#AND I THINK SHE DOES BUT!! I'm scared | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mystxmomo · 23 days ago

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hi hiii

so. what if. iiii. enabled u to be autistic on the internet again :3c

i wanna hear your thoughts on eilistraee and vhaerauns relationship! the nitty gritty, the dynamics, how they think of each other vs how they act, and how thats changed over time+how its reflected in their church

im ADORING all your posts on it if i could id print them out and eat them 🫶

Okay. So this is officially the third part of my "I need to go crazy on some character analysis" Saga. My analysis on Vhaeraun is Here, and my analysis on Eilistraee is Here. I recommend, if you're stumbling across this post in the wild as tumblr tends to do, reading those two first so that you have an idea of how I see these two characters and where the basis of my argument for their characterization comes from. If I need to reference something from either post, I'll quote it here. But y'know. Need be said.

Okay so.

I believe this post is going to the most subjective of mine. I am going to try and pull up canon screenshots from War of the Spider Queen, The Lady Penitent, and Evermeet, but unlike how you kind of get told directly how the drow gods behave and hold themselves and a lot of things end up getting built on them, I would argue so many hands have touched DnD and so many interpretations of their relationship have sprung up over the books that it's hard to give a truly simplified "This is how they see one another."

Water is wet statement, relationships are complicated.

Anyway. Given what my thesis is, I am going to be talking a fair bit about abusive family dynamics in this one as well. My goal for this (and any character relationship I do, really) if to try and keep it very fair. I think a of people make the mistake when talking about Eilistraee and Vhaeraun's relationship of picking a side. Like this idea of one of them being right and one of them being wrong and needing to "Fix" the other. And I don't think that's true at all. I think to be able to understand why they feel the way they do about one another and why their relationship is the way it is, you need to respect both of their characters individually.

(Granted, I think this should be true of any relationship you're writing for in fiction. If I can preach for a second, I think even if you don't like a character, you have to be able to respect the character to properly portray them.)

Final note before I get into this. Everyone thank @abracadav-r again for being on screenshot duty. The posts wouldn't get done nearly as fast without them, they know exactly where to find these little moments.

So. That all said. Lets get into it.

I've made a smaller joke post about what I think their dynamic is like before here. But now that you're giving me the opportunity to do so, I will go indepth about it. Yes.

I'm kinda of the opinion that Eilistraee is more incorrect about Vhaeraun than Vhaeraun is incorrect about Eilistraee (But also that this is the result of DND Canon not being entirely fair to Vhaeraun.)

Let's get the discussion about my thesis about the Elven Pantheon being an analogy for an Abusive family on a divine scale out of the way first, because it's something I've mentioned a few time's, but only every really shorthanded. And I think here, in the discussion about relations, is a GREAT place to start and actually explore that.

Now. I should probably start by saying, I don't think this was intended by DnD. Like, I think when they were originally making this lore, it was the intention to just make a justifiable evil worth killing. DND came out of a time of the romantic fantasy, the very Tolkien and Fairytale esc ideas of good and evil and have this classic hero's journey power fantasy ideal to it. Other people have gone into depth about that origin with far better sourcing and dissection than I can ever hope to, but basically: DnD is absolutely (as all art is) a product of it's time and of the community it stemmed from.

However, I personally think those themes and ideas are a little outdated, and a modern audience (myself being the modern audience) tends to be more enthralled by very nuanced interpretations of good and evil, and find indepth character driven narratives more engaging. And I think that for what this mythos has become over the course of it's 60+ years of evolution, you can reinterpret the narrative to be a fascinating depiction of a mythos that echo's the abusive family structure.

Copying and Pasting from my Eilistraee Essay:

It is of my opinion that, when you look at the Eilistrae-Vhaeraun Dynamic and how they were treated by Lolth and Corellon, you're looking at a classic Golden Child/Scrape Goat dynamic. This is important to mention here because I do think that's important context within how Eilistraee (the person) see's and understands the world, and where her mind is at when it comes to the perception of her sense of self. To VASTLY oversimplify about how emotionally abusive family structures work by a lot, when you look at emotionally abusive families with siblings, you tend to find a pattern where one child ends up getting the bulk of the favoritism and affection (The golden child), while the other takes the bulk of the abuse and tends to take a of blame and is seen as being deserving of the abuse (The scrapegoat.) I'll get a little bit more into the specifics of what that means for their relationship in a later post.[*] Now. Calling her the Golden Child, but I don't think being the Golden Child is strictly a good thing. In a lot of ways, I think a lot of golden children end up very emotionally stilted, and I think you kind of see that in Eilistraee. She HAS to be the perfect one. And she's had this expectation to be The Good One placed on her shoulders since she was young. Golden Children are often blinded to the abuse their siblings face because they themselves are not subjected to the same kind of abuse.

[*] And well. It's that later post!

In emotionally abusive families, siblings tend to be pitted against eachother, either unintentionally as a result of the Golden Child being the subject of a parents time, attention, resources, and affection, or as a purposeful attempt on the part of a parent to put divides in a family. In the real life world, it is more often the first. I think a lot of people think Abusers are more like Lolth where there's an intentional "I looked at you and from the day you were born decided to make your life hell."

But I would argue the tricky thing about abusive family structures (Especially with parent-child situations), is that more often then not, the abusers love the idea of the person they're abusing. To them, what they're doing is love. It is very rare that an abuser is this knowing evil schemer that actively sits and thinks to themself that "That's my least favorite child, they don't deserve my attention."

(Though, as a small side tangent not immediately related to the fictional character, you might see this logic manifest more in the way finances are weaponized in abuse, especially see in America where college is more expensive and therefore often used as a control tactic. IE; My wonderful son wants to go into STEM, why would I waste money by giving it to my son who wants to do art college. Because people get comically evil about money.)

Instead, emotional abuse is often more insidious. It's... I'm going to put the blame on everything that goes wrong on my son (Who I left in the hands of his physically abusive mother to have his arm constantly bent behind his back by her) I can't bring myself to believe that my daughter would ever want to scheme against me. YOU could have been good once, but you're evil because you're not happy, you're too moody, you're too violent. I'm not even going to give you the chance or the environment to grow, because it's just in your nature to be evil, and because you are evil because you were born evil that all that goes wrong is your fault.

You know. That kind of logic.

So. Eilistraee was Corellon's Golden Child. She was the free spirited happy one. She was the one that loved to hunt and dance. She was the good one.

(But often, when a scrape goat leaves the family, the golden child becomes the new target.

Y'know. Like..

Corellon gave up on the idea of trying to turn his son Vhaeraun to abandon his ways. He vowed to kill Vhaeraun if he ever tried to hurt his sister. Nevertheless, the Masked Lord did threaten the Dark Maiden's life, without known action against him on Corellon's part.

Corellon's servant Solars claimed that, with this act, Eilistraee had exhausted her purpose, because the willing had been saved, and the unwilling cast down as a necessary sacrifice.

The in-story context for this being honestly worse and kind of containing bad racial implications:

“Her soul was destroyed,” Felarathael said solemnly. “But before she died, she saved many. She cleansed the taint from hundreds of drow who might otherwise have been condemned.” “But the rest!” Lashrael wailed. “Thousands! Hundreds of thousands! No hope of redemption for them, with Eilistraee gone. Condemned to darkness and despair, forevermore!” “Another necessary sacrifice,” Felarathael said without a trace of emotion. “Else the game would have been lost.”

This, to me, is the framework of Vhaeraun and Eilistraee's relationship.

Likewise, the Masked Lord nurtures an abiding hatred of Eilistraee. The Dark Maiden always held Corellon's favor more than her hateful brother, and she thwarted Vhaeraun's early efforts to bring all the Ilythiiri (southern, dark-skinned elves) under his sway, enabling Lolth and Ghaunadaur to make great inroads among those who would become the drow.

I'm under the impression that Eilistraee doesn't know Vhaeraun. She has this idea of who he is in her head seemingly both based on the what their father thought of him, and as a result of being an outsider looking at the things he did at the hand of his mother. (And again, let's be clear and establish in this post. That wasn't WHOLLY Lolth. Vhaeraun did play his part. But I don't think Eilistraee see's that, I think she strictly see's an eager climb for power) And then she makes a lot of assumptions about his motivations based on the idea of him she's made in her head that reaffirm that idea.

On the other hand, I think Vhaeraun understands exactly the kind of person his sister is, because it's really not that hard to understand who Eilistraee is. She really does just mean well. While I consider her to be a lot more guarded and lonely then people tend to give her credit for, I don't think she's being insincere with her wants and wishes and you don't have to doubt what her intentions are. Instead, the ways that I think Vhaeraun is often wrong about how well she can handle herself and how strong her allies are by 4e, and what that could mean for drow as a whole. Because he's so willing to discredit her as a threat, he doesn't pay attention to her, and because he doesn't pay attention to her I don't think he realized she'd gotten friendly to people like... Mysta the goddess of magic.

And being realistic, even if he had known, I don't think he understands the weight of her being friendly TO people like Mystra because he himself only ever makes allies, not friends amongst gods.

Now. The reason I capped that whole screenshot above is actually because it contains a very interesting bit of framework that I think proves this. Even back in the 2e source books, the phrasing of these things matters. If it was a matter of Vhaeraun thinking that something was the case, they would have mentioned it. However, the specific way that it's set up in that passage is: "It's not that Vhaeraun thinks Eilistraee's involvement in circumventing his climb to power allowed Lolth and Ghaunadaur to gain power. Her involvement DID allow Lolth and Ghaunadaur to gain power."

And I don't think she's aware of that. But Vhaeraun is.

To further this, we're to copy/paste a passage from Sacrifice of the Widow. Now. This is from the perspective of a Vhaeraun worshiper, and it holds as much bias as Eilistraee's priestesses have towards him. But. Because it correlates with metatextual information we have from all the way back in 1998, I'm inclined to say it's not a full dishonesty, just a biased truth.

The dance might have been beautiful, had it not been a violation of the sacred order. Had Eilistraee not interfered, Vhaeraun might have united all of the darkelves under a single deity millennia ago, but Eilistraee had proved as greedy as Lolth and had stolen the females away from the Masked Lord’s worship. She’d taught them to exclude males from her circle, to subjugate and revile them instead. Vhaeraun’s followers had learned a bitter lesson. Females could not be trusted.

Compare this to how Eilistraee speaks of Vhaeraun's influence in Evermeet: Island of the Elves.

Like... Eilistaee. There are bigger threats out there than your brother But. She's so blinded by her history with him that she can only ever see her brothers influence is a bloodstain on the land.

As I mentioned in my other post, I think Eilistraee is a biased narrator in this scene. I don't think Vhaeraun wants his sister to die for the crime of existing. I think his feelings on his sister are way more complicated than his feelings on either of his parents. And we know when Vhaeraun explicitly wants someone dead, because the text would have told us that.

...

So, to understand Vhaeraun and Eilistraee's relationship, I do think we need to talk about The Masked Lady.

Given how much of DnD is oral tradition and people building on concepts that the games give to us, I think people feel more comfortable engaging with some of these things through the wiki and building off of the idea of the ideas they get from the wiki without searching out the original source. And to be clear, this isn't like, judgement for doing that. Nevermind that the IP is older than I am twice over, that a lot of old blog posts are only acceptable through niche internet archive links, and that a lot the source books are neither applicable to 5e or still within print. I'M personally guilty of doing it all of the time.

Instead, the point I'm making is because of how the realms is set up and how people engage with DND, not a lot of people know when plot point comes from a source book, a blog post, a prose book, an official magazine, when something was fan-submitted and made canon, or Ed Greens personal twitter/discord. They all kind of merge together to create a collective canon. I think, as a result, a lot of people end up engaging with these concepts with the same amount of abstraction. But the thing about The Masked Lady is that they're like. A book character. This isn't just a concept that was placed out into world abstractly, they're a fully fleshed out character within The Lady Penitent.

This is important to us and our purposes of engaging with these characters on a more transformative level rather than at a dnd table. Being a character, we can look at how they behave and what the actual intent of their portrayal was. And I want to show you a few things, because I have an argument I would like to make given that portrayal.

A voice called to them: a voice that was neither male nor female, but both. A moment later, it became a pool of utter silence. Then song, then silence. Opposites, twined together, yet somehow harmonious. Side by side, the awarenesses that were Kâras and Valdar drifted to the place where the song-silence was coming from. It caught them like leaves and swirled them up toward itself. They drifted in front of an enormous face. Moonlight bathed the face’s upper half in shining radiance; the lower half was shadowed in utter blackness. A glint of blue danced across eyes the color of moonstones. Masked Lord, Kâras asked. Is it you? A feminine laugh rustled the mask. Masked … Lady? he ventured. The chuckle deepened, became male. Hands moved to the blackness that was the deity’s mask. Fingers gripped its edges. Kâras tensed, and felt the eager anticipation of the awareness that was Valdar. The mask lifted. Kâras wept. So did Valdar—and as he did, Kâras saw into the other Nightshadow’s heart. The emotions that had prompted their tears were as different as moonlight from shadow.

“Masked Lord,” Kâras prayed. “Is it your will the breach be opened? Have you—” He hesitated, then forced himself to say it. “Have you allied yourself with the Ancient One?” This time, the god answered. Not in words, but in the distant peal of a hunting horn. That alone wouldn’t have convinced Kâras; it might have been one of the priestesses, signaling the others. But as the horn sounded, a rectangle of darkness with two eyeholes appeared in the air a short distance away, within the tunnel leading to the ruined temple. The bottom of this “mask” fluttered, as if the mouth behind it were lending its breath to the hunting horn’s peal. Dots of angry red blazed where the eyes would have been. That decided it. Kâras wouldn’t run. He’d fight.

===

My argument about The Masked Lady is this: Despite taking a lot of Eilistraee's visage and Churches Iconograpy, When you look at how The Masked Lady behaves in practice I would argue that this isn't actually strictly Eilistraee. The Masked Lady feels like a new character that is both Vhaeraun and Eilistraee..... but also Neither Vhaeraun and Eilistraee. In that strictly esoteric kind of way, by merging their aspects together they've created a new god made of their parts.

And on one hand, you can read some of this as Eilistraee Masquerading as her brother to try and get his church to work with hers, but on an authorial level? I don't know if that was the intent. For one, I don't actually think Eilistraee is good at being manipulative, she's too well intentioned. She'd have fallen apart under the weight of that lie.

Granted, I do think with both of them being in there Eilistraee is more "in control." Vhaeraun is absolutely ""Dead"" in at least some ways. The piece he puts down representing himself is destroyed in the Sava game, Eilistraee ends up with his mask, and Lolth is able to show off his corpse in the astral plane.

But even all of that aside, I'm tapping in both Ed Greenwood's thoughts for this and something from Faiths & Avatars.

(I'm going to copy this summary from the FR wiki page on dead powers because, as always, it's quite good at summarization. But as always, I've double checked Faiths & Avatars to be sure)

Sometimes, the memory and personality of a deity was separated from their power and true form at the moment of their death, typically by the interaction of the magical turbulence of their death with the magic of a powerful relic or artifact into the same area. In such cases, the deity remained awake but imprisoned, in a sense, though vastly uncomfortable with their much-reduced state.

As such, I think during The Masked Lady era, three things were true simultaneously.

There was a part of Vhaeraun that was dead. That's the part of him on the astral plane. And even that part of him seemed to hold mild consciousness. But I also think a part of him was trapped by Mystra in a dream, and another part of him existed simultaneously within his sister creating a new entity as The Masked Lady, in the same way that Eilistraee seemed to both exist as herself AND The Masked Lady separate from herself as she's playing the Sava game. Because these are gods. Their existence does not exist in singularity.

But. Why does this matter to Vhaeraun and Eilistraee's relationship. Why do I think this is an important talking point for them.

Because I think the fact that they exist together implies a level of respect and understanding towards one another. This is not how this would have happened if they truly hated one another. What happened with Vhaeraun and Eilistraee seems closer to what happened with Zandilar the Dancer and Bast (Absorbed and became Sharess) or (Sehanine Moonbow, Aerdrie Faenya, and Hanali Celanil) > (Came together to become Angharradh and notedly, can separate to spent time apart as times have changed.)

This feels like. Notedly different, compared to what happened with (for example) Ulutiu and Auril, where he got entirely subsumed by her.

For a moment, they were one god. And they could have only synergized as one if they understood eachothers intentions well enough to agree to be one.

It's worth noting before I get into this section. Both the idea that Vhaeraun didn't actually die and was put in ⋆ ˚｡⋆⊹❇Mystra's Dream Prison <3 ❇⊹⋆ ˚｡⋆ and that upon returning to life he started working with Eilistraee are not actually ""canon"" to 5e. They are, like many things, Ed Green-ism's that a lot of people (myself included, because I do actually think he's an incredibly creative person with good character building ideas) take as canon. Despite taking it as canon, I think it's worth mentioning that there is no official source material to pull from for these ideas, because unlike the masked lady, these two ideas exist as concepts to be built off of rather than media to be examined.

We can only logic and reason what happened between them and how it's changed their relationship using everything else we have.

Posted from the FR wiki:

"The Grand History of the Realms explicitly says that Vhaeraun's assassination attempt failed and Eilistraee killed him. However, Ed Greenwood suggests that Eilistraee didn't actually kill her brother. The Dark Maiden defeated Vhaeraun with the indirect help of her ally Mystra, as the Weave frustrated the Masked Lord's magic while enhancing Eilistraee's. The goddess temporarily took her brother's portfolio, and trapped his sentience in the Weave, where it was enfolded in a dream by Mystra. The Lady of Mysteries did this to ensure that the two drow siblings would survive the cataclysm that she knew was coming—the Spellplague—in which she would be "killed" to renew the Weave and magic would go wild. After Mystra and the Weave were completely restored in 1487 DR, the goddess of magic could finally give Eilistraee her own lost power and do the same with Vhaeraun, after having awakened him from his dream."

It was one of Ed Greenwood's ideas to have the two deities reach a reciprocal understanding, and to make the personal enmity between them was no more. More to read here

So here's my take on this situation.

I think a lot of people like to paint the "Mystra and Eilistraee put Vhaeraun in Dream Prison" Situation in a very limited light. In the same way Eilistraee tends to get romanticized as a wholly good and Vhaeraun demonized as a firm evil, it tends to get boiled down to the idea that Mystra and Eilistraee managed to convince him to be "Less Evil."

But, I don't know. To accept the Mystra/Eilistraee tag team as something wholly good, you have to also accept the sentiment of Vhaeraun as someone who is evil and needed "fixed," and I don't think that's ever been the case. As I think my multitude of arguments have implied, I have never been under the impression he's an actual evil.

As such, it's always felt little bitter-sweet to me. I think it's more impactful if they just managed to rub off on eachother due to their time spent together as one. I think it was especially a turning point for Eilistraee, given how many changes came to the structure of her church as a result of that merger. She understands why he uses the tactics he does, she understands that what he's doing is coming from a place of (what I would argue) is sincere love for the drow as a whole, and I think she got a little bit more of a nuanced understanding of the uhh Sexism. I also like to think she understood his experiences more, and that his love doesn't come through the same lens as hers.

Likewise, I think Vhaeraun came out of that understanding that he was stretching himself thin. I think that he learned that he NEEDS to be able to rely on others, he NEEDS to start trusting the outside world more. While he's more accepting of drow as they are now, I think his goal has always been to put them back in power to the extent that they were when he had worship from the Ilythiiri. But, thats not the world they live in anymore. Even if he did pull all the drow from the underdark, they could not and would not manage to be that. I think he comes out of The Masked Lady era understanding that to get the drow away from his mother and to coexist is stability in itself. They don't need to rule to be powerful, they just need to coexist.

You know. It's choosing to forgive. We can't change what we were, but we can start this relationship over and grow something new from it. And sometimes, that might be enough.

....

And ALSO I think they had to start getting along, because it really didn't take their churches THAT long to start meshing together when they fused as the masked lady.

At the word “died,” the priestess glanced down at the male. The cleric didn’t look good; his eyes had fully rolled back in his head and his skin was turning gray. Halisstra reached out and lifted the priestess’s chin, forcing her to look away. “It’s only a weak venom,” she lied. “You have plenty of time to heal him. Plenty of time, still.” “Yes,” the priestess repeated softly. “Plenty of time.” Her eyes reminded Halisstra of another priestess who’d succumbed to Halisstra’s bae’qeshel magic, years ago. Seyll had stared just as trustingly into Halisstra’s eyes a heartbeat before Halisstra plunged a sword into her. And yet Seyll had told Halisstra, as she lay dying, that no one was beyond redemption—not even Halisstra. She’d been wrong. This priestess had a wide mouth and creases at the sides of her eyes that could only have come from frequent laughter. The frown of confusion looked out of place on her forehead. The slight bulge of her stomach hinted she might be carrying a child. Halisstra hated her.

Come on guys, The Masked Lady hadn't even existed for half a decade and there was already pregnancies. We don't know what their churches are like 100+ years out. But, for as much as Ed emphasizes the infighting of the churches (And I have no doubt in my heart there ARE factions who refuse to mesh, that's canon to the text) we are inevitably met with 1-2 generations where the combined churches are all that they knew. Vhaeraun and Eilistraee had to work together, because I think as much as they're their own people with thoughts and opinions and experiences, they are also a reflection of their worshipers.

I think, to summarize what I think Vhaeraun and Eilistraee's relationship is like in a few paragraphs

With the way their relationships are described, I think Eilistraee was the golden child and Vhaeraun was the scrapegoat in the earlier parts of their childhood. They become reflections of the parent that favors them, because those were the parents that acted as their main influence. Eilistraee saw Vhaeraun as a reflection of her mothers evil, and Vhaeraun saw Eilistraee as undeserving of the favoritism their father gave her.

This view of eachother was cemented when she followed him to Toril. She saw him and his power as an evil and bloodstain, unhelped when he exiled her (probably out of spite and due to the grudge he had as a result of the earlier years). As such, she worked to undermine the influence he had. And when that allowed their mother and Ghaunadaur to take hold, it was the same kind of evil to her.

Her enabling them to take that power worsened the grudge Vhaeraun had of her, because he knows he isn't the same kind of evil as Lolth or Ghaunadaur, and them having that power worsened things for everyone.

This grudge between them kept itself in the legacy of their churches, all the way until The Masked Lady Era. The Masked Lady era was one where they actually managed to come together for a similar goal. It was the first time they were truly about to understand eachothers motivations, experiences, and perspectives, and the first time that divide between them and their communities truly lessened.

And when they finally came out...? I mean. That's going to change anyone. I think not only their relationship changed, but they sort of managed to change eachother a little.

I don't know. I think their relationship is complicated and messy and such a product of their parents influence on them. There is no forgiving Lolth, and there really shouldn't be forgiving Corellon (though, dnd might disagree with me on that.) But I think theirs one that could eventually heal. Out of all of the relationships in the Dark Seladrine, theirs feels the closest to being one that can be refounded on equal ground and with respect towards one another, especially as drow return to the surface and find more acceptance (even outside of their communities.) Because they are to me, two sides of the same coin.

#Eilistraee #vhaeraun #Character Analysis #Anyway. As an aside #I'm totally willing to completely destroy what I think their dynamic actually is for the sake a good comic bit #Sometimes its funny when vhaeraun gets kicked #I think Vhaeraun does care a little about her even when he's got a thousands year old grudge against her #And I don't think anyone is arguing that Eilistraee doesn't care about Vhaeraun #Shes Saddened by his Selfishness. and I think scared of him #But true hate... nngh.

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biillys · 13 hours ago

Text

hi okay au where neil and susan have a whoopsie baby together and somehow that becomes billy's problem.

(oops this got long. sorry. anyway)

billy and max being like. what the actual fuck is wrong with you? you don't even care about the kids you've got?

susan bluffing her way through some excuses, telling them it'll be a good thing. saying it'll bring them closer together, that they can be a family. a real family.

"well, what the hell are we now then?" max throws back, all attitude.

susan grimacing but continuing on, saying how her and neil are excited to have a baby, that it's something for them all to look forward to.

billy looking warily between her and neil, taking in susan's shaky hands and his dad's complete dismissal to anything being wrong, and forcing himself to take a deep breath. telling himself to tread carefully, that pissing off his dad right now won't do anything.

"you're having a baby," he starts with, his voice even. it comes out as more of a statement than a question.

shit escalating, as it always does.

the conversation ending with him on his feet, an arm thrown wide, neil looking at him like he's ready to throw him into the wall, susan with tears in her eyes, and max shoving his dad's grip off her arm.

thinks, neil can't be responsible for a fucking baby.

susan can barely keep track of the kid she's got.

"i'm not looking after your fucking kid when everything falls to shit."

things moving on, them finding their new normal. everyone ignoring the elephant in the room and pretending nothing's changed.

neil acting like king shit. like he's got it fucking made.

knows, he won't be the one changing diapers or doing late night feeds or rocking the baby to sleep.

he won't be the one actually dealing with the thing.

instead, he'll just get to be proud.

him and susan will be a real married couple with a child that's actually theirs, and he'll have a wife that can do all the work and won't fight him at every turn.

he'll get the perfect kid.

the kid of dreams.

a child that looks up to him and respects him.

he'll raise them right.

the second trimester starting. reality starting to hit.

changing tables, cribs, strollers, diapers, and clothing costs being so much more than when billy and max were born, and it taking no time for neil to start pulling his hair out over the price of things.

one trip to the local baby shop has him kicked out after yelling at a staff member and demanding to see their manager while susan stands beside him, red faced and barely holding herself together, clutching her handbag close and doing her best to calm him down as they get escorted out.

billy and max watching the trainwreck slowly unfold, listening on as neil rants and raves about how how hard he has it, being the sole provider for an ungrateful family.

them trying to figure out how all of this is going to settle when everything inevitably falls into chaos.

billy hinting at moving out.

max punching him in the arm, glaring at him when he tries to reason that he's eighteen now–he can leave.

"we're meant to be a team now, asshole," she bitches back, thinking up three different ways to murder him if he abandons her in this shithole alone.

billy rolling his eyes.

susan getting classed as high risk due to her age and a few complications. running a few extra tests and taking a few extra precautions, then finally hitting the 20 week mark. getting a rough idea of the sex.

the nurse stressing that she can't get a clear look, the baby being as active as ever, and therefore can't make any official announcements, but neil disregarding her and turning to susan, proud as hell.

they're going to have a daughter.

"at least it's not a boy–" neil says, voice relaxed, digging into his dinner that night. "–after my last screw up of a son."

billy grinding his jaw.

neil looking over at susan, completely oblivious, an easy smile on his face. "we're going to have a real daughter."

both billy and max sitting there and looking at each other like you hearin' this shit?

susan staring a hole into her dinner.

neil going on, saying how he might finally get a child he can talk about, a child that he can mention to his co-workers and not have them look at him with judgment in their eyes, everyone in town knowing the name billy hargrove, and max starting to make a name for herself the older and more rebellious she gets.

the third trimester coming in swinging and neil enlisting billy's help to go pick up some secondhand furniture.

turning to him during the car ride and clasping a hand on his shoulder, telling him he's old enough now to go out on his own. that it's time for him to move out. that he can't rely on him and susan forever.

billy being pissed.

"are you kicking me out right now?"

neil saying some bullshit about how it's time for him to grow up. to learn self-reliance.

billy laughing, but it's harsh. "you need room for the fucking baby, don't bullshit yourself."

billy moving out, him and heather renting a place together a few blocks over. max being pissed as fuck.

billy letting her pick out the secondhand couch, telling her to make sure it's comfortable 'cause that's where she'll be sleeping when she crashes there.

the baby coming, and it being a boy.

a son.

neil walking out into the waiting room, face blank, looking at his two eldest kids–pissed. billy and max turning to each other like oh fuck. this kid's been in the world five minutes and they're already on neil's bad side.

susan and neil having only been prepared for a girl, from the name to the clothes to the painted nursery walls.

max holding the baby awkwardly in her arms while susan cries and neil stands off to the side, arms folded and face tight.

billy trying to get the fuck out of dodge before he has to either hold the kid or deal with his dad losing it. offering to go home and re-paint the nursery. blue or some shit. try and find some pink-free onsies and singlets and socks to bring to the hospital.

max jumping in and saying she'll help, trying to pass the baby back to her mom.

susan looking at billy with tears in her eyes, lifting the baby towards him. "don't you want to meet your brother?"

billy being awkward as fuck about it, trying to make excuses. "the paint–the fumes. should get on that so that we can air the room out–"

"meet your brother, son," neil cuts in, clearing his throat and stepping forward.

billy picking up the baby in the most awkward way possible, struggling to hold him right. the baby wailing the second he touches them.

susan sniffling, saying he's probably just hungry, then moving to adjust her hospital gown and blanket. billy taking one look at her getting her chest out and basically throwing the baby at her, half out the door.

"jesus, fuck–let's go," he says, grabbing max's arm on the way out.

repainting the nursery and sorting through baby shit with heather and el's help. finding receipts to see what can be returned and exchanged, and which things they'll just have to make do with.

susan deciding to name the baby andrew, taking neil's middle name. neil softening a bit at having a namesake.

billy and max screwing their nose up at the choice and deciding the poor kid's already suffering enough, with having neil for a dad and all, and he probably doesn't need to be named after him, too.

testing out nicknames and eventually landing on AJ.

neil fucking hating it.

susan trying to be positive, saying she thinks it's nice that the kids already have a nickname for him.

susan and the baby coming home from hospital and reality hitting for real.

neil never lifting a finger, and susan doing her best to keep the household running. putting dinner on the table, keeping up with the washing, making sure the house is clean enough that neil doesn't trip over any baby toys, looking after a newborn, as well as trying to recover and look after herself.

fucking exhausting herself.

billy coming around for weekly dinner's after max twists his arm into it, claiming he owes her for leaving her in that nightmare house alone.

neil being surprisingly supportive of the idea, because for some reason, he's been suspiciously chill with him since he moved out, like a little bit of growing up and a whole lot of distance was all they needed to not be at each others throats.

billy sitting at the kitchen table and watching susan plate up neil's dinner, a crying baby craddled in her free arm, looking close to collapsing. raising an eyebrow at max.

"all week?" he mouths.

"all week," max nods, confirming.

AJ being a high maintenance baby. barely sleeping through the night, and being fussy as fuck when it comes to feeding. crying most of the time, and hating being put down. clingy as hell.

billy and max watch on one night like. damn, he's a brave little fucker, screaming his way through neil's nightly beer.

neil glaring at susan from his seat on the couch then giving her a look. susan doing her best to calm AJ down.

max crashing at billy and heather's more often than not, not wanting to deal with the chaos at home. neil making snide comments about it, saying she should be helping her mother out and looking after her brother.

max throwing back in his face that maybe he should get off his fucking ass and help his wife out and look after his kid.

billy watching the fight break out and grabbing her before it escalates, dragging her into his car, making up some excuse about her crashing at his again tonight.

the four of them sitting down for dinner when AJ's almost 12 weeks old, him napping in his bassinet for once. susan managing to get two bites in before he wakes up, crying.

max offering to go get him but neil telling her AJ's fine. that he needs to learn how to self-soothe.

susan swallowing silently before quietly explaining that he's too young to self-soothe, that he needs to be checked on. pushing her dinner away and going to get him.

billy thinking about how he hasn't seen susan eat more than four bites of dinner before having to go deal with AJ since they came home from hospital.

pushing himself up and telling her to sit, that he'll go check on AJ while she eats

neil stopping him, telling him to sit. that susan's got it.

billy ignoring him, saying some shit about having had a late lunch anyway.

susan looking at him with so much fucking relief. collapsing back into her seat and finishing a still warm meal for once.

billy going out to check on AJ, craddling him in his arms the way susan's taught him, and AJ actually calming slightly.

max living at billy's and heather's basically full time, claiming she needs the peace and quiet to focus on her school work if she wants to get into college.

she has her couch, a spot at the table, and her own key.

it's basically home now.

susan covering for her whenever neil gets shitty about it, no matter how overwhelming it feels.

knows having a baby was a mistake, no matter how many times she tries to convince herself otherwise.

she's just glad max has somewhere to go. knows for as much as her and billy don't really get along, they usually can mostly agree on max.

billy offering, one day, when susan looks like she's at her limit, to watch AJ for an hour or two. give her a break.

neil dismissing him, saying susan's got it handled.

susan looking at billy like she's begging him to ignore his dad, just this once.

billy doubling down, saying he'll grab the stroller and take AJ down to the park for a while. get him out of the house. smirks and says chicks dig a guy with a baby.

max snorting. "what, you trying to pick up hot single mom's in your area? you gonna be the step dad, or the dad that stepped up?"

billy flipping her off, telling her to go fuck herself.

it becoming a thing–billy babysitting.

it starting with just some local park trips, some walks around the block. sometimes just hanging out with AJ in the living room while susan catches a 45 minute nap. then it grows to taking him for the day, bringing AJ to his and heather's apartment. AJ staying for dinner. buying baby supplies for their apartment. a high chair. a boomerang pillow for the couch. toys. diapers. a baby towel with a hood.

heather turning to him one night, AJ crawling over her lap while she finishes her homemade margarita. "when you asked me to move out with you, this isn't what i thought it'd be like."

billy feeling guilty, like he's fucking up her life, bringing down the vibe with a baby and a moody teenager.

heather rolling her eyes. "chill. max is badass. AJ's cute when he's sleeping. i'd take this over college any day."

susan and neil having a fight one night, billy and max watching on while AJ screams in susan's arms.

max taking him while billy starts cleaning up the kitchen.

neil storming off to their room while susan stands in the kitchen, crying.

it being awkward as fuck.

max looking at billy like fix it.

billy looking at her right back like what the fuck am i gonna do?

max shrugging but sticking out AJ who's propped on her hip a bit, like i've got the crying baby, so you deal with the crying adult.

billy glaring at her before turning to susan.

"are you, like, okay and shit?"

susan trying to pull herself together. crying harder.

"yeah, neil has that effect of people," billy says plainly, turning back to the dishes.

offering to take AJ for a little bit, and susan perking up, clearing her eyes. asking timidly if billy could take him for the night.

billy trying to get out of it, making every excuse he can think of. he doesn't have the space or the bottles or formula, doesn't know his night routine. can't take him for that long without her being there to swoop in if he loses it.

susan handwaving every single one. taking AJ from max's arms and taking him over to billy.

"i really can't," he says, voice resigned. knows it's already a lost battle.

"i trust you, billy. please."

billy running a hand down his face, sighing. "if i'm taking AJ for the night, i'm dragging max into this too."

susan agreeing. packing a baby bag and walking them all out. standing on the front porch and watching on as they pull away.

AJ staying at billy's overnight becoming a regular occurence after that, susan almost a shell of herself these days, and neil too in denial to admit his family's a broken mess.

AJ turning one. being cared for by billy more often than not, max too.

billy not even knowing how this became his life. he had plans. he was gonna go places. sure, college was never in the cards for him, but he was meant to go back to california. to go home.

but, he's still here.

hating himself for it.

months passing.

billy dropping max off at school one morning then heading to his dad's and susans, ready to drop AJ off after having him for two nights. eyeing neil's car in the driveway, finding susan's little town car nowhere in sight. pushing down the sinking feeling that starts to grow and grabbing AJ from the backseat, as well as the baby bag.

walking in and seeing neil sitting in his chair.

"why aren't you at work?"

neil not answering, taking a swig of his beer.

billy checking the time. 8:47am.

putting AJ down.

AJ crawling around, looking for his mom.

"where's susan?" billy tries, eyeing the rest of the house.

neil taking another drink.

"dad, where the hell's susan?" he tries again, leaning down to pick AJ up when he crawls back and sniffles, upset.

"gone," neil finally answers, staring at the blank tv. "she left."

"what the hell do you mean 'she left'?" billy asks lowly, bouncing AJ on his hip.

susan walking out, not being able to handle it anymore.

neil, a baby, a distant daughter, a mess of a step-son.

she can't. can't deal with the weight of it all.

billy losing his shit, telling neil to get her back. doesn't care how or why, just as long as it happens.

"fucking find her then, okay? i've got a job and a life, and i'm sure as hell not raising your fucking kid," he pushes out, feeling hot. can already feel the situation spiraling out of control and he's only been stuck in it for five minutes. "get your shit together and find susan, or figure out real quick what it takes to be a dad. your choice."

taking the day off work so neil can sober up and get himself together.

trying to figure out the max of it all. judging by the lack of teenage tantrum or phonecall, she probably doesn't even know her mom's bailed yet.

going to neil's first thing the next morning and asking if there's any word.

neil saying she took all her things and cleared out half their bank account, but there's no note, and the only family member he could get a hold of told him to stay out of their lives before hanging up.

"if you don't get susan back, then it's on you to tell max, 'cause i'm sure as fuck not telling her her mom split."

max reading the room as soon as she walks in that night, asking what happened.

"where's mom?"

neil trying to keep his shit together. doing a shit job of it.

billy taking over, remembering how badly his dad handled telling him his own mom had walked out all those years ago. figures max doesn't need to hear whatever pathetic excuses neil tries to bullshit.

max going silent. mad. blaming them both. searching her room that she barely sleeps in anymore for a note or a clue. anything her mom could've left her. finding nothing. yelling about it until she exhausts herself, then stomping off to billy's car and throwing herself in the front seat.

billy following shortly after, clicking AJ into his carseat in the back before driving them all back to his and heather's.

max refusing to speak to him the entire drive.

billy giving her space. half 'cause he thinks she needs it, half 'cause he has a million other things on his mind, mainly AJ, and he doesn't have the brain capacity to deal with her newfound abandonment issues.

going to his dad's the next morning with AJ to drop him off.

neil saying he can't look after him, he has work.

billy laughing. "tough. you had 48 hours to sort out childcare. figure it out."

walking out and closing the front door behind him. having a panic attack.

there is not a single world in which his dad should be looking after a baby by himself. he'll probably kill it. and now billy's just going to leave him alone with one? to prove a point?

forcing himself to walk away and go to work.

being unable to stop thinking about what could be going wrong.

caving on his lunch break and driving to neil's.

finding them both a mess, AJ red faced and screaming, completely out of sorts, and neil looking beside himself, so far out of his depth it's almost a joke.

grabbing AJ and calming him down with some formula and his favourite toy, then turning to his dad. telling him that they're going to take it a few hours at a time until everyone adjusts, for AJ's sake, but that he's going to have to step up and learn how to be a dad soon, 'cause he's not raising his brother.

it being a slow process and neil never becoming father of the year, but he finds a daycare and works out how to use formula.

billy still looks after AJ more often than not, but neil's no longer completely incapable.

max coming around slightly, still the same as always with AJ, and at least talking to billy. her barely acknowledging neil, though.

moving into billy's unofficially.

billy giving up and switching rooms with her, giving her his room 'cause he's up most nights with AJ anyway, and the lounge room's closer to the kitchen than the bedroom.

things slowly getting tenser as weeks pass, neil's mood building.

max in her last year of school, AJ just over a year old, and billy being pulled in what feels like a million different directions. trying to figure out his future.

neil constantly complaining about how much time he wastes looking after AJ. how he can't do anything without him screaming or crying or getting sooky or whiny.

billy ignoring it, telling himself as long as AJ has a roof over his head and is getting fed and clothed and cared for, then everything's fine. it's not like his dad's going to snap at a baby.

more weeks passing, neil losing his patience with AJ more and more.

billy watching on and feeling sick, but being so fucking stubborn. AJ's not his responsibility, neil can dad the fuck up and get over it. he's not cancelling his plans or moving his work shifts or asking max to babysit just so neil can watch the game in peace. fuck that.

leaving AJ with neil despite his uneasiness, telling himself that nothing bad's going to happen.

heading over to pick up AJ one afternoon and neil being in a foul mood.

walking in and the air being tense. making his way to the kitchen to find AJ in his high chair, neil trying to feed him.

AJ not having it and pushing the spoon away, crocodile tears running down his cheeks.

neil yelling at him to eat the damn food. that if he doesn't eat it, he won't get fed.

AJ crying harder.

billy stepping in, trying to make peace.

AJ seeing him and instantly reaching out for him, borderline inconsolable.

neil snapping, losing his temper and going on about how he's the dad, he's the one putting food on the table and a roof over his head, he's the one sacrificing his time to look after him, and yet all AJ wants is billy. grabbing the high chair by the sides and slamming it repeatedly before once last final push, then shoving it over harshly.

the highchair going over sideways, AJ in it but not strapped in properly.

the kitchen falling silent, AJ finally having stopped screaming, out cold, and billy staring at his dad in shock.

neil looking at him right back, like he doesn't even know what happened.

billy unfreezing, running to AJ to check on him.

rushing AJ to hospital, getting him checked out professionally.

minor bruising but no obvious damage. a hard knock to the head. the hospital wanting to keep him over night for observation. asking billy what happened.

billy stumbling. not knowing what to say.

if he tells the truth, then what the fuck's gonna happen?

are the authorities going to take neil away? take AJ away? will it even be enough for the authorities to step in? or will it just make everything more complicated.

thinks, if he lies though, what if it happens again? what if it's worse next time? what if he's not there to step in and get AJ out?

floundering. can't think under pressure.

"i don't–i don't know," he says, staring at the nurse helplessly. feels the weight of his entire fucking childhood on his shoulders.

authorities getting called because of the suspicious injuries, chief hopper coming to talk to him.

billy being unable to look him in the eye, doing his best to forget the last time chief hopper tried to talk to him; that time after max snuck out when she was grounded and got caught sneaking back in, earning herself an earful and a punishment, bruises noticeable enough for el and the chief to take interest.

"i can't do much if neither of you talk, kid," he'd said that time, max sitting stone faced beside him, pissed off at the how big of a deal everyone was making things out to be.

"i need you to talk, billy, for both of them," he says this time, AJ basically drowning in his hospital bed surrounded by machines and beeping and white blankets, max holding his hand from the seat beside him.

billy swallows roughly, wishing he could. can feel the words on the tip of his tongue, but he's spent nineteen years keeping his mouth shut, and he can't bring himself to break now.

he lets the silence hang for a few minutes longer before finally breathing out. "i don't know."

ignores the chief as he lets out a sigh. walks away instead, pulling up a seat next to max instead, them both watching AJ's chest rise and fall.

does his best to match his breath, and pretends to not notice the chief walking out of the room.

AJ getting released from hospital the next morning, neil showing up to sign him out.

billy taking AJ and buckling him into his car before turning to his dad, having come to a decision during the night.

he might not be brave enough to slay their monsters, but he can hide from them. make sure their monsters never touch or hurt or see them ever again.

it feels like the cowards way out, but he's already accepted that about himself. that he's a fucking pussy, and pathetic, and so so scared of things that no one else in the world seems to bat an eye at.

"AJ and max stay with me," he starts, voice stronger than he feels.

max stands beside him and looks at neil like she could kill him, and billy's so fucking grateful she hasn't bailed yet.

"you don't talk to them, you don't go near them, you don't get to fucking see them. just keep paying the daycare fee's and send me some cash for groceries, and that's it. you're done."

neil swallowing. not saying a word.

"you stay out of our lives and we'll stay out of yours. just pay the fucking bills. i'll take care of everything else."

neil remaining silent. not fighting him.

billy tapping max on the arm as he turns, them both getting into the car. driving away.

shit getting hectic. billy feeling in over his head. max breaking her silence on the situation two days later.

"teenage fatherhood was a wild choice," she comments, feeding AJ on her lap.

billy stopping mid-wash at the sink, dropping the plastic kids cup back into the water.

"yeah, well," he picks the cup back up, washing it more forcefully this time. "what else did you want me to do?"

max staying, saying she's taking a gap year before college, knowing full well there's no money to send her there. her picking up a part time job at the local chinese takeaway shop, and bringing home free leftovers after every shift.

it being rough, with plenty of fuck up's happening along the way. some nights he lies awake and thinks about all the what if's.

what if susan never left? what if she gave AJ up for adoption? what if she got the fucking abortion he begged her to get? what if he talked to chief hopper? what if he packed them all up and moved them back to california? what if he's fucking up all their lives more than neil and susan ever could?

thinks, this isn't what he wanted. he never asked for this.

he's drowning in bills, he's fucking up heather's college years, he doesn't know what the fuck's going on with max. doesn't know what's causing the rash covering AJ's back and why he cries so much, why he can never sleep through the night.

feels like he's got no control over anything in his life anymore.

has a breakdown by the time AJ's eighteen months old, almost twenty years old himself. pulls himself together enough to realise he can either get over himself and accept the direction his life's taken and work with what he's got, or continue feeling sorry for himself and how everything always seems to go wrong, no matter how hard he tries, and be stuck in his own personal pity party for the rest of time.

becoming friends with karen wheeler and sue sinclair, asking for help and advice with AJ.

them telling him that maybe he should get him checked out, get professional medical attention. test, don't guess. them saying toddlers are usually a bit better about sleeping by now, and that the rash that won't go away is worrying.

billy admitting he's too anxious to take him for a check up, for custody reasons. neil might be out of the picture and susan may have bailed, but he still doesn't have any legal rights over AJ.

AJ getting worse, and billy finally fucking caving.

rocking up on neil's doorstep with some papers, telling him to sign.

neil dragging his feet, even though he hasn't seen his kids in months.

billy refusing to leave without the papers signed.

neil signing them, but not without a fight.

wiping away the blood dripping from his nose as his pen glides over the dotted line, billy shaking his hand out then stretching out his neck, it feeling bruised after his dad's roughing up.

finally getting some sort of partial custody.

taking AJ to the doctors. finding out he's got allergies and food intolerances a mile long and is just generally a sensitive kid, inside and out.

spending the next few months sorting that out, AJ finally starting to sleep better, his mood improving. the rash starting to clear. starting to feel like things might actually be okay.

AJ turning two, growing into a completely different kid. happy and easy going and full of energy, talking up a storm.

max officially done with school, getting a second part time job at the mall with el. billy working hours at the local mechanic, trying to keep up with everything.

finding their new normal.

the years passing. max moving to california with el, the boys having left for college years ago. heather moving out, deciding to go get a degree. billy finding a smaller apartment for him and AJ but staying in hawkins, 'cause thats all he can afford.

being twenty three, AJ in preschool. settled into their life, starting to see a blurry future.

finally having saved up some money and deciding–fuck it. planning a move back to california, timing it so that they'll be there in time for AJ to start kindergarten.

packing slowly, getting all their shit together, finding a place twenty minutes away from max.

susan walking back into their lives two weeks before the big move.

her saying she's ready to be a mom now. that she's sorry for all the hurt and pain she might've caused, but she's better now. she's got herself sorted. she's ready.

billy staring at her in shock, hand clutching the front door handle still. "are you fucking serious?"

susan staring at him, not saying a word but not leaving.

"you seriously think it's that simple? that you just walk back in and i hand him over? that everything's fine?"

susan hesitating, but pushing her way inside the house. putting her bag down. "i'll never be able to thank you enough for everything you've done, billy, but i've got it from here. you can go back to your life now."

billy telling her to get the hell out of his house.

susan refusing to leave.

shit escalating, AJ crying when susan tries to pull him behind her.

the chief getting called.

shit being rough for a few days, but once the paperwork comes back and its discovered only neil signed the papers to give billy custody, not susan, the law rules in her favour.

billy trying to fight it, but it feeling like every person he talks to tells him to think about it—to really think about it. that going through with fighting susan for custody when she's AJ's actual mother, and seems to have got herself together, could do more harm than good.

a laywer asking him if he's really ready to be a full time guardian for the next fourteen years. asking if he's ready to put AJ through school, raise him to teenagehood, and everything in between and after.

if he's ready to put his life on hold until he's in his thirties, at the earliest.

billy hesitating. he thought he was ready 'cause there was never any other option, but now susan's back and everyone's telling him to step away, then maybe he should.

thinks, maybe the bad feeling that sits permanently in the pit of his stomach is just a part of him. maybe the way his chest seizes and squeezes–the way it feels like he's choking–whenever something to do with the parental figures in his life happens, is just something that he'll never grow out of.

maybe, he needs to learn how to let go, and trust that susan is better.

thinks, AJ got lucky, and his mom may have left, but she also came back, unlike his own.

maybe, he's just got massive fucking trust and abandonment issues.

having AJ one last night, AJ crying the whole time, asking why he has to go. why can't they stay together. why can't they move to california anymore and go to the beach. why can't he learn how to surf.

why does billy have to break his promise.

billy feeling like utter shit. can't handle AJ crying that well, especially since it's his fault. telling AJ it's for the best. that it's better to have a mom with her shit together than a brother who's just scraping by. that it might suck for a while, but it'll be so much better soon. just wait.

dropping AJ off at susan's the next morning, fucking sick to his stomach. comforts himself with the fact he'll at least get to see AJ again, he just won't have to be his legal guardian anymore. he'll be responsibilty free.

giving susan the rundown on everything. AJ's routine, his allergies, his favourite show, songs he loves, his favourite shirt, all his quirks.

susan nodding and agreeing, looking slightly overwhelmed but doing her best.

it coming time to say goodbye. AJ crying, billy trying not to.

AJ making him promise to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that.

billy promising.

susan walking billy out, telling AJ to stay inside where it's warm. standing on the front porch with billy, and billy turning to her. checking, then checking again, that she's got this. telling her he's happy to take AJ for a few more nights while they both get to know each other again, if that's easier.

susan shaking her head. saying thank you again.

billy turning to leave.

susan waiting til he's down the front steps before speaking up again.

"i think it's best if we go no contact for a little bit," she breaks, face timid but voice strong. "just until he adjusts, and starts seeing me as his mom again."

"what the hell do you mean 'no contact'?" billy grits out as he turns on his foot, doing his best to keep the volume down. "i just fucking promised him–"

"i know–i know, billy," she tries, wringing her hands tight, "but it's already confusing enough for him. it's just for a little while until he adjusts–"

"he's only confused 'cause you fucking split–"

"you need to leave, billy, "she cuts him off. "i'll contact you when we're ready to see you again."

billy leaving that night, spiraling. going around in circles on whether to fight her–fight for AJ, or listen. has a million different voices in his head saying a million different things.

feels like his fucking mom whenever he thinks about walking away without a fight, but doesn't know how to stay when susan won't have him, and when the nagging voices in his head tell him he'll just fuck AJ up more by staying and fighting and causing a custody war, instead of just leaving peacefully.

walking away.

tells himself AJ's got his mom back, and susan'll give him everything that he couldn't. that a kid needs their parents–their mother–and not just some fuck up older brother who struggles to make ends meet.

fucking hating himself for it, but the more days that pass where he doesn't see AJ, the more he convinces himself it was the right choice.

moving back to california.

susan trying.

doing her best to settle back into town, but knows every single person in hawkins is judging her, everyone knowing exactly what she did all those years ago–abandoning her kids and leaving them for her step-son to raise. can feel the judgement almost drowning her every time she steps foot outside the house.

AJ adjusting, but it's not smooth and it's not quick.

he's miserable about it, stuck in a situation that he's too young to get out of but old enough to know is wrong. cries himself to sleep most nights and begs susan to ask billy to come pick him up, or even for max to come get him.

susan telling him that they're busy now, that they've moved too far away, but that she's his mom, and they're a team, and she can help him and do things with him. that billy and max have their own lives to live now, but that means her and him can finally spend time together again.

AJ torn between being mad; thinking billy broke all his promises and left without even saying goodbye, telling himself he never wants to see him again; and being so fucking heartbroken and sad, wishing on every single star that billy or max would come back, even just once, so they could be a happy family again.

weeks passing, them finding a routine. susan trying to stick with it, putting the effort it. learning all of AJ's favourite meals, figuring out what he can and can't eat, which brands of laundry detergent he can wear and what brands she can actually afford. learn his favourite bedtimes stories, and figure out what makes him laugh.

it being hard. AJ not giving her much.

telling herself to get over it. that she's the one who left, causing the rift between them in the first place, so that means it's up to her to patch it up.

every day feeling harder and harder.

susan reaching out to max now that she's got AJ back and he's settled a bit, not asking after his older siblings every day.

max actually answering, only to ask to speak with AJ, then hanging up on her once she and AJ finish talking. barely acknowledging her.

susan trying to take it in her stride. knows for as much as she's messed up with AJ, what she did to max is always going to feel heavier. bigger. knows there's a chance max might never forgive her.

billy losing himself in the party and music scene in californa. getting a shitty part time job and joining a shitty band. drinking himself into oblivion, experimenting with harder drugs. barely sober.

his first year back in california being rough.

AJ turning six, and susan struggling. finding motherhood fucking hard to do alone.

it costs so much, and AJ's so emotional, constantly on a hair trigger about everything, and it's exhausting, trying to keep up with everything without a single break or helping hand.

she tries, though. she checks all his food labels and buys the products labelled for sensitive skin. she listens to him when he's upset and crying, and does her best to make him feel better. she tries to help him make friends at school, inviting everyone in the class to his birthday party and giving out party bags to each kid, even when AJ spends most of the party playing by himself in his room, all the other kids running around having fun together elsewhere.

suddenly, it's too much.

knows she's about to make a mistake–that it's wrong, but can't bring herself to stop.

finds her way back to cherry lane, AJ's hand grasped tight within her own, a packed bag for both of them by their sides.

neil opening the door and welcoming them home.

max and AJ talking on the phone twice a week, minimum. her telling AJ that billy misses him and asks about him, that he would be there if he could. checking in with him and asking if he's okay, making sure he knows he can come to her for anything.

AJ wanting to ask her for help, bursting into tears the first few times they talk on the phone, but susan told him he's not allowed to tell max where they live now, told him he's not allowed to mention neil at all, so, he keeps it quiet, and hopes that max just comes back and rescues him anyway.

max giving billy 'AJ updates' after every phone call, even when he tells her to stop. that he doesn't want to hear it.

telling him that AJ sounds miserable. billy bitching back, the fuck do you want me to do about it.

"you know, the only thing you did that was stupider than taking AJ in, was giving him up."

billy hanging up on her, then not picking up for at least a month.

AJ going from a happy kid, back when billy looked after him, to an anxious mess, trying to live with susan, to scared, now that he lives with neil.

doesn't remember neil exactly, but knows he's a bad person. can remember billy and max saying bad things about him, and knows there was a reason they didn't see him before.

neil getting comfortable, having susan come crawling back to him and having a son again, even if AJ is soft.

instantly falling back into how it used to be, now that he has a wife to do all the house work and a son to toughen up. thinks, if he squints and ignores the red hair, it's almost like he's raising billy again.

tells himself he's not gonna fuck it up this time. that this time, he'll get it right. that he'll make something good, something worth being proud of, out of AJ yet.

starts by telling susan to stop catering to all his allergy bullshit. that the kid can eat the same food as the rest of them, or he can starve. a little rash won't kill him, and everybody gets stomach pain. it's apart of life. puts a stop to buying him sensitive skin products as well, and tells him he's old enough to sleep with the lights off. that there's no more bedtime stories. no more getting tucked in. no more sitting out of sports. that it's time for him to grow up and toughen up. that he's turning seven soon, so it's time to act like it.

AJ getting quieter as the days pass, and before susan knows it, he barely speaks. responds to neil when neil demands it, and talks enough to answer questions when directly asked, but he doesn't cry anymore, doesn't ask to go to california, or to call billy. doesn't even beg for a bedtime story anymore. the only time susan hears him talk is when he's on the phone to max, and even then, he just sounds depressed.

thinks, not for the first time, that maybe this was a mistake.

watches the way AJ looks at neil, like he's waiting for his own father to attack him, and wonders, if she called billy, would he come back.

billy letting his life fall to peices.

max giving him an intervention by year two in california, telling him to get his shit together and sober up. that just 'cause he doesn't have responsibilities anymore, doesn't mean he can throw his life away. to sort himself out.

it being a slow process, but eventually finding his feet and pulling himself together.

trying to get sober and give up alcohol, but falling off the wagon too many times. spiralling into self-blame and self-hatred.

getting back on his feet after every stumble and telling himself he's quitting for real this time, only to give in again a few weeks later.

after a few more months of that, trying a different tactic. instead of giving up cold turkey, giving himself five tokens a year to use. five free passes a year to drink. finding that easier to stick to and keep himself accountable with.

turning twenty seven and feeling like he's got his life back on track.

max officially becoming a professional tattoo artist. re-connecting with lucas after they went their separate ways after graduation.

heather moving in with billy again, calling him up after dropping out of her third college course attempt. billy telling her his spare room is always free for her.

things looking up.

neil trying to get AJ to join a sports team, and AJ actually fighting back. saying he doesn't want to. that he hates sports. them both digging their heels in, refusing to budge.

susan closing her eyes when neil starts using physical force, trying to get him to cave. to give in.

swallowing her pride and finally dialling the number she's got saved in her phone under a bullshit name, knowing what she has to do, if she ever wants her kids to be happy.

telling herself that just a visit could help fix things. that maybe if they just see each other, become apart of each others lives again, then maybe things will be better.

billy answering the phone and hearing susans voice. freezing.

getting pissed.

every time he feels like he's got his life back on track, it feels like it goes spiralling.

not being able to say no, though, when susan asks to meet up, 'cause he fucking misses that kid.

deciding to meet on neutral ground, him not wanting susan in his life any more than necessary, and susan just doing her best to keep things amicable.

her travelling to california, telling neil she's taking AJ to meet her sister, AJ's aunt. telling AJ the same thing, deciding it might be a nice surprise.

can still hear him continuously talking about everything billy promised him all those years ago.

meeting up with billy and max at a small cafe, AJ running straight up to billy the second he catches sight of him, having never forgot about him. only letting go of billy for a few minutes to cling to max just as tight before attaching himself to billy's side.

susan slowing walking over, watching them reunite.

them all sitting down, it being awkward as fuck.

billy having a lot of feelings about susan, and all of them being negative. trying to be civil though, for AJ's sake. max barely on speaking terms with her herself.

billy, max, and AJ being their own little team, like they always have been.

susan watching on, realising no matter how hard she tries, she'll never be a part of that. can't figure out if she regrets bringing AJ out here or not.

her ordering for AJ, trying to ignore the fact that her kids would be fine without her in their lives.

billy raising an eyebrow at her. "did he grow out of his allergies?"

susan not looking at him, instead running a hand over AJ's hair.

"they were never that severe anyway," she murmurs quietly, AJ twisting away from her touch.

billy catching sight of a rash peaking out of AJ's shirt.

"are you fucking kidding me?"

dragging susan off to the side, pissed.

susan trying to dismiss him, saying something about how some kids are just picky eaters. you can't just give in every time they say they don't like something.

billy being speechless for a minute, before his anger takes over. "i took him to the motherfucking doctor. they gave him scratch tests. took his fucking blood. he was miserable for weeks. months. but he got better, because i fucking listened."

susan not looking at him, repeating the words neil's said to her so often now. "it's barely a rash. he's fine. let's just sit down for a nice lunch."

lunch ending, AJ begging to go with billy and max, and susan dragging him back to her car, him completely miserable, staring back at his older siblings with tears running down his face the entire time.

billy and max ranting the whole drive back to max's, them both pissed beyond belief.

billy bringing out one of tokens to use and max opening up her liquor cabinet.

getting shitfaced.

susan and AJ being in town for a few days, and max being stuck being the one making the plans 'casue billy refuses to talk to susan.

billy finally getting to show AJ the ocean. max taking him on a tour of her favourite places growing up. trying to teach him how to skate. AJ being terrified. billy having to hold his hands while max shows him the movements. AJ having absolutely no coordination or balance or center of gravity whatsoever.

day three, more of the same, going back to the beach, then letting AJ scooter down the beach walk.

susan standing back and watching, that neverending feeling of overwhelmingness hitting her. she's always been in over her head, jumping from relationship to relationship. having a child to try fix things, only for things to get worse. always chosing the cowards way out when things get too much.

realises, like a slap to the face, she's gonna choose the cowards way out again.

the last day of being there, going to see billy's band do a gig. heading backstage, max meeting her at the back enterence. AJ looking around in awe. clinging to billy the second he sees him.

fading into the background, letting them be the people they've always been without her there.

walking away.

billy not realising susan's not there anymore until later, after he's off stage and both him and max can't find her. thinking maybe she just went back to her hotel.

him and max catching an uber there with AJ.

asking the front desk for her room number, but them saying there's no susan currently staying there. that the last susan they had checked out three hours ago.

it hitting max first, then billy.

susan fucking walked again.

AJ looking up at them, asking them what's wrong.

billy taking him home.

papers getting mailed to him weeks later, dotted lines all signed, full custody to him.

him signing every page.

feeling like he's finally got control of his life again.

AJ crying one night, saying sorry that he's bad. that he doesn't want any more people to go. asking billy if he's gonna leave again.

"kid, no matter how many times things fall to shit, you're always gonna be stuck with me. i'm not going fuckin' anywhere."

#okay i have like 20k of this properly written from like 2022 of like. the first half of this #but. But. then the idea of susan coming BACK and taking aj BACK and billy giving him UP hit me recently and i was like. bro i need it #ofcourse i still want billy to be the one to end up w custody sooooo like.#if the end seems rushed or overly specific it's cos that's new #it's fresh it's recent. the rest of it's been kicking around in my head for literal years. but susan coming back??? god the drama #anyway why don't these american teenagers go to college? becos i'm above that #why would billy take in a baby that's not his responsibility?? cos i want him to #is susan a bad mother??? well she's not a five star mother. but i think she does try. she just.......... falls short a lot #inspirations taken from:#my nephew whos a ranga and sometimes i'm like. hmm AJ #myself and my mother/siblings/neices who all have allergies and heavy food restrictions etc and r sick of rashes and just existing sometime #coworker who does the token system for drinking alcohol. she always saves a token for the work xmas party though and does killer kareoke #and just the general fact that i want to see billy with a kid #and the idea of billy and max basically just. taking control and coming together to look after this kid?????#does this kid grow up with perfect manners and model behaviour??? no. but u know what. he grows up with a lot of love #even if their first word is 'fuck'#also the idea of both billy and and max being like. badass rough Fuck With Me kinda people that ppl are slightly intimadated by #and then there's AJ who's like. scared to walk down steps until he's at least four. and even then he needs to hold someones hand.#and billy and max are like. so he's probably never gonna skateboard or surf or play contact sports.thats fine. we can raise a cautious nerd #m #nqff

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