#「ʲᵒᶰˑʸᵍʳᶤᵗᵗᵉ」ᵃ ˢᵒᶰᵍ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉˡᵗᵉᵈ ᶤᶜᵉ ᵃᶰᵈ ᵇʳᵒᵏᵉᶰ ᵛᵒʷˢ

[killthebxy]

--- @satincrow​ ---

^^^the gif in question,

          which falls into the category i have named Moments When Jon Snow Was So Ready To Die --- which in turn breaks my little heart to pieces because it happens far too often. i think you used a perfect choice of word: relief. relief because he knew very well there would be little chance of both of them making it out of this night alive, and that likely both would be dead at the end anyway. it’s the same sentiment we see in the books (remember that Satin is there along for the ride!!!), but in the show Jon is allowed this very brief instant of reunion rather than to find her already post-battle --- and i believe it’s the wildest mix of emotions. relief, joy, regret, fear, atonement, guilt, hope, sadness, surprise, acceptance.

          i don’t think Jon realistically had any hope of having a future together with Ygritte, no matter the outcome of the battle --- and possibly had just as little hope that she would forgive him for what he did. and yet, at the same time... it’s even more heartbreaking when we see him saying things like we’ll go back to that cave, the maester will heal you --- because he was never one for this sort of mindless optimism, and still we see him clinging to it for a little bit because it’s literally all he has left as he’s watching her die in his arms. 

          .....but back to the gif. let’s also not forget that this moment happens literal seconds only after Jon’s smackdown (i swear this pun wasn’t intended) with Styr, and honestly at this point Jon just wants to find a quiet little spot to recover for a bit --- and instead he walks/stumbles across the corner and finds Ygritte with her arrow pointed at his face. so, yes, he was so ready to die ---he was exhausted, injured, seeing brothers die left and right, still not sure if they would manage to push through, in show!canon having sent Grenn to hold the gate against Mag the Mighty--- and likely he believed it would have been the perfect epilogue and exactly what he deserved. wrong to love her and wrong to leave her. and i personally believe that, should Olly not have interfered, Jon would not have done anything to defend himself or to avoid his fate. he would have let Ygritte take his life as retribution for his betrayal, because it would have been well deserved.

tagging @arcusignis for reasons