#(I’m too much of a writer and actress. if I see Checkov’s Gun I’m firing it!) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

void-tiger · 2 years ago

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Well…if there’s one (1) good thing about having a crush, it’s that when I’m (for the moment anyway) not worrying about the other person’s boundaries and terror about whether I’ve stomped on them or not + my own frustration at how slow things are to just communicate verbally and directly instead of constantly dancing around nonverbal reads (that are two-way, I suppose but still no substitute, can still mean just about anything)…

…yeah. I do let myself be selfish. Acknowledge what I want instead of burying it so deeply away from my consciousness to not “take up space” I suppose. Finally give myself some damn permission to fall in love with another person “despite” being ace, and “despite” being chronically ill and struggling with my mental health.

And what is it I want?

To feel cared for. Cherished. By someone here. To wake up and have someone greet me with a gentle embrace mindful of the constant chronic pain especially in the mornings to not accidentally pinch things, but not treating me like glass, either. To be given autonomy instead of having it taken away—to do things together, FUN things, without being made to feel guilty about that “taking away” spoons from chores or “well why won’t you just work a job then!” but also respecting my need to rest periodically or take a longer rest after the fact.

To feel heard. To trust that there’s love enough for us to disagree and feel angry and frustrated and sad around eachother and with eachother without judgement, without the risk that things are forever one disagreement or misunderstanding away from falling apart completely or worse.

And please tease me. Teasing is a love language just as much as communication and encouragement and acts of service and finally being held. It’s verbal play, and I trust you to not bully me.

And…I’ve shown as much as I can, I think. I know you’re trying to mirror at least some of it. And I think I’m reading you correctly, but I wish I understood why you seem so terrified to talk directly to me.

#tiger’s musing #screw it. ‘don’t say i’m in love’ or whatever #and well. it will fade eventually. and I am very practiced at Behaving and keeping my feelings to myself #legit always have to do that the very few times I’m liked someone This Ain’t ‘Just’ Platonic Is It #because…guess what. the other person’s comfort and boundaries matters more to me #and friendships aren’t a ‘consolation prize.’ they’re the Good Shit #it’s…just that much harder when there isn’t that Direct Communication With Frequency for me #��bUT!! if he didn’t like me…why does he keep looking at me Like That?!#…right. hang in there for a few more weeks. I did hand over a script as..#…yeah. wonder if he realized /he’s/ the reason I finally found my nerve to write it the way I want #and for all my current ‘will you just RELAX and TALK to me yET?!’ frustration? he’s my muse for joseph!#I needed to see what a GOOD man even remotely looks like just as much as I needed someone like him #to accidentally or intentionally show interest (look. if ya gripe about wanting to do something. PUBLICALLY #(and it’s within my skills to make it available. guess what. I’m gonna call your bluff #(I’m too much of a writer and actress. if I see Checkov’s Gun I’m firing it!)#…does he realize that I basically told everyone off for pressuring him via social media and semi privately?#that the only reason why I started using facebook again was to get people to leave him alone?#(who knows. but that + him…kinda witnessing just How Bad my mental health is? is…when I think there was a turning point. maybe. probably.)#…I suck at socializing in Initial Stages. so much. it’s so uncomfortable #but…screw it. I’ve learned that I’ll use what power I have to change environments and make opportunities #even when it’s (deeply) uncomfortable for me to do so #…because sometimes you gotta blink first to make someone else feel safe. and hopefully latch onto that #and…yeah. guess I am patient. but also griping the entire time

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