, beauty sleep reclaimed, and have blessed everyone in the Department! Rejoice!”

Theo rubs his eyes, at a complete loss. “He...actually slept.”

June blinks twice, holding back a yawn. “Brother Louis truly is as radiant as the sun. So cool!”

Ethan sighs, already intent on moving forward from the previous night. “This was pointless to begin with.”

[thatlittlebee]

First Impressions- A Critical Role Pride and Prejudice AU

Chapter Two is now live! I hope it pleases- thank you to all of you who said such lovely things on twitter, tumblr and in the comments, it was very heartening. I had wanted to post a lengthier update, but time got away from me! I'll try my best to keep them regular. Also! An excellent critter, @NewKidMan on twitter, did a really wonderful reading of the first chapter that I highly recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBGf5TNwwN0

Read under the cut, or on A03: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10152458/chapters/22835369

Perhaps, Vex’ahlia thought, it might have been prudent to tell her brother of Mr de Rolo’s shocking rudeness when Velora was not within earshot. Not that their sister seemed at all perturbed by Vax’s rather ungentlemanly response.

‘Ugh! I wouldn’t be upset, Vex,�� Velora insisted, grasping her hand tightly. ‘He is a most awful, horrid man and not at all worth pleasing regardless of how rich he is.’

‘If I had heard him…’ Vax muttered, his expression stormy as he sunk back into the plush carriage cushions.

‘Perhaps he needs new spectacles,’ Velora remarked archly. ‘I thought you looked very fine tonight.’

‘I love you both dearly for being so offended on my behalf,’ Vex laughed. ‘And though I have no cordial feelings towards him, I’m quite alright.’

Both siblings appeared unconvinced by her response, but allowed the matter to be dropped as the carriage rattled along the road. Velora happily filled the silence with in depth assessments of the merits of each of her dance partners, which – considering she had not once sat down once since the dancing had begun – was enough to carry them all the way home to Longbourne.

Though she had been sincere in her instances to her siblings, Mr Percival de Rolo’s words would not leave her as Vex’ahlia lay in bed that night. ‘She is tolerable, Keyleth, but not handsome enough to tempt me and I’m in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men.’

It was not that he had insulted her looks - her vanity was not so easily wounded. But Vex was certain that until then, excepting their introduction, Mr de Rolo had not looked at her once. In that single moment, in that single glance he had judged her and deemed her inferior.

Tolerable. The word rolled about in her head, again and again. Tolerable. He had spared her but a single glance. In a single look he had judged her worth, and proclaimed it to be of no consequence. Vex cared little if she was not handsome enough to be of interest to such a man. But to be so rashly, and indeed so harshly judged had injured her more than she cared to admit.

 *

 Over the next fortnight, the Vessar siblings found themselves often in the company of the Netherfield party. Lady Keyleth and Miss Ripley called at Longbourne a few days after the assembly to take tea with the ladies and came again the following week with Mr Stormwind to dine with them. Though Syldor was somewhat perturbed to discover that Mr de Rolo was not in the party, his disappointment was not shared by his children. Vax, who had visited Netherfield twice to shoot, had reported to his sisters that the gentleman did not improve upon acquaintance.

‘He is a good shot, but apart from that I’ve found little about him favourable,’ he remarked. They had left the house soon after breakfast, having promised to call at Trickfoot Lodge for Pike so that they might all walk into Syngorn together. ‘But you can confirm that for yourselves soon enough. He is to attend this evening.’

‘Well I won’t dance with him,’ Velora huffed as she skipped and skittered ahead.

‘And I’m sure he will be devastated, darling,’ Vex replied with mock severity.

They found Pike awaiting them on the path, clad in a periwinkle blue spencer trimmed with yellow, and already in the company of Mr Shorthalt - who had just ‘happened’ to be passing that way. The party’s conversation quickly turned to the party Pike’s grandfather was to host that evening, and once again the poor impression made by Mr Percival de Rolo at the previous assembly. Being as yet unfamiliar with it, the story of his slighting of Vex was related to Mr Shorthalt by Vax’ildan and Velora with cold resentment from the former, and exasperated indignation the latter.

‘Poor Vex,’ Velora sighed, ‘to be only just tolerable!’

‘I think, considering his temperament, it would be far more bothersome to be liked by him,’ Pike laughed, shaking her head.

‘Agreed! I wouldn’t be too vexed by his words, Miss Vessar,’ Scanlan interjected, with a brash grin that earned him a groan from the rest of the party.

‘Anyway- what of the rest of the party?’ Pike continued, silencing Mr Shorthalt with a pointed look. ‘When I called on Lady Keyleth yesterday she spoke very warmly of you, Vax’ildan.’

‘She is an unexpectedly remarkable woman, I admit’ Vax responded, adjusting his cravat with a faint blush that did not go unnoticed by his sister, who shot a sly wink to Pike. ‘They are an oddly matched party. Miss Ripley seems a fine lady, and her manners are polite enough – but I can’t say I found them pleasing. But Mr Stormwind is a welcome addition, I think.’

‘Welcome! I thought he was a bore,’ Velora huffed, rounding on her brother with cheeks pink in disagreement. Vax’s attempts to defend the poor gentleman were loudly rebuffed by his sister, and soon the conversation devolved into jovial chaos. The rest of their walk was thus passed, with all members of the party able only to agree on only one point: that any further assessments must be postponed until that evening.

The neighbourhood had recently welcomed, in addition to the newcomers at Netherfield Park, a large regiment of militia officers that had been garrisoned at Syngorn for the season – much to the excitement of its young ladies, including Velora. With their society so greatly enriched Sir Wilhand Trickfoot had decided it proper to mark the occasion with a ball.

Despite herself, Vex’ahlia still felt a little apprehensive about the prospect of being again in the company of Mr de Rolo and she dressed that evening with extra care. Her gown was a light, delicately patterned muslin that fit her well, trimmed with a deep blue that matched both her sash and the feathers set into her hair. Whilst Vax’ildan, dressed in a handsome suit of grey and black with his hair pulled into a smart ponytail, had waited with patiently, Velora, in an embellished satin gown of pink and gold, had already knocked for her sister twice before Vex resigned herself to be ready.

The carriage ride was a silent one; the twins both found themselves nervous (though for very different reasons), whilst Velora’s spirits were noticeably dampened by their father’s last minute decision to accompany them.

Any anxieties were soon lifted, however, upon their arrival at Trickfoot Lodge; the house was already alive with gaiety. Leaving their father and Devana with the somewhat hopeless task of keeping watch over Velora – who had already surrounded herself with red coats – the twins quickly excused themselves to find Pike. Miss Trickfoot, again accompanied by Mr Shorthalt and currently engaged in conversation with Lady Keyleth and Mr Stormwind, caught Vex’s eye as they entered the room and eagerly waved them over.

‘Mr Vessar, Miss Vex’ahlia! I am pleased to see you both again,’ Keyleth cried, catching sight of them. Greetings were made, pleasantries exchanged and promises made for dances.

‘I think that your brother quite admires our new neighbour,’ Pike observed later as she and Vex stood to the side of the room, watching the couple lead the first dance. ‘I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him blush before. It’s rather amusing.’

‘Isn’t it sickening?’ Vex replied, with a mock groan. ‘You know, I think he really wanted to detest her just to spite father. But she makes it very difficult.’

‘Poor Vax! But I think she admires him too.’

‘They make a good match,’ Vex agreed, watching them with a fond smile. ‘Which suits me- she’s plenty rich enough for me to live happily as an old maid surrounded by their many, many children.’

‘Oh, don’t say that,’ Pike scolded. ‘Look, there’s a whole gaggle of officers over there desperately trying to build up the courage to ask you for a dance.’

There was indeed a group of about four young men stood some feet away, watching the young ladies intently and whispering amongst themselves. Vex caught the eye of one of the soldiers, bringing scarlet to his cheeks as she offered him a wry smile and a wink.

‘Pike, a soldier’s pension is hardly enough to keep me in luxury.’

‘Perhaps. But they at least seem to find you tolerable enough to stand up with,’ Pike teased.

‘Indeed, and I’ll dance with all of them if they properly flatter my vanity,’ Vex laughed. Certainly, the unkind words of one gentleman were not enough to keep her from amusing herself with another and so as the next movement began, she happily allowed herself to be led onto the dancefloor.

Occupied in the merriments of the evening, Vex’ahlia was far from suspecting that she might be becoming the object of some interest to the very same gentleman who had previously slighted her. Though he had spent some time in the company of her brother, Vex’ahlia Vessar had not crossed the mind of Mr Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III since their first meeting.

On first beholding her, he had scarcely allowed Miss Vessar to be pretty. He had been surprised, on their arrival into the country, to hear her regarded as beauty. Keyleth had spoken of her often as a bright and enchanting woman, but Percival had assumed such praise was coloured by Keyleth’s regard for the brother. Yet as he observed the dancing he found his attentions oddly fixed upon her.

Why this was, Percy could not say. It was not a sensation he had ever experienced before.  Where he had previously seen nothing worth his interest in her features, he now could not but notice the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. Though she moved without delicacy or refinement, there was something strangely pleasing about her as she danced and in the playfulness of her manners. He could not help but watch her, admiring the liveliness of her steps and the way in which the cut of her dress complimented her figure. She seemed to hold herself as if the rest of the room were of no consequence to her.

As the music swelled, watching her laugh and turn, Percival found himself overcome with a sudden need to know more of her. She had intrigued him, and his curiosity demanded to be satisfied.

Of all this, Vex’ahlia was perfectly unaware; - to her he was only the man who made himself agreeable nowhere, and who had not thought her handsome enough to dance with.

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: 2017 Get Serious Awards for Football

THIS column has become such a juggernaut we are dedicating an entire column to our own version of honours for the 2017 season.

That whilst all the other scribes and bloggers and twitter menaces have their say on who was the best, the worst, their highlights of the season, why would I begrudge this snowball of an audience by not chipping in with our own version.

So as we celebrate the home and away year in this chasm between the last round and the first week of finals, let’s look back and reminisce by calling it as we see it, who outperformed, underperformed and work out just who had the shitter year out of Damien Barrett and Mark Robinson.

Some of the following awards are cliché and obvious, some though are a bit different and unique to the Get Serious platform, so get on board, get yourself a cupper and a bicky, and prepare to be enlightened.

 SURPRISE OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Liam Jones (Carlton), Tom Mitchell (Hawthorn), Ben Brown (North Melbourne)

 Winner: Ben Brown – Bloody hell, the once-third ruck option down at Arden St. almost won the Coleman in a team barely able to avoid the wooden spoon. And the crucial kicker to be as good as the season was, it won’t be a flash in the pan. Given he is only 24 Shinboner fans can expect him to build on his 63-goal season, which is a scary thought really.

  DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Gold Coast, Western Bulldogs, AFL Senior Executives, the married ones, who should know better….

 Winner: The Match Review Panel – stuff the nominees, we had to give it to the MRP. Do we need to explain this one, I mean Jack Redpath, Brodie Grundy, Toby Greene, the list goes on. Horrid, awful, un-Australian really…

  GAME OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Round 2 Geelong defeats North Melbourne by 1 point; Round 4 (Good Friday), Bulldogs defeats North Melbourne by 3 points; Round 14, Sydney defeats Essendon by 1 point; Round 19, Collingwood draw with Adelaide; Round 22, Adelaide defeats Sydney by 3 points.

 Winner: Round 4 (Good Friday), Bulldogs defeats North Melbourne by 3 points – great game, great occasion. There were so many close, exciting, high standard games this year, it was the best season on record for close finishes, but we loved this game back in April. It was well promoted, it worked beautifully as an initiative, and on the fast track at Etihad the final term especially was pulsating.

  COACH OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Don Pyke (Adelaide), John Longmire (Sydney), Damien Hardwick (Richmond)

 Winner: Don Pyke – Horse and Dimma are stiff but here’s why: Horse has got the Swans into great shape, but we’re going to knock a couple points off for the start of the year from a coaching standpoint, and Dimma, he would have yielded a similar result to last year if it wasn’t for two things, the soft draw and the turnover of assistants. Pyke has kept the Crows up all year and deserves the minor premiership.

  TEAM OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Adelaide Crows, Sydney Swans, Richmond

 Winner: Sydney Swans – so we knocked points off Longmire in the previous award, but the best team for much of the year were the Swans, who almost knocked off the top of the ladder Crows in Adelaide. Yes, not a super start, but since Round Six no-one comes close, a phenomenal performance, scary, and given the Dogs saluted from 7th last year, the 6th placed Swans are a massive show to go one better in 2017.

  THE ABEL TASMAN PERPETUAL PLATE (MISS OF THE YEAR)

Named after Dutch sailor Abel Tasman, who on his journeys centuries ago, discovered Tasmania, discovered New Zealand, but sailed straight past Australia, and instead of being a Commonwealth country under British rule, we so easily could have been pot-smoking tulip farmers. Bloody Abel.

 Runner Up: Josh Bruce (St Kilda) for not one but two shockers in the goal square, down in Tassie against Hawthorn and against Richmond at Etihad.

 Winner: Melbourne – when your marketing department comes up with the website banner for finals arrangements, you better do better than six first quarter tackles when Collingwood has already kicked six goals and stuff up the unmissable finals spot at the final hurdle.

   THE LANCE ARMSTRONG AWARD FOR HONESTY (LIE OF THE YEAR)

Runner Up: Perth radio shock-jock Who-Cares McSomebody who had Nat Fyfe as a lock to St Kilda, weeks later the Dockers captain re-committed to the club for five years.

 Winner: Jordan De Goey – blamed a broken hand on playing with the dog before eventually confessing he did it in a weekend scuffle at a watering hole. Now come on Jordan…

  THE Y2K BUG GOLDEN JUG (WORST PREDICTION OF THE YEAR)

Winner: Me – for predicting West Coast will finish a strong third or that I had Fremantle improving resoundingly into eight spot. Yuck.

   THE GET SERIOUS PREDICTION OF THE YEAR

Essendon – In the lead up to the season proper I was bullish about the Bombers in 2017, that the 2016 wooden spooner could do the unthinkable and ascend into a September appearance as early as a year later, and then March 30 suggested Dons fans get ready for finals, they are good enough now. Low and behold, they came through like a treat, well done to the club and the faithful alike, pretty amazing year.

  FIRST YEAR PLAYER OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Andrew McGrath (Essendon), Sam Petrveski-Seton (Carlton), Sam Powell-Pepper (Port Adelaide)

 Winner: Andrew McGrath (Essendon) – you don’t believe how much I wanted to award my pre-season Rising Star pick SPP but one must concede the Bombers defender did just enough to pip the bull from Alberton. Amazing poise and contribution, consistently over the entire year too, so whilst it’s closer than many think, especially those Victorians who don’t see enough of Port Adelaide, this one goes to McGrath.

  THE CHER MEMORIAL TROPHY (“If I could turn back time” REGRET OF THE YEAR)

Winner – Chris Mayne (Collingwood) – Four years. And VFL track-watchers advise his form in the seconds as the year progressed was hardly progressing either, not good. Four. Years.

  THE 1944 NORMANDY LANDINGS MEDAL (TACTICAL MOVE OF THE YEAR)

Winner: James Sicily (Hawthorn) – Sicily was an ‘ok’ key forward prospect in a club who started the season 3-6. Alastair Clarkson throws the magnets around, turns Sicily into a tall ranging midfielder and with great success it helps turn the Hawks season around. From that point, the Hawks lose only three of the next ten games and 22-year old averages 24 disposals and nine marks a game in that stretch – a superb positional move.

 THE GET SERIOUS PLAYER OF THE YEAR

Nominees: Patrick Dangerfield (Geelong), Dustin Martin (Richmond), Tom Mitchell (Hawthorn)

Winner: Dustin Martin (Richmond) – Geelong are annoying but somehow get the job done, and hosted a preliminary final as recently as last year. The Tigers meanwhile stunk so bad last year if their coach not had this year already on his contract he would have been booted. We award this to Martin over Danger because of the influence he has had on his side finishing where it has. We rate the Cats list a little better than the Tigers list, structurally, especially with tall stocks, the Cats do a lot better than the Tigers. But the games that Martin has single handedly won are mesmerising, and not to downplay Dangers’ 2017, he has been a jet, this column just acknowledges that in our view, Martin was a smidge more valuable, a smidge more influential, a smidge better.

  And now the big one….

 THE SEAN SPICER ‘SWINGERS PARTY KEYS IN THE BOWL’ PAPER MACHE BOWL FOR OUTSTANDING MEDIA PERFORMANCE IN FOOTBALL JOURNALISM

Nominees:

Damien Barrett – ‘breaking’ the Rod Butters story about his alcohol and drug issues as President of St Kilda on the Footy Show when the Herald Sun ran the same tale as a feature six years ago, and also for being very boring, more narcissistic as the year progressed, and for claiming on his own podcast St Kilda had double standards for criticising Sam Newman’s transgender comments when by doing so was double standards in itself.

 Mark Stevens – late entry, but for following Dustin Martin to Auckland this week, chucking a microphone under his chin at the airport and expecting something. Martin is as introverted a footballer anyway, let alone the fact he was going to get nothing close to ‘hi Stevo, look, I can reveal to your audience exclusively, since you made the effort to make the trip over here, that I will be moving to North Melbourne next year”. And for ‘making up’ that the Pies want/need Jarrod Harbrow. Time to take a look in the mirror Stevo, average by you.

 Mark Robinson – one thing to send out an insensitive tweet about a player with depression, but it’s another thing to reach out with an apology letter, after being told not to, which included an interview request at the same time to further feather your own nest. Seriously you can’t make this stuff up sometimes.

 The Winner – Mark Robinson. Not a great year for the chiefy chief-chief of the sport’s biggest publisher. But the clincher for our friend Slobbo ‘Time to say no at the dinner table’ Robinson, was when he accused in the wake of Tom Boyd’s public battle with depression, that manager Liam Pickering or president Peter Gordon might be to blame for the illness, for not thinking of the psychological repercussions of the monster contract that Boyd signed in moving to the Dogs a couple years ago. Really? Very ordinary stuff. Time for a spell we think, maybe a ‘promotion’ to the classifieds section of the Colac Observer, or into photocopying for the Ovens Valley Bugle?

    (originally published August 30)