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yuptogun · 2 years ago

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엽토군이 성가대 그만둔대

지지난주에 교회 "성가대 지휘자"가 "사임"했다. 부임 11년 만의 일이다. 그래서 지난주 교회 성가대는 지휘 없이 성가를 했다. 그리고 이번주부터 나도 성가대를, 아니 그냥 이 교회를 그만둘 생각이다. 이런 얘기 쓸 곳은 역시 텀블러뿐인 거 같아서 조금 쓰자면...

역사가 130년이 되어 간다는 이 교회는 그 나이에 걸맞지 않게 아주 초라하다. 단지 제적교인 수가 적다거나 "성전"이 협소하다거나 그런 게 아니다. 교인이랍시고 모인 이들이, 실제로도 노인인 주제에, 사상적으로 영적으로까지도 폭삭 늙은 자들뿐이어서 초라하다. 매주 나오기는 하고 앉아는 있고 매주 분주하게 뭔가 하기는 하되 실제 자세는 항시 같은 자리에 푹 드러누워 문드러져 가는 자세일 뿐인, 아무것도 배우기 싫고 변할 생각이 없다는 표정인, 그래서 본받을 점이라곤 하나도 없는 늙은이들만이 객석에 듬성듬성 심겨 있는 꼴을, 성가대석에 앉아서 몇 년을 바라보고 개탄했는지 모르겠다. 이런 교회에서 성가대란 그저 두 가지 기능만을 수행한다. 이 교회가 정상이며 별 문제가 없음을 거짓 증명하는 알리바이, 그리고 "성가대원"들의 "폐활량 운동"을 위한 노인 복지 문화 사업.

일개 아마추어 "베이스" 성가대원이 보기에 그랬으니 그런 "성가대원"들을 붙잡고 그 알리바이를, 그 복지사업을 실무 진행해야 했던 지휘자는 오죽했겠는가? 알고 보면 그는 교회 밖 어디를 가든지 선생님 성악가님 소리를 듣는 남부럽지 않은 프로 바리톤이다. 서울대를 거쳐 베르디 음악원을 나와 아직도 현역인 사람이다. 심지어 'ㄴㅁ위키'에도 그를 설명하는 문서가 따로 있을 정도다. 그런 값있는 사람이 (어느 위키에도 없는) 이 교회만 오면? 그저 두어 시간 지휘봉 휘두르다 집에 가는 기계일 뿐이다. 11년을 매주 똑같은 기초 발성 교육 되풀이하다가 이제야 그만둔 건데 솔직히 진작 때려치우지 않은 게 용하다 싶을 정도다. "페이"를 얼마 줬는지는 모르겠지만, 아마 그 돈도 모욕이 아닌 수준으로까지만 줬을걸?

나는 사실 이 교회를 엄마 혼자 교회 다니게 두는 게 미안해서 같이 다녀주기 시작한 거였고, "청년부"니 "중고등부"니 들어가기가 도대체 너무 싫어서 성가대에 숨다시피 한 거였다. 한동안은 "저 노인들은 어떻게 저렇게 귀가 멀고 목이 곧을까 나는 저러지 말자" 운운 속으로 오만하게 정죄하는 짓으로 버텼는데, 그 짓도 슬슬 질리고 나니까, 다른 이유는 다 사그라들고, 오직 '저 지휘자 불쌍해서라도 내가 좋은 성가대원이 되어야겠다' 하는 심정만이 남고 말았다. 그래서 더욱더 기를 쓰고 성가대를 했다. 아무리 교회 갈 맘이 나지 않아도 웬만하면 출석했고, 모든 연습 시간을 지켰다. 저 성악가의 이곳에서의 시간이 그저 시간 낭비가 되지 않게 하자. 나라도 그의 '지휘'와 교육을 최대한 따라가려고 해보자. 오직 그 심정뿐이었다. 그리고 이제 그가 그만뒀으니, 나도 더 있을 이유가 없어졌다. 그래서 그냥 관뒀다.

엄마에게는 "이 교회에 신붓감(ㅋㅋ)이 없으니 신붓감 찾으러 다른 교회 좀 돌아다녀 보겠다"는 (마음에 별로 있지도 않은) 핑계를 댔다. 그리고 현재 시각 주일 오전 11시 18분, 나는 어느 소호사무실 한구석에 앉아 이 넋두리를 쓰고 있다. 사실 방금 전에 성가대 "총무" 집사의 전화가 왔고, 아주 잠깐 흔들렸지만, 끝내 부재중 처리했다. 내가 지금 교회를 가면 뭐가 달라지지? 전혀 나아질 게 없지 않은가? 지난 12년의 반복이 연장될 뿐 아닌가? 그래서 마음을 새삼 모질게 먹고 카카오톡 채팅방을 조용히 나왔다. 내 기억이 맞다면 내 지난 12년간의 주일 아침 10시 연습 중 결석은 없었고 지각은 두 번 있었던 것 같다. 그 짓을 해 보니, 이젠 그냥 다 모르겠고 좀 지겹달지 이젠 된 것 같달지, 그만해도 좋지 않을까 하는 생각이다. 마지막 연습 시간 때 지휘자님의 표정과 목소리도 그런 톤이었다. 뭐가 미워서, 그리워서, 무슨 이유가 있어서는 아니고, 그냥 이젠 지칠 뿐이라는.

한국 교회는, 청교도-인스타그램적 개신교 공동체는 사람을 지치게 만든다. 매주 매년 지겨운 알리바이를 꾸미기 바쁜 조직이라서 그렇다. 그리고 그 알리바이 역시 참 볼품없고 초라한데, 속셈이 뻔히 보이는 짓을 덮어보겠다고 드는 짓이라서 그렇다. 자기들이 사실은 개혁하고 있지 않음을, 세상 속으로 녹아들어가 세상의 부패를 막을 생각이 없음을, 사실은 그저 결코 다칠 일 없는 친목질, 각종 영적 이벤트 관람, "세상"과의 도덕적 비교우위 향유 등등만 반복하며 어릴 적 추억에 영원히 젖어 살다 천당이나 들어가고 싶을 뿐임을 들키지 않으려는, 혹은 바쁘게 손발 놀리며 그걸 잊어보려는 속셈. 그건 맨정신 든 사람들이 사회적으로 거리를 두고 바라보면 훤히 다 비쳐 보이는 일이고, 그래서 비할 데 없이 오직 피곤하기만 한 일이다.

"세상과의 비교우위 향유"를 조금 설명할까 한다. 사실 나도 아직은 교회 출석 자체를 아주 딱 그만둘 생각까지는 아니다. 적당한 곳이 있으면 적당히 가볼까 싶은데, 엄마가 "그러면 여기 교회도 좋을 거 같고 여기 교회도 좋을 거 같고" 하면서 잔뜩 뽑아 준 교회 목록 중 한 군데의 홈페이지를 들어가 보니, 자기네 교회는 흡연실이 있다는 점이 다르다면서, 이런 소리를 써놓았다.

예수님은 믿지않는 사람, 죄를 짓고 사람들에게 손가락질 받는 사람들을 위해 교회의 문을 활짝 열고 기다리셨을 겁니다. 그들이 하나님을 믿고 담배를 끊고 다시는 죄를 짓지 않기로 결단할 때까지 무던히 참으셨을 겁니다. (교회 이름)는 아직 하나님을 모르는 영혼들이 하나님을 만날 수 있도록 지역과 세상에 하나님의 마음을 품고 선교하는 교회입니다.

아니 씨발 뭔 개호로 양아치잡놈 지랄 염병 떨고 앉은 소리야. 담배 안 피우면 죄인 아니고 담배 피우면 죄인이란 소리냐? 넌 죄인이니까 얼른 와서 담배 피우고 교회 등록해서 담배 끊고 죄인 그만하라 이거냐? 물론 아니겠지. 텍스트를 열심히 읽어보고 교회측 법률자문 집사님이 작성한 내용 증명을 읽어 보면 절대 그 뜻이 아닐 테다. 하지만, 만약 내가 '아 나 담배는 피워야 되는데 이 교회도 흡연은 못하겠지?' 생각하면서 이 홈페이지를 들어온 흡연자라면, 이 멘트 때문에 이 교회를 안 가기로 결심했을 것 같다.

차라리 그냥 "흡연실이 있습니다." 까지만 썼으면 좋았을 것을, 이 교회는 기어코 흡연실이 있다는 사실��저도 자신들이 얼마나 훌륭하게 선교하는 교회인지 자랑하는 데 써버리고 만다. 하물며 그 흡연실의 은혜를 입어 흡연하며 교회 다니는 교인이 있다면, 그 교회는 그를 얼마나 알차게 자신들(만)을 위하여 써먹을까? 담배를 안 피우는 내가 조금 생각해 보기에도 모욕감이 치미는 면이 있다. 그래서 나도 이 교회를 안 갈 생각이다. 이런 교회가 어디 한둘인 줄 아는가? 겉포장만 한꺼풀 벗겨서 곰곰이 잘 씹어 읽어보면, 사실은 이런 소리를 꾹 참을 줄 아는 교회가 오히려 손에 꼽게 드물다.

이런 소리를 죽 써놓으면 "아 그래도 니가 모르는 정말 좋은 교회가 많고~ 니가 잘하는 집을 안가봐서 그렇고~" 하는 의견이 달릴 거 같아 미리 반론해 둘까 한다. 다시 말하는데, 그건 그저 덜 힘들게 하는 교회와 더 힘들게 하는 교회의 차이일 뿐이고, 매주 매년 본질이 같은 짓거리를 반복하며 숫자의 변동 외 아무 변화도 없는 이상, 모든 교회는 대한예수교 인스타그램회 교단으로 다 똑같다. 아까부터 인스타그램을 걸고 넘어지는 이유가 있다. 몰랐는데, 인스타그램은 기독교인들이 좋은 말씀 좋은 생각 설교 요약 콘텐츠 올리며 돌려보는 플랫폼으로도 활성화되어 있더라고. 알고 보면 힐송교회의 초기 성장 역시 인스타그램이 견인했다지. 플랫폼 본질상, 남에게 보여줄 수 있는 부분만 크롭하고 나머지는 스티커로 가리는 그곳이 말이다.

인스타그램에서 가끔 내면 깊숙한 이야기가 어떻게 올라오는지 아시는가? 오밤중에, 검은 사진 위에 조그만 텍스트로 길게 한꺼번에 올라온다. 그마저도 24시간 뒤에 ��발되는 스토리로 올라왔다가 '자진 철거'되므로, 대화는 발생하지 않고, 따라서 기도나 고해, 담화가 원천 차단된다. 그러고 나면 다시 세상은 아름답고 멋있고 웃기고 유익하고 익숙한 것만 가득한, "절망이 없"는 곳이 된다. 요한계시록에서 많이 들어본 묘사 아닌가? WASP 패권이 세계에 보급한 개신교가 상상하는 천당은 인스타그램이다. 그리고 다들 그걸 현세에 구현하기 위해 각자의 성전 예배당에 모여 매주 매일 매년 아름답고 멋있고 웃기고 유익한, 그리고 익숙한 뭔가를 만들거나 보거나 보여주기를 거듭한다.

그 기능을 하는 조직 중에 '성가대'가 있음은 말할 것 없고, 그 짓거리에 질리고 지치지 않기는 쉽지 않을 터이다. 혹시 아직도 내가 성가대에 지친 이유를 이해할 수 없는가? 그냥 지금까지 읽은 설명을 전부 다 잊어 달라. 그리고 그냥 당신 믿고 싶은 대로 믿어달라.

대학생 때는 '캠워'를 개근하던 '와웨머'였고 사회인 되어서는 심지어 워홀로 간 호주에서조차도 성가대를 개근하던 '성도'였던지라, 일요일 아침 12시에 장의자가 아닌 곳에 앉아 있게 된 경위가 썩 낯설다. 번아웃이 온 걸까 싶기도 하고, 다들 이렇게 "가나안"이 되는 거였던가 하는 감상도 나고 그렇다. 일단 한동안은 일요일 오전의 세상을 좀 둘러보면서 좀 쉴 생각이다. 대학생 때 보았던 어느 일요일 아침인가의 마로니에 공원은 믿을 수 없을 정도로 고요했고, 이슬인지 안개인지도 엷게 깔려 있었어서, 자못 '거룩'하기까지 했던 기억이 남아 있다. 다른 곳은 어떨는지. 뭐 이번 기회에 그간 궁금했던 "크~은 교회"들도 좀 관광 다녀보고.

세상은 변하고, 나도 어른이 되어 가는데, 교회만 어릴 적 모습 그대로라는 사실은, 아마도, 내가 너무 늙고 병들어 지쳐서, 어디 한구석에 가서 문드러져나 있다 오고 싶다는 욕심이 강렬하게 날 때쯤이면 온전히 받아들일 수 있을까 싶다. 지금은 아니다. 이제는 별 미련도 없다. 유일한 위안이라면, 남자가 3명뿐이고 지휘자는 없던 지난주가 내 지난 12년 성가대 활동을 통틀어 가장 호평받은 "무대"(ㅎㅎ)였다는 점 정도다. 누군가가 진심으로 잘했다, 멋있었다 소리를 해주기로는 정말 처음이었던 것 같고, 이 교회는 역시 지휘자가 그저 알리바이 소품이었구나 싶고. 그러고 보면 지금쯤 지휘자 아니 바리톤 선생님은 뭘 하고 계실까? 하나뿐인 제 자식의 사춘기에 어울려주는 주말을 보내고 계시겠지? 최근 몇 주간 맨날 그 얘기였으니까. 나중에 제대로 인사 한 번 드려야 할 텐데.

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rkjunhyuk · 5 years ago

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BANG JUNHYUK STARBRIGHT 2020 ROYAL CALLBACK

KARD - Bomb Bomb (1:05 - 2:00) Rapping to B.M and J.Seph parts Dancing to B.M’s parts

of course he was disappointed at first when trc didn’t offer him a callback. but that small feeling of disappointment didn’t really last for very long when he found out that royal was offering him one. which was funny, as well as surprising, as it was neither his first or second choice when it came to companies. though he did have a royal entertainment flyer stuffed away in his bedroom somewhere. though he was pretty sure it was probably old and out of date by now so that didn’t really matter very much. all that really mattered to him was that at least one company wanted him enough to give him a chance to audition properly in the first place.

and of course he was a little nervous about having to showcase two skills instead of one. it was just the rapping he had to worry about he would no doubt be feeling a lot calmer about the whole situation. but really the excitement was overwhelming the nerves. this could really be it. after a small one minute performance he could really be offered a contract and start on the long road towards debut. and maybe it was foolish to already be thinking so far ahead of himself, but the teenager really couldn’t help it very much. he’d been working for years already just to get this chance, and now it was right there in front of him. all it took was one solid performance to prove that he could do it. and he was nothing but confident that he could pull this off.

from the beginning he thought it might be an amusing idea to try and combine his skills on a skateboard into things. but after thinking about it for a little longer he realized that was an incredibly dumb idea and it was probably better if he didn’t do something like that. he wanted to try and take this seriously. it was his dream and his future on the line and he didn’t want to go and mess it up because he had had decided to not take it 100% seriously. that’s when he started to looking towards rapping and both dancing. while dancing was not something he was completely confident in, he had dabbled about enough with it to feel as though he could copy a choreography with a little bit of practice.

actually finding a song he was comfortable with took more time than he was expecting. it was hard to find a song that had enough rapping for him to showcase while also having a good dance routine to it as well. june could easily imagine that vocalists had a lot easier time with this, but he wasn’t about to give up. while it took a little time scouring the internet and scrolling through his spotify playlists for inspiration he eventually came across something which would be interesting to do. while the just under a minute clip he had managed to secure had a little bit of vocal parts as well, junhyuk wasn’t planning on singing those bits.

then start the practice, starting with learning the rap, just constantly rapping the words over and over again in his bedroom mirror, watching his reflection, trying to get the right facial expressions. then it was the dance, watching the mirrored choreography video over and over again, learning step by step, dancing in time with the video until he was sure the whole one minute dance was drilled right into his head. finally it was a mixture of both the rapping and the dancing. admittedly, it was a little harder than he thought it was going to be trying to put the two of them together, but after a couple of hours of endless practice he was actually managing it. and it wasn’t very long at all until he was feeling confident in himself, ready to go and put on a really great performance that he could be proud of.

the day of the callback the nerves were starting to come back. the slightly twitching fingers, unable to sit still as he rode the bus to the company. and the whole time he had his headphones plugged into his ears, softly rapping the song under his breath, unable to stop himself from moving slightly to the choreography as well. and sure, he was getting some pretty strange looks from the people around him, but junhyuk didn’t care. this was his last chance to get in even a little bit of practice so he was hardly going to let it pass.

just standing there staring up at royal entertainment, junhyuk the butterflies in his stomach, even if he was trying to just swallow them down. he almost couldn’t imagine himself coming here every day and to be able to call himself a trainee. but the teenager knew that he wanted it, he was desperate for it. and that surely had to count for something? he was sure they would be able to see how hungry he was and how willing to do anything he was just to get his chance to even train. he was still young, junhyuk knew that, so there was loads of time to achieve his dream. but starting as young as possible was not going to hurt anybody.

he recognized one of the other royal callbacks as the girl he had met during the speakup event, but the boy he didn’t. though junhyuk was trying not to think about them as he stood there waiting for his turn. getting distracted was not a good idea and he didn’t want to start worrying about how good these other people might be. this was all about him, it was his moment and he just had to keep himself completely focused on the task ahead and pull through in one piece.

when he finally heard his name his heart did a small leap in his chest. this was finally it. so junhyuk found himself standing up just a little bit taller, trying to seem as confident in himself and possible as he held his head up and walked into the room, smiling as he stood in front of the small panel of people and the camera pointed right at him. don’t panic, he knew he could do this, he was talented and he was just about to prove it. don’t think about the fact he was performing in front of the ceo or he was being filmed. this was all just in a days work. it was fine.

“hello,” he greeted politely, smiling as he bowed just under ninety degrees before straightening up again, the smile still on his face, “my name is bang junhyuk and thank you very much for this opportunity.” and he couldn’t mean those words any more, he was thankful he was even getting the smallest of chances to show his stuff. he could have very well never have gotten a callback in the first place. and even if today didn’t work out for him, he still wanted to leave feeling happy that he had put in his best effort and couldn’t have done anything different.

but now there was no more talking, nothing else he could say. all he could do was do his short performance and hope that it at least impressed someone and showed he had some potential to be great one day.

as soon as the music started he was in character, expression changing to something far more charismatic like a switch had just been flipped in his head. all the nerves just gone as he went right into the first rap like he had practised over and over again.

i see u eyeing on me 원한다면 come get a taste 신호를 보내 눈빛에 써있네 you thirsty all thirsty for this

너의 움직임에 더 홀려가게 she whine it drippin like faucet 적셔가 열정의 땀에 이 곡이 마쳐도 no pares y dame woah

the choreography was sharp but junhyuk was trying to show a charismatic and powerful rapper side to him as well. he wanted to act as though he had been doing this for years, that rapping and dancing just came naturally to him. he was extra careful not to put a foot wrong, keeping the timing in the back of his mind as he moved and flowed with the beat of the song. and next came a short vocal bit, but he didn’t actually sing along, not really willing to prove how little singing ability he had. instead, he had just left the female vocals out of it. but even so he still found himself mouthing them a little under his breath, almost as if he was keeping himself in time as he moved towards the next part of the song.

you make me 맨정신 못 차리게 어지러워 어질러 내 맘을 왜

more vocals for a second, to june allowed himself to focus on his dancing, keeping it sharp and powerful, just like the original. this was a strong song, upbeat and something you wanted to get up and jump around to. and he did have to hope he was successfully managing to show that and the panel of judges weren’t just sitting there getting bored of watching him already. but if they weren’t impressed yet, he was sure now the chorus was coming up they might change their mind. it was almost impossible not to at least bop your head in time with the music.

at least, it was for him.

나와 함께 새하얗게 Make it burn make it burn 매일 밤밤

then came the strong beat of the chorus and junhyuk didn’t hesitate to go right into the strong dancing. and just the sound of his feet hitting the floor as he moved was quite satisfying to hear, unable to keep the grin off his face as he performed. this really was what he loved doing, being able to stand there and entertain and inspire other people. june simply couldn’t imagine what his life would be like without music, without the capability to rap and to dance and really do what he loved. no doubt that would be a sad and lonely life indeed and not one he wanted to live. which was why he was so desperate to do well in this, if only to prove that he could stand up to people much older than him and prove that age wasn’t everything.

오늘 밤 내일 밤 매일 밤밤

wildin’ all day wildin’ all night wildin’ all day 난 매일 밤밤 wildin’ all day wildin’ all night wildin’ all day 난 매일 밤밤

as he got through the last little bit of the lyrics and the chorus finally came to a close, junhyuk tried to finish as powerfully as possible. his foot hit the floor on the last beat and he straightened up, holding his hands in front of him as he held the last position for a moment, sweat starting to shine on his brow and chest heaving with the amount of energy he had just wasted in the fifty-five seconds he had been performing. and he felt the burn from his limbs, but the boy was still smiling all the day. he was proud of himself and what he had just done, proud that he had gotten through it solidly and was pretty sure he didn’t put a foot wrong the whole time.

eventually he did relax as he stood there, taking just a short moment to get his breathing under control so he could comfortably speak again before bowing forward. “thank you so much again for this opportunity, i loved it! i hope you enjoyed watching as well,” he grinned right at the camera after he was done speaking, almost having forgotten that it was sat there recording him the whole time. but he didn't mind having that performance in an archive somewhere for years to come. he was proud of it and what he had just accomplished.

but, for now, all he could really do was smile one last time, bow just a little more before turning and finally leaving the room for the next person. next simply came the waiting game to find out if it was going to be bad news or good news. and while junhyuk was desperately hoping for the latter of the two he knew that if worst came to worst and he left this building at the end of the day without achieving his dream, he could still be happy that he had tried and done his best. and, as his father would say, that was all that really mattered in the first place.

#20starbright2 #. solo #. 2109 words #. 2015 w/o lyrics #(started... had a breakdown in the middle... enjoy)

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