#*vixx | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

orangesaek · 3 months ago

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i don't want to be an idol

"As much as I love you, music is so important to me too, I can’t help it. After some time passes, after I become a bit more famous, I will reveal you to the world – I love you."

pairings: (ex-bf) idol!Mark x fem reader genre: mainly angst with a liiiiitle fluff wc: 2.1k

summary: you look back at the once-loving relationship you had with your ex-boyfriend, Mark Lee of NCT.

warnings: aside from angst, I honestly don't think there's anything else... but if you find something that needs a warning, please let me know!

disclaimer: this is an original work of fiction. do not copy, translate, or plagiarize any of my works! not proofread btw, so sorry for any misspellings/errors in grammar (but I will try to edit whatever I find that needs changing)

a/n: IT'S BEEN A LOOONG WHILE omg I've had this writer's block for so long, aside from dealing with life :') I hope everyone's doing well <3 anw, I wonder if anyone here knows VIXX's b-side "I Don't Want To Be An Idol"? lemme know <3 this story is (loosely) based on that song :')

You were mindlessly browsing through videos on Youtube to watch on TV one, lazy Monday, when you came across a suggested live video that made you feel things you thought you have long forgotten.

With some hesitation, you pressed on your remote to watch the said live video.

It was Mark Lee’s showcase for his first ever album, The Firstfruit.

You shifted carefully in your seat on the couch, trying to settle in a more comfortable position, as you watched Mark smile shyly on camera. ‘He must be really nervous’, you thought, noticing how he was sitting so still, unlike when he was with his members.

“So, Mark,” the host started. “Would you be willing to show us your ‘On Repeat’ playlist right now?”

“O-oh, yeah,” Mark laughed awkwardly before fishing out his phone from his pocket and tapping on it. The host smiled excitedly as he waited for Mark to show his phone to the camera.

“Okay… uhm, should I…? Just?” Mark asked the host, gesturing between his phone and the camera.

“Yes, if you’re ready to show your playlist to us.” The host chuckled, most probably because of how nervous Mark looked to him. Mark was looking down at his phone, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck before finally showing his screen to the camera. The cameraman zoomed in, and Mark looked up to check the big LED screens of the venue. It was the first time he ever showed his screen to the public, and he kinda regrets having said ‘yes’ to this.

The host turned in his seat to check the LED screen behind him. He expressed amusement at the list.

“As expected, you listen to many Western artists,” the host remarked. “Oh, and I think this one’s a worship song… wow.”

“Yeah, uhm, most of them are artists I look up to, while some are just songs that I deeply resonated with,” Mark explained, chuckling quite nervously. “But yeah, my ‘On Repeat’ playlist is honestly just random...”

The host hummed, nodding his head lightly, before tilting his head to the side seemingly in wonder. Mark noticed that, and he suddenly felt his hands get sweaty. The host turned back to look at Mark, who had now become slightly fidgety.

“Mark, would you mind showing us the upper half, too? If you don’t mind at all,” the host asked.

Fans watching his live showcase online noticed how Mark looked visibly uncomfortable and started flooding the comment section about it, hoping that whoever was in charge of the show would notice and ask the host to move on to another topic.

Fortunately, the production team read the comments and instructed the host through his in-ear to redirect the conversation. However, before the host could even think of a way to change the topic, Mark had already revealed his screen again to the camera.

“These are my top 10.” He said quietly into the microphone.

Various reactions were seen and heard from the fans at the venue after his screen was shown. A few excited screams were heard, but most of the reactions picked up on audio were gasps and whispers.

‘Is this real?’

‘It can’t be… what is this?’

‘Daebak…’

The host observed the fans’ reactions before looking at Mark, feeling unsure about what was happening. He hesitantly turned back in his seat to look at the LED screen and finally understood why there were mixed reactions in the crowd.

Before the host could turn back to look at Mark again, he heard one of the producers instruct him again through his in-ear to ask Mark one last question about the playlist and move on quickly to the next topic.

The host laughed quite awkwardly before turning back to Mark, clearing his throat in the process.

“So, uh, Mark,” he started, feeling quite unsure what to even ask him that wouldn’t cost him his job that day.

“Uh, we can definitely see how random your playlist is… we know that your mood and your music preferences change as time goes by, and there’s a high chance that you will have a new batch of songs on repeat,” the host paused, obviously trying to find the right words.

He briefly scanned the crowd before looking back at Mark in confusion. The host couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but Mark suddenly looked quite relaxed… relieved, even.

“But is there a song in this playlist you know would always be there?” He finally asked.

Mark was quite taken aback by the question but still smiled, albeit shyly. He put his phone back in his pocket and let out a sigh that was picked up by his microphone.

“A song that would always be there, huh?” He whispered into the microphone as he stared at the floor, looking like he was in deep thought.

“I think—no, actually,” he paused. Mark looked at the camera and showed a small smile.

“I choose VIXX-subaenim’s ‘I Don’t Want To Be An Idol’ as the song that would always be on this playlist.”

The host looked visibly confused; he wasn’t sure how he should approach this situation, which was evident in his voice when he asked Mark ‘why’.

Mark brought the microphone back up to his lips.

“Um…” he started, but paused for a moment, his mouth slightly open, like he already had an answer but decided against saying whatever it was, and was now thinking of the right words to say.

“It just resonated so much with me, as an idol in this fast-paced industry,” he answered, voice soft and sounding like he was in deep thought.

“When I first listened to this song, I wasn’t even an idol yet, so the lyrics didn’t even make sense to me… but when I officially entered this industry, I finally understood how deep the lyrics were…” he paused again before continuing, “I obviously can’t speak for every public figure on this planet, but for me, this song perfectly describes the reality of what dating can be like for a celebrity.”

The host’s expressions turned soft, seeing Mark in a new light. Sure, he may not be as popular as Mark, and he may not know what exactly Mark went through, but the host fully understood what he meant.

The host briefly looked at the fans, trying to gauge their reactions. As expected, there were some who looked quite upset, but the majority, based on what the host briefly saw, looked as if they also understood Mark’s words and sympathized. The host felt that it was the right time to move on from the topic and smoothly opened up a new discussion about his album.

Meanwhile, you were crying in front of the TV. You could barely hear what they were even talking about now as you tried to wipe away the tears that just never seemed to stop flowing down your cheeks.

You were confused, not really sure why you were crying in the first place.

Was it because you were happy for Mark to have finally had the chance to release an album he always dreamed of? To have finally had the chance to release the drafts that were long sitting in his laptop?

Or was it because you were reminded of your memories with him? The ones you forcibly kept hidden in the farthest back of your mind?

You were reminded of the day you first met him, and how your unexpected friendship turned into a relationship. A secret one, which you readily accepted.

You were reminded of how his warm hand fit yours perfectly like a puzzle piece, and how he’d always look at you lovingly when he kissed the back of your hand.

You were reminded of those times he would come over to your apartment and insist on cooking something for you. Most of the time, you would both end up having to order food instead because Mark can do anything but cook. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

You were reminded of how he would sigh in content whenever you would run your fingers through his hair when you’re cuddling, and how he actually loved being the small spoon.

You were reminded of how soft his lips were, and how gentle he touched you, like you were going to break if he was any less gentle.

He brought so much happiness to your life.

But you were also reminded of how he would send you flowers and gifts as an apology for not being with you on your birthdays and anniversaries.

How you never had a proper date outside of your apartment, in fear of being seen. Even a quick date at the cafe near your apartment would be too risky.

You were reminded of how you couldn’t rely on him during the times you needed him the most because he’s almost always working. One day, you’re breathing the same air. The next, he’s already overseas. You couldn’t even reach out to him anytime and had to always wait for him to do it first.

You realized how difficult it was for you to keep up with him. He’s Mark Lee afterall, one of the idols with the craziest schedules in the industry for years now.

And that’s why you broke up with him.

You saw how he begged for you to stay, and you could see how deeply hurt he was. He did things he didn’t usually do when you were still together.

He called you daily for weeks. Calls you never answered.

He texted you daily for months, asking how you were, how your day was, and if he could see you even for just 5 minutes. Texts you answered with a few words, but mostly ignored.

You would see random gifts on your doorstep that always came with heartfelt love letters from him.

There were even times when you would receive emails from him with attachments; they were songs he recorded for you, saying that he meant each and every word.

You can’t lie—the thought of getting back with him did cross your mind before. How could you not? His idol status aside, Mark was genuinely a good person. There was not a single bad bone in his body. And you did feel that his love for you was sincere.

But you solidified your resolve to let him go forever after you decided to meet up with him one last time. He got down on his knees and begged for you to take him back. He said that things are looking up for him, and that he would be able to treat you so much better. He said that he was willing to do anything and everything to make you happy, even if that means he will have to give up his career for you.

That was it.

You couldn’t let Mark give up on his career just for you. He worked so hard to get to where he is now, and giving it all up for you was just not worth it. Mark was obviously meant for the stage, and he was meant to inspire and give hope to everyone who looked up to him.

You wanted only the best for him. He deserved all the good things in life, you wanted him to be happy.

And so, with tears brimming your eyes, you told him to forget about you and move on. You left him without turning back, afraid that if you did, your resolve would crumble and you’d take him back right then and there.

It had already been quite some time since your relationship ended, and seeing him on the news, interviews, print ads, TV commercials, magazine features, LED ads in the city, or hearing one of their songs playing in stores while out shopping didn’t affect you that much anymore.

“Honey, I never thought I’d see you cry because of some guy on TV.” a voice behind you asks, chuckling lightheartedly. You sniffled as you hurriedly wiped your tears away.

It was your husband.

“It must be little peanut over here causing all this.” you said as you pointed to your belly. Your husband then plops himself beside you on the couch, gently rubbing circles on your baby bump.

“Aigoo~ is it really because of you, our little peanut?” he coos affectionately before his attention was taken away by the TV as he watched Mark perform one of the songs in his album.

“Who is he?” he asks.

“Mark Lee...” you answered quietly. It has been a while since you said his name out loud, and it felt strange but familiar to you at the same time.

“Mark Lee, huh? He’s pretty good, gotta give him that!” your husband commented, “That must be why you like him?”

‘Actually… I loved him with all my heart’, you thought, but you just nodded quietly. You looked at your husband, who was bobbing his head lightly to the music, and smiled to yourself before engulfing him in a hug. You looked at Mark on the TV.

‘I’m proud of you, Mark Lee. Always.’ you thought, as a final tear for him rolled down your cheek.