#And a Spanish robot a tank and a guy have a love triangle

[smilysstuff]

Red vs Blue the show ever of all time, where it shows how soldiers even in opposite sides are only human, and also canonical alien mpreg

[dgknightblue]

Fic idea:

Simmons is the ring bearer for Carolina’s wedding.

Donut decided to pull a Simmons and stab him in the back by using whatever time power he retained from his villain arc.

He sends him into the past near their dear friend wash. Simmons realized he still had the rings and that Carolina will kill them both. Bolth. Shut up Grif.

Simmons finds himself in the custody of the Freelancers. Future Carolina calls him and they are talking casually and without care of who is listening.

The director interrupted as he sees this as proof, they say things not a lot know about.

She tells Simmons to turn the screen so she can:

“You’re not invited to my wedding. I’m uninviting you. You are not good enough to go. North, if you weren’t dead I would invite you to my wedding. Simmons turn me to face Tex. Hi mom. Anyways, when I find Donut- retrieve the rings (and good old Simmons right?) and you, Simmons- I’m going to kill him.”

Then Carolina teases Simmons about the love triangle he’s in with Locus, Wash, and Grif.

“That’s not a love triangle and there is nothing going on between me and any of those guys!”

“Is that why Caboose flirted with you?”

“Carolina, we both know he only said I was cute because he was being nice.”

“…”

“Okay, I know that sounds like I have low self esteem.”

“You do.”

“But I’m telling the truth here. Caboose’s only love interest was Shelia and she was a tank dating Lopez, Red team’s resident Spanish speaking robot.”

“Allegedly dating.”

“…oh god you two are friends, aren’t you?”

“What’s wrong Simmons? Afraid she’ll tell me all the embarrassing things she’s learned when she adopted you onto Blue team? Or gossip she learned from Lopez?”

“Fxck. What kind of shxt does have on me!?”

“I’m not obligated to say. It’s not like you did anything crazy like kissing Wash.”

“…”

“….Holy shxt. Really? W-What about the rumor of you and Grif making out, drunk, in a closet one time?”

“…”

“WHAT THE FXCK! WHAT ABOUT THE RUMOR THAT LOCUS FXCK YOU????”

“Who. The hxll. Told you that?”, a deep voice could be heard from out of view.

Future Carolina turned to face the direction of the voice.

“Locus! How long were you ease-dropping? Did you really Fxck Simmons? You know he’s Grif’s! What the hxll, man? I thought you were friends?”

“WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT??? We are just friends, Dxmn it!”

“You sleep in the same room!”

“We are roommates!”

“Exactly!”

“The hxll does that mean? Huh!?”

“Whatever. I’m going to go now, Simmons, wait for me. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s exactly what my dad said before he left me on the side of the road until police showed up and took me back to my mom. Couldn’t even bother to kidnap me all the way. What? Am I not good enough to keep? To stay? Fxcking xsshole.”, Simmons muttered a little too loud.

“…”

“…”

“….I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Simmons, when you get back, I’ll have a session with Dr. Grey already scheduled for you.”

“You can’t do that! I’m on red team! Red team doesn’t do feelings! We all repress that shxt! Blue team might talk about it, not red team! I’m on red team and you’re a blue! You can’t make me go!”

“…”

“…..I-I’m not scared o-of you!”

“…”

“ Okay okay! I’ll do it!”

———-

Okay so I also want to add donut saying “You know how it is when you make a deal with malevolent false gods that want to destroy the universe and reconstruct it in their own image!”

Note:

They are all wearing their armor underneath their clothes. It was a wedding rehearsal so they got dressed up.

Caboose is the flower man. On Carolina’s side.

Wash is the best man. On Carolina’s side.

Simmons is still the ring bearer.

Donut will be pummeled later.

Tucker will be a brides man. On Carolina’s side.

Kai will be a brides maid. On Carolina’s side.

I don’t know who Carolina is marrying, it could be Kimball, but maybe she officiates the wedding or whatever instead. Definitely a girl though.

A lot of character are bi or pan and stuff.

Like Church was confirmed Bi. He was totally okay with Male Tex.

Anyways. I don’t know if Carolina wants a Jewish wedding or something else. Church was Jewish and maybe she is too?

This is a rough outline ish idea.

I say ish a lot.

That’s how rough it is.

That’s what she said bow chica bow wow!

Somebody shoot Tucker, please.

Okay!

Caboose no!

There are not a lot of colors :(

[cinaed]

Red vs Blue Season 2 Rewatch

Well I'd meant to do my season two rewatch Saturday but was sick most of the weekend. But now I'm feeling well enough to watch and enjoy! 

Aw, I forgot that the first scene of the season is Doc's introduction. 

Church being so done with Caboose and Tucker, and the combination of O'Malley and Caboose means that his threats involve giving Church a birthday present (sure it's Tucker's head, but you know). 

Just imagining Doc's expression as the Blues explain that Church is a ghost and now a ghost in a robot makes me laugh. Also another thing is that the Blues apparently have a Spanish-English dictionary, which somehow the Reds never bothered to get for years. Sorry, Lopez! 

I love that Church actually knows military lingo and it's Tucker and Caboose who are like "???" whenever he tries to be smart in earlier seasons. Also Tucker just being like "Nope, I like my blood on the inside."

God, I forgot that Church went "I can't pronounce Frank, we're calling you Doc." Like..Frank? At least protesting over DuFresne makes a little more sense! Church really does love to mess with people. Also Doc's speech about the differences between being a medic and a doctor remains iconic. "Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die."

I also forgot that Church just straight shoots Caboose (and actually hit him!) so Doc will go over and help him. Stone cold. "I can't believe he shot me!" "Oh, don't even START Caboose!"

Also love that the Reds have staff meetings, which Grif presumably sleeps through. Though why they all even trusted Grif to carry ammo around, I just don't know. 

And the beginning of the iconic surrender exchanges. Cake, flags (wait no flags), Lopez. Doc turning into a fake hostage. "You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!" "We've already got that! What else do you have?"

I forgot that Doc immediately assesses the Red Team, realizes Grif is the least popular of the group, and immediately starts insulting him to curry favor. Speaking of stone cold, like dang, Doc. 

Another iconic scene is Church ragging on Tucker as he wiggles his switch. :D And of course Sarge's amazing code is "drive." He's definitely that guy whose password is Password1235. 

Fun parallels with Donut's "I'm so freaking lost" and Doc's "Help, this Jeep is kidnapping me!" 

Lopez is like a son to Sarge! Sarge loves him so much that he forgives him for turning against him and murdering him. Also Sarge thinking he can fight a machine gun. 

Tucker: "You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides." Church: "Hey, I already told you: that was for science." And thus canonical piggyback rides were established. 

Bold of Simmons to call someone else Poindexter. 

Everyone thinking Church is shy because he can't turn around. 

Grif using Doc's words against him, and thus a low-key dislike of each other was born. 

Poor Doc. Stuck wandering the wilderness aka the 60 feet or however much space there is between the bases. 

Simmons and Grif squabbling like an old married couple trying to tell the story about the Blues and Doc.

I am usually against love triangles, but the Lopez/Sheila and Sheila/Caboose is so good. 

Caboose having a good idea, except they didn't consider that Lopez would immediately escape.

Ah, the old days when Lopez actually believed in the Red Team. Also will always love "Primary objectives: 1. Fix everything. 2. Hate the orange one. 3. Call mom more often." Lopez calling Sarge father! And then his brutal disillusionment as the Reds almost kill him. 

Simmons loves that machine gun. 

Lopez/Sheila is such a good ship. Love their meet-cute. Of course then Tex steals his body. Also Sheila being into Lopez AND Tex. I'd forgotten about that. 

"Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life." 

Love Tex just rolling with "Sure, I'm a ghost." And now we're finally into the O'Malley plot which is so much fun. 

Sarge's been wanting to get a cyborg on his team for this whole dang war. He's so happy when Simmons becomes a cyborg. Meanwhile Grif and Simmons are united in hating the idea. 

Tex telling embarrassing stories about Leonard's high school years. :D And the beginning of this very weird plan to rescue Caboose from O'Malley. And seeing the inside of people's heads. Or at least Caboose's head, which means a stupid Tucker and a Church who is even more foul-mouthed than Church himself plus he's Caboose's very best friend. Sarge the southern pirate. Donut the girl. Grif's yellow armor. 

Grif sounds almost impressed when he does the 1-2-3 count that he pulled on Simmons and realizes that Donut beat him at his own game. Unfortunately then he promptly gets run over by Sheila.

"Suck it, Blue!" 

I honestly love Lopez's love song to Sheila. He's such a romantic. 

Church is such a nerd. His insults are so bad. 

And the beginning of Doc and O'Malley's saga begins. Their juxtaposition is amazing. 

And the beginning of cyborg Simmons! I still love that even if Simmons instantly insults Grif, the fact remains that he went through surgery to save Grif's life. And he sounds genuinely worried when Grif starts coughing, right up until the point he figures out Grif is using his brand new replacement lungs to smoke. And Simmons trying to get Grif to eat healthy and stop smoking. Good luck with that, Simmons...

Simmons apparently likes to dance, if his fury over the assumed cancelled holiday party is any indication. That's a prompt for someone! 

Donut and Tucker are both the romantics of their team because Tucker thinks Sheila/Lopez is sweet, he just doesn't want to deal with love triangle bullshit.

Meanwhile Lopez and Sheila go on strike for machine rights and I for one support them wholeheartedly. 

Double O Donut! I love Donut and Grif's misadventures together. 

Tucker: "Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them." Church: "What?! Did you try to talk them out of it?" Tucker: "No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!"

Poor Donut. He has no sense of direction. And poor Doc, stuck with O'Malley for company. 

Sarge talking about the entertainment value of being tortured. Sarge...what.... I'm not gonna kinkshame, but I'm definitely gonna think about kinkshaming Sarge. 

Donut and Caboose's truth or dare scene is so cute. They're such a fun dynamic. And I really wonder what Donut was gonna say about the Red Team plans until Church possesses him. And Church is immediately super chill in Donut's head, and wants to just relax and do some arts and crafts. And Donut considers Caboose his friend! And Caboose really likes Private Biscuit.

Church trying to bargain for two robots so he can have Tex back is sweet right in the middle of a ridiculous scene. And Donut being so excited for a sleepover with the Blues. 

I'm just saying, Sarge would make an excellent car salesman the way he's messing with the Blues over these robots. And Donut must be rubbing off on him, heh, because "I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!" is definitely a Donut line.

Church using military lingo in one episode and then a handful later not understanding military time is such a Church thing.

Finally to the iconic Tucker line of Grif and Simmons. "It's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?" And Church doesn't even bother to argue.

Tucker discovering Red vs Blue is a lie is still amazing. As in the ironic discussion, which I will always love. 

Donut's sarcasm when he realizes they're leaving him and Sheila behind to guard each base. Man versus tank. Should go well for him.

And set up for season three, which has some of my favorite team ups-- Sarge and Caboose, Grif and Church. That'll also be a fun rewatch. 

Time for the bonus features aka Outtakes, PSAs, and deleted scenes!

Honestly most of the PSAs this season weren't great, but the Fourth of July fireworks safety one did make me laugh. And it does have Donut with his Kiss the Cook apron!

Outtakes were okay, with the running theme of Burnie trying to explain adlibbing to everyone else, haha. Also "Great Caesar's Dressing!" is as catchy as "Great Caesar's Ghost!" And the outtake of Sarge being Hamlet. And Tarzan. And the Grif and Simmons audition tape was fun. 

Deleted scenes! Doc and Vic having some weird chemistry. Calling Doc hot and saying he missed him. And Doc complaining that no one likes him and that someone stole his wallet. Of course then Vic immediately gets mean. The others include Sarge and Grif prepping Simmons for cyborg surgery before Grif gets hurt and they actually go through with it, which mostly includes getting Simmons super drunk.  Sounds about right for Blood Gulch!